This lil' video is me eating with some very cute and funny girls and getting drunk and getting food via electric train and watching one person drink a vanilla shake and a chocolate shake at the same time in a race to see which shake would win.

Hope you enjoy!

I've eaten so much that when I brush my teeth, I feel my boobies jiggle. I'm disgusted with myself! A man's boobies shouldn't jiggle. A man shouldn't have boobies.

But the food on the road has been fantastic!

My sister-in-law is a really great cook! Home cooking is wonderful when someone else is doing it for me. I'd like to do a Food Network Show where I just travel to people's home and have them cook for me. People who are Hot looking! Maybe just really hot and sexy single models cooking for me.

I would do it for you, the viewer.

Back to Cali!

I'm going back to Cali, Cali, Cali
I'm going back to Cali.. hmm, I don't think so
I'm going back to Cali, Cali, Cali
I'm going back to Cali.. I don't think so

Going back to Cali, stylin, profilin
Growlin, and smilin, while in the sun
The top is down, on the black Corvette
And it's fly, cause it's sittin on Dayton's
Laurents steering wheel, plushed out, gold-leaf phantom top
and three girls waiting
VRRRROOM engine's blowin, the chrome, is shining
Passing all the cars on the way
Movement of the wind, back wheels spin
Pop in a cassette and push play

I'm going back to Cali, Cali, Cali
I'm going back to Cali - yea y'all, I don't think so
I'm going back to Cali, Cali, Cali
I'm going back to Cali..

I'm going back to Cali, shakin 'em, bakin 'em
Takin 'em to spots they never before hung
?? the place, on Sunset it's a trip
Where the A.C.'s cold, and the girls still strip
The record skip, but this girl kept dancin
Prancin, grindin, grinnin, romancin
I asked her to the barn, so we could hit the hay
I wanna do this, Brutus, but I don't wanna pay

I'm going back to Cali, Cali, Cali
I'm going back to Cali - no man I don't think so
I'm going back to Cali, Cali, Cali
I'm going back to Cali..

I'm going back to Cali, rising, surprising
Advising realizing, she's sizing me up
Her bikini - small; heels - tall
She said, she liked, the ocean
She showed me a beach, gave me a peach
and pulled out the suntan lotion
Now I thought that was fast, but this girl was faster
She's lookin for a real good time
I said, "Close your eyes, I got a surprise,"
and I ran away with the bottle of wine

I'm going back to Cali, Cali, Cali
I'm going back to Cali.. I don't think so
I'm going back to Cali, Cali, Cali
I'm going back to Cali.. I don't think so

Okay, California, Missouri!

I was just there, yay!

I'll give you a spanking if you can guess where I am right now!

Really enjoying the driving now for some reason. I wish I could just drive and drive and peel all the hurt away. Just keep driving so fast and far that the sadness and troubles can't catch up.

Maybe my depression is like some kind of ghost that stalks me, hovers over me, follows me like a dark cloud, always there, wake up with it staring at me, go to the bathroom with it just outside the door waiting, non stop chatter, critical talk, poking me and prodding me, making me frustrated and angry, hopeless and sad...

...Maybe I can out run it!

Maybe the Arches are not only the gateway to the west, but maybe a stargate or wormhole to a better world.

Nevermind.

It sure is beautiful here!

Rainy, dark, and beautiful.

This nice young girl wanted me to know how much she thinks I need to stay in Springfield!

Leaving Kansas City, KS now and heading to St. Louis with a quick stop over in Jefferson City to see my nieces and continuing my travels around the Midwest.

I'm really enjoying the drive!

Fantasizing that I'm on a book tour, or a promotional tour for my film. Speaking of which, I'm going to Sundance this year and stopping in to see some friends at Slamdance. I hope to shoot some video interviews of filmmakers and actors and who knows maybe GreenCine will post them. Maybe I'll make a documentary about the Festivals.

Been shooting lots of video on this trip and will post them once I can sit and edit. Might be another ghost video coming soon from Jefferson City! I believe girls are into ghost hunting more than guys, because I've been swamped with offers from girls to go out into the darkness with me and speak with the spirits.

I am thinking of a new video series of nothing but hot chicks ghost hunting.

This is me hovering over the city I was born in and now find myself again.

I'm rotating in the Hyatt's Skies Lounge and getting dizzy from that and the Cosmo I'm drinking. I'm so afraid of heights, but with this buzz, I'm in a fearless stupor.

Spike was happy to get this picture I shot while driving through Kansas today! See Bedazzled to see the proof!

I'm so famous again!

Well, I hit the jackpot this Xmas!

Boy, I feel a bit embarrassed to tell you what all I got, so let me just say, I must have been a very very good boy this year! I could give you the rundown, post a list of gifts, but that might be vulgar.

Here's a lil' bit of a highlight:

Shopping at Battlefield Mall, a mall build on top of an actually battlefield and famously known for ghosts appearing before terrified shoppers, I had a blow out on my boots. I made a sudden stop before walking into an elderly shopper and my foot jutted out the side of my right boot. I've had them for about two years so they've had a good life and was time to get new ones. My brother and sister-in-law bought me my favorite brand in the exact size, 13!

A book about the Cary Grant style.

I got a pack of 50 public domain movie classics, many that I've seen and love from my brother Donny.

The DVD game, Scene it!

The 3 disc "King Kong" DVD and it rocks!

I could go on and on, but I hate when people brag. I got some really great stuff, life changing stuff!

Nothing was open and I was hungry and wanted to eat out. I drove and drove.

Finally, Sonic!

One lonely Sonic was open. I got there 10 minutes before they closed. It may have been the best No. 2 SuperSonic Meal with Tots instead of fries and a Sonic Size Ice Tea I've ever had!

Just for fun I had dressed up like a French Guy and ordered my meal from the car in a bad French accent. I even quoted Stéphane Mallarmé in broken French a yet made it relate to the meal.

Sometimes dressing up breaks up depression.

How could I be sad with all my new Xmas loot?

Merry Xmas!!!

I'm having a hard time sleeping before having to get up early and getting on my brother's farm at 7am because I'm thinking about Scarlett playing Pussycat Doll and me stuffing her stocking!

I keep jolting awake every few minutes to check if it's really happening...

I think I got some good gifts, well, got good gifts for everyone else. I'll be sure to see what my family got me from the Dollar General store, or what things they found on the side of the road after some tornado.

Really, I just want you to be happy and know that just because I don't write back to you, or call you back, or kiss you on the lips, or have sex with you, or drink out of your straw, or listen to you when you blather on about shit I don't care about, or help you with things around the house, or repair things that just need to be thrown away, or shower with you, or watch crappy Hollywood movies you like, doesn't mean I don't want to hang out with you and your stupid friends, or kids, or pets, or family.

Oh my goodness!

It's almost time to set cookies out with a glass of milk for Santa! Boy, I hope I get something good this year. I've been a very good person and I just know I deserve something wonderful for all my suffering.

Remember, if you can't figure out what to get me and you can't get around to writing me a nice email, or leave a sweet comment on Myspace, Why don't you just click the Make a Donation button on the left and send me some money.

Money is sometimes best!

I was watching Joel Osteen and his smoking hot wife on Larry King and he pretty much believes God wants us to be rich. I starting thinking about it and I feel maybe God wants me flush, too. I think if God wants me to have it all, why would you want to prevent God from that?

I dreamed God wants you to give to me so I can give 10 Percent to others. I want to help others. I want to set up a nice non-profit to help others less fortunate than me after you give me what God wants you to give me. I'll make sure I get a nice consulting fee from the non-profit that will be tax exempt, of course.

I want to be like Bono.

You know God really digs Bono and Oprah!

Help me be like them!

Here's a Wish List to give you some ideas:

I want a cool tailored suit.

A new car.

A house in the mountains.

Laser Hair Removal.

Some Cosmetic Surgery.

A personal trainer.

A 4 Wheel Drive.

New shoes. (size 13)

Or just send me some cash.

I hope you have a Great Christmas and get cool things and learn a valuable lesson that will change your life and the life of those around you for the better.

I hope you will be better to yourself this year and I hope most of all you will be better to me!

My dad's girlfriend Dorothy passed away.

We don't know what we are going to do about dad. He's very independent. Rough. Mean. But he needs lots of help.

I'm scared.

It's late and the dog is barking. There is something outside in the woods. I go out to see what's going on. I'm like those girls in the old horror movies with the candle out in their virginal white nightgowns seeing where the monsters are hiding.

Something big is in the woods behind the house. I shine my light. I see glowing red eyes. I see glowing orbs. The light flickers as the batteries die. Something charges at me and I snap the flash on my camera hoping to scare what ever it is!

I keep snapping shots!

I run through the trees and the dead leaves and the snapping branches and the claw-like thorns as something evil and unknown is on my heals.

I get back to the house to see my brother on the porch in his pajamas with his flashlight. I'm all scared! I try to discribe the events of terror and he replies, "Well, there are lots of skunks out now."

That was all he had to say. I get back in the house fast.

In my room, I look at the pictures I took and see mist lingering in the trees and glowing orbs and know that the backwoods on my brother's farm is haunted.

This is Cassandra!

She's holding my lil' buddy Coy, who I'm taking with me if I go back to LA.

You might remember Cassie as the girl in the cemetary in my ghost hunt video, if not, watch it!

Cassie is like the Missouri Carmen Elecktra, she's a dancer and stuff and knows a few haunted houses for us to explore!

My family is so talented! So beautiful! Where do we all get it? It's the GENES!

Ladies? If you want smart, cute, and or hot looking kids with mad skills in the Arts, My sperm is here for you!

This is Callie!

You might remember her from ABC's "Lost" or Miss Teen USA or me just talking about her...

She is cracking me up here on her visit, she's being so silly! She makes me laugh.

We seem to have a lot in common. Same interests. Stuff. Music. Movies.

But these kids these days... Trouble, I tell ya!

Years ago she came out to LA to stay with me and one of the first things she said was that I didn't have dirt under my fingernails.

She is so funny!

These are my brother's "Fainting Goats!"

They are very cute and sweet!

I think they have toughened up because they hardly faint any more after years of kids chasing them and shooting off guns in the air just to see them faint.

Still, when I would watch my brother get out the feed, they would stiffen up from the joy of arriving food. Then they could barely walk.

When I was a kid, my mom would give me goat's milk. It was sweet tasting and very good. I wonder if I would still like the taste?

I wonder if drinking Fainting Goat's milk will make me sleepy?

My dad's girlfriend Dorothy is sick and in the hospital.

She has emphysema and has to walk around her house trailing a long green oxygen hose behind her. I would see her sitting in her chair gasping for air and see my dad standing on her air hose talking to someone, not knowing she needed a breath.

I meet my brother Stan at the hospital and go in to see her. It was awful. She was all bruised from the steroids they pumped into her to breathe. She was so out with painkillers she didn't know where she was. She suffered a heart attack. She doesn't look good.

She might die tonight.

My dad is in such bad shape. He is weak and confused. This will be the second love to die on him.

Everything makes me think about my mom dying from cancer.

I see my brother in his car and walking over my stomach growls. I am so hungry. The thought of death might be telling me I need to survive. Survival means eating. I think I'm wasting away, but I've gained so much weight.

My brother and his wife suggest we go to Braum's.

I follow in my car and think about all the places they've taken me to eat. I am learning about all their favorite hangouts.

Braum's is an ice cream joint that makes hamburgers and stuff. I get there and then I'm told they are getting theirs to go because they realized they have to go pick up all the meat from the slaughtered hogs that has been prepared for them by the Amish.

So I order my cheese burger and sit alone and wait. I get it and it's okay, but there is no cheese, or anything on it. I'm mad. I'm mad because I'm alone. I'm mad because I have no one to talk to and distract myself from me.

The clerk, who is about 16 years old and cute walks over to ask if I like it.

"Well, you owe me 30 Cents because there's no cheese and you charged me for it."

She panics!

It really was no big deal. I shouldn't have said anything.

Moments later as I'm on my last bite she walks over holding a sheet of wax paper and a cold slice of cheese for me.

I'm not kidding!

Things have been pretty busy! My head feels like it's about to explode!

I have a friend from Los Angeles that is flying out to see me over the holidays and try to convince me to move back. I'm having such a great time here with my family that it will be sad if I leave.

I have to say, a lot of LA people have written me nice letters telling me how much they miss me and would like me to be back there, but where are they when I need them? I'll go back and I bet I'll hardly see them!

It really has been great to clear my head. Maybe I'll have a renewed look at Hollywood when I get back. Maybe I'll make some good money and buy a place in Missouri to come and crash. Maybe you can come stay and play with me when I get it. Maybe you can decorate it with me.

I've never owned a house before, maybe it's time to get something cool and far away from the maddening crowd!

Ghost Hunting during the Holidays in Missouri is just so wrong!

It's like so wrong!

The local folk are already mad at me for taking the young girls out looking for ghosts, but I don't see anything wrong with it.

Who doesn't like seeing girls all scared in the dark, in the cemetary, easily possessable by demons and crap?

I couldn't sleep after putting this together at 3am, under my blanket editing, in the dark, hearing voices of long dead people speak to us across time...

Life is so magical and weird!

Okay, This is it!

I'm baby-ed out and this cute nude of Coy is the last baby pic I will post for a while!

I wanted to get a print of this for my family, but I'm afraid Wal-Mart will have me arrested if I tried to print this there.

When I was a baby, babies had pics like this taken at 6 months. Everyone I knew had one, but mine was lost in a flood we had in Kansas City when I was about 5 years old. I have no baby pictures of me...

Oh, but I'm sure I looked almost as good as Coy!

Here's the deal...

I don't want to post any more baby pics for a while, so if you don't want to see any either, please send your "Hot" picture in and I'll post it! Please send your best sexy pic! Please be "Hot!"

Please don't be a relative!

This is my brother Stan!

Please don't make any comment about us looking alike! I'm not even sure we're related.

I've always thought Stan was the most handsome in the family and I feel hideous looking, so don't say anything.

Stan was always the cutest when he was little. Even though he's almost 20 years older than me, I remember seeing pictures of him as a baby and he was so cute and happy...

Then, I was born and took all his joy away!

I took this picture for my friends back home to see how much Stan's grandson looks just like him!

They just didn't believe me!

This is Jennifer, my niece!

This is moments before she got her drunk on!

I'm surprised I remember taking this picture, because I already had my drunk on!

Still, the picture is in focus, thank you.

We were celebrating my nephew Jeremy's graduation from college! MSU, Missouri State University was once know as SMU, SMSU, SUM and USM, now those old college t-shirts are worth almost nuthin' on eBay. It's good that Jeremy's Doctor's Degree in Computer Science has MSU stamped on it, because everyone that graduated before with another acronym will find their diplomas worthless.

I would have posted a picture of Jeremy, but all his pics were out of focus and besides, I think Jennifer is kinda hot for a teen mom who has been knocked up twice already.

I know, I know...

It's wrong to say she's "hot" but I'm thinking of you dear reader, you and your needs.

And I was thinking about how many Hits her bikini pics will bring to this sweet sweet website of mine!

This is Princess Kendall!

She was trying to watch some crappy CGI Animated Puppet Show while I was talking to her and even though this pose is good, she did it in a moment of anger because I was ruining her Tee Vee Time.

She is a fussy child! She feels ignored now that her baby brother gets all the attention and is so very much more enjoyable to be around than her.

She acts like she loves him, but I see her planning and scheming ways to destroy him.

I believe she will rebel as a teen, become very goth and possibly commit horrible crimes against man. She might become a terrorist!

Okay, she's evil! NO WAY AROUND IT!

Maybe that sounds horrible of me to say, but if you can get a few drinks in her mom (and believe me THAT is easy to do) she'll spill the beans that this cute lil' girl is E. V. I. L.!

Please bare with me, the next few days, I'm sure will contain pics of babies...

I know, it sucks!

This is Coy and even though it looks fake, it's not! That's a real baby on my brother's farm in the snow! I like using the flash with the sun behind the subject.

Coy may be blind now with all the flash pictures I'm taking of him. But it's worth it!

I've been around a few kids these last few weeks and I'm getting soft. Soft and wet from baby spit!

Hopefully, there will be a few of hot looking girls, but chances are it might be a relative and I'm told saying a relative is "Hot" is so wrong...

...Even in Missouri!

This is The Moxie Springfield, MO's newest, coolest, smallest, most awesomest independent movie theater!

I set my camera down on the center line of the wet pavement, set the timer and watched cars streak by barely missing running over my sweet Digital Canon!

I went inside to meet the cool couple that own the theatre. They have a long wall that displays local artists. They are nice and sweet.

They also serve about 10 different beers all brewed in Missouri and a wide assortment of wines.

They also show locally produced features!

Like:

"My Boss is an Idiot"

After the unexpected death of his father, Andrew (Brandon Goodwin) has no choice but to take a break from college, come home and manage the family book store. His plans are further complicated when he is reunited with Jessica (Emma Chapman), his best friend from grade school who had always considered him her ticket out of town. Featuring music from great local bands So Many Dynamos, The Outlaw Sea, Jeremy Larson, Pretty / Ugly, The Professional Americans, and New Anthem.

Check out the trailer here.

And:

"Homemade Hillbilly Jam"

Set against the magnificient landscape of the Missouri Ozarks, Rick Minnich's film follows one beautiful day in the life of Springfield's Big Smith, a band that creates music true to its roots - and always brings the house down.

It was so exciting to see the town I grew up in (and couldn't wait to leave, because there wasn't anything cool here for me to do) has some really cool things now, like The Moxie!

This is my niece Jennifer! Isn't she cute?

Hard to believe she already has two snappers of her own, but she does! Today the Santa Train came to their town and she took her baby to see Santa and get pics and when Santa saw Jennifer he thought she and her daughter were sisters.

I've always felt my head was too large for my body. When I'm thin, lean and hot looking, I look like an alien with my big ass head. Maybe that's why I choose to look a bit beefy-er, so my body proportion is proper.

My brother's head seems large, too. So does his wife's... I don't think big headed people should mate! Think of the children!

I need to find a small headed woman.

I don't want big headed kids!

I have received numerous complaints recently about my postings!

People doing searches for photographs of Brittany Spears' lady business and then coming to my site only to be disappointed by a hog slaughtering video...

This is for you!

Haven't we all seen it before? Or was that Paris Hilton's? Still, I enjoy any photo of a hot chick looking like she just sat in some gum.

Several girls I've been intimate with in the past have come forward to ask me via email, what I think about Brittany's snatch being all shaven and smooth like a Barbie doll?

Every single one of the gals has an agenda, because I let them know early on in the relationship that this trend of shaving the Bush completely away borders near the creepy land of pedophilia.

I'm not saying that I want to explore the jungle, follow a treasure trail, or bang a broad that looks like she's sitting on Buckwheat's shoulders, but I do enjoy a nice manicured lawn and a landing strip.

Maybe I'm old school?

Maybe it's because in my early stages of sexual education all my porn was hand me downs from the '70s back when they were on beta tapes and the packaging for the videoboxes were the size of tombstones.

Maybe I love the dark triangle? It's something I can focus on. Aim for. Lose all navigational systems, crash my fighter into, be reported missing in action never to be seen again...

Doesn't this look like a glass of iced tea?

A weak and watered down glass of iced tea sitting in the snow.

In fact, what it is, is the frozen contents of the previous night's ice tea to go, that I forgot to remove from the cup holder of my car before temperatures reached the single digits.

It sat there in the snow not melting for the entire day. Snowball, my brother's dog licked the frozen iced tea-sicle and then gave me a funny look, the kind where the dog tilts its head to the side.

My oldest brother Donny, the poet bought me lunch at Steak n' Shake and told me about new bullets being created in the area, where the slug itself is not lead or any kind of metal, but compressed and hardened, marinated food products, like garlic.

I asked him what the purpose would be, killing vampires?

He told me, that when the hunter is preparing the animal he needn't worry about looking for the bullet. He further imagined a zombie world where all bullets were replaced with concentrated seasoning. South Central drive bys for ghetto and gangsta cannibal barbeques. Jihad fighters taken down with hummus and falafel bullets.

The future is Soylent Green.

It's so beautiful here!

You can't tell from the photo, but the road is a solid sheet of ice! It's a bit dangerous!

Snow makes everything look so romantic. The forrest with all it's snakes, ticks, poison ivy and other things that cause troubles... They are frozen in a state of suspended animation and will revive only when the warm breezes breathe life back into them.

So I must enjoy my long walks through the trees now.

I even saw a deer standing still frozen solid in ice on a lawn near small frozen bunnies, gnomes, a pink flamingo and a Negro Lawn Jockey...

They still have those here?

Dang, that's so wrong!

What boy doesn't want to be on the radio?

Spike at Bedazzled has put up a commercial for an old toy radio station!

I put up a link to a new website where you and those that are looking for me to voice things can go to hear some of what I can do.

It's Fun making money with your mouth!

Alright, Don't be dirty, you know what I mean!

I was playing with a toy that has spinning lights on it and taking pictures in the dark to kill time and the pics look to me like DNA and that got me thinking about:

Will scientists soon be able to remove the parts of the DNA strand that make me sad?

Can altering any part DNA make me wealthy?

Healthier?

Can lasering off certain bits make it easier for me to stand up for myself?

Will I be able to get off the phone with a telemarketer without worrying if their feelings were hurt?

What atoms need to be zapped that will rescue me from phone conversations I don't want to be in when people are standing around me trying to listen in?

What switch needs to be flipped that will shut off my mind and let my body become a manual labor zombie and do the grunt work I'm offered but can't stand doing?

What button needs to be grafted on that will let me love myself?

Can DNA be changed to let me have calm and soothing dreams instead of the ones that jolt me awake sweating in fear with my heart pounding?

Can DNA be spliced to stop a heart from breaking?

Would I end up a Frankenstein? DNA stitched together like when I tried squeezing the end of my Hot Wheels Yellow Track into the prongs of my HO Scale Railroad Track.

When my mother was dying from cancer, I wondered why the body would do this to itself? Why would my body fail me? Why would my DNA let me be the way I am?

No matter how far away I drive, no matter where I go, it's not far enough or fast enough to escape what I'm made of.

Small Town Newspapers can have a hard time telling and reporting the Truth, because it always pisses someone off!

Click the picture to read the small sign they have in the window.

In towns like this, Everyone knows everyone and it's best to report on nearby towns rather than the locals.

I bet every reporter in these here parts carries a gun!

This may disturb you!

If you are troubled by the sight of Amish people, please don't watch!

If you are trouble by the knowledge of where your Christmas Ham comes from and what suffering took place to make it happen, look away!

Okay, babies are cute, I guess.

Here is Coy Page my Niece's baby boy and me making him giggle and slobber.

Just so everyone think I'm all soft and stuff, I'll post some harder stuff later.

This is a cemetary down the road from where I'm staying. I hear people are dying to get in there!

As my luck would have it; As you can see... Snow and Ice!

Missouri was hit with the worst weather on Record!

I asked about this and a weather guy at the NBC affiliate KY3 said they don't use records anymore, but they use CDs...

We got 3 inches of ice and 17 inches of snow!

I'm outside of a McDonald's using their WiFi and it's 23 DeesDegrees right now!

I had the Manager walk out to my car the other day asking what I was doing sitting in my car using my laptop. I told him I was using their WiFi and he had no idea what that was...

"Can I git that Hi-Fi Enter Net on my truck radio?" He asked.

"When ever I kill a deer and git er up on my truck hood, my MF radio gits better conception! Is that because the antlers are like an antenna?" He when on...

I LOVE IT HERE!

I'm gonna start a cult!