Here is my first installment as a reporter for GreenCine if you choose to look at it.

Jerry Live from MethodFest!

It's kind of a big file, but not if you have a T1 or something. By the way, GreenCine was a popular topic when people knew what I was doing. Everyone loves it!

Let me know what you think.

It was the 8th annual The Method Fest film festival at the historic Leonis Adobe. I had never been there before and from the looks of people walking around, many hadn't been there either. The lighting was amazing, old farm equipment, old buildings, people dressed in period costumes and the aroma of livestock. If I'm not mistaken, it was the smell of goats.

I heard a few people complain, however the earthy smell of animal waste and fertilizer reminds me of Fresno and the farm I lived on in my childhood in the Midwest. I find the aroma of fertilizer to be a perfect place to grow new film festivals and filmmakers.

The frontier-like atmosphere with patrons in long dresses, men with long coats and cowboy hats frightened me in some ways. I always get all little nervous if I'm trapped in a room with a bunch of Cowboys. It looked like a "Brokeback Mountain" theme-park last night as the Filmmaker Reception went off smoothly.

Calabasas Mayor Dennis Washburn, has a rugged cowboy actor demeanor and appearance. He was on hand to press the flesh and smile for the cameras. I'm not sure what Calabasas is famous for, but three people told me that a lot of porn videos are shot there. Evidence of that mingled through the crowd as much plastic surgery had taken place on the bodies of some of the guests.

It was probably the nicest non-stuck-up Film Festival reception party I have ever been to, and it makes me look forward to the remaining nights and a chance to see again the friends I've made.

There were a few funny moments, like when three producers of one film began hitting on the very cute publicist of another film and the filmmaker of that film and the one who had hired her, walked over to rescue her.

While interviewing the director of one movie, I asked him if he had any trouble dealing with the method acting lead in his film? He and his producers went on a tirade telling me stories of how unprofessional the star was, who it turned out is the director himself under a different name and identity.

Sitting at a picnic table later, eating the delicious Mexican food they had on hand, I noticed a beautiful woman on a cellphone unable to find her way out of the party. She walked over to me and asked if I could help her. She was sweet, well-dressed and completely drunk. As I walked her, hand in hand to the gate so she could exit and meet her party that was waiting for her at a bar, she asked me if I was a filmmaker? I told her, no and ask her what she did? She told me she was an actress and said that it was, too bad that I wasn't a filmmaker.

I watched her walk through the parking lot teetering and I wondered what she meant.

I hate it when I think a lyric to a song says one thing and that's they way I sing it, then I learn I'm a complete idiot!

Yet, I can't get the Wrong lyric out of my head!

I'm a Dead Cab for Cutie fan! Seriously...

You should see the posters I have on the walls and pictures in my locker!

So I've had, "Soul Meets Body" in my head for a while. I even got a very slow lap dance to that song at a local strip club! Anyway, I thought they might be huge Battlestar Galactica fans because of the line:

"If the Cylon takes you, I hope it takes me too"

That's the way I heard it and that's the way I learned it! It's stuck! But what it says is:

I do believe it's true
That there are holes left in both of our shoes
If the silence takes you
Then I hope it takes me too
So brown eyes I hold you near
Cause you're the only song I want to hear
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere

That completely changes the images in my head when I had my lap dance and I think I need another one!

Why is it, we are still aroused by a beautiful nude body?

I mean, if you've seen one breast you've seen them both.

I used to have a friend that loved chocolate chip cookies and she was a rather large for doing so, but one day she got a job baking them and after about a year she lost so much weight because she couldn't stand cookies anymore.

Why isn't that the same with people addicted to porn? Doesn't anyone ever get tired of the flesh?

Have you ever been sexually attracted to someone and then the big night comes when they undress in front of you and you realize that you were just attracted to the clothes they wore? There is a lot to be said about the wrapping.

It's a very funny, the science of misdirection in clothing. Some fashion experts have made it clear that if you want to appear thinner you can wear black. Just peek into the closet of your lover and if there is a lot of black clothing chances are they're a tubber and you are a chubby chaser.

I too, have lots of black clothing, but I rather think it's because I am into the Goth scene.

Thanks to porn videos, men have discovered, to make their penises look bigger all they need to do is trim the pubic hair. However, as pre-teen girls have learned when they begin shaving their legs, the hair grows back thicker. Therefore, I now have to use a Weed-Wacker and garden shears on my manly love hedge.

Currently, a very popular beauty procedure here in Hollywood is having anal bleaching done to the area sometimes known as, "the brown spider."

I'm all for this! A year or so ago, I bent over to pick up a Q-Tip that I dropped and from between my legs I caught a rear view of myself in the full length mirror behind me. I was traumatized!

I became obsessed with that area of my body. I shaved it. Groomed it. Powdered it. Applied lotions. Even tried stain remover for the carpet, but nothing helped.

It was also silly! No one I know even goes down there, but the Boy Scout in me just wanted to be prepared.

To this day, that area is still clean enough to eat off of, you might even see your reflection, but what's the point?

Emptiness is loneliness, and loneliness is cleanliness
And cleanliness is godliness, and god is empty just like me
Intoxicated with the madness, i'm in love with my sadness

Zero by The Smashing Pumpkins

Boy, it has been raining all day!

I had to drive out to Santa Monica for meeting. I would say out of the 1 hour and 15 minute drive, 70 minutes of that involved hydroplaning. It seems that most of the flooding happens around an intersection where my light is red and my little Honda's exhaust pipe is 3 ft. under water.

I had my trusty black, slightly Goth umbrella and I walked up and down the Third Street Promenade. The wind was strong, but my umbrella never turned inside out. That is a big fear of mine, because nothing is more dorky than a fool with an umbrella turned inside out in the driving rain. It's like a grown man chasing a hat that the wind is blowing away.

I stopped off at Barney's Beanery to get a much needed tall iced tea and a side of cheeseburger. I believe I was the only customer in that entire place because the rain had a kept the delicate people away.

I can't be the only one that has noticed the proliferation of regular brewed iced tea being replaced by a fruity passion flavored iced tea. I can drink it, but I don't like it. I like it when a waitress and gives you a choice, "Would you like regular or passion ice tea?"

I'll take the passionless ice tea!

My waitress today was so cute, she looks just like Natalie Portman. If Natalie Portman had a slight case of Down Syndrome. I know that may sound harsh, but this chick was still doable! And I believe it would make her try harder to please.

I got her laughing really good. When I paid the check, I did it with all $1 bills. She said that was a lot of $1 bills, so I told her I couldn't help it, because I'm an exotic dancer.

She laughed way too hard. Then I felt kind of bad, like why couldn't I be an exotic dancer if I applied myself?

Look! I'm famous again!

This is just so exciting to be on iFilm again!

I know there are many videos for you to see and if you haven't seen mine before, please check them out. I swear more videos are on their way!

After seeing mine, don't forget to vote and leave good numbers this time! Also, leave sweet comments too! And don't forget to see the girl getting "Spanked" and the skateboard kids getting hit in the nuts!

I would write more, but I'm so tired from the flight to and from Thailand... I'd show you pictures of my baby, but don't have any as far as I know, so here's some pictures of a friend of mine's baby!

Took at quick trip to Thailand today!

Man, was the flight long!

Had some Thai food and then got back on the plane and came home!

I realized I could have Thai food at home in Los Angeles just as easily.

I love the Thai-Chicken Pizza at CPK!

Oh well. Live and learn...

Oh, I can't get through to what it is I need to feel, or think.

I've been trying so hard to reach you, cause I don't know what to do with myself other than think.

I can't believe it's true, but I see it when I stare at myself in the mirror above the bathroom sink. I'm so scared about my future and I wanna talk to you. Have you hold me. Have you care. Have you with me. Everywhere. I wanna talk to you. And not be afraid.

You can take a picture of something you see. Where you are. Where you've been. I'm sure it won't include me. The loud parties. The raves. The nights on the pier. The shore. The waves.

In the future where will I be? You'll be someone else. I'll still be me.

You could climb a ladder up to the sun. Melt the wax and burn your wings. Find mix tapes of songs we'd sing. Write a song nobody has sung. Watch our videos before things went wrong. Or you do something that's never been done.

Are you lost or incomplete? Are you happy while I'm ill at ease? Are you the cure or part of the disease? Do you feel like a puzzle and you can't find your missing piece? You fucking disapoint me. When will all this pain cease?

Tell me how do you feel? Am I talking to you in a language you don't speak? We don't know where we're going, and you feel like you're going where you've been before.

You're bored, but you feel ignored. Any beauty shall fade. Messages aren't returned from the calls you made. Maybe we're better off this way...

I should get my videocamera! I've been noticing a lot of little things lately.

Like the way I sleep. I sleep on my left side, all curled up. I take a bit of the top edge of the blanket and scrunch it up into a roll and hold it with a clenched fist. I put some of the blanket and sheet between my legs, because for some reason I can't stand my upper inner thighs touching each other.

I have to make sure that my bare feet don't stick out from under the blankets. I'm a 29 year old man who still thinks a vampire is going to bite my toes if they stick out.

I've got this routine down after all these years. After a hot shower, I trim my nails while they are soft from the steam. I do my fingers first and then the toes. I trim them by putting the toilet seat down and putting my hands or feet over the bowl. I do this so that the trimmings are easily flushed away with no messy cleanup.

Someone needs to invent a thing not unlike a grass catching attachment on a lawn mower, that catches those nail clippings that shoot off at unpredictable angles at the velocity of a armor piercing bullet.

Nothing feels fresher than having trimmed fingernails and toenails. Nothing snags as my socks slide easily over my feet. Socks are the first thing I put on my nude powdered body.

Then my briefs are pulled up slowly and suggestively until the journey ends with a pelvic thrusts that flips my junk up and over the elastic band into the soft pouched of the underwear. At which point I shout, "Slam Dunk!"

Then I take my Arm and Hammer deodorant that smells baking soda fresh, and spend the next 5 to 10 minutes applying numerous coats to my underarms.

A t-shirt is next. I like to grab it by the shoulders and give it an Indiana Jones bullwhip flip and snap to shock and terrify any wrinkles that think that they're there to stay.

Sometimes however a slight miscalculation can land the bullwhip snap right on my manberries. That can ruin the day! When and if that happens, I usually just crawl right back into bed and sleep it off for a few hours.

Then I take a my jeans, that have been hanging overnight on the back of a chair to prevent wrinkles, and I hold them up to inspect possible fraying of the threads or maybe stains from sitting in something the day before, but I also sniff the crotch and butt area to see if I can get an extra days wear out of them. Sometimes depending on the weather or what I've eaten, I can go up to 3 or 4 weeks without smelling anything too bad.

I take my boots, give them a good sniff, and shake any possible spiders or scorpions out of them before slipping my feet into them.

I may take a few minutes to load my pockets up with quarters for the meter, cinnamon mints for my fresh breath, 3 or 4 various flavors of chapstick, my keys, some wet naps in case I eat some barbecue, a penlight flashlight, a lighter, my wallet, my lucky marble, a phone number of a girl that I met in a record store and I'm afraid of throwing away even though it's 3 years old and the ink has faded and the paper is torn. I rub the soft crinkled and crumpled paper with my hand in my pocket like Lenny rubbing the fur of a dead mouse in, "Of Mice and Men."

I pour over the dozens of designer sunglasses I have collected and choose one, the same one I wear every day, yet I still have to look at all my sunglasses before picking the one I've fallen into a rut with.

I'm about to head out and start a fantastic day... After turning the radio off only on a positive word and touching the door knob 3 times and locking it twice, I am free and clear and ready to accept all success and wealth and fame that flows to me in avalanches of abundance.

How am I ever going to be able to afford a house?

There was an open house across from the place a friend of mine owns. I walked over to check it out. Sometimes it's fun to stop and look at a house for sale. It was a pretty small house. Maybe 2 bedrooms. The backyard is completely taken up by a swimming pool. How much?

$600,000!

My friend's house has doubled since he bought it and that was probably 5 years ago, maybe less.

It's ridiculous, the price of real-estate here in Los Angeles.

I'm considering a job offer in Santa Monica, but I think $2,100 a month is a bit much to pay for an apartment that the ad says is one-bedroom, washer and dryer on the premises, and some street parking!

It's going to suck, driving all the way to Santa Monica from where affordable housing is available, because that distance is over a thousand miles!

Talked with an actress/singer friend of mine who is in a punk band and she told me she lives in the van she bought for the band to work and tour in. She showers at her gym. For electricity, she told me she found a Korean convenience store that has electrical outlets outside the building that she plugs extension cords into after the store closes, stealing their power.

Could I really live like that?

Sure I could save up money, but with real estate prices climbing, would I ever be able to afford a house? Well, you know, a house I'd like?

Seriously, How weird is it going to be when I pick up some supermodel at a party and take her back to my van/camper? Well, that's not going to happen!

The supermodel part of it anyway...

I'm no David Blaine.

But there is a little trick I learned when I was a kid, that really messes with people's heads. I get them to write down a number and concentrate on it. Then without looking I'm able to tell them that number.

Today I was talking with a very sweet woman from Guatemala. She was telling me about when she was a little girl there was a woman in her neighborhood who ripped people off by telling them she had psychic abilities. I guess this woman had "grifted" the wrong person, when she read the cards of the wife of a mob hitman. Needless to say, she didn't predict her own death.

Since then, the woman I was talking to has no believe in any kind of spirituality. She doesn't believe in God, or the Devil. So as a gag, because I'm like that, I told her I could read her mind and I had her write down the numbers. I told her what they were, and she flipped out!

30 minutes later I was walking to my car and she ran after me. She almost had tears in her eyes and wanted me to tell her how her future was going to be. I told our it was just a trick, but she didn't believe me and thought I was putting her off. She reached into her purse and I thought she was going to write something down. She opened up a wallet to see how much money she could spare and offered it to me.

I remember a salesman friend of mine along time ago telling me the best clients for salespeople were other salespeople. Even though the salespeople knew all the tricks of overcoming obstacles and the latest technologies to convincing people that they needed this or that item, they were still suckers for the pitch.

I guess it's the same way with people who say they don't believe in anything. They are so ready and willing to be proven wrong. They want to believe in something, even if it's the wrong thing.

If you would like me to advise you on your future events, please click the make a donation button on the left and deposits $10 and remember, this is for entertainment purposes only!

It sucks to fall in love with a Lesbian!

Well, unless you are a Lesbian...

I've been in love with many Lesbians. Some hadn't come out yet to their families and a few hadn't come out to themselves. There was a time when my entire circle of friends consisted of Dykes. I was the "beard" many of them needed at work parties or family holiday dinners.

I'm such a lesbo myself... I just know it! I've discovered my favorite TV show is no longer "Battlestar Galactica" but instead, "The L Word."

Gawdamn, that's a good show!

I've fallen hard for a couple of actresses that play lezzies, but I'm not sure if it's real. They may just be acting. One actress is so talented and has a great look and that's Alison Folland.

That's her in the picture. Folland is unforgettable if you see her perform. Alison, it is said, never acted in a play or movie until as a joke she went to an audition for the movie "To Die For" with some friends. Thinking she wouldn't get the part, she took a vacation in the Bahamas and the casting directors had trouble reaching her. Her demand went up and in the end she landed the part that started her career.

I just saw her in, "All Over Me," and "Boys Don't Cry."

She's just awesome and I fantasize about screenplays I'd write for her.

That's what I need! More LA Lesbian friends! There's something so great being friends with a female without all the sexual tension. Having a meaningful relationship with a woman on a level uncorrupted by sex.

I remember a Lesbian friend I had that I met when she worked at an equestrian center. One night after she had a bad date with a girl she was trying to break, she came to my house and we watched, "Eraserhead" and smoked pot until morning. Then she showered and tried on my favorite jeans so she could go to work.

A few days later she dropped off my pants unwashed and that night I was laying in bed and the jeans were on the floor next to me. I pulled them over and could smell her and the horses she rode that day. I held the pants close to my face and smelled them while I masturbated to the thoughts of my pants, tight against her, no panties, wet pussy rubbing on my denim and the bareback of horses and leather saddles, sweating...

Okay, there was sexual tension!

But I love horses!

Well, there were many e-mails about "Who was the nude on Yesterday's post?" and several people said, Sherilyn Finn, some said Kylie Minogue... But they were WRONG!

This e-mail from an old friend was the Winner! And What? You may ask, Did she win? I dunno...

Subject: Deborah Harry!
To: Jerry Lentz

By the way, take a hint from Blondie and "Call me"... you never write,
you never call, you never respond to your freaking emails.

But I love you still,

Kelli :)

This is just one in a series of completely nude photos I have of a singer who also is an actress and one of my favorite icons! I've met her twice and once, while hitchhiking she was picked up by Ted Bundy the serial killer and narrowly escaped!

If you are the first person to guess who this is, I'll mention your name in tomorrow's post!

I've been listening to a lot of XM Satellite's music channels. I'm addicted to these 3; FRED, LUCY, and XMU.

Having an iPod is great and fun, but nothing beats a friend playing you new music that they love and want to share with you. You get that feeling listening to these channels. I have yet to hear a deejay or a commercial on any of these, but on their website you get to meet the people behind the playlists.

Last night I was reading and a song came on I believe is one of two songs that saved my life!

Sometimes you can be down in the dumps and sometimes it feels like the ground has fallen away and there is no hope. I have to admit sadly, that one time I tried to take my life. I'm not proud of it. I'm embarrassed about it. I never used to talk about it.

Sometimes you can go a whole day without thinking about it, then maybe you're with a girl and having a great time and she's holding your hand and asks about the scar and how you got it?

And you're right back in that black void, feet dangling as the ground shatters and falls away...

There's music from those times that pull you out hopefully and when you hear them again it's like a helping hand or a friend holding a ladder for you.

The songs themselves may have nothing to do with your story. Later, you can read the lyrics and go, that's not at all what I thought it was about, but still something about them distracted you from yourself long enough for you to get a foothold on the sheer face of your life.

This is one of the two songs that saved my life.

Disintegration by The Cure

oh i miss the kiss of treachery the shameless
kiss of vanity the soft and the black and the
velvety up tight against the side of me and
mouth and eyes and heart all bleed and run in
thickening streams of greed as bit by bit it
starts the need to just let go my party piece

oh i miss the kiss of treachery the aching kiss
before i feed the stench of a love for a younger
meat and the sound that it makes when it cuts
in deep the holding up on bended knees the
addiction of duplicities as bit by bit it starts
the need to just let go my party piece

but i never said i would stay to the end so i
leave you with babies and hoping for frequency
screaming like this in the hope of the secrecy
screaming me over and over and over i leave
you with photographs pictures of trickery
stains on the carpet and stains on the scenery
songs about happiness murmured in dreams
when we both us knew how the ending would
be...

so it's all come back round to breaking apart
again breking apart like i'm made up of glass
again making it up behind my back again
holding my breath for the fear of sleep again
holding it up behind my head again cut in deep
to the heart of the bone again round and round
and round and it's coming apart again over and
over and over

now that i know that i'm breaking to pieces i'll
pull out my heart and i'll feed it to anyone
crying for sympathy crocodile cry for the love
of the crowd and the three cheers from
everyone dropping through sky through the
glass of the roof through the roof of your mouth
through the mouth of your eye through the eye
of the needle it's easier for me to get closer to
heaven than ever feel whole again

i never said i would stay to the end i knew i
would leave you with babies and everything
screaming like this in the hole of sincerity
screaming me over and over and over i leave
you with photographs pictues of trickery
stains on the carpet and stains on the memory
songs about
happiness murmured in dreams when we both
of us knew how the end always is...

how the end always is

Steve was telling me just recently how he hates the Burger King commercials because he finds them very creepy!

I understand, because I find Thomas-the-train-kids-thing-show creepy as well. It's like when the Green Goblins face doesn't move when it's talking. That just bothers me!

As you can see, Patton and Brian also find the Burger King creepy!

I got Aaron and Steve to watch the "Comedians of Comedy" film and it was fun laughing together. If you haven't seen it, you'd better go find it!

Watching it with my friends reminded me of when I was a kid and discovered the Red Fox comedy albums hidden in a secret stash that was either my dad's or my older brother's record collection.

In the basement with my best friends listening to Richard Pryor, Rudy Ray Moore, Rodney Dangerfield and Cheech and Chong on albums giggling in the dark.

Comedy used to be so important to me as a kid. I couldn't wait till Monday to talk about what happened on Saturday Night Live with my friends at recess or between classes. I used to sneak into comedy clubs and tried to imagine what lifestyle that would be like to live.

I remember seeing a guy whose name I don't remember, but he was really edgy and funny. The crowd didn't seem to like him, but I completely dug him and his ideas. I was living on my own in an apartment that had no washer and dryer and I had carried my dirty clothes in a hefty trash bag to the local laundromat. While my clothes were doing their thing and I was reading, in walked the comedian to do his clothes. I told him I had seen him the night before and thought he was great. I began asking them how it was, the life of a comedian on the road.

He said, "My brother is a manager at a McDonald's where I used to work. I never want to work there again. We make about the same amount, but he has to get up at 3:30 in the morning and that's when I'm going to bed. He works hard, but he also has health insurance and I don't"

In Los Angeles I used to hang around several stand-up comedians. I've even dated a couple. When they are altogether or on stage it was a blast, but in private intimate moments it could get very depressing.

I need to start going back to the club's! Some of my best, favorite experiences was hanging out after a friend's gig drinking with the waiters and waitresses as the club closed.

I feel like I'm in the Twilight Zone.

There are only a few people I know, that don't have a film that they've made competing in a film festival right now. In a couple of instances these filmmakers have worked for me in the past. I recently got an e-mail from a friend saying for me to check out the film made by a former intern of mine.

I did look it up and sent a nice congratulatory letter to them, but received a reply basically saying, "Hey, where's all the films you were going to be making back when I knew you? What are you doing now?"

Another friend was trying to console me after it told him about the letter and how it hurt me. He said he thought it was encouraging, are rather they're trying to be encouraging. I feel it was condescending, but maybe I'm projecting my own feeling is onto it.

I may not be making the films I want to be making right now, but at least I can be reporting on them like I used to do for IFC when I covered the Sundance Film Festival. It looks like I will be covering the Methodfest Film Festival for Green Cine! I am so excited about this! I feel the Green Cine Daily has the best film coverage on the Web. To be working with them is a cool feather in my cap!

As you can probably tell, if you haven't seen my work before, my journalistic style is a loose and free form, but because of that, my subjects are off guard and sometimes unaware of the secrets they reveal. The reports will be in text and on camera. So I will link to them and you can see the fun I'll be having.

Happy St. Patrick's Day to all of you, even you Irish bastards!

I was taking a meeting in Los Angeles, but wished I was taking a nap instead, when I heard a female voice behind me asking where my Green was? I thought I was about to be robbed.

Realized I wasn't wearing green, but said to her, "My thong is green!"

It was like there was a disturbance in the force and throughout the building or a dozen voices screaming in unison, "EWWW!"

I didn't wanna do business there anyway and left to go to Amoeba Music to chill.

While sifting through used CDs of punk music I was going to buy, I ran into an old friend from my early porn days. I wouldn't say she was a porn star, even though she did have sex with multiple partners, machines and possibly animals on screen in numerous films, I would say she was really a porno co-star.

She still looks beautiful, young, fresh and in great shape! She told me she had gotten her realtors license and was fixing up some properties, but that she had also been doing some fetish videos for the Japanese market.

I ask her about that, she said it's her alone with the webcam putting on a various little boy's clothes. Athletic socks, underwear, Little League jerseys and baseball caps. She takes credit card numbers, there's no middle man and no sex with strangers.

She used to be blonde, but is now a red head thanks to a stylist we both know who is now doing very well for herself. The tight T-shirt she was wearing was advertising the salon. When she touched her boobs she said they were sore from breast-feeding.

Holding a stack of CDs that she said she needs to sooth her mind as she reads all the contracts that her real estate work requires, she asked me if I had been listening to anything interesting?

I told her to check out a band called, The Dollyrots that my friend Steve enjoys and another band that I totally dig that are friends of mine called, Baxter House.

After walking around to show her these CDs, I was curious to know about her baby so I asked, "So, things have really changed, you have a baby now?"

She looked at me shocked and bemused, "I don't have kids!"

"But you just said a minute ago, that your boobs were sore because you were breast-feeding?"

"Oh well, yea, but not a kid..."

One of the greatest things about having this page is that I can share with you my innermost thoughts and fears.

That may be something many do not want to take time to peruse, but I feel you're smarter, more understanding and maybe have some empathy with my own daily experience. I feel safer talking to you this way. My facial expressions might possibly betray my true emotions if you were sitting across from me in person at a cafe.

There have been many times when I felt extreme happiness and yet someone would ask me if I were sad or upset. I haven't cried in some time, but I distinctly remember times when the tears and the whimpering burst through and if I were standing outside of myself, I might think I was laughing hysterically.

Body language is something I've always been suspect of; If I'm sitting with my arms crossed, it could just be that I'm cold and not keeping you at bay.

Once I spilled some ice tea in my lap and almost everyone thought I had wet myself. Just because it looks that way doesn't mean I actually did it.

When you try to kiss me on the lips and I turn to offer you my cheek, I might not be rejecting you, it could mean I just had some garlic.

When you reach for my hand to hold and I immediately pull away to wipe my palms, I might not be just fearing your germs, it could be that my palms are sweaty because in the presence of your beauty, I am nervous.

When I pull out just before I shoot, to spooge onto your abdomen, it might not be that I'm afraid of impregnating you, it could just be that I enjoy seeing the money shot.

I thought I would share with you some of my recent DVD rentals, not to impress you, but to impress upon you how brilliant my cinema choices are!

"The Directors Series: Terry Gilliam," This series discusses works of individual filmmakers and is pretty good, but I learned nothing new about Terry Gilliam. However, if you've never read anything about him, seen any of his movies, watched any Monty Python then it would be worthwhile.

"The 10th Victim" (1965) This is just wacky sci-fi fun! With one of the most annoying soundtracks I've ever heard.

"Tigrero: A Film That Was Never Made" Sam Fuller goes back to a location of a film never completed.

"Mau Mau Sex Sex" I really enjoyed this documentary about the early days and creation of the exploitation film.

"The Brown Bunny" I know people hated it, and hate him, but I can't get of Vincent Gallo or this film out of my mind.

"Strange Illusion" (1945) It was strange indeed. Edgar G. Ulmer was a very interesting man.

"How to Draw A Bunny" It can be tough being an artist. Even deadly!

"Le Samourai" (1967) Saw it as a kid and it brought back so many memories.

"The Short Films of David Lynch" Not sure what I enjoyed more, the short films, which I'd seen before or David Lynch's introductions.

"The Spaghetti West" I really enjoyed this IFC documentary about the Italian Westerns.

"Crash" Do you seriously think this deserves to be the best picture of the year?

The Lon Chaney Collection: "The Unknown," 1927 The man was amazing!

Okay. So maybe not all of them are great choices, but sometimes I think we should close our eyes and back into the Arts section of a video store and just randomly grab movies. Ignore what the critics say. Ignore what your friends say. Ignore what your mind says. Sometimes I think expectations can destroy our first impression of art.

If you in the Los Angeles area, the Silver Lake Film Festival is giving one of my heroes their Spirit of Silver Lake Filmmaker's award at 7:30 PM on March 26 at the Arclight Theatres, 6360 Sunset, between Vine and Ivar. I'm so excited that the work of Rob Nilsson is being recognized in Hollywood, Or at least Silver Lake.

Rob has been a longtime role model for me, not just as a filmmaker, but as an Artist who is as uncomprimising in his life as he is in his art.

Don't you hate it when your friends become successful?

Nothing a sucks more than when you hear from friends telling you about how wonderful their life is. I don't think it's because my life is so bad, or that I'm envious, or jealous, I just feel embarrassed for them.

When my life is going great, and believe me there have been a few moments, fleeting as they were, where my life was pretty good, I don't think I shouted from the rooftops about how swell everything was.

I would be embarrassed to do that!

But it is funny, that I have no qualms about telling everyone how depressed or miserable I am.

It is true that misery loves company!

Ever notice when you are hanging around your group of miserable friends, just hanging out talking about how horrible everything is and you decide to go out and do something different, they find excuses for you not to go? It's like some freaky bird nest and they don't want you to fly.

There used to be this bar that I frequented, even though I don't drink, where there was about eight of us guys and two women who were regulars. We were all pretty miserable, but everyone was a very funny. There was one guy who was pretty fat. I mean, he was huge! And he was the funniest one of us all. His name is Ben.

Out of the blue he just disappeared. We just never saw him for a long stretch of time. There were rumors that he moved away. But nothing was substantiated.

One night he walked in and bought us all drinks. He looked completely different. He was groomed, better dressed and had lost about 300 lbs..

Margaret worked at Universal Studios as secretary to a very famous director and was a complete drunk. She used to hate Ben and call him names and make fat jokes about him, but when he lifted up his Abercrombie and Finch T-shirt so she could touch his tanned washboard abs, she fell to the floor.

Falling to the floor was nothing new to Margaret, as she did it often, but it was usually because she was completely drunk. This time however it was because she realized if she had been nicer to him all along she might have had a chance getting this new Adonis in bed.

He introduced us to his new girlfriend who was a workout trainer to several soap opera actresses. She was blonde and beautiful. She went to the car to bring in an mockup of the cover art to her new workout DVD that he was producing for her.

We asked him what brought on all this change and he told us that he had been cast in a comedy role in a U.S.C. student film that his little brother was working on. There was a scene where his character is sitting on a couch watching TV in an apartment. When he went to sit on the couch, it broke and one of the legs poked a hole in the floor.

Everyone on the set laughed at him and even though it was an accident it was used in the film.

He said that if it had been in the script, it probably wouldn't have bothered him and he would have done it, but because it was the way he really was, it hurt him. And it hurt him when everyone in his family got a copy of it.

As weeks and months went by we heard about how things were going with him. He and his girlfriend got married. They traveled the world. He produced a movie that he acted in. And they had twins.

He was somewhere else and we were still right here.

About a year ago, a girl was trying to give me a compliment, in it she said the thing she liked about me most was that I didn't give a shit what people thought about me.

I was taken aback, because it seems to me, all I do is care what people think about me. I wish that wasn't the case.

She seemed to think it was cool that in a crowd or mixed company I would say whatever was the first thing on my mind regardless of how shocking it might be.

Little does she realize the pain it causes me. I think I'm on the border of having Tourette's Syndrome.

All these years being behind a microphone and I still have heart palpitations because something inside me wants me to flip on the on-air switch and belt out a stream of expletives.

When I am whizzing into the toilet of a public restroom, I have to fight the urge to pull out a pen or take my keys and scratch some dirty words on the wall.

When I answer the phone and it's the telemarketer, sometimes I stretched the call out and keep them going until they give up, I wear them down.

I am so easily influenced by others opinions. Even the opinions of people I couldn't give two shits about.

I had gone out with an actress who had done a few fairly popular movies, but had begun expressing herself through painting. I went to a gallery showing of her work and really enjoyed what I was seeing. I wanted to help her out, so I had invited some friends to help make that showing a little more crowded.

When she wasn't standing next to me, my friends began snickering about what a poor artist she was. They made fun of her paintings.

Later in her apartment we drank wine and listened to music, but I was uneasy. I felt that I may have joined in and was making fun of her behind her back. I didn't want to think that I could be like that, so instead, I began in my mind finding fault with her talents.

Of course, all this was racing through my mind as she was trying to take my pants down. I was ashamed and embarrassed of my feelings, so I made excuses for reasons why I had to leave.

Over the next few weeks she had made numerous calls, but I never returned them.

I hated myself for this and other reasons.

Another time, at a radio station I worked on, we began playing a song by a local artist who came on my show to do an acoustic set. We had fun on the air. And when you host a show, sometimes you and the guest get a little silly and began flirting with each other on the air.

About a month later I ran into her and her bass player at a restaurant. They sat down with me, I was alone as usual and the three of us had a great conversation. The bass player said he had to leave, but if I could give her a ride home that would be great for him.

I wouldn't say we began dating, but for the next few weeks her voice was the last voice I would hear on the phone before going to sleep and the first voice I wanted to hear on the phone in the morning, but I had to get up at 3:00 a.m. every morning.

We saw a lot of each other.

It was kind of fun to be a morning radio personality and dating the singer of a band that we played! When we were out on the town or on the streets and people saw us holding hands, it was kind of a cool feeling.

There was a concert were about four bands were playing on one stage. It was an all ages show. About 10 that morning, she found out that her mother had died.

I still hadn't gotten over the death of my own mother and I guess I wasn't in a place where I wanted to feel sad. I believe I pretended to be busy and unavailable to her grief.

She still went on with the show, but was drunk. I was told she had been drinking all day and well into the night.

She's slurred her way through the songs. Forgot lyrics. Dropped the microphone several times. I couldn't watch anymore and I left the show.

At work, I heard that she later even fell off the stage.

People at work were laughing about it. People were laughing at her. Parents were complaining because she was performing at an all ages concert drunk, Then we stopped playing the band's song.

I remember laying on my futon holding a stick of incense and slowly burning holes with it, through pages of a love letter I had written to her earlier, but had never given.

It was raining outside and there were two streams of raindrops hitting the metal box of my air-conditioner that sounded like a broken heart.

Yesterday, at lunch I was talking to a woman older than me that worked where I was eating. I've only seen her maybe four times before, but as with many people, she felt comfortable enough with me to spill out her emotions.

She was telling me about being divorced in her late 20s and how she never dated anyone after, because she did not want to feel love.

Then she said, that one day she realized she was almost 50 and had no husband and no children to love her. She wanted to know who was going to love her, who was going to take care of her...

I got so sad listening to her. She apologized and walked back into the kitchen as I'd poked at the cold food with my fork.

I looked around the restaurant and everyone that was eating there was alone, just like me.

I guess I should be watching "Smallville!"

A friend sent this to me, a "female" friend! I'm telling you, nothing is cooler than when chicks send you hot pics of chicks! She was also kind enough to point out that if you look real close you can see her niblits!

I can't wait to see Bryan Singer's "Superman" movie. I guess right now that and the "X-Men 3" movie is what I'm really looking forward to seeing.

Oh, and this movie here:

If you love World of Warcraft, or know anyone that does... You should see this movie!

Or at least this trailer!

"Darkon"

How can the Winter Olympics get more exciting?

I'm sure you may have already seen this, but snowboarding is about to get a whole lot more exciting!

Hoth2014

I had an early breakfast at a cafe called Jinkys. I've been therefore, but this time I had a dish called the chili jumble, which was scrambled eggs, potatoes and chili all mixed up in a big pile. It was very good!

The great thing about this place, is that there is not one bad looking girl working there! The bad thing about the place, is that there is never any parking nearby. I had to park 4 blocks away, which was fine, but when I was leaving it began to pour down heavy rain. I was soaked!

I didn't have an umbrella, it was so cold I could see my own breath, my T-shirt was all wet, you could see right through it and my nipples were hard as erasers!

I made about $11 in tips before I got to the car!

This is an advertisement I found on myspace, this girl looks like she's ready to play "The Game."

Someone sent me an e-mail letting me know that Hollywood is in preproduction on Neil Strauss' "The Game." I can't confirm it, but the message said Spike Jonze was involved. The book has been a favorite read of mine recently and at first I couldn't see Spike actually directing it, maybe acting in it, but then I was thinking he would be perfect in both roles.

I was dining with a friend at a favorite Thai restaurant when I spotted Corbin Bernsen and and his mother, who was a fantastic actress on the soap opera "Young and the Restless" leaving. Corbin made eye contact with me and I said to him that we work together on a film. Actually I worked with him and his mother.

They stopped for a bit and he reminded her of the film and the fact that she played his wife in it! I said, "isn't that crazy that your mother played your wife in a movie?" They both laughed.

Also saw Jasmine Guy who you may remember from the "Cosby Show," but I remember from a film class that I had taken with her. She was the prettiest girl in the class.

Just moments before seeing Jasmine, I witnessed with a few other people a patio umbrella from blocks away being lifted hundreds of feet in the air by an updraft and saw it come crashing in like a flying saucer into customers' eating pizza! It was awesome!

It was kind of a sad day, my odometer on my car turned past 100,000 mi. and I miss seeing that by 17 mi., I had planned to video tape the event. Then, as I was driving at about 4:00 a.m. and I saw the needle on the speedometer dropped to 0, and that was odd, because I was going at least 45 m.p.h.. So I guess my cable snapped. Perfect timing.

It was cold, dark and gloomy throughout most of the day with snow coming down in Sunland! I have been sleeping and groggy all day.

I walked through a bookstore, you know the big corporate superstore type, there was someone reading children's books out loud to the kids and there were babies everywhere. Running. Screaming. Crawling. Crying. Plus, coughing out germs everywhere!

A guy I know who just had a kid, was saying that people tell him that babies don't really see, but he believes his baby sees everything! I had never heard that babies couldn't see.

I don't believe babies can see, per se, I believe they see more like the wolves see in the movie, "Wolfen" or like Arnold Schwarzenegger in "The Terminator" or like the aliens in "Predator."

They could also sense the colors of ones aura, or pick up heat and sense fear with the tip of their tongue.

Sometimes those squeals and clicks and silly noises and blood curdling shrieks if recorded and played backwards reveal complex thoughts and horrifying insights into a kaballistic and demonic other world.

Those that have never had children know that babies are not cute, it's a fact, it suggests that maybe newborn babies using unknowns frequencies and subliminal communications have altered the nature of personal reality to the parent or those nearby.

If you hear any parent bragging on their child be aware that person is not who they once were. They should not be punished, they should be pitied, or even hospitalized.

Many folk tales, mountain stories and legends suggest one remedy may be to surround the child in a circle of sticky rice to ward off its suggestive powers.

Please be safe!

There are those, crazy few who will try to tell you I am wrong, or I am jealous because I haven't found the perfect woman to knock up, but these comments are just examples of "breeders" under the suggestive powers of those small demonic beings.

Please be aware that you should not even look at any photographs of a child if its eyes are visible in the picture. Scientists now believe these ungodly creatures can manipulate us through photographs!

It is said, from just gazing at a picture of an infant, that the weak mind of a female can be manipulated into believing that she needs to have sex immediately, un protected sex!

If you happen to be a female and have seen the photographs of young offspring, or have seen babies themselves, or maybe you have a girlfriend or a younger sister who just gave birth to a snapper and feel these stirrings of sexual desire in your "lady-business" telling you, that you need a baby... you must seek help immediately!

Please feel free to contact me, I am an expert at removing any sexual desire a female might have!

This is GOOD people, but we must be diligent!

As you can see as of this posting my videos are in 2nd and 6th place in the most ranked videos on IFC! However, that isn't that many votes!

Rock the Vote, baby! Don't be a Red State or a Blue State, show your support and make a stand by voting for me, your Best Friend!


Very Important NEWS!

Subject: IFC Media Lab Film

Jerry Lentz thought you would like these films from the IFC Media Lab.

Spoonbending
Invisibility

Personal Message from Jerry:
Hey, I know this is a strange request and you may have seen this before, but I use to work for IFC and would like to be on it again, so pleased view this as many times as possible and give me as high a vote as you can!

Please pass this on to people that will vote and give me a very high rating! Your help is needed and you know I would do this for you.

Thanks!

IFC Media Lab
Exhibition without Inhibition
IFC Media Lab

Somedays I wake up and I feel like Alex from "A Clockwork Orange."

Not violent, just violent thoughts, the kind of thinking that causes you to wonder if people are reading your mind and trying to take away your choices.

My balls are in danger!

One of my favorite scenes in the great classic dinosaur extravaganza, Jurassic Park 2 was the 76 ball rolling down the street which I believe was Hollywood Way, which is not far from where I live. Ok, the rest of the movie sucked...

A friend who worked on the Kevin Costner flick, "The Postman" pointed out there is one that appears in that as well...

I know it seems silly, but if we don't make a stand, corporations will destroy all our favorite icons of design and nostalgia. We that live in Hollywood know too well how quick to bulldoze those in power are.

I got up early and went to have breakfast at a diner where I was the only person that was not in law enforcement. Never felt so safe. I had an L.A. Weekly to occupy my time in those long lonely minutes between refills of iced tea that the waitress ignored.

Every page of the paper was ads for cosmetic surgery. I began reading them. There are things doctors can do that I never heard of before, and I even watched Dr. 90210 on E!.

Brow Lifts, I didn't know that was needed. I had no idea of that the weight of eyebrows was heavy enough to make your forehead slide down over your eyes.

Skin Tags, they can remove those! I didn't even know what the hell they were!

There's an ad for Metro. I have a friend that just bought a monthly pass for 50 bucks. He tried using the bus, but he also rides his bike and if they're already two bikes on the rack, he's shit out of luck. It only holds 2. So he bailed on using the bus altogether and now he drives to the train station, gets his bike out of the back of his truck, takes the train part way and rides the bike rest of the way to work.

I think we should already in be living in a time of movable sidewalks.

Oh, and jetpacks!

The LACMA has an exhibition on designer, architect, and visionary Ettore Sottsass, who I believe may have designed my favorite portable typewriter from 1969.

But then maybe not, it could be a found object, art can be so confusing. I thought that the urinal was created by Marcel Duchamp for many years.

Reading the L.A. weekly makes me want to get out more and see things like classic porn star Veronica Hart appearing at Hustler Hollywood, Shy Love and Nyomi Marcella at Spearmint Rhino, Nina Hartley and Kitten Nativadad at The Pleasure Chest, X, Berlin, Craig Shoemaker, Blue Oyster Cult, Lisa Lampinelli at The Canyon, rock-and-roll bingo with Tom Morello from Audioslave at Cranes Hollywood Tavern, A Flock of Seagulls at The Viper Room, Dinosaur Jr. and Yeah Yeah Yeahs at The Troubadour, Mike Andrews and John Roecker at Amoeba Music, Black Rebel Motorcycle Club, The Arctic Monkeys and Stereolab at The Henry Fonda Theater, Korn, Mudvayne, Slayer, Lamb of God, and Thine Eyes Bleed at The Long Beach Arena, Richard Butler from The Psychedelic Furs, Thomas Dolby and Funeral for a Friend at Key Club, Hedwig and the Angry Inch live with Donovan Leitch, Matthew Sweet, Susanna Hoffs, Taproot at The Roxy Theater, Goldfrapp at The Wiltern, the film, Coachella at the Laemmle Sunset 5, The Heart is Deceitful Above All Things starring and directed by Asia Argento at the Nuart Theater, I could see the Super 8 movie, Lovedolls Superstar with music by Sonic Youth, Meat Puppets, Dead Kennedys, Black Flag, because it will be out on DVD, maybe I should also see Ultraviolet with Milla Jovovich, I could sign up to workout with that hot piece of ass Tina Castaldi and her fitness boot camp, I could stop off and get a colonic at the Total Health Connection, go by the Melrose Trading Post to see what junk I can't afford, I could go see the play, The Book of Liz by Amy and David Sedaris at the Blank Theatre, I could learn about how to make money with my voice with the award winning voice of Bart Simpson, Nancy Cartwright and just because the seminar takes place at the Church of Scientology Celebrity Center International, don't get the idea that they're just going to try to get me to take a personality test, cause if they do, I will dazzle them with my Operating Thetan 8 Mental Powers, I need to find more new places to go eat, so I could have the bottomless bowl of Ramen noodles at ShinSenGumi Hakata Ramen Restaurant, and while I'm slurping down the good stuff, I could be writing the most awe inspiring, nipple hardening, panty wetting, zipper ripping, bra busting and thought-provoking personal ad to be placed in the back of L.A. Weekly!

How's that for a sentence! A little walk through an entire issue! And I didn't even mention, that I think Nikki Finke Rocks!

That's a lot to do in 1 week, but there's never a reason to be bored in Loss Angeles, unless you're broke.

Fuck me, my fingers are black with ink!

I was so excited to get this in my e-mail box today!

Here Is A Special Bulletin From All Access.com

NEW YORK State Attorney General ELIOT SPITZER has announced a lawsuit against ENTERCOM COMMUNICATIONS, alleging that the company illegally traded "air time" for payments.
------------------------------------------------

I'm very excited about this because that means Clear Channel Communications is next!

There's so many cool things going on radio right now, unfortunately its behind-the-scenes, off the air, and in the courtrooms.

Satellite radio is having its troubles as well, people are very upset because a few of the channels are still playing commercials, and the selling point to satellite radio was that it was commercial free. But those channels that are commercial heavy are owned by, guess who? Clear Channel Communications!

It's so funny that the FCC had such a hard on to fine us broadcasters for what we said, but ignored the payola that our bosses had their dirty little hands in!

Yesterday was a crappy day for me!

One of my radio stations is going high definition, which is very exciting, but sadly it means people have to shell out big money for receiver that can pick up a hi-def signal.

Who can afford that when they've already bought their satellite receivers, their iPods, and they're being forced to pay fines because they were sued for illegally downloading music of the Internet?

Anyway, I was recording content for the radio station and the content consisted of comments regarding our high-definition signal and broadcasts, yet all the material that I recorded, and this goes back with the weeks and weeks of material, was exported at a low frequency and inferior bid rate. Because my preferences in my audio software had a glitch.

So I'm supposed to be talking in high-definition, like it's 3D for radio, but it sounds like I'm talking to you from a tin can on a string! It was horrible! It was wasted work! I was sweating! There was nothing I could do! But most of all, it was embarrassing and possibly damaging to my career and sexual lifestyle...

Just before the power went off for 8 hours in my neighborhood, I got an e-mail from a fan that used to listen to me when I was doing mornings in Dallas on KDGE 94.5 The Edge. In the letter she asked me if I had ever seen a movie starring Kevin Costner called, "The Upside of Anger?"

I hadn't, but she went on to tell me that Costner plays a deejay on the station I used to work for in Detroit called WRIF.

So I looked up on the Direct TV Guide and watched it. It's really good! It's a movie by Mike Binder who I use to not like, but grew on me to the point I think he is a genius. I was very excited to see my old radio station in the film.

It made me wonder about a screenplay I had written about a radio station almost 15 years ago. Several people who had read it really liked it, but I never did anything with it because it was so personal.

I should try to find it and pulled out again. I have so many friends in the film industry that are so successful, I should try to get something made with these connections.

I have to stop thinking that I would be using my friends by getting a film made through them. That's not the way to think. I should only use them for money, a place to sleep, sex, food, but never Art!

Art is way too important! Art is bigger than any of us! Art lives forever, and that is almost as long as the debt stays in the mind and memory of the friends you borrowed from.

Today I had a couple of friends asked my opinion on some good movies to watch and DVDs to rent.

I know this is only a result because of the posts I've made these last few days.

I feel with the advent of DVD rentals and online video on demand services, that we are on the edge of an educational explosion.

Soon there may be no need to go to film school or any college at all.

When I worked for IFC not all cable systems had the channel, none of my family ever saw me on TV, none of the cable operators that my friends in the Midwest had carried IFC, or Sundance, but now with faster high-speed Internet connections and services like iTunes, Google Video and GreenCine, the ability to see content that we missed before will be available to us anytime.

When that was a kid our TV could only pick up 1 channel.

Art films, BBC TV specials, golden age TV talk shows and programs that have fallen between the cracks of critical acknowledgment, popular culture, and Nielsen ratings will be a download away.

Today's film student could be saving money by spending his or her tuition renting DVDs or movie files of films made it outside the experience of their college professors. We have witnessed the rise of filmmakers raised in the video store arena, that wealth of knowledge and its data base, with its cross referencing ability will be an ever expanding horizons on which tomorrow's filmmakers will strip mine and melt their ore into works of their own.

Films that studios gave up on, collecting dust or deteriorating in a lab vault and nearly forgotten have been saved by the filmmaker, their fans or family and released on easily producable DVDs. Now I can watch films I only read about in a biography that may never have seen the light of the projector.

Today's and tomorrow's filmmaker or viewer will be able to witness the original work that was source material in homage or blatant rip-off. My own pleasure has been recently to view all the films of one artist in chronological order to witness that artist's growth.

When I was growing up the artist that inspired me the most was Gordon Parks who just passed away this week. I saw a photograph he had taken in a gallery and discovered he had directed the movie "Shaft" but what made this more profound for me, was that I was born in the city he was born in and that was where I was standing in the gallery viewing his photo. At the time I would not have been able to see but maybe one movie of his, and only if it happened to be on TV, but soon the work of a artist's entire life will be available for download.

With online libraries books will be available to download that never have been filtered through the publisher or printing press. Audio versions of these books will be read by fans making audio files available.

It is possible right now for a person to write a novel, offering it online, create their own audio version, create their own video version possibly documenting the creative process, or outright adaptation into cinema, and control all marketing and income from their laptop at Starbucks.

I've often wondered why someone wouldn't, with even a modicum of fame and success, create a side project that was available on their own Web site.

I've read everything I can find of Terry Pratchett's work! I was so excited to hear that Terry Gilliam has been working to try to bring, "Good Omens" to the big screen, but then that probably will never happen.

I know this sounds silly, but I've been going through a Mike Hammer stage, rereading Mickey Spillane. I just remember as a kid that my mom was so into him. I remember her having a photograph of a book signing at Ben Franklin's 5 and Dime,
where there is nothing but housewives and single women getting his books signed. She used to call his books, "guts and sluts." But she loved them!

I wish I had some new suggestions of good reads, but I've just been reading old stuff lately.

When I was younger I worked with a local hospital in Dallas TX to set up a service where professional people could come in on their lunch breaks or time off and hold babies born of mothers of drug addiction. It was pretty successful.

But I also wanted to create a reading program where people who shared commonalities with the major characters of novels and stories would read those books in public to the young or elderly, but I was met with much resistance and zero funding.

Imagine living in a world with little resistance to your ideas and actions.

Imagine living in a world where you could come up with an idea and take immediate action upon creating it.

Imagine living in a world where I could to say to you, "Please remove your panties," and you would do just that.

It was a few weeks back when I got an e-mail from a friend who works on the radio here in Los Angeles telling me about his dating situation.

He was telling me about this online dating service that was advertising on KFI.

Its new, so I signed up. I bet it wasn't even a day after I put up my profile that I was getting e-mails from women.

Granted, these were elderly women. I have yet to figure out how to set the age preferences.

I told a close friend, who will remain nameless, but his name rhymes with Heave, about this and he too is on board.

This is so much better then E-Harmony, Yahoo Personals, or Penthouse Forums! I bet I have received over 20 e-mails from 20 different women, yet only one is younger than me. I will soon correct that. As I grow older...

It's like Myspace for those over 30! Yet, they still have the "myspace angles" in their photos!

Many of the women are very beautiful regardless of their age and elderly status.

One woman who I've begun regularly corresponding with seems to be an avid collector of antique automobiles, I can tell this by the photos she sent me of her standing in front of them.

Come to think of it, these are black-and-white photo of her and the cars. These may have been new cars when the photos were taken.

Still she is a foxy bitch!

Another woman I've talked to a via e-mail, is a pretty woman who is an assessor, who in her spare time is a Wiccan and does face paintings and also strips for B'Day Parties. I like her. She's a big girl.

I've made many new friends!

Minutes ago, I just watched the movie, "The Dreamers," you have to see it!

I am telling you that is one hot movie!

Wish I could find a woman to show this movie to, she would be squeezing out a puppy for me after she sees that film.

Really! She would have sex with me and birth a litter of kittens too!

Seriously, it's a really good film with lots of references to French cinema in the '60s and a very important part in the film is the kids reenacting a scene from Jean Luc Goddard's, "Band of Outsiders" or "Bande à part" or "A Band Apart" where they race through Louvre. Hope you find the DVD, because I am getting a copy myself. It's just that good!

That's Eva Green above from the film, she's also the New Bond girl.

I must go now, just thinking about this film has made me want to spank it again.

Who is more critical of movies, men or women?

It seems all the guys I know, even though they work in the film industry and buy the latest DVDs, are never satisfied with any movie they see.

If I happen to mention a film I've rented from Netflix, GreenCine, or even shelled out the big bucks to see it at Laemmle's, or the Arclight, and said that I liked it, they will dive into reasons why it's not a good movie.

And many, if not most of their opinions are completely asinine.

It can be funny to watch it happen when you know it's coming up, sometimes I like to just set them up and see how they criticize the film.

Most of the time it's like watching a little kid making up the story and including objects from a round room in his tale. They use big words outside the reach of their common every day vocabulary, they'll use snippets, fragments and shards of opinions heard at work or in other reviews to make their statement.

You can even lie and say, "I didn't like this film," and then they'll tell you why they liked it and why you should.

I'm not saying that I don't believe people shouldn't have opinions, I just don't think everyone needs to express one, or make one up if they don't have it.

Women in my world don't feel the need to hate everything just because of peer pressure, or the need to impress. I can talk to women all day long about movies and never hear anything more critical than, "it's just not my kinda thing."

I know what you're thinking, maybe Jerry just hangs around women that are stupid or have no opinion. But that's not true. The few women that I know that feel compelled to express their harsh and critical opinions on film so vocally have been for the most part lesbians or very overweight tomboys.

Just a fact.

And I am not saying that there aren't bad films, or that no one should be afraid to be critical, it's just that I want to be able to say I like something without starting a debate.

I was just a moment ago telling a friend how I could not believe that the Oscars had ignored the movie, "Serenity" and he had to go on and tell me what a horrible movie that was. But he went on and told me how great he thought the movie, "Crash" was. I told him I thought there was more truth and beauty and believability in, "Serenity."

Driving away and thinking about that conversation it occurred to me that this friend was not just opinionated, but he was also gay.

Seriously, does anybody really care about the Academy Awards anymore?

When I was a kid I used to fantasize about making an acceptance speech. I would stand on my bed and speak into my GI Joe like he was a microphone.

My speeches were great!

I thanked everyone that I loved, I thanked anyone who ever influenced me, I thanked all my pets and animal friends, but I saved the best for last by ending my speech by telling the Oscar audience what horrible assholes I had to go to school with.

The crowd loved it.

I was offered more work, TV talk-show guest appearances and an after-school fishing special.

It seems in the press everyone is coming down on Jon Stewart. But I thought he was a pretty good host. However, it was just a dull year for movies, dull actors, dull events, just dull dull dull...

I saw the Oscars in high-definition, Tivo, color, wide-screen, screaming babies and pizza party! The babies weren't so much screaming as they were sticking their pizza sauce covered fingers into their mouths and touching me on my clothes and on my face with their wet little hands.

But it's good to be around kids I think, because it reminds me of just how wonderful it is not to have any of my own.

I got a lot of e-mails about yesterday's post, asking if I was going to the Oscar after party at my new strip club? No I didn't go, because after playing with kids the last thing I wanted to see was vaginas.

Also, no one recognized that the photo was of a Natalie Portman from the Motion picture, "Closer" in which she played a stripper with a heart of gold.

It did seem however, that going to this Oscar party, that also involved exchange of money by way of a pool, was a lot like going to a strip club in the sense that at the end of the night a blonde walked away with all my money.

Out of all the Oscars given out I was correct only on nine of them.

The best thing about the Oscars and living here in Los Angeles was that there was a zero traffic Sunday!

People seem so shocked that the movie, "Crash," beat out, "Brokeback Mountain" for best picture of the year. There was rioting in the streets in West Hollywood! Like Gays were robbed!

But I ask why?

There have been plenty of Gay films win Best picture, like didn't all three of the "Lord of the Ring" movies win?

I haven't been to a stripclub in a while...

I usually go if I need money, cause I am a dancing fool!

Well, I usually go if a club is a sponsor or I've voiced a club commercial, but there is a really big nice one nearly across the street from where I'm living now. And this is a nice neighborhood, too!

It was $16 to just get in! But, boy was it worth it!

The place is huge and clean and friendly and so were the girls!

I met a nice girl who is Czech and was an assistant to a very famous film director. She's very pretty, tall and knowledgeable on the works of David Lean. She told me all this while grinding her Lady Business on my lap.

I think she believed I was very aroused by this, but my cellphone had lodged itself in my pocket next to my nuts and my phone is penis shaped.

So she went on and on about David Lean...

I had to pony up $40 to get her to stop.

I met several of the girls who were all very nice and very good at making you think they cared about what you had to say, think or even looked like...

I met the management, the bouncers and even the DJ. They were all very nice and very cool.

Later, after I realized I had spent over 6 hours there and blown all the hard earned money I had borrowed from friends, I hit the road to Coral Cafe the 24 hour diner I used to go to before. It was packed and two of the strippers showed up to eat.

They waved at me and one came over to give me a stack of passes to the club so I could bring all my friends.

"We're going to play the Oscars on the big screen, so come and watch the Stars with us!" she said squeezing my arm.

Here's some fun links folks have sent me that I like!

Steve sent these:

Real Life Simpsons!

Jessica Alba Playboy tricked readers into thinking she was naked

Um....yeah.....

Hope she sues the heck out of Heff! What a liar! I was gipped!

ABC's Shows Will Be Free on iTunes

Free ABC
on iTunes Video of Grey's Anatomy, Lost and Desp
Housewives. Guess they figured out, finally, that advertisers will
pay more than the consumer...

The link was down when I tried to read it, but if this is true, this
makes much more sense than paying $1.99. Miss a show? See it for
free online.

Sony Ericsson goes moblogging with Google

Schools cracking down on teen Web site MySpace

The MySpace Mirage They don't have the users they claim

Microsoft redesigns iPod packaging

Aaron sent these:

Pillow Fighter!

I don't know but I'm already planning on buying ALL the merchandise!

I thought you'd dig it:

Shatner!

Making Money on World Of Warcraft! Earn real gold!!!!

Michael W. Dean sent this one:

To celebrate his sixth book, Michael W. Dean has launched a new book site

Hoops sent this one:

They have been selling the self parking Prius in Japan and Europe now for 3 years. Goddamn it!

Maybe it was a dull day with only these links...

I'll try harder to live life to it's fullest Tomorrow!

Radio people e-mail me all the time!

It's so funny how once radio is in your blood it stays there like some horrible virus. People I worked with in my past and people I've never even met that work in the radio biz read these pages and let me know how it hangs in their World.

Marshall Such of iWorks Audio and Radio! The Musical wrote to me and said some very nice things:

It's fuckin' radio. Yes, stations need you
like a flower needs the rain you know they need you.

But your voice is up on the iWorks Audio site.

That Uri Geller shit on Google Video was funny! Some radio
station should be wanting to give their left nut to get you!

My sense is that David Lee Roth has a limited run b4 he's axed...already
stories of prima donna behavior, bad attitude, shitty show.
And THESE Yahoos are filling in?!?
Yikes!

"filling in for the vacationing David Lee Roth" my ass. This is TOO
prepared.

'Old' radio fights satellite with HD as its weapon. In the media world,
more is more. More channels, more choices and more challenges for
traditional radio companies as two satellite providers offer listeners
vast choices for $12.95 a month.

Marshall
----------------------------

That's nice to get those kind of e-mails!

I'm one one station that is going High Definition, but people have to buy a new receiver to hear it! That, with an XM or Sirius or iPod or your cell phone... Dang! We're going broke!

I got another e-mail:

FROM: Mancow/TRN-FM

SUBJECT: Mancow National Ratings Report Fall 05

Greetings,

Below please find your nationwide "Mancow" ratings report card - just in from the Fall '05 book. I thought it might be nice for you to have an idea of what Mancow is achieving in other markets, so that you can have a basis for comparison in your own market. As usual, with few exceptions, Mancow dominated his daypart nationwide in most every market he has been in two books or more. Even though many of Mancow's stations are still in their debut book, I thought it might be of interest to you to see the amazing and often dramatic impact that Mancow's Morning Madhouse has had on his stations' ratings growth, once he has been in a market for a full book or more.

If you ever have any questions or comments on Mancow's Morning Madhouse, then please feel free to call TRN-FM affiliate relations at 866-876-5077 or email affiliates@talkradionetwork.com

To see Mancow's ratings report card (and PD comments) please scroll down.

All the best,

Mark Masters
Chief Executive Officer
TRN-FM

National Ratings Overview for Mancow's Morning Madhouse for Fall of "05"
Since the launch of Mancow's Morning Madhouse last year into national syndication, stations nationwide are ecstatic about the recent ratings coming in on "The Cow."

Erich "Mancow" Muller still reigns supreme on Emmis' WKQX, Chicago, where he ranked #1 in Cume Audience for 18/34 males, and jumped his audience size yet again going from a 7.4 Share to a 10.1 Share in AQH Men 18/34, beating out Howard Stern's final book in Chicago by more than a 2 to 1 margin. Mancow also holds an impressive 6.0 Share in Men 18/49. Mancow not only cleaned up in Cume, but AQH as well in the country's third largest radio market.

In Fresno, Vice President Jeff Negrete of KRZR says, "Mancow makes other morning shows sound lazy, I'm thankful he's on our team."
--------------------
That cracks me up! KRZR is barely alive from what I hear from advertisers dropped, or dropping and cost cutting measures to staff! Vice President Jeff Negrete needs some kinda team. His team is jumping ship before he sinks it! It's too bad KRZR and Clear Channel Fresno doesn't have Management that knows how Radio works and how to Win!

It's just like Bubba The Love Sponge said, "When Wall Street finds out how shady these drug upper management types are that runs this company - the drug abuse, prostitutes, adultery, I am sure that my Clear Channel bombs will cause people to be fired and disrupt families, just like they disrupted my family two years and made an example of me."

(This News is from Allaccess.com)

Five minutes before SIRIUS SATELLITE RADIO/HOWARD 101 evening host BUBBA THE LOVE SPONGE was about to unload on CLEAR CHANNEL, when management from his former company contacted SIRIUS management and threatened legal action.

There was no secret what BUBBA was planning to do on MARCH 1st, following the expiration of his contract with CLEAR CHANNEL. Promos had been running on HOWARD 101 since JANUARY 9th.

They need to be investigated!

KFRR isn't much better! They are saving money by conducting a DJ Search WILKS BROADCASTING Alternative KFRR/FRESNO is searching for the next superstar DJ amongst its listeners. KFRR is soliciting for listeners to send in a three-minute CD for "DJ SEARCH 2006." If it doesn't suck too bad, they will get posted beginning MARCH 13th on the station's website for online voting. Then the week of MARCH 20th, the Top 5 finalists will compete on-air each night from 7-10p. The winner will get to be part of the KFRR airstaff.

That means they get free DJs!

Being part of the Radio Industry is just a notch under Child Molester on the list of things to be in your life.

Did you give it up for Lent?

For many Christians, it was Ash Wednesday, the first day of Lent, or for the rest of us, The Day we get to see people with dirty foreheads.

I'm hoping some priests are just poor artists, cause I saw two ash crosses on foreheads at Barnes and Noble today that looked a little like swastikas.

Today I got an e-mail from my friend Patton Oswalt telling me about how he's, "been doing a lot of writing, and I'm working out new material for my next album. So when the squares are buying my new disc next year, you can say, "Eh, I'm already tired of that shit!" It's your only opportunity to look cool next year.""

Then I turn on the tube and see, "COMEDIANS OF COMEDY" I laughed so hard I almost squirted in my pants. You have to see it! The show that is, not the stain in my pants.