This is me on the edge of the runway as fashion and porn meet!

Sorry, but I look so wasted here. This is just before I was hauled off by Security for jumping on stage.

I love Instant Messenger!

I came to it quite late. People are all over it here. I feel it's the great equalizer when it comes to meeting the FBI pretending to be 12 year old girls.

Sometimes you get to meet ugly people pretending to be all pretty an stuff.

Sometimes pretty people wanna hang with us less attractive folk.

Rich hang with the homeless using the library internet connection.

Serial Killers meet the hunted online.

Then there's those looking to hook up before Valentine's Day bums them out for being all alone and unwanted...

Mary Jane: hello again. sry my comp. shut down.
lentz2001: s'okay...
Mary Jane: so what up? my names Rachel.
lentz2001: Rachel is my favorite name!
Mary Jane: if i called myself booger you would still say the same.
lentz2001: Yes, I would say Rachel is my favorite name!
Mary Jane: so. how are you boy
lentz2001: jus chillin'
Mary Jane: like a villain
lentz2001: i got a feelin'
Mary Jane: rock out with mah cock out
lentz2001: damn, ninja...
Mary Jane: im no ninja. ninjas are crap. im a pirate.
lentz2001: Butt Pirate?
Mary Jane: all the time!
lentz2001: ride'm cowgirl!
Mary Jane: yeehaw
lentz2001: nice...
Mary Jane: so!!!!!! freaking talk butt monkey
lentz2001: yesss?
Mary Jane: just talk. say something or i shall poke you with a sharp stick.
lentz2001: ask me a question.
Mary Jane: um. how tall are you
lentz2001: 3' 2"
Mary Jane: crap you can fit in my backpack. awesome.
lentz2001: oh, I mean 6-2
lentz2001: ask me another one...
Mary Jane: who won the civil war
lentz2001: do you mean the Silver War? Cause who ever fought over Civil?
Mary Jane: sure! i wouldn't. no point. you get sweaty and sticky. thats no fun.
lentz2001: Right!
lentz2001: tell me about your nasty self.
Mary Jane: heck no g! im a music geek. and i read too much. period. you?
lentz2001: i think I'm in love! Geek Love!
Mary Jane: revenge of the nerds. well, tell me about your ass
lentz2001: it's nice and round and big and soft... perfect for snugglin' up close on cold nights...
Mary Jane: ah. awesome.
lentz2001: Maybe just a lil' gas.
Mary Jane: my dog just farted.
lentz2001: fart on him in revenge
Mary Jane: im down for the count. hes just....too strong
lentz2001: hmmm,
lentz2001: Rochelle? Tell me about you and your Home World.
Mary Jane: the one i currently rule over? or my old one
lentz2001: the one you rule
Mary Jane: ah. well its very lonely. its rather big, but still lonely. like the little prince!
lentz2001: The Little Prince is my favorite story!
Mary Jane: hahahaahha right.
lentz2001: It is, right after "Steadfast Tin Soldier" by the Hans
Mary Jane: i love that one. with the ballerina! then he melts.
lentz2001: Into the shape of a heart...
Mary Jane: *sniff sniff*
lentz2001: sob...
lentz2001: bah haha bah haha bah haha bah haha... (Nose blowing here)
Mary Jane: .................!?!?!
lentz2001: $$$$$$$$$$$$
Mary Jane: boobies are awesome.
lentz2001: Ya said a mouthful there biatch!
Mary Jane: pimpin ass hoe!
lentz2001: rock on like a hard on!
Mary Jane: i work hard for the money. hang out with my wang out
lentz2001: stop teasing me and send me a friggin nude photo of your hot tight body!
Mary Jane: hahaha forget that
lentz2001: whatever... I was about to send ya mine...
Mary Jane: dammit!
lentz2001: that's right... missed out, snotty!
Mary Jane: im sorry. ill go cry some more now.
lentz2001: no wait... I'm all sorry an shit, baby. let me just hold ya.
Mary Jane: aww such a romeo. bet you get the ladies like crazy
lentz2001: nah, there's no other hoes when I'm talkin to you, sweetness.
Mary Jane: awww smooth operator
lentz2001: pleeeezzzz, I just say it like it is... You all fine and ya know it, honey.
Mary Jane: nigga please yeah dude i rock
lentz2001: Damn right... that's some fine nut busting ass you got tailgatin' you, honeybunch.
Mary Jane: man, thats the most perverted thing ive seen today. and im watchin porn. aye paco!
lentz2001: I love when you talk all illegal alien and such... makes me hungry for Toledo's
Mary Jane: haha.
lentz2001: well, guess I better crack open the new lotion I just bought, caught my skins gettin' all stretched and dry.
Mary Jane: ashy guys dont use lotion! goddammit.
lentz2001: Well, Rhonda, baby... Itsa been real, candypants, but daddy needs to lay his ass down.
Mary Jane: alright see you later. you owe me a dollar.
lentz2001: why?
Mary Jane: cuz i said so. now go!
lentz2001: you owe me dinner
Mary Jane: fine.
lentz2001: whataya gettin me?
Mary Jane: carls jr.
lentz2001: damn, biatch! I'm a man and I need some real homecookin'! Now get your fat lazy ass in that there kitchen and fix me some chicken an rice!
Mary Jane: shut yo ass up.
lentz2001: hey baby, I'm all sorry an stuff... It's just poppi got all hot thinkin 'bout how hot you'd look bent over that stove with that fine round ass squeezin' out of them cuttoff thrift store denim shorts... That's all baby
Mary Jane: haha. go away
lentz2001: no, come back, me so sorry... you make me so crazy.
Mary Jane: me so horny!
lentz2001: that's my girl.

This is Margot!

The one in the middle with her friend Jennifer. We were eating pizza and stuff at Roman's in Studio City the town made famous with the recent News Lindsay Lohan rear-ended a car!

Margot was named after Margot Lane from the old pulp and radio drama, "The Shadow."

Margot is my best friend Aaron's sister. She is so beautiful and smart and talented...

But she's so much more than that!

She has the World's Largest Collection of Wonder Woman Memorabilia. Sometimes she wears the Wonder Woman outfit and uses the Golden Lasso to tell whether people are telling the truth.

She has yet to use it on me. I feel that she thinks I'm a liar and never needs to take the effort of using her superpowers on me.

That saddens me, because if she only knew the truth I hold in my heart she would understand and know that I am...

The Invisible Man!

Whatever! Shut Up! I am too!

Margot is not the only person whose name is in The Shadow:

Lentz in "The Shadow"

How cool is that?

I wish I had a Transporter like they have in Star Trek! Then traveling would be a breeze.

That's what it looks like Aaron and I are standing on in this photo, but it's actually glass tiles in Old Pasadena that have been there since the early Twenties!

Here in LA!

Boy, I've missed it so much!

The traffic...

The violence...

The apathy...

The drive down was great! I don't recommend it, but the trip flew by to my consumption of Bacardi Vanilla and Coke and some magic brownies a nice listener made for me.

I saw what I believe was a UFO flying North. It may have been an experimental Military craft, a meteor, or the Bacardi and pot brownies...

I feel the 217 miles I travel one way is perfect, because if it was an even 300 that would be too much.

Usually I drive at about 12AM and listen to my friend George Noory on the radio until the signal fades out and have to change frequency to KFI.

Usually I fill up before I leave Fresno and pick up an ice tea from McDonald's.

Usually I drive at about 75 miles per hour and can make it to my place in LA in about 3 hours.

This trip seemed to take me about 7 hours...

That's because the Bacardi and pot brownies were driving... And I was probably only going 20 miles per hour.

Heading out to LA again this weekend!

Hopefully no mudslides this time to block my path.

Can't wait to see my friends. But who knows, I may have been replaced already.

Seems friends are easy to come by these days for some. It takes me forever to make friends.

I don't know why?

The other day, I felt I was smiling. I could feel this big goofy, happy smile on my face, but when I looked in the rear view mirror...

No smile was to be found on my face.

It was like the smile was there but covered up by my chipmunk cheeks or something.

Maybe I need to lose weight in my face.

Maybe people can't see my smile. The beautiful smile I see and feel on the inside.

I know my sense of humor is rather dry. That, I've been told. It's so dry in fact, there have been times I was making jokes and didn't know it.

When I was a lil' boy in school, I was smiling about something and another kid told me I had a stupid smile. That really hurt me. I believe it has always affected me.

If you are ever near me, in a crowd, on the street... just realize I'm smiling even if you can't see it.

I was walking down an alleyway and I saw a man who looked like he had drank too much.

As I passed by he rolled over and I could see he was really well dressed for a guy laying on top of trash bags in a wet alley.

"Hey know what time it is?" He asked.

"Oh, 7:13."

"Good. "Alone in the Dark" starts in about twenty minutes..." Then he burped really loud.

I wouldn't have imagined him as a moviegoer and if I had, I would have figured him as a "Sideways" type.

He told me he had been kicked out by his girlfriend and that he works for her, so he was thinking he'd lost his gig.

Later in the day I saw him buying ice creme. I wonder if he was eating it in celebration, or out of depression?

I too, later bought a shake at the same place, but he was gone.

I wondered if his girlfriend was even worried about him?

I sometimes hire artists to do various portraits of me for work, promotional things and to help illustrate articles about me in numerous publications.

Sometimes these artists take rejected portraits that I feel are too disturbing and use them in other jobs.

That's to say, an artist shows me work he has done that he believes captures my appearance in my best light. Then when I see it, I may be disappointed and turn it down.

They sometimes take that work and use it elsewhere...

Don't waste your money on these teeth!

Boycott!

It's you that I adore
You'll always be my whore
You'll be a mother to my child
And a child to my heart

We must never be apart
We must never be apart

Lovely girl, you're the beauty in my world
Without you, there aren't reasons left to find

And you'll pull your crooked teeth
You'll be perfect just like me
You'll be a lover in my bed
And a gun to my head

We must never be apart
We must never be apart

Lovely girl, you're the murder in my world
Dressing coffins for the souls I've left to die
Drinking mercury to the mystery
Of all that you should ever seek to find
In time

In you I see dirty
In you I count stars
In you I feel so pretty
In you I taste God
In you I feel so hungry
In you I crash cars

We must never be apart

Drinking mercury to the mystery
Of all that you should ever seek to find
Lovely girl, you're the murder in my world
Dressing coffins for the souls I've left behind
In time

We must never be apart

And you'll always be my whore
'Cause you're the one that I adore
And you'll pull your crooked teeth
You'll be perfect just like me

In you I feel so dirty
In you I crash cars
In you I feel so pretty
In you I taste God

We must never be apart

Ava Adore
Smashing Pumpkins

When ever I hear the word "Smores" I get warm all over.

Some people think of their first time in camp making them.

Some people think of rainy days and mom making smores.

Some people even think of their early days in a relationship when things are still all gooey and fun.

When I think of smores, I think of the time I was spending the night with a school friend and his older sister woke me up in the middle of sleep to go into her room to eat smores she made.

They were chewy and chocolaty and when she began kissing me, she tasted like Graham Crackers.

I took toothpicks and made Marshmallow men, then pulled her pajamas off.

That was fun.

Hmmmm, smores.

Everyone wants an iPod!

Sure I want one too!

I have friends that have iPods that pick up XM Satellite.

I have friends that have iPods that store video.

I have friends that have iPods that take pictures.

But can any of their iPods make coffee?

Another weekend without going back to my place in LA. This time weather had nothing to do with me not making it happen. No mudslides. No traffic jams. What then?

How bout I slept for 16 hours!

I must be really depressed. I need to see a Doctor. Things seem to be going great for me. Why do I feel so down?

A doctor I use to have told me that depression was when you are angry at yourself.

Maybe I am.

Maybe I've buried it so deep, I can't see it.

Maybe I don't really want to know what it is...

Maybe I'm really pissed at myself.

Maybe I'm so angry at myself, that when I find out what I'm angry about, I'll kill myself.

Maybe I've failed to accomplish something in my life that as a little boy promised I would do in my adult life.

How can anyone really be happy with any accomplishments when there are people in the world like Bill Gates, Lance Armstrong, George Lucas, and Marilyn Manson taking up all the really great goals?

How can I learn to be happy wasting my life away doing jack-squat?

Sure I could try harder and do something wonderful, but in doing that, I might break a sweat.

How can I write that great novel that will change peoples lives and create that groundbreaking paradigm shift in the public conscience when the SciFi Channel is now producing some quality TV and taking up all my free time?

Who has time even for meeting new girls when "Battlestar Galactica" is now one of the best TV shows on right now?

Why can't I meet a hot Cylon chick and have her all the time?

I was just hanging out in a restaurant talking with a couple of waitresses who stopped by to comment on the magazine I was reading.

Yes, I was reading while eating. Okay already... I was alone... Rub it why don't...

The magazine was, "Giant" and Ethan Hawke was on the cover, so a couple of waitresses were all ohing and ahhing over his looks. Then this other waitress walks up and looks to see what they're looking at...

She goes, "I guess he's cute, but isn't he all old an shit?"

So now I have reached that age where people think I'm old too!

That kinda sucks!

I feel no different on the inside. I'm still that immature, self absorbed, depressed kid on the inside, but who is this old dude staring back at me from the mirror when I shave?

And why has he let himself go so much?

Minutes later one of the waitresses came by and asked me, "Hey. You seem kinda down, you okay?"

"Yeah, I didn't feel so old until that bitch said that thing about Ethan Hawke being old and I know he's only a few years older than me."

"I don't think you are old at all. You look so young and handsome. If I can just come out and tell you that?"

"Oh. That's very sweet of you."

"No. Seriously. I think you are pretty hot. If I hadn't just gotten out of a horrible relationship with this asshole I've been with these last few horrible years, I'd ask you out."

I was stunned, "Wow! How old are you? If that's not too rude?"

"Well, I just turned 22 in October."

"And you'd want to go out with me?"

"Why the hell not? I think you are smart and funny and pretty sexy."

"So you wouldn't go out with me now?"

"Well, would you want to go out with a girl on the rebound?"

"If she was you I think I'd deal with it."

"Would you like to go see a movie, or actually, I just rented, "The Office" it's a British TV show that's really funny. If you want I could make spaghetti and you could come over and watch it with me?"

"Hey that's great!"

"So since we're on the subject... How old are you?"

I was so excited I just told her with out even worrying.

Her face gets all crinkled up. "Man, that's two years older than my dad. I think that would be weird."

"Oh."

"Sorry." She walked away to serve other tables and I felt like melting off the chair, pouring myself onto the floor, seeping down between the boards in the floor and living in the dark of the space down under the subbasement of the restaurant.

Later, I dreamed she was hit by a Sparkletts water truck and bolted up in bed with a smile on my face, but then it faded when I realized it had been a dream.

Maybe I'll eat there in her section tomorrow to see if she feels better about hanging out.

There's a thing the radio stations here do called, "Wing Bowl" I had no idea what it was about. I heard them talking about it and it didn't sound interesting at all to me.

But so many listeners that talk to me have really enjoyed them in the past, so I thought I'd give it a try.

Well, I helped host the "prelims" at Hooters and met a lot of cool people signing up and trying out to eat as many spicy wings as humanly possible without killing themselves.

I had a blast!

Here are some pictures of the event, but be warned they are scary to look at... It looks like some horrible cannibalistic atrocity is taking place.

Wing Bowl Pics

There are two stripclubs here in town that I have been invited to by different people, yet have never followed up on...

One place is called, "Goldiggers" and the other is called, "City Lights."

I have a waitress friend who dances there every once in a while and seems to know everyone there. She wanted to take me there, but I was in LA at the time.

I think it's kind a hot that a chick wants to escort me to a nudee-bar!

I have so many fantasies that she'll get all hot and excited and take me to her house and show me a private show.

But then, if she's all excited by the girls dancing... It ain't me she'll want.

Maybe she'll bring one of the girls with her and together they'll put on a show for me. Ya know, to welcome me here.

But then, it'll probably be some sorta scam to knock me out and steal a kidney or something worse.

I've known strippers and I've known dudes that dated strippers. It's a lot like the guy that works on cars all day... Their cars are the worst cause after the day is done, do they want to continue working on cars?

I need to meet girls that want to be strippers and have yet to grow cynical about the lifestyle. Young fresh girls new to those feelings of performing for cash. Girls whose dads left them at an early age. Girls that need a more mature man in their life to guide them. Girls that need serious spanking!

I'm thinking of turning one of my bedrooms into a stripper training center. I could put a pole in the middle of the room. One wall is completely mirrored anyway...

I just need to get all my money converted to One Dollar bills.

Sometimes people have a few drinks, try to get close to me, become scary, and then try and kick my ass...

I need to try and be more careful about what I talk about on the radio.

This is the Vending Guy for the radio station and just about every office in Fresno.

I liked him and began talking about him on the air. I mentioned how cool he was... I mentioned him handing me free stuff out of the machines... I mentioned that most of the free stuff he gave me from the machines had passed their expiration dates... I mentioned he might come hang with me and some Hooters Girls...

His wife heard this!

His Boss heard this!

He was fired!

He was kicked out on to the street by his wife!

I took this picture to protect myself when he became belligerent and grabbed my arm.

The fear you see in my face and eyes is real.

I would like to thank one special Hooters Girl who distracted him long enough for me to run away like a little baby.

If something happens to me...

You know who the Fresno CSI might want to check into...

I took this picture while deep sea diving in the stadium theatre of the Edwards Cinema in River Park.

This is not the theatre that was showing, "The Life Aquatic," but should have been.

I've met so many girls lately that tell me that they believe they were Mermaids.

Many must be Water Signs... Good swimmers... Bed-wetters...

The fact that I can not swim might have something to do with these water-girls coming into my life. I believe they deep down want to drown me. Maybe not even deep down, just plainly on the surface wish to hold my head under the water.

As a kid, I wanted so badly to live in "Sea-Lab 2020." I loved "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea." I wanted to bang that fishchick from, "Splash."

I would love to have a mermaid in my love life, but I know I'd wake up to seafoam in the bed. At least with a water girl there's no fight over who'll sleep in the wet spot.

Started a thing about 10 years ago called, "Jerryoke." It was lotsofun! So I thought I would try it again.

It's basically Karaoke, but since my name is "Jerry" and I own the machine... I'll make it something different!

The difference is sometimes I'll have people sing the lyrics to one song over the music of another song and see if people can tell me the titles to both.

It isn't easy to do.

It isn't easy to sing like that...

It isn't easy on the ears either, but it can be really fun. It can be like listening to cats being skinned.

So many people want to play, sing and perform, but I need to spread out the fun. Now we have prizes! Bands can plug an upcoming gig! Or you can become the laughing stock at your company!

Not everyone has to be drunk to sing here, but I know one day where I was drunk at 7AM thanks to a listener bringing in some Bacardi and Coke. That made listening to him sing much easier.

Unfortunately our listeners were sober.

This is young Network Administrator SSG Jeremy Hawkins of the 1106th AVCRAD CA ARMY NATIONAL GUARD.

He protects Fresno from terrorists and any evil doer who would like to destroy our precious way of life. He also likes to e-mail jokes and other interesting comments to me that he believes would make good show material.

This in no way interferes with his duties in saving us from harm.

This is Jeremy hanging out with me in the freezing rain just as, in the background a 30 year old Sycamore tree collapses in the wind and destroys a truck and house.

Jeremy could have helped pull bodies from the wreckage, or help cut the tree from the house, but instead kept me company. That my friends is why I support the Army!

My Army!

I'm not sure what a Network Administrator does in the Army, but I know, if I'm being hassled by bad dudes, Jeremy is the first person I call to jack with their credit rating and American Citizenship.

My Army in action! Don't F_ck with me!

I don't know if you like porn... But this is one of my heroes. This is a great independent filmmaker known as Seymore Butts!

Also known as Adam Glasser of Showtime's "Family Business." It's the greatest show! It's like American Chopper of porn!

This is him hanging with me and some friends in LA during a break in shooting. I hope to get him on the show soon as he's a blast and totally cool!

Hopefully he'll put me on an episode of his show, too!

I talked with him about coming here to do a shoot with some of the girls I've come to know. Maybe I could build a contest out of it...

There are so many cute girls here willing to do anything fun:

chandra [offline 8:13:47 AM]: I need a breast exam!
lentz2001 [2:39:23 PM]: When can you come into the studio tomorrow?
chandra [2:39:40 PM]: sorry i work 8-5
chandra [2:39:54 PM]: you just want to touch my boobs
lentz2001 [2:40:02 PM]: Okay, better make it 7AM
chandra [2:40:55 PM]: i thought you would say 6
lentz2001 [2:40:56 PM]: 6:15AM
chandra [2:41:10 PM]: you may not like them when you see them
lentz2001 [2:41:24 PM]: Describe them...
chandra [2:41:35 PM]: 38dd
chandra [2:41:39 PM]: all natural
chandra [2:41:47 PM]: large nipples
chandra [2:41:55 PM]: thats about it
lentz2001 [2:42:03 PM]: Hmmm... Yes they may be large... Well, I might need to touch them.
chandra [2:42:30 PM]: yeah i am sure you would
lentz2001 [2:42:46 PM]: I am glad you offered!
chandra [2:42:56 PM]: why
lentz2001 [2:43:06 PM]: Because I am very good at checking for lumps.
chandra [2:43:18 PM]: i am sure you are
chandra [2:43:23 PM]: but i have a problem
lentz2001 [2:43:29 PM]: I might even develop one in my pants when you get there.
chandra [2:44:00 PM]: when you touch there are consequences
lentz2001 [2:44:17 PM]: Problem? Milk?
chandra [2:44:30 PM]: no
chandra [2:44:50 PM]: when people touch i can get very aroused
lentz2001 [2:45:00 PM]: The bra gets in the way?
chandra [2:45:17 PM]: and i get aroused
chandra [2:45:33 PM]: would have to be a private showing
lentz2001 [2:45:42 PM]: When you come down, will I get creeped out?
lentz2001 [2:46:07 PM]: Are you gonna hurt me?
chandra [2:46:25 PM]: no i won't hurt you
lentz2001 [2:46:37 PM]: Have we met before?
chandra [2:46:54 PM]: no
lentz2001 [2:47:06 PM]: You seem familiar...
lentz2001 [2:47:28 PM]: Please send a photo. NOW!
chandra [2:47:51 PM]: i told you i don't have one
lentz2001 [2:48:12 PM]: Who do you look like other than yourself?
chandra [2:48:58 PM]: i don't know
lentz2001 [2:49:08 PM]: Are you a big gal?
chandra [2:49:13 PM]: no
lentz2001 [2:49:25 PM]: Cause big gals need breast exams too!
chandra [2:49:35 PM]: at least i don't think I am
lentz2001 [2:49:42 PM]: Ahhh...
chandra [2:49:49 PM]: i am not bone thin
lentz2001 [2:50:03 PM]: Are you 6ft tall?
chandra [2:50:11 PM]: no 5'7
lentz2001 [2:50:23 PM]: Over 250...
chandra [2:50:31 PM]: 185
lentz2001 [2:50:53 PM]: Are you kidding? That's what I am...
chandra [2:51:14 PM]: is that bad
lentz2001 [2:51:16 PM]: My head is 185!
chandra [2:51:28 PM]: stop being a smart ass
lentz2001 [2:52:07 PM]: Well, All I know about proper weight and height I learned on "America's Next Top Model"
chandra [2:52:29 PM]: yeah whatever
lentz2001 [2:52:32 PM]: I didn't get to be on that show either...
chandra [2:53:30 PM]: i am sorry to hear that
lentz2001 [2:53:32 PM]: Do you have long hair?
chandra [2:53:52 PM]: past shoulders
lentz2001 [2:54:13 PM]: I too have hair past my shoulders and down my back...
chandra [2:54:28 PM]: thats called back hair
lentz2001 [2:54:51 PM]: Yes! And it's so shinny and manageable
chandra [2:55:11 PM]: thats great you take care of it
lentz2001 [2:55:50 PM]: I love to treat it with conditioner and other smelly-good stuff.
chandra [2:56:03 PM]: cool
lentz2001 [2:56:11 PM]: Are you a brunette?
chandra [2:56:32 PM]: no auburn
lentz2001 [2:56:41 PM]: Have you ever lost a body part?
chandra [2:56:50 PM]: no
lentz2001 [2:56:53 PM]: I love Auburn!
chandra [2:57:30 PM]: good
lentz2001 [2:57:33 PM]: My Mommy had Auburn hair... I used to live in Auburn Alabama, too!
chandra [2:58:00 PM]: cool
lentz2001 [2:58:09 PM]: You have grown tiresome of this conversation, haven't you?
chandra [2:58:33 PM]: no i am trying to decide if i should let you give me a breast exam
lentz2001 [2:58:59 PM]: Well, I'm not a Doctor, but who the hell cares?
chandra [2:59:20 PM]: who says you have to have a license to give an exam
lentz2001 [2:59:49 PM]: I have a fishing License...?
chandra [3:00:08 PM]: there you go you have a license
lentz2001 [3:00:24 PM]: Show me your boobies!!!
chandra [3:00:37 PM]: i just showed you
lentz2001 [3:00:58 PM]: Damn, my vision is weak...
chandra [3:01:09 PM]: sorry
chandra [3:01:22 PM]: i have to put them back in the bra now
lentz2001 [3:01:42 PM]: You seem to be all talk no action when it comes to breast safety.
chandra [3:02:11 PM]: well i nee someone to keep them safe for me
lentz2001 [3:03:09 PM]: I have a safe we can put them in, well not a safe per se, more like a booby- Trap!
chandra [3:03:35 PM]: you are one goofy person!
lentz2001 [3:03:49 PM]: Marry me!
chandra [3:04:32 PM]: i can't my boobies are in a trap
lentz2001 [3:04:43 PM]: Just as I planned!
chandra [3:04:49 PM]: you won't have anything to play with
chandra [3:05:07 PM]: thought it was a trap!
lentz2001 [3:05:20 PM]: Oh, I'll find something hanging around to play with...
chandra [3:05:54 PM]: i meant on me
lentz2001 [3:06:32 PM]: Well, now I'm all aroused and ready to turn on Spike TV and watch some Star Trek... My Vida Loca!
chandra [3:07:13 PM]: tell spock i said hello
chandra [3:07:56 PM]: so i don't need to come by the station
lentz2001 [3:08:12 PM]: Have a great day at work and if you want your boobies gently fondled in a serious yet erotic Medical way... Come by the studio in the morning.
chandra [3:08:35 PM]: o.k. maybe you will se me
chandra [3:08:43 PM]: you too bye
lentz2001 [3:09:01 PM]: I doubt you will come, but in a few minutes I will just dreaming about it... Later.

I swear, where ever I go, girls will show me their belly buttons!

I'm getting the rep that I have a fetish for the button and that simply is not the case.

However, I'm not in any way complaining that girls are proud to share their beautiful bodies with me. I'm all for that...!

One girl was so excited to show me her belly button and compete for attention that she laid on her back, filled her button with ranch dressing and handed me a basket of fries.

I had to pass, cause I have grown to like honey mustard on fries. She was sad, but what could I do?

It was a great photo op for me, but my camera phone was in the car.

I am all packed up and ready to head back to LA. I got tapes of old radio shows like "The Shadow" and "Sherlock Holmes" in my car because there is zero radio reception once you begin driving up into the mountains.

I like driving at night. I like being fairly alone on the darkened road. I also like to increase my chances of having an alien encounter.

Not illegal aliens...

You know what I'm talking about.

Ya can't tell by this photo of me with my friend Jen, but she is squeezing my ass!

Jen will deny it if you ask, but she was...

She's about to drop a baby and her boobs are huge. She is feeling all the wonderful things a mother feels when with child, like sickness, the beauty and wonder of giving life, and of course my ass.

I too lately have begun feeling cramps and stomach illness. I am very much an empath. Some confuse it with being sensitive, but sometimes it has come in handy knowing what another person feels.

Psychically, I can surf on a persons emotional wave and view from inside them, their most private inner thoughts. Like Remote Viewing, I can sense if you will, the emotional texture of their soul. Find where they are troubled and heal their lacking.

Some are drawn closer to me, others crossover into denial and cut off the connection with phrases like, "You're a freak!" "I think this is my bus." and "Get yer hands off my tits!"

But some, are pleasantly surprised by the intimate surge of energy that is transmitted between us. Some who are near me and in the present, happily open their hearts and minds to the almost sexual nature of the encounter.

Having the power can be a curse, but lately, it has been a gift. Many young and attractive women have found themselves living a more abundant life once they have met me.

There have been reported cases most recently about some girls who have sat next to me in restaurants while having dinner, suddenly feel their breast grow larger.

Other girls have inexplicably won lotteries. One girl was sad because she had never been able to get pregnant, but just 15 minutes with me, she found herself well on the way to learning how to get knocked up.

I tell you this not to impress you, but to impress upon you the need for you to stop rejecting those urges you have deep inside you to welcome me into your life.

Yes...

I am here for you.

And you have known me for ages.

I know it's after Xmas and this pic makes it look dated an all, but this photo I took of a window display in the Fresno Library where I got a new library card!

What's interesting about it is I took it with my camera phone and the train is only about an inch tall! Yet, with my little lens, it looks huge. I think so anyway, compared to what it really is...

Sometimes things are not what they seem...

Sometimes, I get to have conversations with listeners in the form of Yahoo! Messenger.

It can be great training for one who needs to learn how to type... And fool people into thinking you are someone else.

Laura: great show! hope you are having a good day!!
lentz2001: Thanks you! You are very sweet!
Laura: Thank you! I just love listening to you guys in the morning!
Laura: especially the freaks!
lentz2001: Yes... The Freaks.
Laura: lets me know my life is alot better than theirs
lentz2001: It does make one feel better about not living in Romania.
Laura: WHy yes it does
lentz2001: Are you working hard today?
Laura: not really it is starting to slow down
Laura: you are off work aren't you?
lentz2001: Yep...
Laura: just playing around on you laptop
lentz2001: But I still do work, like reading and writing.
lentz2001: The laptop has been lotsa fun!
Laura: wasn't that the expensive one.
lentz2001: Very... At least for me.
Laura: if you can afford it more power to you
lentz2001: Right... Plus I do pretty well, have no kids, or anyone to spend money on, so I guess I can indulge every once in a while.
Laura: that right.
Laura: Jerry may I ask how old you are?
lentz2001: I'm 16.
Laura: yeah right
Laura: i've seen your pics
Laura: your
lentz2001: I'm a very ugly 16.
Laura: 26,27
lentz2001: okay...
Laura: you have to be 18 to work in radio
lentz2001: is that right?
Laura: I am 31
lentz2001: You hardly look 31.
Laura: thanks, although you don't really know what I look like
lentz2001: Oh, I do know what you look like!
Laura: you do
Laura: what do i look like
lentz2001: You're the most beautiful thing in the whole wide world.
Laura: Thank you! I really appreciate that
Laura: you are pretty handsome yourself
lentz2001: Yes, well, I try to moisturize daily.
lentz2001: Plus, drinking blood of virgins helps, but yet to find any here in Fresno.
Laura: good luck!
lentz2001: It never is as easy as it seems in those horror movies to find victims, or even dates to the movies.
Laura: you can't find a date
Laura: i find that hard to believe
lentz2001: well, I was being silly... But no. So go on... Rub it in.
Laura: come on the amount of people you meet i am sorry i don't believe you
lentz2001: Well, I'm looking for a special one.
Laura: oh
lentz2001: One that enjoys the simple things in life... Like food, candies, books, movies, monster truck pulls...
Laura: well i enjoy most of those things, who am i kidding all of them
Laura: you would think i am just saying that
Laurar: but i don't qualify, i am not a virgin
lentz2001: Well, I wasn't done... Recording voices of the dead in cemeteries at midnight, Bacardi by candlelight, soft frilly panties, and hopefully she'll want to wear some too...
Laura: i wear g's is that close, never recorded voices,, like Bacardi, but need something in it
lentz2001: See, I'm still a virgin and I need someone with a lil' experience to guide me in the ways of the nasty. because all these videos make love too complicated. Bacardi and Coke so far is all I've learned...
Laura: sorry i know you are not virgin
Laura: you were married before
lentz2001: Damn!
lentz2001: But in the divorce I got my virginity back in the settlement.
Laura: but i will teach you the nasty ways
Laura: did it cost ya anything
lentz2001: It always costs baby!
Laura: i was just wonder what the monetary value of virginity was these days
lentz2001: Gee, that's a strong ethical question and it just made my mind shut down.
Laura: sorry i meant it as a joke
lentz2001: It was like a Zen question where my brain fell into a loop and stopped.
Laura: i got the hint, i am not your type
lentz2001: But my heart is still with ya!
Laura: i am not your type but your heart is still with me
lentz2001: What hint did you get?
Laura: i am kidding=))
lentz2001: But you are right... Right?
Laura: i am right that i am not your type
Laura: ??
lentz2001: I dunno...
lentz2001: Let's change the subject.
Laura: sorry now my brain shut down
lentz2001: Tell me about yourself.
Laura: ok good choice
lentz2001: Do you have lots of kids?
Laura: i have no kids
Laura: never been married
lentz2001: REALLY?
lentz2001: Why?
Laura: i have been engaged twice, i was two young and wrong person
lentz2001: Tell me more...
Laura: i was 22 when i got engaged to my first ex. never get engaged to someone you met when you were drunk
lentz2001: wow...
lentz2001: Are you Brittany Spears?
Laura: no
Laura: second, i was in the hospital and i fell in love with the man who rescued me.
lentz2001: What are your favorite hobbies?
Laura: i play darts in a league, i love movies, reading, dining out or just a quiet evening at home.
lentz2001: If you could be any one in history... Who?
Laura: now you are making me think
Laura: Nancy Reagan
lentz2001: How tall are you?
Laura: 5'7
lentz2001: If you could live anywhere in the world... Where?
Laura: hmmmm
Laura: New York
lentz2001: Who do people tell you you look like?
Laura: me
lentz2001: If you could sing one song what would it be?
Laura: Brass monkey
lentz2001: If you could go on a date with anyone in the world... who?
Laura: the one that is meant for me
Laura: any other ?'s
lentz2001: If you could... what? meant for you...Hmmmm, sweet. Okay you could play a part in any movie... What one?
Laura: hmmm?
Laura: kate winslet in titanic
lentz2001: Good pick, she's my favorite actress! When you dream, what kind of dream is your fav kind?
Laura: when i am running through the streets naked
Laura: just kidding
Laura: the sexual ones
lentz2001: Wow! That's my dream too! I wants so bad to see you naked in the street. The street outside my house.
Laura: name the street
Laura: just kidding wouldn't want to scare the neighbors
lentz2001: Please send me a picture so I can have a good visual when I dream about you tonight. It doesn't have to be nude this time.
Laura: i don't have a pic on the internet, i will see what i can do
lentz2001: Oh, just do what ever one else does, send me a pic they downloaded off the internet of someone they'd like to look like.
Laura: ok
lentz2001: Fun!!!
lentz2001: Well, I should get back to laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and dreaming about the future.
lentz2001: Type at ya later, Jerry

Laura is probably a man in Law Enforcement.

Space in my place is getting smaller. I've begun to unpack some of my boxes and I see all the crap I packed, but didn't really need.

I need to start eBaying again.

I also need to buy a big trashcan on wheels. The dumpster is too far away for me to just carry the trashbags. I need wheels.

Maybe I could get Monster Garage to motorize my new trashcan!

That show is awesome!

Once I was eating with a friend at Baja Fresh in LA and he pointed out Jesse James driving by on one of his bikes. The girls near me went ballistic!

I just saw an episode where Jesse hooks up with Koko the talking gorilla. It was very touching.

I would like a gorilla in my life. One like Mighty Joe Young to beat up bad people in my life. I would let the gorilla ride on the back of my chopper...

My really long chopper.

I would sleep on the apes soft and furry belly. The sound of bananas digesting inside the ape's tummy would lull me to sleep.

Unless it was a robot gorilla!

Monday came fast...

Why does the weekend shoot by and weekends fly?

I discovered if you are bored, or make yourself bored, that you can alter time and space. Well, time anyway.

The rain has really depressed so many people here. My friends at Red Robin are all sluggish and droopy when I come it for my daily meal.

I need to find a new place to eat. I sat down in the Robin, waited for my waitress...

Then, she set my iced tea down and my Whiskey River BBQ Chicken Sandwich and "Bottomless" fries...

I hadn't even ordered them yet!!!

That told me two things; One, I get good service, Two, I eat there too much.

Also, it tells me I need a woman in my life. If you are a woman, please contact me.

I hate eating alone...

This is Devo. Not the band, but the hot chick that works with me and help set up all the electronics of my laserlight show and explosions during my stage performance yesterday.

Devo is so smart and very powerful strength-wise. I saw her lift a nearly 500 lbs case of electronic equipment by herself and haul it over to a truck. She did this while it was raining and she had a submarine sandwich in her mouth at the time.

She's so cool!

She dates a half Black and half White guy she tells me. I was thinking of the Frank Gorshin character from the old school Star Trek episode, "Let That Be Your Last Battlefield," where he was Black on one side of his body and White on the other. He was battling a guy that looked just like him, but the colors were reversed on him. To everyone including the usually observant Spock they looked the same.

Devo's honey isn't like that I imagine, but how cool would it be if he was?

I think Black and White are cool Classic colors. I love Black and White movies. It looks Black and White outside right now with this weather.

The rain has been a bitch here...

Again, I was unable to make it to LA. I still have mail sitting in the box down there. Bills I don't know about are going unpaid cause I can't open my mailbox from here.

Snow in the mountains, flooding in the valleys, and mudslides on coastal routes have kept me here.

I met some really great people yesterday at my first public appearance at the Summit Gym. Of course it was raining hard, but so many cool people braved the weather to come out and share with me their appreciation of my hard and fun work on The Front Row Morning Show.

The gym is awesome! You can actually watch cable tee vee while working out. I bet you can even eat a bowl of chips while doing the stairmaster.

I really want to set up some daily report on my body changing lifestyle. I met some cool trainers who seem to have the technique to get me the six-pack abs I so desire.

I'd settle for a four-pack ab look now rather than the keg that I'm hauling around.

I figure now being 9 days into the New Year and me without a girl in my life, it should be a good time for me to bulk up and get looking really hot.

If I had a relationship right now, I'd be eating all the time, cause that's what happens when you are in love.

But then, I also eat all the time when I'm depressed...

Lonely...

Bored...

Working...

Driving...

Sleeping...

Yes, I once caught myself eating while sleeping when the light from the open refrigerator door shocked me awake.

Boy, you know I love working out in a gym!

Okay, just because I've never done that, doesn't mean I won't get around to it some day. Cause that's where giggles take shape...

Least when I'm there.

Today between 11AM and 1PM I'll be making a personal appearance and doing somewhat of a radioshow at The Summit Gym at 3150 Fowler Avenue, suite 106 Clovis, CA 93611.

If you aren't in the area, you can write me, or send a postcard, I doubt if they'll pass it on, but the thought of you doing it touches me.

If you are around, I would like very much meeting you. Don't let the fact that it's a gym freak you out. Sure there's likely a few hard-bodies around pumping it all up, but I'll be there too. I'm very nonthreatening when it comes to muscles. I like using the muscles in my heart...

Lifting you with my sweet words. Romantic whispery voice. Glistening bedroom eyes. After I've made you wet with sweat, beating heavy heart, moistened soft skin, cool clean pores, I'll carry you to the steam room with thoughts of passion, love, and lunch.

Hopefully you're buying cause I'm gonna be hungry after burning fat talking my head off nonstop on the radio.

This will really be my first personal appearance in this area sanction by the radio station, so it means a lot to me that you'll show up and make me seem popular to the powers that be.

But I really want to finally meet you, or if I've already met you, meet you again.

Wow...

I've really become dependent on contact with the outside world. I've become needy.

Tonight; no messages on my answering machine, no e-mails from friends, no nude photos sent from listeners of the radio show...

What gives?

How can there be more important things in everyone's life than me? Don't they revolve around what's going on in my world? One day of quiet, and I feel like I've fallen off the face of the Earth.

Didn't anyone think I might be interested in hanging out on a Friday Night?

Isn't there at least one lonely girl that would have liked to see a movie?

Isn't there one dude that would have liked to show me around the local strip clubs?

Isn't there one stripper who would have given me a lapdance? Maybe even one the house? Free drink?

Ahhhh, screw all of you!

I don't need ya!

I'll just sit here in my empty house all alone thinking about Brad Pitt and Jennifer Anniston breaking up, while slowly plucking one hair at a time off my body.

Smooth...

Today I got drunk again!

That's not that great of news to some that already know I got drunk on New Years, but those that know me know I hardly drink at all.

Here's the kicker!

I got drunk at about 7AM and stayed drunk till I passed out at 3PM.

My friend Brad was also drunk with me. I blame him for this.

Okay, it was my idea, but he certainly didn't argue.

I drove drunk. Bad idea. Don't recommend it. I did make it home fine, though while driving found myself forgetting I was driving and began looking out the passenger window to observe the view of the city as it passed by.

Then, it took a good twenty minutes to park my car in the garage and once it was successfully done, engine shut off, garage door down, I found that I was parked to close to the wall and couldn't get my door open more than a few inches.

Damn!

I had to dig back into my pocket for the keys. Not easy to do while sitting. Dropped the keys between the seat and emergency brake and for about ten minute had to squeeze my hand down into tight places to find them.

I ended up napping in the car.

No head ache yet.

Okay, I now know how to control weather!

I am like a God!

If I plan on doing something that requires rain and it's already raining, the sun will come out!

If I plan on laying out in the sun with models for a photo shoot that I've paid in advance for... Rain!!!

Farmers? I'm available to; end droughts, flooding, locusts and date your daughters.

I just spent more money in the last week than I've spent in some time. I just bought a new iBook, tons of software and an iSight webcam to enhance the viewing pleasure of all my pervert fans and stalkers.

Thanks to my friends at Apple for all their help and continued support of my addiction spending money and reducing all my privacy to nonexistence.

I know I can right all this off at the end of the year, but as soon as I get my Church started... Even that won't be a problem.

Are you ready to join and donate funds to my Porno Church?

Today was much better than Yesterday and possible not as good as Tomorrow will be...

Hopefully.

I've still been blocking days in my week to interview possible candidates for maids in my new home.

Today was one of them. She's very nice. Sweet. Cute. Spanish, with what seems to be a touch of Asian. Interesting mix.

She perused my pad and notice my extensive Foreign Film DVD Collection and pointed out my "Once Upon A Time In Mexico" and turned, smiled and gave me a thumbs up.

"You like Mexicans?"

"Sure, who doesn't?"

"Ha!" she said and continued through my place.

I don't think of "Once Upon A Time In Mexico" as a Foreign film, but next to my Russian, French, Japanese, and Bollywood Indian Musical collection... I'm sure it stood out to her.

I heard her in my bedroom and thought I might ought to run in there to see if I left any dirty undies on the floor.

She was already straightening my sheets on the bed. She was on her knees bentover. Nice round sweet ass looking up and wiggling at me.

She was on her knees because I currently sleep on a futon flat on the floor. But seeing her bent over made me reconsider the idea of me getting a bed frame. I liked this view a lot!

Her right flip-flop dropped off her foot and she got up to walk around to fluff up the pillows. She ignored her shoe and kicked off the left one. Now she was barefooted with the most perfect feet I have ever seen in this room. They are the only feet other than mine I have seen in here, but still...

She noticed me looking at her feet.

"I love bare feet on carpet, you?"

Damn, she is hot!

"I love my toes to feel the fur of the carpet." She continued looking me in the eyes.

"Yes, the fur of the carpet."

Mmmm. I'm an idiot.

If this girl can cook, I'm blowing a gasket right now!

Today was a horrible series of heartbreaking, pride swallowing, bend over and take it like a man confrontations that had no possible happy outcome other than just petering out with a whimper.

My head ached all day.

Sure, could still be a bit of the hangover.

I doubt it. Feels like a tumor and not the good kind.

I was just so depressed today. I talked with my brother and he could tell I was bummed out on the phone. The conversation ended quickly, because why waste the price of a long distance call on a depressed person?

Maybe it's the weather? I like rain. I like overcast skies. I like it chilly. But maybe it's gotten to me.

People are warning me about the summer heat and how I've never seen or felt anything like it.

Boy, that's something to look forward to...

I was trying to calm my head by listening to Jean Marsh read a Rod Serling short story that was used as an episode of "The Twilight Zone" called, "The Lonely."

I love this story about a man sentence to life for killing a driver who ran over his wife in a hit and run. The Law has placed him on an asteroid in deep space, but close to a Sun. It's like a desert. He's all alone.

Then the supply ship lands with food and stuff and they bring with him a female android to keep him company.

A bit like a high-tech blow up doll, he first hates it and wants to kill it, but slowly he falls in love with her. It's really one of the greatest love stories you could ever hear.

He is no longer a prisoner because of his love for her.

Then some years later the supply ship returns damaged because of a meteor shower and they tell him the courts have released him from his life sentence. They are ordered to take him back to Earth.

He's so excited, but then the tell him they can't take the girl because of weight constraints.

He's decided to stay with her, but they refuse and they shoot and destroy the female android to get him to leave.

It's incredibly sad.

There's a part where he's looking out the window as the ship flies off and he sees a scarf of hers blowing in the heat of the desert.

One of the opening lines is something to the affect, "the land was the surface of a hot stove."

I love that! And imagine that's what my first coming summer will be here.

Minus the female android.

But I do want one...

Yeah, I know... Me too brother.

I do eat here too much. I told you I have a sickness. Something inside my sick brain makes me believe the day I don't eat here some horrible disaster will befall me or the World.

Silly I know.

I'm working on it.

It did seem to help with my horrible headache. I love iced tea! It's such a Southern Thing I guess. My brother brews tea by putting it in a big glass jug and letting it set out in the sun. But he likes it sweet with sugar. I hate that!

I like brewed tea straight, on the rocks, shaken not stirred and served by a hot looking lady in a waitress outfit. Which makes it hard to drink at my house cause the chicks I bring over; One, don't wanna play dress up and Two, aren't too into serving me.

I think my problem is I fall for strong independent woman who have minds of their own, opinions, smart, and don't need or want to be around me.

There are those few brave women and girls who venture out of their comfort zones, where they're used to being hit on by desperate men, and feel compelled to ask me out. However 11 out of 10 times these girls are not only Hot, but complete high.

I love when girls work up the nerve to call me, and how they work up that inertia is through getting so wasted all their fear and good judgment is out the window.

I use to be in a very important relationship with a woman. I was so in love, but she was almost always high. I don't smoke. Can't stand smoke of any kind. So to be in a space with smoke with someone you are trying to be close to, it was so hard for me to even see her. The smoke would be so thick and my eyes all watery and I kept tripping over the bongs and her friends laying on the floor.

One of those friends was a friend of mine and his girlfriend was like me, so we started hanging out together while our significant others were getting stoned.

Then we started banging each other and it was finally great to be in a woman who didn't have to self medicate to be intimate with me.

But she still loved her dopey boyfriend and the sex started getting weened off of our time together.

It takes a strong gal to be with me. There's no room for pussies when it comes to handling my suitcase full of troubles.

I need a take charge kinda woman that will make all the moves and make all the choices and pay all my bills on time.

Plus, laundry, cooking and cleaning.

But what she'll receive in love is almost too much for me to even make up at this moment.

I'm sure it would be a lot of wonderful things that I could bring to the table if I put my mind to in, but I got so much going on right now with my daily rituals of eating at Red Robin, going to bookstores, renting DVD's, making porn videos, writing silly stories...

Is there really a space in my life for a bossy chick constantly nagging me and causing me trouble?

I have a Hollywood writer friend... He's made some Big Movies. He told me his strategy of life when it comes to the ladies.

He rents girls.

Okay call it prostitution...

Whenever he went to one of those important parties, he hired an Escort. All of the ones I ever saw, except for one girl were so beautiful. At these parties other women would see him with these almost Supermodel women and later some of these other women would call him up.

It's like women are so competitive with each other. I had so many opportunities to bang other chicks when I was married, but because I was with the love of my life, my soul-mate, the only woman for me, I did nothing.

Now that I'm divorced...

Still nothing.

But I blame myself.

I believe I have too high a standard for a woman. It's idiotic! Just look at me! What great prize am I?

But who knows, maybe something wonderful is about to happen. Maybe I'm the one who will change the world. Maybe I will soon be the thing all men want to be. Maybe all the world's calenders will change to BJ and AJ for Before Jerry and After Jerry. Maybe you should jump on the bandwagon to be my friend now and avoid the rush.

Cause once the lines start piling up, how can you squeeze in? Take a number.

All the fun goes down the toilet in the end...