She IS hot, but SO am I!

It was in the triple digits in my pants today!

I was sweating so much these last few days, I was curious as to how much liquid I was expelling, so I sat most of the day in an empty plastic kiddie pool. Nude. Just dripping sweat. No AC.

Then I couldn't take it anymore and decided to go see, "Superman Returns," but I didn't want to just dump out all the sweat that poured out of me, so I drained it all into 3 plastic gallon containers.

3 Gallons of pure man-sweat!

That can't be healthy. I showered and dressed to go to the movie and chill in the theatre's cool air. I carried the jugs out with me and casually poured them out at the trunk of a small palm tree.

The movie was good and sweet, but if you thought "King Kong" was long, you'll feel it with "Superman Returns." The movie is big and has everything, but even when the world is being ripped apart I was aware that my ass was asleep and would be up all night.

I liked it an all, but as I recently told an animation friend, when he asked if I'd seen, "Cars" I said, "No. I'm a MAN, I don't care for puppet shows."

Really, I'm tired of big fake glossy images that make me feel nothing, but empty later. It's like Bono says, "You know, you're chewing bubblegum, You know what that is, But you still want some,'Cause you just can't get enough Of that lovie dovie stuff..."

Later, I watched one of my favorite Silent Films, "Sparrows" with Mary Pickford as a girl trapped in an abusive orphanage located in a swamp, where the only special effect is the faces and a scene of a kite she flies high above the walls with a note, a plea for help. It's heartbreaking when the kite falls into the branches of a dead tree.

Did I ever once think Superman was in serious danger? Can I even identify with anyone, other than Lex Luthor?

It's fun. But make no mistake, it's a puppet show and we need something that feeds the soul every once in a while.

I came back home all sweaty from the walk from my car and noticed the palm tree had died.

This is me with Richard Linklater back when we were closer.

Man, do I look high, or what?

In case you don't know, he directed, "Slacker," "Before Sunrise, "Dazed and Confused," and has two new films coming out, "Fast Food Nation" and "A Scanner Darkly."

I'm very excited about seeing "A Scanner Darkly." I remember picking up the paperback by Philip K. Dick after a friend who was a bit of a druggie highly recommended it.

Yes, he was high when he recommended it.

Reading Philip K. Dick at a young age made me think anything was possible in writing. Years later another friend loaned me some cassette tapes of Philip K. Dick stoned out of his mind talking into a tape recorder that would become one of his books.

I've always wondered if it is possible to make a film like Dick made his novels, stoned out of your mind, then I met Oliver Stone.

I've been seeing lots of films now that I have digital cable and a DVR. I watched "Alexander" and not knowing a single person that had anything good to say about it; I must say I thoroughly enjoyed it.

I didn't even notice the homosexual stuff, but did set aside my brown sugar and cinnamon pop tart when Colin Farrell's testicles made their on-screen appearance.

Watched Shane Black's, "Kiss Kiss Bang Bang" and completely dug it! This is coming from a guy that has a huge collection of Erle Stanley Gardner pulp fiction.

I was surprised to notice Corbin Bernson in the film. I just ran into him recently and worked with him on a film. Also, the production designer Aaron Osborn directed me in his feature film debut.

So Shane Black and I are like this...

There are some laugh out loud funny scenes in the movie and I can tell he has a similar sense the humor and feel we would get along.

Finally finished Woody Allen's "Melinda and Melinda," even received an e-mail when I mentioned that I was watching it and the lady said, "Yeah, it's a Woody Allen failure."

I didn't feel it was a failure at all and to paraphrase a line in the film "Alexander," "his failures are greater than most men's achievements," but I could have done without seeing Will Ferrel's testicles.

Just kidding, they're not visible in the film.

I admit that I watch Oprah from time to time and why couldn't Jesus come back to earth as a wealthy black woman? But I've never ever picked up her magazine until today. The issue is about books. It could be that every issue is about books and I just don't know it because I never picked up the magazine. I wanted to get this issue because Harper Lee writes a small article in it and this is the first published work by her in many many years.

I haven't finished reading the issue, but there are some funny statistics pointed out in it, like did you know, that the book most shoplifted is the Bible?

Isn't "thou shalt not steal" mentioned somewhere in there?

It was pointed out to me, that on several websites people are trying to hook me up by posting a link to my Plenty of Fish profile. I find this funny! It's like it's taken on its own viral video characteristics. People I've never even met sending out mass e-mails and chain letters trying to set me up with a woman.

Sadly, it appears there are not plenty of fish for me...

I went to see Cat Power performed at the John Anson Ford Theater. I think she is amazing and the audience was great. This is a video for her, "He War" that reminds me a bit of Maya Deren's work. If anyone had a Quicktime version of this, lemme know.

The John Anson Ford Theater is so cool! I just knew I would meet someone there for me. However, I believe next to John Anson Ford I was the oldest person there.

It sucks going to see a show by yourself.

Parked my car next to a minivan filled to the brim with about 15 friends all excited about seeing the show. Walking behind them, I see a car pull up and unload two people and the driver, who looks about 25 says, "I'll pick you up when it's over, just call me."

"Thanks Dad!" the girl says.

Maybe I'm getting too old to go to concerts?

It's weird, I'm younger than Trent Reznor, but when you see Nine Inch Nails, the crowd is pretty young.

I was watching some concert as I was flipping to the channels the other day, I believe it was PBS that a showing either Pink Floyd, or the Moody Blues, I don't know which, but the house lights were up through the entire show!

This puzzled me.

Why would they need to have the house lights up? Then it occurred to me, the incontinence and frequent need to urinate, might give an audience member a reason to get up and go, and if one was to fall and not be able to get up, emergency personnel would find them easily in the light.

I also believe, in all the applause, "The Clapper" would keep the lights on.

I took this picture in the courtyard of my place at 5am.

It looked so beautiful to me and it made me happy. It was like another world. The stars were just fading and some clouds moved in and looked like it might rain. The day seemed so full of possibilities.

However, it was a day filled with the Gas Company turning the gas on and off to check the lines for the whole area and then relighting the pilot lights over and over.

This went on from 8am to 5pm!

The Gasman kindly informed me that someone long ago put the wrong earthquake emergency valve for the complex and they can't do anything about it.

He then told me where it was so that during an earthquake I could run the opposite direction. Good to know!
I just wanted to take a hot bath and think of my future. Soak in my bath salts and eat raw oysters chilling in a bucket of ice next to the tub. Like Kirk and Spock, soon to be played by Matt Damon as Kirk and Ian Somerhalder from "Lost" as Spock and Adam Brody as Bones, in J.J. Abrams new Star Trek film!

Talk around town is that Tom Cruise is making the role of Finnegan his own. A small cameo and gift for his friend Abrams. While attending Starfleet Academy, James Kirk is tormented by upperclassman, Finnegan, who frequently chooses him as a target for practical jokes.

Remember, 15 years later, Kirk gets his chance to beat up a replica of Finnegan created on the amusement park planet in the Omicron Delta region.

Ben Kingsley takes on Sarek who vowes never to speak to Spock again when he enters Starfleet. This is suppose to be some powerful and heartbreaking stuff with Aishwarya Rai, the Sexy Indian Bollywood actress playing Spock's girlfriend, T'Pring. She and Spock were betrothed at the age of seven, arranged by the parents.

Well, that's all I heard so far...

Feel Gay yet?

This is how my friend Claudia welcomes me to Sharky's, with a shake of the hip, a wink and a kiss!

It's that kind of customer service that keeps me coming back to get the four cheese quesadilla with chicken!

If you click on the picture you'll see how she looks when she kisses me, (through protective glass) but realize my photography cannot capture her true beauty. Claudia, the raven haired Goddess with soft skin, big eyes, comedic timing and full lips, is muy caliente!

I don't know what was going on with me today, maybe it was my after shave, my body spray, the new soap I was using, or maybe just because I was in a good mood, but I received several kisses from various girls.

...and one from a guy, but he was a foreigner and they do things like that over there, wherever the hell he was from.

Stopped by some parties guests of the Los Angeles Film Festival were having at The Hollywood Roosevelt to pick up some free finger foods and found among the cheeses, celery sticks, chili and cheese spirals, I found the crack of all party foods; Crab Roll-Ups!

Write that down! Crab Roll-Ups!

I hate being a pig. I hate going to parties where I know no one. I hate being hungry.

That said, I bet the event planners will remember my name as "that guy that ate all the crab roll-up's!"

Completely stuffed, I left the room and forgot to pick up the bag of one sheets, screener DVDs, business cards and other assorted promotional crop, but I didn't forget the last Crab Roll-Up carefully concealed in the finest Hollywood Roosevelt embroidered linen nestled carefully in my pocket.

I walked through the lobby maneuvering my way through a sea of attractive young actresses thinking only of my drive home treat snuggled in my pocket like a baby Moses.

I walked the several blocks to my car conveniently parked in the darkness of a broken street light. I hurriedly dig for my keys before I get raped and inadvertently drop the Crab Roll-Ups.

The napkin unfurled and the wrap rolled across the sidewalk. I seriously thought about the five second rule and considered grabbing it, I mean, how dirty can the sidewalk be?


I drove home. My mind was not on driving. I passed a church where the sign read something to the effect that, "Jesus has your lottery number." I believe I may have run some red lights not thinking. I stopped off at Ralph's and glanced casually to notice if there was any blood on the hood of my car in case I had hit someone.

I thought to myself as I walked through the parking lot, "Jesus Christ, Please gimme the winning Lotto numbers and I'll be good!"

I heard the beautiful voice of an angel say, "World Famous?"

"Whaa?"

"Hello, my name is Joy Cosby, would you like to buy a world-famous candy bar from me?"

She was so cute and had a wonderful personality and I thought about the initials in her name, J.C. wondering if this was a sign. So I gave her the money, took a photograph of her and now I await my good fortune.

I admit, I love stories of Jesus, I think I love the stories Aladdin's Lamp more. Maybe if Jesus were, "the grants me three wishes-type" I'd go to church.

When I got back in the car, I picked up the candy bar and saw that it didn't say, "world-famous" at all, it said, "World's Finest."

How can I expect Jesus to give me the correct Lotto numbers, if he can't get the name of the candy bar right?

Some dogs have it made.

This lil' guy was making friends with me by scratching his back on my boots at Bookstar on Ventura. He looks big but is only about two handfuls. His name is "Loops" and his caretaker seemed fine letting him run free around the store and on the sidewalk without a leash.

Loops and I hit it off immediately!

As you can see in this photo, I'm cracking him up. A lot of dogs get my sense of humor. I had him rolling!

A lot of dogs are having it rough with the heat we are having, but many dogs here have it so good. People here have no qualms about going to the butcher for expensive meats for their dog, but would never even offer a homeless guy the time of day.

Imagine all the money some will spend on jeweled collars and cosmetic surgery for their pets, but some wouldn't stoop to donate any funds to a women's shelter to help a mother whose been beaten in front of her child.

Okay, I'm bumming...

I got new cable, recorded a bunch of shows with my Moxi and DVR, but didn't even turn the tee vee on. Maybe it was a mistake to spend the money, if I'm not even gonna watch.

I did pop in some DVDs into my PowerBook. I watched, "Kenji Mizoguchi: The Life of a Film Director" and got completely depressed. It is good, but it's so sad. The life of a true artist is not always something one should wish for.

I started watching Woody Allen's, "Melinda and Melinda" and just stopped it about 20 minutes into it because I can't get Kenji Mizoguchi out of my head.

The other day I capped off an Asia Argento film fest with Michael Radford's, "B Monkey." Jared Harris is a DJ who seems to play only Django Reinhardt music and he's a teacher desperately wanting some excitement in his life. In a London bar, he meets the beautiful Beatrice (Asia Argento) and his life is changed. Rupert Everett and Jonathan Rhys-Meyers are also in the film, each just looking cool and smoothly scary.

The Los Angeles Film Festival is going on and there have been interesting e-mails coming in from out of towners looking to get together to talk film.

I feel, however like I do with Birthdays... Isn't even more special to get gifts when they're least expected? Why try and do business with me because a Film Fest is going on? I'm open for business with or without a film festival.

Nothing more annoying than going to a lunch meeting and the guys you're with spend every moment looking past you to see who's walking in next.

Dogs don't care about funding or film. They just want you to scratch their belly and get them a treat.

I'm so excited, I've never had an electric toothbrush before!

This might not seem like a big deal to you, but I'm going all electric! My little electric astronaut toothbrush is just the first of many steps.

In my bathroom hall of mirrors every tooth is buffed by the high speed rotating bristles eliminating all disgusting plaque buildup and enamel, leaving my mouth filled with ivory shavings, bloody gums and strips of flesh that hang from the roof of my mouth like tattered gauzy fabric undulating in the chill of the midnight breeze in a Hammer Gothic horror.

I think the toothbrush needs to be broken in.

I was reading in one of my favorite magazines, Make about how you could turn your car into an electric vehicle with zero emissions for about $7,000!

You might want to try to find the volume five of this magazine. It talks about John Wayland who built the "White Zombie," a 1972 Datsun that is the world's quickest street legal electric car, running a quarter mile in just over 12 seconds!

I recently bought two batteries for my digital video camcorder, but with all the work I'm doing in the acting workshop, I'll need to order more batteries. It's amazing how fast these new batteries recharge!

My new Canon 7.1 Mega Pixel camera's batteries last longer and charge fast, as well. I received an e-mail from a reader of this page who has the same camera and has been loading movies onto his memory stick to watch on the Canon's large screen while he takes the train to and from work. He has yet to tell me how he does it.

My new place has free utilities and two windows that looked out over a side street under a beautiful shade tree. This Make magazine and the new movie, "Who Killed the Electric Car?" has me thinking how great it would be to have an electric car that I could charge with free electricity by lowering down an extension cord through one of my windows.

I am thinking of putting my Honda into a shop to be customized, but while it is away, maybe I could be driving some cool electric car!

Maybe I could build something like one of these cars but all electric?

Yesterday, I had a couple of girls in my apartment who were jabbering on about girl stuff as I was showing them my new cable, entertainment system and remote, but the batteries in the remote seemed to have died and one of the girls was saying, "... I was using my "Gate-Opener" and the batteries died and there was nothing I could do..."

So I said, "This is the first apartment I've ever had where I needed a remote to open the gate."

The two of them stared blankley at me. I thought that they were amazed I lived in areas that had no need for security gates, but they corrected that impression by telling me this and making me feel stupid;

"Jerry, a "Gate-Opener" is a secret codeword women use for "Vibrator," okay?"

Today was like a Wet Christmas for me!

Not only do I now have a high speed internet connection and wireless abilities in my huge apartment, but I also have digital cable with a DVR with Digeo Inc.'s Moxi™ Media Center Service!

I had friends come over and visit, but because I have not received my couch and have no furniture we sat on the floor and one of them even fell asleep.

An actress/waitress friend, Daryn, who has stepped up to the plate and performed in one of my acting workshop ventures, stopped by as a friend she used to work with lives in my apartment building.

She used this opportunity to try to view her scenes which I have yet not edited. After a phone call, her old friend who is now a flight attendant, came by as I was trying to learn how to operate my new cable system. They both left and went back to her friend's apartment a few doors down.

After a bit there was a knock at my door, but this time it was a maintenance man coming to fix my sink. I needed it fixed, too, because every time I brushed my teeth, the cabinet underneath the sink would fill up with water.

Only when I brush my teeth. I didn't understand it either.

As the man was working on my sink, Daryn came back asking if she could borrow a pair of my boxer shorts. I told her I only wore briefs and with that she left.

The maintenance man overhearing this leaned into my view and said, "I wear boxers!"

I heard them splashing in the pool and ran down to snap some photos just before my battery died. Suddenly the entire apartment complex came alive as kids, babies and scary dudes all jumped in the pool to escape the triple digits. It was like the girls had to break the ice.

If I had been smart I would have shot some video of her in the water to add to the work Daryn has already done in my film. But I wasn't prepared for her to just show up and ask if it was okay to climb in my underwear.

I was thrown off guard.

What you are looking at is the future of animation and me.

I attended a party in Hollywood at the studios of Titmouse, where thousands if not dozens of international animation geniuses talked loudly to be heard above the sound of other loudly talking animation geniuses.

I wish I could tell you who these people are I'm standing next to, but due to the tinnitus I was suffering from, I was unable to catch their names. I do know that next to me is Steve and next to him is Jon, one the funniest guys I met that night who also happens to be one of the directors of the soon to be cult hit, "Dethklok," below him is Ryan, my new workout buddy, hockey instructor and the coolest chick I've ever met who has offered to write a song for me, about me.

The other two guys I believe are interns...

I met many attractive and creative women that night and went home with numerous phone numbers. My confidence was raised to the roof, so at the next party I'm invited to, I will try to get phone numbers that belong to women instead.

I was invited to another party by a very beautiful gal from Canada who is only in town this coming weekend while working on an animated feature. I have a theory about girls that work in animation. It's a theory I've been formulating for several years, but goes something like this:

Girls that work in animation are easy!

I'm sure you or maybe someone you know will find fault with that theory, but I find it to be true. I mean, it's not like I've banged a lot of girls that are working in animation, but I'm guessing if I were to receive an e-mail from a reader of this theory and she said something like this:

"Jerry, I work in animation and I would like you to try and bang me."

See, she would just be provoking me to prove a point. She would be mustering up all her strength in an effort to not be bangable, but let's just say I'm at her apartment, she's prepared me a wonderful dinner, I help her with the dishes, she pours some wine, we retire to her living room, she slips out of her heels and curls up on the couch, she pops in a DVD of her favorite cartoon show, I pretend to be interested and say the magic sentence that loosens the mortar between bricks of her wall of defense.

"I'm best friends with the guys that run Animationmeat.com"

...her panties hit the floor.

Don't believe me? I've got videos to prove it.

It IS easy to be in the movies!

When you take my Acting Class you'll be in the movies!

I found this flier posted and wondered if I should be better at marketing my own class. I haven't been talking about the class much, because I'm working on a separate website that will explain it all.

Pretty soon, I will have a nice ad designed and running in Backstage West. So far my advertising has consisted of postings on Craigslist and word of mouth. I am surprised by the number of people who have attained much in the way of a true major Hollywood studio career, yet they have inquired about taking the class.

I admit I have a nervous fear that my little revolutionary idea for an acting class that results in a feature-length improvised movie available on DVD, using non professional actors, will grow, expand and explode into something uncontrollable.

Basically, I wanted to create something like this when I overheard some students at an acting class talking about all the money they spend on seminars, headshots, classes, and have nothing tangible to show for it.

In a silly way, when I heard another student talking about blowing all the money her parents gave her to come to Hollywood and study acting and how she never even got a part as an extra in a film or TV show, I wanted to create a class where a student could point to a DVD and tell family and friends, "Look, I did this!"

This girl had to go back home to Ohio with her head down, tail between her legs and forever feeling like she could have done more. Now, she is in the barn, in her cut off denim jeans, gingham shirt tied in a knot between her nice round full bra-less breasts, milking a cow and dreaming of performing.

I want that actress to know I am here for her.

See? This is why I have to have a separate website for the acting workshop, actors reading this ain't gonna take my class...

Actors are so serious, don't you know I'm just joshing?

C'mon, let's make some movies!

I try and be dependable here.

Because of my move, I am currently without internet access for a few days. I've been driving around the city, hijacking random Wi-Fi from households that have no idea I'm parked outside.

Mail is now finally making it's way to me at the new place and I was so happy that a cool new turntable I ordered from an overseas company arrived.

I'm wanting to get back into spinning grooves at various clubs and parties. I used to make so much money doing that and I recently was asked if I was available to do it.

I thought I should upgrade some of my equipment, so I ordered this from a website that I had to get translated through Google. But it wasn't at all the turntable I thought it was.

It is a hot plate of some sort!

Why couldn't it be this?

Oh well, I can scramble me up some eggs instead...

I met some neighbors at my new place and they imparted some interesting info about the previous tenant to my apartment.

Remember back when I first got the place, I paid rent and deposit over a month before moving in, because the place was in such disarray?

Well, I had to move in without everything being fixed or even cleaned to my high standards. Light fixtures were broken, drains clogged, shelfs uncleaned.

I stepped up to clean a top shelf and found a square patch of Red velvet with an embroidered, possibly Satanic symbol in the fabric.

Today, two neighbors talking outside, told me that the woman that lived there before was into witchcraft and other occult interests and that I should have a priest bless the space.

I thought maybe they were just trying to freak me out, however the square of fabric popped into my head only after they told me all this.

They said a maintenance guy told them when he came to repair the disposal he found animal bones and some sort of pet collar clogging the drain. They were Not Chicken Bones!

They believe she sacrificed animals there and disposed of them in her sink.


They told me this and other things and as they said it, I began to feel a stinging pain in my wrist where a squirrel had attacked me soon after renting the place.

It's weird, The Omen had killer dogs, The Crow has crows, I have demonic squirrels!

I hope I don't have Demonic Rabies.

Everyone has a baby!

I can't stand it when my friends are squeezing out mouth-breathers. Aren't there enough dogs and cats to play with instead of adding more fodder for future wars?

Aaron and Sow brought lil' Ray to America and I tried not to get too crazy about him, but he started crawling and climbing on me and just look at that smile...

Gawddamn it!

Now I want one!
After playing with him all day, I had dreams about little babies last night. I was in an old orange orchard that had gone some years without any workers tending it. It was all overgrown and I found myself walking through it.

I came across a coiled up rattlesnake in my path. I hate dreams of snakes as much as I hate seeing snakes in real life. This snake rattled at me and hissed.

It started to slither away and as it did, a sparkle caught my eye and I saw that the snake has a diamond ring around its body. It was as though the snake had crawled through a lost wedding ring and had grown too big to crawl out of it.

"I'm a Diamonback Rattler and if you remove this ring from me I will reward you with the best fruit." he said in a hissing manner.

I followed him to where the path forked into two different directions. One path was clean and well treaded and the other unmowed and dangerous. I heard cats meowing and I turned left on the clean path. In a row of trees I found the snake again coiled, but up in the branch of a tree.

"Here is an orange for you." He said.

I reached up and plucked the orange. It was heaving. I peeled it and found there was no orange in it, but instead a small baby curled up inside.

The meowing cats were instead all the little babies stuck up in the trees crying and waiting for someone to peel them free.

It looked up and smiled.

I woke up to hear Darryl Hanna on the radio talking about staying up in a tree, protesting the destruction of a farm. I rolled over and slept some more only wake up exactly one hour later to hear Daryl Hanna again on the News repeat. This time I had dreamt the snake showed me another tree down the unkempt path with a nude mermaid living in it.

"How can a Mermaid live in a tree without being in the water?" I asked the snake.

"Who cares? Just look at those tits!"

I woke up.

Dirty snake!

It recently came to my attention, though I may have heard this as a kid, that I am related to one of the "Our Gang" cast members.

That is him on the left covering his face and wearing a similar hat that I am now wearing. His name is Robert Lentz. I also share the name Robert as a middle name. I don't know what his name was on the show and I don't remember him as a character.

I loved watching, "Our Gang" and "Little Rascals" when I was growing up and it's so exciting to now be living in an area where all those short films were shot.

It's so funny to think that in those episodes where the kids were always hanging out at Toluca Lake and at any given moment I can hop in my car and drive a few miles, if the car is running, and tried to find the lake. Because I'm told the lake is there, it's just surrounded by estates and you can't reach the shore without crossing private property. Kind of like going to the beach in Malibu.

I was married once in Toluca Lake. The town, not the actual water.


It's funny to see how society related to certain things compared to how we treat them today watching these short films. These comedies were shot during Prohibition, the Great Depression and the Motion Picture Code of Decency, yet these films could deal in an honest manner on the subject of drug use among the youth.

I know people that are having kids, or have had kids, and I think those little short films should live on with this new generation. I want my niece, who now has two kids to get the DVDs and show them to her kids.

I think there are wonderful lessons to be learned from the adventures and misadventures of those little kids. One lesson I'll always remember from one of the short films, is that if you stumble upon the treasure of a pirate or a giant, the best thing to do to haul off the loot is the stuff your trouser cuffs down into your socks and just pour the gold coins and jewels down your pants.

Some people feel the "Our Gang" and "Little Rascals" films are outdated, obsolete, racist, and too boring because of the black-and-white and the acting style, but I love them. I don't see how one could be unhappy or depressed while watching one of the good ones.

I remember watching Darla when I was younger than Darla in the film and thinking how cute she was. I had a crush on Darla for years and had no idea that she was an old broad or even dead at the time, but that's the power of the films.

They're timeless.

Here is a nude picture of Darla Hood (supposedly) as an adult, but don't look if you are offended by nude people with lots of pubic hair.

I also remember my father, in his wisdom, telling me at an age that even I knew it was inappropriate to hear this information, that he and some old Navy buddies from WWII were in Harlem and stopped into a club that advertised the stripper was Darla. He went on and on about what a great time they had drinking and carousing with her.

I was crushed by the sordid details, but sometimes adults just love to crush the dreams of the young.

Almost everyone knows the work I've done to abolish child slavery, but many don't know that I was born into a life of labor.

Yes, it's true. I was born before remote-controls were commonplace. My job as a child was to change the channel for my father, oh, and get him a beer, while I'm at it.

I found no happiness in this slavery.

My therapist once told me, that my fascination with robotics stemmed from the desire to reenact the drudgery of labor, as a youth, from another perspective. This time as the slave master.

This psychiatric breakthrough was followed by the discovering of my need to eat out every day and night. I was 16 years old when I lost my virginity to a woman in her early 30's that was a waitress at a diner near a company where my brothers worked.

The seduction began when she asked me to help her move her belongings from an apartment that was being refurbished to a motel room where she was staying for the time being.

After I had done what I was asked, she set the cash down on the bed and told me I had a choice; Either I could have the cash, or she would show me how to make love to her.

I made my choice and a series of locked gates in my psyche fell open to her. The education she provided was nothing more then set lessons created to please her.

For a few months I was her slave.

Then one day I didn't want to play anymore. I never saw her again.

It wasn't long after that, my best friend Matt and I snuck in a theater to watch, "The Story of O." We had lied to his mother, who dropped us off, saying that we were seeing Charlton Heston in "Gray Lady Down."

I think these two events has made me a better lover. Just ask any former lover of mine, that doesn't hate my guts... good luck finding one.

I'm watching on DVD, director Pola Rapaport's documentary called, "Writer of O" about how the book published in 1954 under a pseudonym, was an exploration of the relationship between sexuality and power, and how it became a worldwide sensation.

But the author's true identity remained a mystery until 1994, when Dominique Aury, a literary editor, revealed herself to be the writer. This documentary uncovers Aury's inspiration for one of the most scandalous works in modern fiction.

I'm enjoying the film very much. I love the French! Everyone looks better with a French accent, or subtitles. There doesn't appear to be many fat French people. I'm planning a trip to France sometime in the next few months and have been listening to the podcasts of Rick Steves, whose team has been very helpful to me lately with my plans to do a series of workshops in Europe.

It would be so incredibly awesome, if while doing my workshop and making one of our little movies, that I would meet a beautiful French speaking actress not unlike Anna Karina and fall in love.

Hopefully, she would fall in love with me too. Maybe then we could have a child to do the chores around our chateau.

This is my friend Dirk, from the band, Bad Acid Trip, and I celebrating on the eve of his tour with Ozzfest.

Dirk used to be my next door neighbor. He had the greatest and wildest parties. He originally started out making special effects for movies, so his house, his backyard, and his front yard were filled with corpses, nude female torsos minus the head and arms and a concrete demon cat that I added to the mix as a gift. Cars would always a slowdown on this street when Dirk's house came into view.

Whenever I wanted to impress a girl that I brought over to my place, I would tell her that Rob Zombie lived there. He actually lived down the block, but being next door was more impressive.

But seriously, would you want to bang a girl that would find that impressive?

So would I!

I've already received much e-mail saying that my hat looks stupid on me. One letter even said, that the hat looked great, but I look stupid. I can't win.

It was so hot today!

An old Firestone thermometer in the laundry room of the place I'm moving into, said the temperature was 125 degrees! I felt every degree! According to Sierra, a college student doing her laundry, it is broken and always says 125 degrees.

Still, I was sweating so much, when I adjusted my stance, I noticed I left a puddle of sweat where I had been standing.

In the store where I bought my new couch, there was a sign above a mattress that said, the human body sweats 4 gallons of liquid a month.

Can that be right?

I took my first shower in my new place, however I haven't installed a shower curtain, curtain liner, or the shower curtain rod, so I turned on the water to a low pressure setting, which luck would have it, was full blast. I gently showered trying not to spray the floor. I stepped out onto the tile where I have yet to place a bath mat and slipped so fast I hadn't had time to prepare myself for the splits.

I find it difficult to walk now, and believe I need a massage on the tender and delicate muscles of my crotch. If only I knew where I could find a masseuse that would do that.

I don't know if you'd find me really attractive or that I might be somebody that you can feel really close to... because it doesn't happen with just anyone... you know what I mean don't you?

As you can see, even though I am delicate and gentle when I remove your shoes and paint your toenails, I'm afraid you'll find my fuselage and outer casing cold and hard to the touch.

That feeling of closeness that allows you to let go and really be with someone... No matter who the manufacturer is... I'm not sure we could have that... But we might have fun finding out and the very least we might be friends... But it is nice isn't it?

I love the feeling when all my sensors and servos are firing so precisely that it hardly seems like work at all, when I'm computating your beauty through my pattern recognition chip.

These feelings I have, don't even seem to be data.

I mean when that does happen and you find yourself having all those feelings... inside. You know how that feels don't you? I mean when was the last time you felt that way? Really intense... inside... and down below… and as you think about it have you noticed you can get some of those feelings back now!

I'll admit just thinking of you makes my tubes warm and glow amber.

You know if I find you really attractive, but I probably don't want you to sleep with me... I'm not even going to ask you... because its your decision... and anyway I'm not sure you can make me want you... but its nice to think about it isn't it?

And I'm sure you'll find what you really want... eventually, but until then we can have some kind of closeness… because I don't want to sleep with anyone who doesn't really want to sleep with me... 100%.

But we can be friends can't we?

I've been programmed to please you, how can that be wrong?

I was saddened to see David Lynch getting a divorce in the news.

His third wife, Mary Sweeney, a longtime colleague, was only married to Lynch for a month.

Lynch cited "irreconcilable differences" as the reason for the split.

Sweeney started off as an assistant editor on "Blue Velvet," she edited, "Twin Peaks" and "Twin Peaks: Fire Walk with Me," "Lost Highway" and "The Straight Story," which she co-wrote.

A chick like that, ain't gonna feel comfortable brewing your coffee and washing your dirty drawls.

She's produced Lynch's next big-screen work, "Inland Empire" which stars Laura Dern, Jeremy Irons and Harry Dean Stanton.

Lynch was married twice before with each ending in divorce, and shacked up with Isabella Rossellini.

His first wife was the adorable Mary Lentz.

Every time I think I want to get married again, someone I looked up to or know, gets a divorce. Not that I'm anywhere near to getting married, I'm not even dating.

Why?

Because you haven't stepped up to the plate and tried to help a brother out.

Lynch has built up quite a lot of property and finances, he stands to lose a lot! If you are a fan of his work, you might want to help him with some much-needed cash.

He now has a line of ringtones, wallpapers and other cell phone crap based upon his TV series, films and art work, available for downloading via www.DavidLynch.com including his animated Web series "Dumbland," "Eraserhead" sound effects and music that Lynch composed himself.

Half of all Americans think the level of violence in Iraq will be unchanged by Zarqawi's death, while 30 percent say it will actually lead to more attacks against U.S. forces. Just 16 percent think the number of attacks will decrease as a result of his death.

My sources tell me that the body wasn't Zarqawi's, but sadly that of actor Alfred Molina.

Alfred Molina has been missing for weeks!

I'll try and write more later, but I am swamped with the workshop, moving and trying to find the body of Alfred Molina.

Being an American is so stressful.

My robot loves lil' girls pretending to be lesbians!

Okay people, enough with sending me all the covers of songs from The Smiths, by other bands. I hear ya, but sorry, Morrissey is still the best!

t.A.T.u - How soon is now?

Granted, these girls are cute...

Hanging with my friends tonight at CPK in Studio City, I noticed the place was filled with young squeaky girls. It was like a tour bus from MySpace pulled up and dumped its contents on us.

I had my Thai Chicken Pizza and I discovered all the teens were eating the same thing. I guess I have my finger on the pulse of the Laguna Beach demographic.

At Bloomingdales, Keith kindly filled my Little Brown Bag with free samples of Lab, saying that it is how he keeps his skin young and smooth. He did have very pretty skin, but that's coming from a non-gay guy's observation. I told him, "It's looks like it works, I'd say you were 25 years old."

"Well, Thanks, but I just turned 21."

I'll be sure to apply this all over.

He must have given me $100 worth of stuff. I basically, use Burt's Bees products for everything, but this Lab Series looks nice, too.

My non-theatrical friends think I'm crazy with my skin care products, but when I'm out on the street and some girl thinks I'm in my late teens, or early 20's, I know my huge investment has been worth it. I just hope that situation I described will someday actually happen.

Burt's Bees Milk and Honey Lotion smells so wonderful on my penis.

It really does! Several times throughout the day, I'll have to drop my pants, bend over and get a good whiff of my penis. It's just that good.

Only problem, I think the Honey attracts flies and actual bees, I sent Burt's Bees an e-mail letting them know, but I think they are too busy with all their success to reply.

As far as Mondays go, this one was pretty good!

Did a few sets of stand-up comedy at one of my favorite clubs Cafe Ha Ha, last night and the crowd was great! Met a few cute girls, some people bought me drinks, and I made new friends.

Girls really like to laugh and when I'm all alone with them in intimate situations, that's when the laughter really begins. We can get to laughing so hard, that I have to wipe away the tears.

"I'm sorry, I'm all out of tissue, may I use your panties?"

I'm trying to get back into the mode of going to clubs, but it has to be the right club. Can't be going into any club where the audience is too young. I don't want to feel like a geezer.

But I just know there's a club if you'd like to go, you could meet somebody who really loves you. So you go, and you stand on your own and you leave on your own and you go home...

And you cry and you want to die.

Today, I was going through boxes at my storage facility and came across some photos of me and Johnny Marr of The Smiths and it brought back some old memories. I'm hoping I will be able to do one of my feature film acting workshops in Manchester, so I can see old friends and make new ones.

I'm still packing and moving into my new place. Today I bought a new sofa! But as usual, I have to wait before I can get it. It looks like it will be four weeks before my sofa arrives. The company only makes them per order.

Oh, by the way, do you like my new hat?

It's a Kangol I bought at Fashion Square Mall, at a kiosk from my Iranian lady, who when I asked, "Will this drive the girls crazing?"

She said, "No, but you will."

How's that for Saleswomanship!

I had to get it after that!

I was on one of my favorite radio shows, "Coast to Coast AM" last night as Ian Punnett read a letter I wrote.

He talked a while on it. It was in regards to his last Saturday night show, when a caller chimed in about a sound effect that has become one of C2C's iconic and legendary show segments. The listener told Ian he believed the sound effect was from a porno film possibly, "The Devil in Miss Jones."

I know this is not the case, because I created the urban legend and I know what the sound effects is originally from; Here's my letter to Ian:

Subject: Sounds of Hell myth revealed!
Date: June 3, 2006 11:04:31 PM PDT
To: ian@coasttocoastam.com

Ian,

Always great shows by you!

The caller talking about the sounds recorded in the Russian oil well, when a microphone was lowered down into hell... Was not from a porno film as he said. Because I know where it's from and maybe now I should fess up.

I sent Art the story years ago as a joke, but he ran with it! Friends would always call me when Art played the sound file I sent him. Everyone got a big kick out of it.

I never told anyone on the show, but I dig your style and personality on the air. I sorta used the identity of the source as a watermark to prove my ownership of this Urban Legend, but I will tell you if you reply and you will be the 1st at Premiere to know!

Thanks,

Jerry

Well (no pun intended), he did respond:

From: ian@coasttocoastam.com
Subject: Re: Sounds of Hell myth revealed!
Date: June 10, 2006 8:49:50 PM PDT

I'm reading this tonight!

God bless, Punnett
FM107


Subject: Re: Sounds of Hell myth revealed!
Date: June 10, 2006 9:06:52 PM PDT
To: ian@coasttocoastam.com

But Ian, you don't know what movie I took the sound from... yet.

Okay, I'll tell you... It was "Baron Blood" with Joseph Cotten.

Here's a link to the trailer with a little bit of the sounds that I took as the sounds from Hell.

Trailer for "Baron Blood"

In the film there is a scene where he plays a tape of the screams of torture and those are the sounds I sent to Art.

There's a scoop for Ian!!!

You rock,

Jerry Lentz

Steve was with me listening. I recorded it and will post it below.

The way I came on with this urban legend, was years ago when a friend loaned me a tape of an old-time radio drama by Wyllis Cooper called, "The Thing on the Fourble Board."

I was intrigued, because I didn't know what is Fourble Board was.

According to the story, on old oil rigs the platform for the different levels were made out of boards that could be easily removed and reassembled as the rig needed. Sometime while drilling a well, these two guys discover a creature that has crawled up the hole. It's a large spider with the face of the baby and it cries all through the story. It's a very creepy and scary show.

Here is a link to an updated version performed on stage back in 2004. Sacred Fools

That original radio show made back in the late 40's and heard on tape in the early '80s was the influence that led me to create the story of one of my relatives working on an oil rig in Siberia where the drill bits kept breaking and when they pulled up the bit, they found chain links and ankle cuffs caught in the teeth. It was covered with blood and even found a finger or a big toe. Screams were heard emanating from the hole, so the crew worked to lower a microphone deep down into the bowels of hell.

At the time, I thought I might possibly be able to get funding to make this into a movie, but it seemed like a lot of work and to be so much easier to just tell people about it. I had been watching a lot of movies by one of my favorites Italian film directors Mario Bava who directed a film called, "Baron Blood" that I was very much enjoying that had a really creepy sound effect of people being tortured.

And that ladies and gentlemen is the sound you hear!

Listen to Ian talk about my work.

Jerry Lentz' letter on C2C AM with Ian Punnett

The circus came to town last night and I think I'm going to run away with it!

I think I have sawdust in my blood. I love the smell of elephants and carney folk. I love the idea of putting on a show for a few days in one town, from then hop in the gypsy van with the fortune teller and off to the next town.

Living life like Paul Newman putting on his Wild West show in, Robert Altman's, "Buffalo Bill and the Indians. "

I saw Prairie Home Companion today.

It was a matinee. But I would say 50 percent of the theater was full. Full of really old people.

I'm not an age-ist, because I recently had a birthday, but I was by far the youngest person there seeing the movie. I was excited when I saw a girl I thought might be my age with her great great great grandmother, however she turned out to be a hospice volunteer wheeling in an elderly woman and assisting in her death.

I love Robert Altman. We're from the same place. Kansas City. I smoked weed with him at the USA film festival, though he doesn't like to share the good stuff, Oliver Stone has the great stuff!

Oliver Stone will share!

I wonder if a Prairie Home Companion had been directed by Oliver Stone if the majority of the audience today would have been too engrossed in the bloodshed to fidget with their portable medical devices, colostomy bags and hearing aids?

The interesting thing was, that everyone stayed for the entire length of the end credits, but it turned out many were just simply unconscious.

I admit I'm a fan of the radio show, but as I've said before, Why can't the radio show be a radio show and not a movie?

Later in the night I went to see a X-Men: The Last Stand in the Burbank Mall, in a theater so small that if you leave to go the bathroom you completely block the projector on the way out. I swear, the projector beam was at stomach level.

People in that theater talked throughout the movie, not because they're rude, but because the screen being so small, they thought they're watching television at home. Some were so comfortable they forgot where they were and farted.

But it was during a loud battle scene and I didn't think anybody would notice.

I really enjoyed the movie, especially after the horrible reviews from so-called friends. I don't know what is in the movie to attract the particular crowd I saw it with, but after everyone stayed to watch the special "Easter Egg" treat after the credits, I noticed a group of 10 possible cast members from "The L-Word" sitting behind me.

I'm guessing lesbians love Jean Grey!

...and really what's not love? Even when she was veiny, black eyes, and a bad dye job, she is hotter than any of the chicks I've banged in last three months, four days and one year total.

How come I can't find a girl that not only loves me, but has superpowers?

I try and pay attention to Aaron, but things always distracts me when he's around.

What is it with Amazon.com, anyway?

OK, let me back up. I'm very excited that my friend Aaron has successfully received the tax title and license to his new wife and baby, and will be bringing them here from Thailand in a matter of days.

He told me, he still needs to go back next week and get the visa. I've told him time and time again, that they don't use MasterCard in the sauce.

Anyway, I think Steve's gifts of T-shirts with American flags on them did the trick! I can't wait to see little Rayluk in his skateboard T-shirt, where one of the boards is painted like the American flag.

I believe Mother and Child both wore their shirts to the interrogation.

Ever since I bought young Ray a gift off Amazon.com, I get Kiddy Spam trying to sell me all sorts of children's items:

"Stride Rite Shoes!

For more than 85 years, Stride Rite has been designing and engineering footwear specifically to meet the needs of growing children. Discover hundreds of styles at great prices on Stride Rite shoes at Amazon."


As a single grown man with no children (that know of me) I do not enjoy having to hit the snooze alarm on my biological clock every time I check my e-mail.

Ray will have to just make do with my future purchases from the 99¢ Store!

Here is a picture of Ray wearing the gift I purchased him. You're never too young to wear a little ink!

It seems things never last.

It's like we're made out of wood. We grow, we age, we rot.

We get the names of those we love carved in our bark and hearts.

There's a park I get to sometimes, next to a library, with huge old trees that I like to set at the trunk of and look up at its canopy of branches. In the early morning mist the sun's rays flicker through its leaves like stained-glass in a cathedral. Who needs churches?

When I get down and depressed and wants to sleep all day in an effort to escape, this one tree comforts me. It's like a whale, big and imperceptibly slow, that has seen it all.

This too shall pass, I imagine it imparts to me.

The back of my head resting against the rough bark. My eyes closed. A small stack of books and papers in my lap. Sitting on cool soil. Below me in the darkness of the ground a network of tentacle-like trunks complete the circuit between heaven and earth.

I sit where life-and-death converge, the yen and yang, the line between the Devil's teeth and know this moment is the present. The present I am unable to hold on to. Holding water in a clenched fist. Time moves. Time changes. Time may change me, but I can't trace time.

I don't know how I get into these situations?

Maybe its this demon black cat that lives in the chimney that is the cause of all my woes.

First it's my car, now it's my new place.

I was supposed to move in on the 1st, I'd paid the deposit and 1st month's rent back on the 17th of May, but when I drove up and inspected the place on the 1st, the old dirty carpeting was still there, the refrigerator was broken, the kitchen floor was ripped and dirty, the sink was backed up, and the toilet was unflushed and porcelain stained.

The manager was sick and could barely talk, so I gave them two days to get everything ready, but when I went by yesterday the new carpeting had been put in, but wasn't the color or style that we agreed on, the walls had not been painted and nothing had been done to the kitchen or bathroom.

I'm not living in my car, in case you're wondering. I have a place to crash. Luckily, these events corresponded perfectly to Aaron heading back to Thailand for a few weeks to steal his baby and wife from their homeland.

It has been difficult dealing with all of this and the acting workshop at the same time. But the response to the workshop has more than lifted my spirits.

It's funny how things work sometimes. A reader of this page sent me a very long letter asking if I'd be interested in working for his company. He listed numerous positions that I might choose from, with flexible schedules so not to interfere with a workshop. I am considering it. The company is awesome! I hesitate telling you about it now, because I have yet to decide, but it could totally rock!

I will say it is motion-picture related and evidently, according to the letter he is a big fan of the videos I made for GreenCine and the MethodFest.

Did you find yourself suffering from Hexakosioihexekontahexaphobia yesterday?


I am so excited when I got the call that Rob Zombie has been brought in to helm a new "Halloween" film that will kickstart a whole new vision for the franchise and will neither be linked as a sequel to the other films, nor will it be a remake of the 1978 original by John Carpenter.

I have decided that I will go ahead and audition for the part of Dr. Sam Loomis made famous by one of my favorite actors, Donald Pleasence.

I have been in e-mail correspondence with one of my favorite film makers, Allison Anders who I met back in the early '90s at the Sundance Film Festival. I was reminding her about the time she held my hand during the screening of her film, "Gas, Food Lodging." She seemed like the coolest woman in the world to me. Holding my hand goes a long way! I'm just that easy.

She has a rock and roll film festival called, "Don't Knock The Rock Film And Music Festival" coming up and we're talking about the possibility of screening, my "Angry Blue Planet" there.

That would be so awesome!

Just the other day I was talking with someone about squirrels and they were saying they are just rats with fuzzy tails.

I was arguing with them because I've had wonderful experiences with squirrels.

I spoke to soon.

This is a photo I took this morning of a demonic squirrel just as it leaped onto my head.

I'm not kidding!

Just look at those eyes!

I have little bloody scratches and torn clothing to prove it. I thought I was being bit, but I believe it was its razor sharp claws were trying to get a foothold on the smooth round surface of my beautiful head.

As I spun in circles flailing my hands this fucking squirrel was emitting a sharp high-pitched squeal, but it only turned out to be me screaming like little girl.

If you click on the picture you will see who came to my rescue. Just like Rin Tin Tin, or Lassie, my four legged friend, Harry jumped in to carry me to safety.

For that, I gave him a special treat! That's right, I let him hump my leg without protest.

My early morning jungle excursion with wild demonic creatures only solidifies my fear that 6-6-06 is real and the trouble is only beginning.

Be afraid, be very afraid!

Down on Hollywood Boulevard today, in the sweltering heat I tried to sell some maps to the homes of Stars, but this guy soiled my turf and undercut my price!

Click on the image to the right to see a picture of me and Steve eating at Baja Fresh across from the Chinese Theater. It looks completely fake!

We had a window seat as we waited to see X-Men 3, which we never did, but instead got to watch a steady stream of hot little mamma's in belly shirts, cute naive foreign tourists, starving models and sweating transvestites walk by our window.

To me, the picture looks like we were cut out and pasted on a picture of the Chinese Theater. The guy that helped advance the technique of compositing using blue screen, stuff that many of my friends like Steve do for a living, just died.

The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences gave Arthur Widmer the lifetime achievement award recently for his work in developing Ultra Violet and "blue screen" special effects processes. He designed and built the optical Department for Universal Studios the year I was born and died on my birthday.

My friends who pay their bills and loan me money using technologies that Arthur developed don't even know who he is. Hollywood is so quick to forget, bulldoze, and move along.

We drove by what used to be a historical building where I have seen historical performances by iconic figures in punk rock, being bulldozed. A dry, hot, carcinogenic and asbestos filled dust cloud of depression hit me as we drove by the destruction.

Later, I tried to cool off and read the latest issue of Wired magazine at a cafe where a waitress I know who likes the kind of humor that's based on hurting people's feelings, works.

I think she has a crush on me, because there's things that she focuses on to tease me about. It gets old and tiring. Whenever I see her, it's an armada of questions and statements meant to press my buttons.

"Jerry, what don't you ever bring any women here?"

"Jerry, if I rub your head, will you grant me a wish?"

"Jerry, so why did your wife divorce you?"

"Jerry, do you shave your head because you are racist?"

"Jerry, anyone ever tell you, you look like Mr. Clean?"

"Jerry, you are so old."

The place was packed and there was a heavy wall of crowd noise in the air. She walks by my table and says, "You know, you should grow your hair."

So without thinking I respond with, "Yeah, and you should lose some weight."

It was like someone bumped into the club DJ and his needle slid across the album and all sound was sucked through a tiny bullet hole in the fuselage and out into the vacuum of space.

I swear I heard my own heart beating.

In an uncharacteristically squeaky tiny voice she asked, "Wa wa what did you say?"

Tears welled up in her eyes and the empty coffee cup sitting on the saucer began rattling in the vibration of her nervous hand. Her little fat body began quivering and I thought she was going to pop.

"Jerry, I apologize if I ever said anything to hurt your feelings, I was only joking, so you better apologize to me now, because I've lost 30 lbs.... Now apologize!"

I was afraid to eat any of my food in fear that she had spit in it or worse, so I sat there as one by one, her co-workers came by to give me the mean and disappointing look and slowly shake their heads at me.

It's funny, that some women feel they can say whatever they want about a man, but if he returns with a similar comment, they flip out and say unfair, If you mentioned of their weight.

It looks like I need the eat at home more often...

I have a feeling I'm the only one that is sick and tired of The Sopranos and could give a rat's ass, who gets shot, who gets pregnant, or whether it ends...

The few episodes I saw I enjoyed, but c'mon...

Matthew McConaughey and Penelope Cruz breaking up? I didn't even know they're married.

Penelope just can't seem to keep a man. Do you think she just lays there?

Don't get me wrong, I think she's hot, maybe she just doesn't wash enough.

The new Batwoman is a hot lipstick lesbian!

Seriously, would you rather read about Wolverine?

But then, just how weird it is it, to be aroused by cartoons bumping donuts?

You just know when Batwoman peels off that camel-toe accentuating skintight suit, she smells like a Band-Aid and ass and feet.

I'm all sappho-ed out today, cause I rented,"Therese and Isabelle" starring Essy Persson and Anna Gael, directed by Radley Metzger. I sat there on the couch in my underwear, sweating, not because of the film, but because the heat was in the triple digits.

After the movie ended, I stared at the ceiling and daydreamed for at least an hour. I daydreamed that I was sent to all girls school in France and that this school, as old and Gothic as it was, had air-conditioning.

Sometimes I wish I was a pretty girl. Those bitches' got it made. If I was a pretty girl I would luffa myself in the shower all day long and if I wasn't too raw, into the night.

There was an incident the other night, where some friends and I came in contact to a group of young pretty girls. The prettiest one had that deer caught in the headlights look, where the simplest action, like breathing, seemed overwhelming to her.

She seemed so easily confusable, that I worried for her safety. I truly believe I could have said, "The weather is a rather warm tonight, don't you agree? Please remove your panties."

"Uh huh, okay," as the panties hit the floor.

I know people will disagree with this, but are there really any smart sexy girls?

Sounds like a stupid question doesn't it?

I mean, you might see a few of them on TV, or read about them, like aliens from outer space, but did you actually ever met one? Couldn't it be that the few we see in media are in fact just actors pretending to be sexy and smart for cash? Or some kind of special effects?

Don't believe an attractive person ever needs to learn anything, because everything is given to them starting at a young age.

Now you may say, "Jerry, I know a sexy smart person!"

Granted, with makeup, a stylist, hairdresser, a wind machine and a library card, one could fake it.

I just believe you should look deep within and you'll find that I'm speaking the truth.

Can you imagine the horror a sexy person feels when their beauty fades? What do they have to fall back on?

You and I, no offense, developed are winning personalities because we either had to talk our way out of getting the shit kicked out of us, or we had to momentarily stun the "sexy" with our witty repartee long enough to get their panties on the floor.

I'm off to church now!

This is my favorite photograph of Orson Welles.

I don't really know why, but Orson Welles has occupied quite a lot of space in the regions of my brain that handled the functions for daydreaming. He was a big guy and I have a big head.

A big fat head.

Hanging out with my new theatre friends today in the sweltering heat, cooling our heels up on the edge of the stage, kickbacked in the musty and dusty seats waiting for the air conditioning to bring relief, I began telling them some Mercury Theatre anecdotes I've collected of the years.

We talked about the numerous books, movies and bios about him, but I've never been completely satisfied with any of the screen portrayals of him. I enjoyed Angus Macfadyen in Tim Robbins' "Cradle Will Rock" and Vincent D'Onofrio's performance in Tim Burton's, "Ed Wood." But to me, everyone that has ever played him is way too old. I think Liev Schreiber was the youngest to play him, and was very good in, "RKO 281: The Battle Over Citizen Kane."

In my film he's 22 years old!

Misha, who runs box office, publicity, sweeps and looks like Bailey from "WKRP in Cincinnati," tells me I should make my own movie about what I've told them.

I told them about a script I wrote a while back, where all the actors, who are portraying actual actors, are the correct ages. The 1st page of the script says:

...before "Jackass"

...before "Punk'd"

...before "Blair Witch"

...before "Howard Stern"

There Was...

It seems weird now just reading that, but I wanted to show a way to bridge the fact that Welles, John Houseman, Martin Gabel, Ray Collins, Howard Koch, Bernard Herrmann, Everett Sloane, Virginia Welles, Alice Frost and Agnes Moorehead, were all young, artistic, dangerous, rebels, that were not afraid to bite the hand that feeds them, even during the Depression.

The hand that feeds them, is none other than the monolithic Columbia Broadcasting System.

The film I would like to make would be wild and dangerous and offensive and funny. The cast would largely be unknowns, but with a few names spread out. I would love to get Jack White of The White Stripes and The Racontuers to compose music and possibly even play Bernard Herrmann. Possibly all in silhouette. Jack White, on the Charlie Rose show said, "There deserves to be statues of Orson Welles built."

My film would only cover a few brief moments in CBS radio history and how the world was changed.

It's all so inspiring...

I love romantic movies where omnipotent radio conglomerates get fucked in the ass by those they don't appreciate.

I haven't shown this to anybody, but here is a preview of a trailer I made a long time ago to help find studio interest in my project. I've dusted it off and present it to you first!

I hope you have the latest version of QuickTime, because this is in MP4!!!

"Mercury and Mars" trailer in mp4

I had a dream last night that there was a very shy girl that reads this page and follows my misadventures wondering how she will ever find a way into my life.

It was a very good dream!

She had eyes just like the girl to the right! See?

It was as though we were soul-mates and she needed to get the courage to contact me, but was afraid to speak up. She was afraid that I would reject her.

I'm so use to rejection, it doesn't even bother me anymore. I welcome it!

I met a girl once that had contacted me through e-mail and thought she was great. I take it, that the feeling wasn't mutual, or something, cause I never heard from her again. I was truly bummed, but it has happened to me like that since the 2nd grade.

I try to hold my head up and move on.

It really bummed me out because I love latinoamericano ladies, or whatever she was/is... I'm so bad at guessing ethnicity and never focus on it. These girls are so sweet to me, they flirt, they tell me all sorts of dirty things, then they have nuthin to do with me.

One time, when I lived in Texas, I was seduced by a Mexican girl who found out I was going through my Frida Kahlo phase and offered to show me her old home outside of Mexico City. We got there and she hooked up with a cousin of hers and left me. I had to try and make my way back all alone. I had no car! I got a lift in a truck that took me to Ignacio de la Llave because no one spoke English. I was terrified!

Well, If she is in a better place, I take it that she is happy and so it's good one of us is...

My car is still running funny after all the money I've paid to have it be like this. Several times I've almost bought another car, but I love this car so much!

I have been looking for a new car. I have been test driving as well. I wanted have something a bit bigger so I could hold things if I need to instead of borrowing a truck from a friend, so I went to look at the Honda Element, but fell in love with the Fit.

Even if I got another car, I would keep this one.

Well, I should have moved into my new place, but I don't have any keys and I can't find the manger. What if it was all a scam and he wasn't even the manager that I wrote the checks out to?

Steve, Aaron and I ate at Coral Cafe last night. Boy the time to get there is before the cute girls have to end their shifts so they can go home and do their homework! It was like Laguna Beach Burbank style!

They know what they're doing at the Cafe by hiring hot young stupid girls!

I do eat out a lot, but I like being with people without having to talk with them. I can cook pretty good too. It's better to cook for more than one person though. I will eat more in my new place. Maybe I could cook for that someone special I have yet to meet? But, you know, after I meet them. Why cook for them till I meet them, right?

I very much would like to meet that one that is special, but a lot of women in this country seem to want to find fault with you and pick at it, or ignore you all together if they find they can't change you, or even change you and then leave anyway. Can't win sometimes.

American women want unreal expectations, They want you to have no body hair, yet a full head of hair, a job, a car and they don't want you living with your mom! Come on!

Seeing the old lady get hit by the car the other day was tramatic for me, but I hear she is okay and will soon be even more wealthy after her lawsuit. I'm sure.

Maybe I could be her friend?

Maybe I should just be friends with girls and not try to hump them all the time. Gay guys got that friend thing down! Chicks seem to dig the whole friend thing.

I would just tell that girl from my dream; I don't know if you'd find me really attractive or that I might be somebody that you can feel really close to... because it doesn't happen with just anyone... you know what I mean don't you?

That feeling of closeness that allows you to let go and really be with someone... I'm not sure we could have that... But we might have fun finding out and the very least we might be friends... But it is nice isn't it?

I mean when that does happen and you find yourself having all those feelings... inside. You know how that feels don't you? I mean when was the last time you felt that way? Really intense... inside... and down below… and as you think about it have you noticed you can get some of those feelings back now!

But you know if I find you really attractive but I probably don't want you to sleep with me... I'm not even going to ask you... because its your decision... and any way I'm not sure you can make me want you... but its nice to think about it isn't it?

And I'm sure you'll find what you really want... eventually but until then we can have some kind of closeness… because I don't want to sleep with anyone who doesn't really want to sleep with me... 100%. But we can be friends can't we?

Even if she needs to wear a bag over her head.

But the great thing I've discovered about life, is that no matter what you look like there is some porn site that caters to people that like to spank it to people that look like you. Sweet isn't it?

I, however am not one to judge a book by its cover, or its weight, unless the shipping costs are huge. There are times in certain light that I feel that I look rather sexy, the lighting has to be just right, maybe almost pitch black. Sometimes I have to wear a bag on my head to get the full effect. I get e-mails every so often from very attractive ladies telling me how sexy I look in my photos.

And only a few of those e-mails are Russian or Nigerian Internet dating scams.

Today was such a fantastic day!

Other than the heat, which anyone that knows me knows I can't stand it when it's over 65 degrees. In fact, I hate it when the temperature reaches the point where I begin to perspire. This is going to suck, because I just signed up to a workout group that meets every morning at Johnny Carson Park to sweat off all the fat and build lean, throbbing, pulsating and washboard like muscles. I suppose, I only want the washboard like muscles on my abdomen, because they would look pretty stupid anywhere else.

Just not a big fan of sweating. I was only in my car for maybe half an hour, but when I got out my crotch was soaking wet. How am I supposed to prevent that from happening? Spray deodorant on my sack? Is that even safe? Isn't it pretty well confirmed that deodorant causes Alzheimer's? I would hate it if my penis forgot where it's been.

In my constant quest to discover new places to eat, stopped by an unfamiliar diner not far from my new home, turn off the car, spent a good 5 minutes unfolding the windshield heat deflector, positioned it behind my visers to keep the car's interior temperature in the low kelvins, got out and walked the 20 ft. to the diners door, which by the way is my quota for walking in L.A. for the day, and discovered that the diner was closed and had gone of business.

So went to the place that I've eaten at every day since a friend first took me there, Sharky's. I got my food and sat down to read a book about the early days of method acting in New York.

A very attractive girl walked over to me, well actually I was sitting next to the trash can, so as she was throwing her trash away, she said, "I just want to tell you, that I think Method acting is bullshit."

Then she walked away.

I didn't know what to say and if I did I would be saying to myself because she was gone.

A very nice Latino girl that works there was cleaning the table next to me. I ask her, "What's her story?"

"Oh, that bitch so crazy."

Later, I spent some quality time reading nice letters people sent wishing me a happy birthday. Then Aaron surprised me with a gift. He bought me the new CD by The Raconteurs!

I have been obsessed with them since I first heard them on the BBC doing live tracks and alternate versions of their soon-to-be hits. The are very funny, too!

Listen to these 2 mp3s before the record industry has them removed.

BBC 1

BBC 2

I hope you enjoy these while you can and don't forget to click the picture of the band to take you to their cool web site!