Only a very few know what I've been planning.

A few of my friends have suspected something was up my sleeve.

But here is my former "Secret Project!"

Please wish me luck!

Had another Christmas Party for family that still wanted more.

It was really great and I needed it!

My heart was very heavy after seeing my dad earlier. He was very upset and mean. He was blaming my deceased mother, my brothers and me for holding him back in life. He blamed the Government. Everyone did him wrong and wasn't good enough for him.

I fear seeing Daniel Day Lewis in "There Will Be Blood" because in the trailer he sounds just like my dad.

Been craving Spaghetti for the longest time and last night Wanda (my sis-in-law) made some and it was AWESOME!

Then all my three nieces were together for the party and the house was warming up with babies and body heat. They are all so beautiful, I can't believe we share DNA... Why am I so fucked up? Why can't I be pretty, too?

There was so much food! All of it great!

As everyone dwindled away to their homes, I pulled out the Karaoke Machine and Yvette, my nephew's wife and I sang songs. She sang better than I did. Yvette sang Jet's "Look What You've Done," I did Cream's "Tales Of Brave Ulysses," (I did it just like this) and four year old Kendall, unable to read the lyrics transposed the only song she knows, Kelly Clarkson's "Never Again" over any and every tune that played. She can really belt out those decibels. I still have tinnitus.

It was really a great day!

Man, I needed it.

This morning it was 20 Degrees in the cemetery!

Been visiting with my father in the center for people with Alzheimer's, where he must stay. He doesn't always know me, but he's nicer than he's ever been to me now.

I can tell he's scared. It's noisy there all day and into the night. Doors always open, lights always on. How can you rest?

He can barely walk. He's so old looking. Frail. Teeth missing. Blotches and loose skin. Slobbering. Drooling.

They get them up very early for breakfast, it's about 5AM and there doesn't seem to be any set visiting hours, so I sit in his dim lit room and watch him sleep. He looks like Nosferatu, or the old grandfather in "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre" he looks scary, but I know the scary part is, that we all are aging and must die... That I am.

It's depressing there.

It smells of old sick death.

As I drive away, it begins to snow. On the dark farm road leaving the Home, I can smell that death on me.

No doubt about it, the Best DVD I saw this year is...

"Blade Runner: The Final Cut"

Damn, they did a great job on this!

The documentary they have on there is well worth it!

So many memories were brought back. I first saw it at a very small theatre in Abbeville, Alabama where most of the people hated it in the worst way, but I was blown away.

Like Guillermo del Toro says on the doc, "This movie changed me as a person. When I walked out after the movie I was different person."

After seeing this New DVD, I learned many things, but I guess what I was surprised about the most is, how Ridley Scott's kids are all so good looking.

You know me, I don't like to be gross, but...

I was reading, "The Making of Star Wars: The Definitive Story Behind the Original Film" by J.W. Rinzler at my favorite IHOP on Kansas Expressway where Jessica the waitress all the freaks, truckers and cowboys love, works.

Great book so far!

Big, too big almost while trying to eat the Five Star Breakfast around it. Just great great stuff in there.

So I'm driving away and I start getting that rumble in the Bronx in my gut. I have to go to the bathroom in the biggest way. Serious pain!

A lil' about me: I can't stand using the Public Anything, let alone a toilet.

This is an emergency!

I pull over to a Quick-Stop and find the can. I go in and it's like you might imagine; Filthy!

In the corner the cleaning crew have left some off brand can of Lysol, so I grab it and spray down the toilet seat and reach for a paper towel. NO TOWELS! Good to know. I begin pulling toilet paper off the roll like I'm trying to start a chainsaw and wad it up to wipe off the seat.

Even though it's about 22 Degrees outside, sweat is dripping off my face.

I feel the seat is as close to sanitized as it will ever be and quickly sit and unload. I mean an explosive bomb is dropped. Not messy. Solid. Slightly painful because of it's brick-like shape. Corners. I feel it as it shoots out like a bar of soap. Porcelain cracking force.

Instantly I feel so good!

There is a knocking at the door. Some dude needs in in a bad way, I guess. I reach to wipe and find only about three sheets of paper left after using so much before. Oh My GAWD!!!

I am in a panic and the guy outside keeps jiggling the knob. I fear he's going to get the store manager who'll key his way in on me.

Just then I remember in my pocket is a moistened wipe from a BBQ place I ate at the night before. I'll use it!

I do.

There must be alcohol in the wipe cause my ass lips begin to burn and shrivel up.

I'm up, pants up and ready when I notice it's one of those toilets that use a motion detector to flush. It should flush by now.

Guy at door now pounding!

I'm waving my hand furiously over the motion sensor! Holy Shit, It's not working and there's no handle to push. Dude's gonna walk in and see this mess I've left.

I decide to wash my hands. Maybe it's on some sort of delay. I'm watching and watching. Waiting.

Damn, NO TOWELS!!!

Oh who cares at this point? Let them see this mess I've made. I'm a MAN. That's right, I did that! Everybody POOPS!

Suddenly it flushes!

Yay!!!

Then ever so slowly as I'm unlocking the door with wet hands, I see the water spilling over the side as it overflows.

The guy, "'Bout time, thought you'd died in there... yuk, yuk..."

I casually walk through the store, open the door and run to my car!

Jesus Christ! It's Christmas!!!

Get your ass out of bed and see what Santa got you!

I hope you have a great day and thank each and every one of you that have written, sent gifts and called.

If there is a regiftable item you got and are thinking of taking back, why not do something cool instead and put it in your car and while driving around, if you see some stranger that might enjoy it better...

Give it to someone that will appreciate it more and freak them out with your kindness!

Be Good!

Watched, "Panic in the Streets" directed by Elia Kazan. The film is about an officer from the U.S. Public Health Service played by Richard Widmark who has to prevent an epidemic of the plague in New Orleans. Barbara Bel Geddes, Jack Palance in his film debut and Zero Mostel also star.

I really got into this story! I should have been wrapping presents, but got sucked in by the look and the acting.

Was emailing a friend, asking him if he'd ever seen it and he told me there was a remake in the works. No new stories...

You should check it out.

I'm reading "The Bradbury Chronicles" by Sam Weller and really enjoying it!

I love Ray Bradbury and this book really captures him, I think. I've only met him a few times, but he really comes across in this book.

I pulled out an old "X-Minus One" radio show from 1955 called "Zero Hour" based on a truly scary Bradbury story about a new game kids start playing in the year 1985, that somehow allows an Alien race to enter our dimension and destroy us. I love it!

Now I'm on a Bradbury groove!

Here is a list of my favorite Christmas Movies of All Time, I think...

Watched "The Devil and Daniel Johnston" again today and I kept hoping that things would change for him in the end, like I was watching an alternate version of "Blade Runner" or "Clue" but no such luck for Mister Johnston.

I know people that hate this movie and completely dismiss him, but I in many ways identify with him and his troubles. I can't explain why, but I'm so touched by him in this film.

There is a guy who makes movies like Johnston makes music. Some friends order his films and the guy is amazing. He hand draws artwork on the VHS label and envelope.

Once a friend liked a short Frankenstein movie this guy made in his garage so much, that he ordered another copy for a friend, but instead of a duplicate copy, the guy just reshot the movie! He may not have been able to make copies!

Someone needs to make a movie about him!

Watched some "Astro-Boy" cartoons with my 4 year old friend Kendall with whom I like to view stuff I liked when I was young.

Boy, my favorite shows are soooo dated and slow now.

She was so bored she started asking me about math and spelling.

She's so smart. Well, she's a smart-aleck, anyway!

Not too many folks in my family like watching the films I want to see. No one likes old movies, Black and White movies, Art Films, Films with subtitles, movies where thinking while watching have to take place, movies with Film Grammar, Flashbacks, Dissolves, or Widescreen...

I'm getting use to watching movies all alone.

Was watching Ken Burn's "Empire of the Air: The Men Who Made Radio" with the great voice of Jason Robards and thinking about how Men of Industry stole from men of science and how times have changed, are changing, will change...

But strangely it stays the same.

I was told a sad story about sexual molestation. A relative told me about someone she knew who had been a little girl and another relative repeatedly raped her starting when she was about 10 years old. She knows both people very well. Knows other people that know. Knows others that have been molested. The Mother knows and does nothing.

Then a friend I've only met once, but sends me great letters and reads this page and watches and gives me great comments on my work, sent me an email about how her father raped her and her mother did nothing about it.

Both of these stories in the same day.

People love opening up to me. I think people feel safe around me. I think animals also love me. Babies, too. I just bring down the wall in some people, I guess. So they tell me their stories.

I've known lots of women, now that I put my mind to it, that have shared with me their sad stories. Only a few men have shared with me their stories of being raped by their Priest, their Minister, Shop Teacher, Coach, Mother, Sister... I can only think of Six guys that have told me about this kinda stuff.

(I'm going to edit this post because some dangerous people may be offended. I will leave blanks and you can try and guess.)

I get very sad thinking about this stuff, I know I shouldn't dwell on it, It's not like it's ever happened to me... Or has it?

I think back. Have I blocked something? Have I buried it so deep I can't remember? Do I have any suppressed memories?

You can bet, I would tell you if and when I remember.

Watching the News here in the Ozarks is painful! There is horrible stories like this, like you wouldn't believe! EVERYDAY!

A friend found some website that shows a map and you can search sexual offenders by zip-code and it will show you little flags and it gets broken down by categories of their type of sex-crime and I'm not kidding, The map is covered! Wall to wall rape!

There are so many people that hurt their children here, They go to ______ on ______ ask for _________, then go home drink their Mountain Dew and start a whole new week of raping and beating. Then they pause on ________ for ______ Meeting, learn how to boycott "The Golden Compass" and rape their kids some more, then by Friday, the children have their school friends sleep over and then they get raped. The school friends spending the night were so happy their own daddies weren't around to rape them, but then surprise!

Sure it happens everywhere, (Though, I'd need to see some statistics) but it's the "Bible Belt" and what happens to belts? They get unbuckled, the pants come down and the raping begins! And sometimes, the belt is just used to beat the children.

The funny thing is; People will get mad at me and say horrible things to me for writing this, but they won't say anything to the Rapists they know, or are related to, married to, or were raped by.

See Deuteronomy 22:24

________s are so funny!

Shut up and read this!

They hate abortionists for killing "babies," but applaud killing the Doctors and love giving the Death Sentence.

Did you know there is a shortage of U.S. Doctors in Iraq, because if they support a Woman's Right to Abortion, they are disqualified to go help save soldiers lives?

________ believe in Angels with wings and Noah's Ark, but they think aliens, UFOs and ghosts are ridiculous.

They'll read and reread those ______ fairy tales, but get mad when you try to change the subject by quoting, the just as believable "Star Trek" or "Lord of the Rings."

If I've offended you, be a good ________ and Forgive me!

Been reading Bruce Dern's book, "Things I said, but Probably Shouldn't Have" and I really dug it.

He's always been one of my favorite actors, "Silent Running" "The King of Marvin Gardens" "They Shoot Horses, Don't They?" "Coming Home" "Black Sunday" the dude just Rocks.

He seems like he'd be a great guy to hang out with. Funny, too.

I was hoping there'd be more on Roger Corman, but it really felt like I was hearing him talk about stuff he'd gone through, over a couple of iced teas and a basket of chips.

As I finished it, I hit play on a DVD called, "New York in the Fifties" and it made me want to go back to NY. I know it's not the same, but still you can't beat that city for excitement.

It would be great to find that click, that wave, that hotbed of artistic expression now; Our Beat Generation, our punk, our Factory...

I was thinking of Christmas Songs and I thought I'd post some of my favorites. They may not be ones anyone else thinks about....

For some reason I think of these songs because, I either first heard them on Christmas, got them as gifts, went to a concert near this time of year, or made out to a song on Christmas Night.

What's also weird is that there's one Christmas song I associate with summer because it was in a movie that was a summer blockbuster. I can't remember either the film or the song at this moment though.

I hope you enjoy, and send me you favorite Christmas song list!


Jesus Christ! It's The Who!


U2 - The Unforgettable Fire may not really be a Christmas song, but it is for me, because... Just because! Okay, email me and I might spill the beans!



Fairytale of New York - The Pogues and Kirsty MacColl


The Ramones - Merry Christmas(I Don't Want To Fight Tonight)


My Morning Jacket - One Big Holiday on Conan



Have a very Merry Christmas from The White Stripes!


The Pretenders - 2000 Miles


Madonna - Holiday Live AID well, Christmas is a Holiday, right? I watched this thing straight through on MTV with my best friends. Sent in money and ended Hunger, or AIDS, whatever it was for. No sleep. Had a blast! The World is better for it!


Relient K - I Hate Christmas Parties, I love this song, but it's a fan video... Might be best just to listen to it.


Little Drummer Boy - David Bowie and Bing Crosby, still chilling after all these years.


While My Guitar Gently Weeps - George Harrison The Concert for Bangladesh, I know it's not about Christmas, but it was on what I thought was about Christmas, "The White Album" and this concert was about giving, so give me a break!


What would this season be without The Smashing Pumpkins?


Aimee Mann - I Was Thinking I Could Clean Up For Christmas, I love her!


I'm leaving you with the BEST! The Waitresses - Christmas Wrapping

Don't forget, If you need my Mailing Address to mail me the great gifts you bought, just email me and I'll shoot it out to you! Time is ticking! And if you haven't gotten me anything yet, don't worry, I'm cool with cash!

We got SNOW!!!

I love it!

Maybe I can make a snowman, or have a snowball fight, or at least write my name in the snow?

This is what it's like here. Cold. Wet. Frozen. Bunnies and squirrels and deer everywhere!

I'm happier than I've been in weeks!

One of the things I get much enjoyment from is heavenly bodies traveling from unknown parts across oceans of time and through dark mattered corridors of space to burn up in the friction of our coarse atmosphere.

Early this morning the annual Geminid meteor shower peaked, but my quadrant of the Universe was shrouded in thick fog.

Getting out in it was still important to me. The visiblity was something like 5 feet, so I just had to drive in it. Strong bright lights were muffled and haloed. Distances were unmeasurable. Familiarity was lost.

There were moments on the drive where it looked and felt as if my car were sitting on the bottom of sea. Murky soot from the sandy floor kicked up by giant squid held the promise of some deadly Nautilus piercing the cloud and slicing my Honda in half.

The fog seems so comfortable, so familiar. I could sleep in it. It's 27 Degrees and I could simply close my eyes and drift off the road.

Is this what it looks like in that space between thought? That ledge we must step off of to dream. Heaven. The land we roam as ghosts searching for answers to the unanswerable.

Sometimes life is just too complex, like we are truly living in the Matrix. All data and feedback. All fractals and compression. All code, no flesh.

All this industrial machinery to bring us bubbles!

A young local couple who found me on myspace wrote to me because they seemed to conclude I enjoy the subject of UFOs.

They live in Springfield and said they know an area close to Arkansas they go to and watch flying saucers and triangular vehicles. They said they could take me there to see them!

They wrote:

"There is also a globe I would guess is 30 feet across and glows gold and amber and has fire flickering around it. I don't know what that is, but it looks real pretty."

They also say:

"My church's music director took me to this one spot in (the valley) you could look up the side of the hill and see treetops being bend over and rubbing up against the bottoms of the UFOs. A branch of a walnut tree fell near me and I started over to get it, but he wouldn't let me. He was afraid it might be radioactive or something."

I just know, they'd take me down there and with my luck all UFO activity would end, or they would kill me and leave me in the woods.

Still, I need to get out and meet new people...

Sometimes I just have to get up early and drive around no matter if it's foggy or raining. It clears my head.

You never know what you might meet on the road.

My dad was found laying on the floor where he had fallen covered in blood and feces not knowing who he was or where he was...

He was taken to the hospital and put in Isolation.

We went by to see him. It was awful. Skin pale and blotchy with cuts to his swollen face. Teeth missing.

My brother and his wife suited up with gloves and masks on and entered the glass enclosed room. I watched from outside.

I was the only one in my family that didn't go up to my mother's coffin to view her. I couldn't.

It wasn't her.

This wasn't him.

This is him devoid of his personality. I think this absence is a better version of him. Kinder. Frail. Humble. No personality, clear as glass.

He's scared I'm sure. Nicer, though.

In the room I could see their mouths move as they spoke to him. I could see he was completely lost. He looked like an alien.

I began thinking of something I read in Whitley Strieber's Unknown Country:

"I think we are, each of us, more a wave front moving across time than a single individual. Each 'person' that we are exists in a single bubble in the foam of this wave, a bubble which reflects only its own reality.

However this extraordinary experience is described very well by Meister Eckhart, when he admonishes us to "become as a clear glass through which God can shine."

When you do this, you cease to belong to the illusion of a single world, and become one with many."

There's a nice scene in Woody Allen's "Hannah and Her Sisters" where Mickey thinking of his mortality, walks in a movie theatre to watch the Marx Bros:

MICKEY (V.O.)
My head was, was pounding, and,
and I had to sit down.
I went into a movie house.
I-I didn't know what was playing or
anything.

Mickey walks into the movie house. He is seen through the
glass doors, which still reflect the street and traffic
outside. He makes his way through the lobby into the actual
theater.

MICKEY (V.O.)
I just, I just needed a moment to
gather my thoughts and, and be
logical, and, and put the world
back into rational perspective.

The film abruptly cuts to the theater's black-and-white
screen, where the Marx Brothers, in Duck Soup, play the
helmets of several soldiers standing in a line like a live
xylophone. The sounds of the "xylophone" are heard as the
movie cuts to the darkened theater, where Mickey slowly sits
down in a balcony seat. The "xylophone" music stops and
changes to "Hidee-hidee-hidee-hidee-hidee-hidee-ho" as sung
by the Marx Brothers and ensemble in the movie. The singing
continues faintly in the background as Mickey continues his
tale:

MICKEY (V.O.)
And I went upstairs to the balcony,
and I sat down
(sighing)
and, you know, the movie was a-a-a
film that I'd seen many times in my
life since I was a kid, an-and I
always u-uh, loved it. And, you
know, I'm, I'm watching these
people up on the screen, and I
started getting hooked o-on the
film, you know?

The film cuts back to the black-and-white movie screen as
Mickey continues to talk. The Marx Brothers, as well as the
hundred-odd other cast members in Duck Soup, are kneeling
and bowing as they sing "Hidee-hidee-ho." They kick their
heels up in the air. They sway back and forth, hands
clasped, singing "Oh-h-h-h-h-h..."

MICKEY (V.O.)
...And I started to feel how can
you even think of killing yourself?
I mean, isn't it so stupid? I
mean, l-look at all the people up
there on the screen. You know,
they're real funny, and, and what
if the worst is true?

The movie cuts back to Mickey, sitting almost obscured in
the dark theater. The Oh-h-h-h-h-h's coming from the
offscreen movie are heard as he continues to speak.

MICKEY (V.O.)
What if there's no God, and you
only go around once and that's it?
Well, you know, don't you want to
be part of the experience? You
know, what the hell, it-i-it's not
all a drag. And I'm thinking to
myself, geez, I should stop ruining
my life...

As Mickey talks, the film cuts back to the antics of the
Marx Brothers on the black-and-white theater screen. The
four brothers are now swaying and singing and strutting,
their voices indistinct over Mickey's narration.

MICKEY (V.O.)
...searching for answers I'm never
gonna get, and just enjoy it while
it lasts. And...you know...

The film is back on Mickey's dark form in the audience.

MICKEY (V.O.)
...after, who knows? I mean, you
know, maybe there is something.
Nobody really knows. I know, I
know "maybe" is a very slim reed to
hang your whole life on, but that's
the best we have. And...then, I
started to sit back, and I actually
began to enjoy myself.


I really love that scene!

For me recently, this life saving "Worth Staying" moment is realizing why I love Sofia Coppola and The White Stripes:

This might make life worth Living!

Watched, "The Curse of Frankenstein" the Hammer Film by Terence Fisher and starring Peter Cushing and Christopher Lee. I love that movie!

I was in a weird mood watching it and kept seeing parallels in the story with The Bush Administration.

That just goes to show you what a great story "Frankenstein" is.

When Cushing kills that smart old Doctor to get his mitts on his brain and puts it in that glass jar only to have it smashed, we see him later with tweezers slowly and carefully picking slivers of broken glass out of the soft wet brain.

Sometimes that's how it feels when my head is throbbing. Brain full of glass shrapnel painful thoughts.

It's also hard not to compare the story to what's going on with my dad. I'm a scarred monster made by my Mad Father wanting him dead for making me.

His neglect early on forced me to attempt parenting myself, therefor I am my own maker; Flawed. I must destroy myself. I burn one of the few images of me from childhood.

I must recreate myself anew!

"Evil thenceforth became my good. Urged thus far, I had no choice but to adapt my nature to an element which I had willingly chosen. This completion of my demoniacal design became an insatiable passion. And now it is ended; there is my last victim!"

An online intervention of sorts took place by some friends that were worried about me and concerned about my state of being near these coming holidays.

It was very nice and sweet!

There is a lot going on in my world, I know I'm sad for most of it, however I think I'm happier now than I've been in quite a while.

Certainly these last 10 years for me have been HORRIBLE, yet I'm hopeful for the future. I believe my future is about to get a whole lot better.

And remember, my friend, future events such as these will affect you... in the future.

Watched "The Devil's Backbone" today!

I fondly remembered director Guillermo del Toro being sweet to me on my last show on The Edge in Dallas. He stopped in to celebrate and commiserate and brought a bottle of Pink alcohol that had me completely drunk.

I always tried to find another bottle, but feel it was some illegal liquor. Watching the film, there is a shiver inducing moment when a man dips into a bottle containing a deformed infant and drinks the pinkish fluid.

It can't be the same...

...Right?

No way...

I feel so odd today.

Recently, I was talking about how to take yourself out of the game of life with some dignity. How to know when to do it. How to do it. That sad stuff.

Found out my pop had just tried it.

It's weird talking about it. Writing about it. Thinking about it. Easier to do in that; It's someone else, maybe someday, I see it in movies-kinda way...

My dad had been doing just what I thought I'd do if I had to; Save up sleeping pills for that rainy day.

He swallowed them. Then he threw up.

Still...

It's like my dad has crossed a line or stepped through some door, It's all different now, in my head. How am I suppose to feel? I always felt for those who did themselves in, never judged, because we don't know what they are truly going through.

I hate the ones that have to leverage the leap. The ones that have to take others out before they can themselves.

I know I don't want to ever leave a mess for others.

Don't have to tell you things are bad here...

They are, though.

Seems watching DVDs and reading as always helps me get through bad times.

Been reading:

Stanislavski's An Actors Handbook again, but today I was using it as sorta an I-Ching kinda thing where I ask a question and randomly flip through it and stop and read the first line I see as if that were an Answer from The Universe. Today the answer was, "Abandon yourself to your feelings."

Been rereading choice bits, medicinal really, from my friend Beverly Gray's Roger Corman book.

Read Donald Spoto's "Rebel: The Life and Times of James Dean."

Read Terry Gross' "All I did Was Ask" but only the Johnny Cash interview, so far.

Watched:

Peter Bogdanovich's "What's Up, Doc?" again for the first time since seeing it in the theatre when I was a kid. Boy, Barbra Streisand is smoking hot in that attainable hot chick way with a Sarah Michelle Gellar/Jennifer Aniston vibe. I remember laughing so hard as a kid. Still funny. Must be because my Niece's 3 year old watched it with me and she wasn't bored.

Saw Kino's "The European Pioneers (The Movies Begin Volume 2)" and my favorite short was Robert W. Paul's experiment with stop-motion using live actors in "Extraordinary Cab Accident," from 1903. Possibly the first punk'd/Jackass kinda prank put on film.

Watched Ken Russell's "Mahler." There's some awesome stuff in it and in Russell's work, like a nude chick peeling off her cocoon and the ever present sexy Nazi imagery.

I almost forgot my troubles.

It's no secret to you, if you're a regular reader here, that my pop has Alzheimer's bigtime.

It's why I moved here. Cause who wouldn't want to miss out on that horror show?

A few days ago, I stopped by the place he's staying to pick up a rifle he had that my brothers had no idea where or how he got. It's best not to let a person in his condition have guns, or knives, or cars, or oxygen...

We talked for a while. I made sure his TV worked. We talked about watching some John Wayne movies together and he seemed pretty happy. I took the rifle and walked to my car. This is a part of the world where I can walk with a rifle in a public place and no one even notices.

This morning I was having the weirdest dream. I was at a museum and there was a framed photobooth strip of 4 b/w images hanging just inches from the floor. I bent down to get a closer look being the Art Lover that I am.

I noticed one picture in the four panels was loose. I pushed on it and it was like that swinging metal door on the change pocket of a vending machine. There were quarters ready to fall out.

I must have hit the button on what the creator of this work wanted because the entire wall of the museum lifted up and revealed a huge warehouse of stacked coins. Millions of dollars in coins everywhere for me. I won big!

I walked around this space and was so happy. All my dreams would now come true! Then I found a door to another room.

I opened this door and found my father all frail and in a hospital bed with tubes coming out of him. I was shocked. This is not a happy dream. The rug was pulled out from under me!

What's all this money worth when I'll end up like him?

My heart was pounding so loud it woke me up.

There was a pounding at the door. Was this real?

I looked at the clock 4am or something...

I grabbed my clothes and found my brother and sister-in-law in the living room walking my dad over to the wood burning stove to warm up. He was shaking and wearing just his pajamas and a coat.

He was talking about how he had been driving down to Arkansas with me and my oldest brother Donny and how for some reason had to leave Donny stranded at a motel.

None of this happened, but we had to go get Donny, he thought. Donny might be in danger.

He went on and on about not knowing what was real. He was shaking. He was scared. I was scared.

How did he drive over here? How did he find his way?

Stanley and I put dad in the big boat of a car old people seem to drive and I drove him back to where he's staying. Dad had lost the keys to his room so he left the door open. It was below freezing so if dad had gone off the road, or couldn't get back in, he would have died.

I wondered if that's what he might have wanted. Maybe that's why he had that rifle. I know if I was losing my mind and losing control, I'd want some exit.

That edge is such a slippery slope isn't it?

How do you know when you're too far gone?

You have that gun saved just for that special purpose, you have those pills collected and stashed away for that day, but you forget where they are, you forget what they are...

The gun you saved for yourself becomes the gun you use on that relative you've forgotten but believe is trying to harm you.

Not fun.

Watched "Bad Day at Black Rock" today and really enjoyed it.

Spencer Tracy plays a one armed stranger who comes to a small town where the Southern Pacific never stops.

He's looking for his old friend, who saved his life in Italy, named Komoko who supposedly no longer lives in Black Rock, but was sent off to a Japanese internment camp four years ago.

There are some awesome performances; Robert Ryan, Anne Francis, Dean Jagger, Walter Brennan, Ernest Borgnine and Lee Marvin.

Lee Marvin makes tucking in his shirt look so threatening.

Made me think of "Billy Jack" "Walking Tall" "Twin Peaks" and oddly "2001" and I believe I know why...

See, this town is dead. The people are frightened and depressed by a crime they committed in the past and they are stuck in a weird limbo. Like the bad programming HAL received in "2001" that made him paranoid, so too are the town folk, turning them into brutal killers protecting their secret.

There are some great shots in this film. Awesome compositions and framing. And it's in CINEMASCOPE and MGM Color

Well, as the New Year approaches rapidly, my thoughts are on the daily feature film making Art Project I've set for myself this next 12 months...

But I also think about "The Best Films I saw in 2007!"

They are in no meaningful order:

Inland Empire

American Gangster

The Bourne Ultimatum

Zodiac

Seraphim Falls

3:10 to Yuma

300

Sicko

The Host

Hot Fuzz

Knocked Up

Grindhouse

The Hoax

Sunshine

The Fountain

Hannah Takes the Stairs

Crazy Love

Paris, Je T’aime

28 Weeks Later