This is my friend and also one of the great living actors of our time, Kevin Tighe.

He is a great guy who you might remember from his evil portrayals in John Sayles films and also in a recent fantastic role as an evil doctor in "Law & Order: Criminal Intent."

I'd love to tell you this is a shot of me directing him in my new film, however...

Oh what the hell! I directed him in this shot.

Also, in case you haven't noticed, I have a New Interview on my Radio Show that you can listen to by clicking on the link on the Left of the page. Hear James Curtis talk about W. C. Fields, Preston Sturges and James Whale in this fun and exciting interview.

James is a fantastic author and a really great guy who is always investigating the truth behind legends of old Hollywood. If you want to learn about the past of Hollywood, to help understand it's future and possibly your place in it, I recommend his work highly.

Maybe someday he'll write a book about you.

But you'll have to become a legend first, then he'll have to live to be over 200 years old...

Well, maybe it's just easier to be yourself and read about others.

What's long, sleek and fun to ride and worth $10Million?

Neiman Marcus Is Selling A Zeppelin For $10M!

What can you get me as a sweet gift? How about a personal zeppelin? The 12-seater could be mine for a mere $10 million from the 2004 Neiman Marcus Christmas Book.

The annual catalog of gifts is one of my favorites while toilet reading.

When I was a kid I would lay down in front of the fireplace and dream of all the cool things I would get if only God heard my prayers and answered them instead of constantly laughing and throwing obstacles in my path and cursing me with my hideous looks.

Still...

I loved looking at the catalog with a nice cup of hot tomato soup and a grilled cheese sandwich that my mom would make for me.

Once, there was a kit on how to build your own Flying Saucer in Popular Mechanics. I was so excited that I started doing odd jobs to save up enough money to order the plans.

My school work suffered as I worked long hours trying to save up the cash to make my dreams of traveling to the Stars a reality.

I remember many times coming home late after some grueling and heartbreaking money making scheme to find my mother crying over a cold dinner wondering why her little boy would subject himself to working as a male stripper just so he could leave his Home World and visit aliens on other planets.

She didn't understand...

Finally after three horrible years of grinding, gyrating, shaking my package in the faces of wealthy older women and humiliating myself with after work private parties where I would have to perform sexual favors to lonely housewives, I was able to collect a total of $12.00.

That was all I needed to order those detailed schematics and escape the binds of gravity that held me down to this awful place.

I sent off the money.

Months crawled by...

Then I received a notice that the company had gone out of business and that my money would not be refunded.

Hmmm.

Seems the Government shut them down. The Man just doesn't want the truth out there about alien technology.

Check this out!

What's long and hard and full of seamen?

A Submarine!

Neiman Marcus even has a Sub you can buy me!

The two-seat, 22-foot-long submarine can dive 1,500 feet and cruise at 8 knots. Unlike a conventional submarine, it descends by using thrust instead of ballast.

We could make out in it! You could go down on me as we go down and explore lost treasures!

The Neiman Marcus book first appeared in 1926 with a 16-page offering of unusual gifts. Items have ranged from a $35 million Boeing jet to many gifts under $100. But I don't want any of those.

Get me the Zeppelin, or the Submarine, or if you really love me...

Both!

I'll even share.

Plus, with the skills I acquired by performing dances of the erotic nature, I bet I could be entertaining and enjoyable to be around.

How you can make photos of you sell for $98,000!

This is Brigitte Bardot. You've probably never heard of her unless someone older than you was comparing Pam Anderson to someone.

Anyway, she's turning 70!

So you have some time to catch up.

A Dutch man's vast collection of memorabilia tracing the former French film star's career goes auction in Paris.

Some 8,500 posters, photographs, magazine covers, postcards, books, records and other items will be up for sale at the Drouot auction house in central Paris.

Among the items up for sale are original posters from the 1956 film "And God Created Woman", which made Bardot an international star, and from the 1963 movie "Le Mepris" (Contempt), now difficult to find on the memorabilia market.

Chayette and Cheval, the company managing the sale, estimates the total value of the collection at some 80,000 euros (98,000 dollars).

So here's how you can do it:

Be sexy. Come on try... Let me see. I might be able to help you.

Look really good.

Let me take some photos of you. Some sexy, some sweet, some nude, but mainly nude.

Let's make some movies. Make of few in France, some in French, mainly in the nude.

Make some songs with you singing.

Start a Foundation to help animals.

Make a lot of stuff with your sexy, mainly nude image on them and get some guy to devote his whole life collecting these items.

Then, when you are 70, we'll auction them off for a big price. I know you can do it!

Hope you don't mind hanging out with me for all those years being sexy and nude in my presence while I create and document your every move.

Stop waiting! Be a Sex Goddess!

I can help!

This is Kelli driving to out here to LA so she can rescue me!

In response to my last posting:

"Jerry Lentz" lentz2001@yahoo.com

Subject: Here is the Cure for Depression

Dear Jerry,

I have realized the reason you are depressed. It is not because your happiness died at all, you have it all wrong. It is because you need to get rid of that ugly ass hat and buy a new shirt to wear.

You wear the same thing in all of your pics. I'm concerned if you are regularly changing your clothes.

Please throw away that freaking hat and t-shirt and go get a cool hat that will make you happy.

Also, do not wear stretched out gray t-shirts. Find something with a collar that has some purple in it (or green)!

I swear if I have to come out to LA and make you buy some new clothes I will.

While you are at it, buy some new shoes... not because I think your shoes are tired (as I have never seen them) but I think that a new pair of shoes will cheer up anyone.

Lots of love, Warm Regards,

Kelli

She is absolutely right about my fashion funk! People have tried the intervention, but one stylist friend described it as a "Transition Phase" before the "full on" New look begins.

But that "Transition Phase" has to end!

But what should I wear?

I like Tom Ford stuff if anyone wants to send me some freebies!

This is my friend Alla. She is sad because her sweet dog has died. He was only 8 years old.

I wish I could make her happy, but sometimes a death takes time getting over. You just have to let grief take it's course.

I was thinking about my depression and I have come to the conclusion that it is the sadness over the death of my happiness.

I use to be a happy lil' kid, but found the world a scary, mean and ugly place. The World was actually fine, but those that occupied it were horrible. It is like, "Where the Wild Things Are," But where they do kill and eat you.

I think the safest person for me to be around is myself.

Though, come to think of it, I did walk into the door today. I also burned my hand testing the bath water. Then later bit my lip eating.

Okay, I'm not the safest person to be around!

I have a huge roll of bubble-wrap that I purchased in case I ever have anything to ship. Now I'm thinking of making a suit to protect myself from dangers I encounter being me.

But then, I'd just spend all my time popping the bubbles. I love doing that...

That's one joy I can think of that makes it worth being alive!

Why should I be so sad and always looking down when I walk? There are Blue Skies and tall Palm Trees and cute girls and funny lil' dogs...

But then they all die don't they?

Even Blue Skies?

I hope there is a Heaven and if there is a Hell, please let this be it, so what ever is next is the good stuff.

That's a good thought!

Hey, I'm looking up now!

This is Brooke. Once a famous child Star, now just a seriously Hot Actress.

She's hamming it up and looking sexy, but that's because she knows she's safely separated from me by a thick pane of glass.

I'm in rather a bit of a funk today.

I don't know why.

I couldn't find anything fun or worthwhile to do today. There are plenty of things to do, but I didn't feel like doing any of them.

I got kind of serious and asked my friend Kelli in Austin, How many friends she would say she has?

After a bit of counting she said, "16."

I don't think I have very many GOOD friends. I have acquaintances, but not too many friends.

I think it's hard out here in LA. Some people will try and make you think they have good friends, but the ones they think are friends, are just using them.

Sometimes it's better to be used, than be lonely, and I think people will settle for that...

Not me.

I try and keep my lifestyle just under the poverty level, so people won't be trying to use me to better their lives.

And I know that's the wrong way for me to live my life.

Merry Yom Kippur (YOHM ki-PAWR) to all my fellow Jew friends today is Lit.

But don't light up!

It's Day of Atonement. A day set aside for fasting, depriving oneself of pleasures, and repenting from the sins of the previous year. Also called Jerry's daily life!

So just try and meet me at Roman's, or the Village Pizzeria...In other Jewish News, the guy who took full frontal nude pics of Dr. Laura, L.A. radio veteran Bill Ballance died.

I still run into oldtimers that use to listen to him on KFWB and his show called, "Feminine Forum."

I know plenty of young ladies who want to be just like Dr. Laura. They'll even pose nude just like she did. Just to be like her.

I don't listen to her show, but I would think she thought it was a mistake to pose nude as she did, but I might be wrong about that. She might be proud!

She use to work for Bill Ballance and I believe they were also fooling around.

I've seen the pictures of her as Bill Ballance and I use to share the same manager and when the pics came out, I just had to see them.

I'm not opposed to nudity at all and don't want to come across as a prude, because I believe a woman should be able to be in command of her own body, so if a girl wants to prove she's in power and pose nude because she can... I'm all for it.

It would be a great world if everyone that posed nude only did so for their lover. And that lover that took the photos would never share or sell share them to anyone else.

But really would that be a great world?

I dunno...

We could try it and see if we liked it. Let me takes some pics of you, if we like 'em we keep 'em, if not... Delete.

But if you want to share them, I guess we could put them on my website. We just won't charge anyone to see them, then it's like a business. This is art!

Free!

I'll pose for you, but you really wanna see that? I don't.

Let me workout for a few years first and get a good waxing, then we'll see. I don't mind waiting.

We can just take your nude pics first while we wait.

I'll even call you, "Dr."

This is one chick I want to play Doctor with so bad!

This is Kelli, my future wife from Austin. I know you've read about her before, but this is her getting all dolled up by her stylist for her date with Tom Cruise.

She is so in love with him.

She doesn't even care that he loves LRH more and will never love as much.

I too love LRH. however my LRH is not L. Ron Hubbard, my LRH is Low-Rise Hanes:

Comfort Flex(TM) Low-Rise Brief! An Ultra-Soft Blend of Cotton and Spandex!

Features:
Comfortable cotton/spandex blend provides a better fit and moves with you and keeps my balls nice and snug just as if Tom was cupping them in his nice soft hands.

The ultra-plush waistband doesn't snag my treasure trail.

The stylish Classics logo on front waistband lets me know which way to step into them.

The stylish lower cut design makes my dick look somehow bigger.

They're available in White, Black, and Gray Heather.

I personally love the Gray Heather. Not only does it hide the mess if I fail to wipe properly, but I just love the name, "Gray Heather."

I'm going to call my band, "Gray Heather."

Because it's cool and because, "Mandonna" was already taken.

Fabric Content:
Cotton 96%, Spandex 4%

I love these babies!

I think I look very sexy in them. I want to show you a picture of me in them, but for some reason as I was taking the picture my camera broke.

Weird and surprisingly sad.

It seems from a lot of the e-mails I get from readers of this page, or just those unlucky few who have stumbled across it while searching for pics of Lindsay Lohan's boobies...

Many believe, that I "have the life."

Sure I do have many pics of me hanging with girls and stuff, but you don't know what I have to do and how much I have to pay to actually drag them into the photo.

This pic was fun. The girls are all smiles and giggling. That's because I'm not wearing pants.

I'm actually a very shy person. I'm not dating anyone. Have two full time jobs. Keep to myself. Keep a diary of all my thoughts and events of the day hoping that just writing about it will make something good happen.

I woke up early this morning very sad.

The dream I was having seems to be a reoccurring dream of a woman who knows me, yet I don't know her and she is sad because I don't remember her.

Weird, I know.

She's like a Spirit and the wall between us is the one that separates world of the living from the one of the dead.

She's like some siren crying that we can't be together. I see her in the dreams and it feels like I've know her for a thousand years.

But the dream also might just be shell shocked night tremors and flashbacks recalling my marriage.

Some soldier back home wake in the night still thinking they're in the shit.

Some that are divorced wake in the night wondering if it was all just a dream.

A dream to some. A Nightmare to others.

I miss being with someone. I miss sleeping at night feeling a warm body laying next to me. Being able to roll over and kiss the soft smooth neck.

Yet there is that freedom to feel comfortable enough to fart without fear of reprisal.

You can sleep late without the guilt.

On your days off, you can be in your underwear all day without getting dressed or yelled at... As long as you don't leave the house that way.

Still, having someone with you does make you want to try to be better. As long as that person doesn't constantly cut you down, or roll their eyes at ever idea or opinion you have.

Being a Gemini, I should be my own best friend and not need anyone else, but I love hearing other people tell me about their lives, hopes and dreams. Plus, I actually hate myself and that's a drawback for any Gemini, cause it takes twice the effort to hate yourself.

I love just hanging out and talking with people.

Nothing is better than bouncing ideas off each other.

I wish I could meet that woman in my dreams. Maybe she's just the other part of me that is hidden deep inside me. Like when Kirk got separated from himself in that Star Trek episode, or when that woman took over his body and he played it all Gay.

Gee, I hope if that is a woman inside me, that it doesn't mean I'm Gay and repressing those feelings.

But, I guess if I had a man inside me then I'd definitely be Gay.

I can't be Gay. No way. I love Gay people, but I can't stand the smell of ass.

And I believe that's a prerequisite of being Gay. The smell of ass to a Gay guy is like the smell of Krispy-Kreme donuts.

I like to think that that woman in my dream is actually some soul waiting to reunited with me in some New Age-y way after I've merged with the Infinite. I know it's silly to think things like that...

Cause man, it would suck to find out I'm Gay.

A 67-year-old woman was killed when a three-meter tall metal crucifix fell on her head in a small southern Italian town.

I would never let that happen to you, cutie.

The cross, which has been in the main square on Sant'Onofrio for decades, fell on Maddalena Camillo while workers were setting up lights for an annual religious festival.

Do you have a cross to bear? Or is it bare?

Italy, home to the Vatican City, is a predominantly Roman Catholic country where crucifixes and religious icons and effigies are a common sight in most towns and villages, but rarely protruding from the skulls of old ladies.

Many people have asked why would God let this happen?

I believe, he may be laughing his ass off.

Going to church just isn't safe.

Then again, what do we really know about this woman? Maybe she was a vampire? A crucifix is like Raid to them bloodsuckers.

Sometimes the metal becomes highly magnetized, charged by the ionosphere and lightning... This woman may have had a steal plate in her head?

Clearly it was God's will to squash this woman, so we should celebrate. Celebrate by joining my church and having sex with me.

What?

Are you an infidel?

No men are allowed in my church by the way. Sorry, but that's what the Bible says...

The Bible I have written right here in this Mead College Rule 5 Subject spiral notebook.

Now bow down and worship me!

Woman Looking for Cat Finds Fake Grenade!

That's what the Headlines said.

A woman looking for a cat in an abandoned house came across what appeared to be a grenade dangling from the ceiling of a room and apparently rigged to explode if someone came through a window.

The grenade turned out to be fake, the type sold at novelty stores, and did not have any explosive materials.

The woman lives two doors down from the house, discovered the device while looking for her cat, which entered the structure through a broken window. The device, attached to a bungee cord, was dangling from the ceiling.

I was really disappointed in the story because I thought the woman was looking for Cat Stevens.

How many times has someone gone looking for pussy and then they nearly get their head blown off?

I've been thinking of starting my own church as many of you know. Cause I believe cult leaders get the best sex if you come up with the right religion. One that makes it good to have sex with the guy in charge is a good focal point to any new religion one is scrapping together.

I was driving back from Roman's last night where my friend Steve gave me the New version of "THX:1138" on DVD as a gift, when I saw a fight breakout between two rival Kerry and Bush supporters on Ventura.

I was just sitting there at the light as these two big SUV's pulled over with screaming and yelling people piling out to get in each others faces.

One old guy grabbed his Bush sign and broke it over the head of the drive wearing a Kerry t-shirt. Then a guy who looked a bit like Michael Moore stepped out and pushed the old man down.

I looked over at the car next to me and a woman also watching was frantically calling on her cellphone. I think she was calling the Police. The car in front of me had a teenage girl in the passenger seat that appeared to be so upset she began crying.

I turned back to the fight and everyone had stopped to pick up the old man from the sidewalk and a cameraman stepped out from behind one of the trucks. Turns out they were filming something for a TV show I guess.

I looked back at the woman on the cellphone and she was flipping out pissed.

The light turned Green. My heart was racing from the fear that an actual fight had broken out. We all slowly drove from the Intersection. And KROQ began playing their third Rage Against the Machine song in the last hour.

The world is my expense
The cost of my desire
Jesus blessed me with its future
And I protect it with fire
So raise your fists
And march around
Just don't take what you need
Ill jail and bury those committed
And smother the rest in greed
Crawl with me into tomorrow
Or Ill drag you to your grave
I'm deep inside your children
They'll betray you in my name

Hey, Hey
Sleep now in the fire
Hey, Hey
Sleep now in the fire

The lie is my expense
The scope of my desire
The party blessed me with its future
And I protect it with fire
I am the Nina The Pinta The Santa Maria
The noose and the rapist
The fields overseer
The agents of orange
The priests of Hiroshima
The cost of my desire
Sleep now in the fire

Hey, Hey
Sleep now in the fire
Hey, Hey
Sleep now in the fire

For its the end of history
Its caged and frozen still
There is no other pill to take
So swallow the one
That made you ill
The Nina The Pinta The Santa Maria
The noose and the rapist
The fields overseer
The agents of orange
The priests of Hiroshima
The cost of my desire
Sleep now in the fire

Yeaaaaaah

Sleep now in the fire
Sleep now in the fire
Sleep now in the fire
Sleep now in the fire

I got home and started to look at some video I had shot of girls acting in my movie, "American Girlfriend X," and while excited by the talent of these actresses, I became depressed at the amount of work that still needed to be done.

I popped in "THX:1138" even though I just watched it the other day from Netflix. I watched the documentaries and really enjoyed them. I got to see my friend Willard Huyck talk in it about going to USC and other things from back in the day.

Where is the new group, the new wave of filmmakers hanging out now? Will they let me hangout with them?

Maybe if I bring cool looking chicks with me...This is Tatyana. She's a very famous Russian actress/dancer. She is huge in Russian, Brooklyn, and now notorious in Miami, Studio City and soon the World.

She is considering being part of my repertoire of actors, but says she doesn't want to do any of the dirty things.

That's fine.

I will be doing all the dirty stuff, just not on camera, maybe later while I'm editing. I sometimes edit in a raincoat.

Singer Cat Stevens denied entry, you wouldn't deny me entry would you?

The former pop singer Cat Stevens, now known as Yusuf Islam, was denied entry to the United States and his flight from London was diverted to Maine, after his name turned up on a watch list.

Can you imagine being beheaded by Cat Stevens?

Cat Stevens had such hits in the early 1970s including "Moonshadow" and "Wild World" before converting to Islam in late 1977.

I loved his work. Ever see the movie, "Harold and Maude?" That movie wouldn't be the same without his music.

Once when I was in the 7th Grade there was a girl, Teressa Godwin, who I had the biggest crush on, who was in the 9th Grade. Older women!

She was a tough, cool, chick. She was like a preteen Tura Satana from Russ Meyer's, "Faster Pussycat, Kill! Kill!."

Anyway, once I was visiting her brother and we ended up hanging with her in her room. On her wall was a Cat Stevens poster. She was so in love with him.

A few months later I walking home from school down an old dirt road in Missouri and she was hiding in the trees. I found this out when she threw a rock at me.

"Come here you gotta see this." She yelled down to me.

"Where up in the tree?"

"No. Up this hill."

We walked up the wooded hill in to a clearing that sloped with a large rock the jutted straight out of the ground.

"What am I looking for?" I said.

She was leaning up against a tree in cut off shorts, knotted up t-shirt with her belly showing and big Elton John sunglasses.

"You don't see it?" She moved closer to me.

She took her gum out with it stuck to her index finger and kissed me hard.

I was so shocked, scared, and excited.

"You wanna touch my thumbs?" She lifted up her shirt to show me her nice round breasts.

She called her breasts, "Thumbs." I don't know why. Maybe it was less dirty.

I touched them.

"You can pinch my erasers, too." She whispered in my ear.

She also called her nipples, "Erasers."

...You got me.

But touch them I did. Those erasers erased all time that day. We must have sat on the rock, with me playing with her boobies like I was tuning an old radio all day into the night.

"Put your hand down my pants. I want you to feel my fuzz." She whispered as she forced my hand down her shorts.

I did. Nice.

"Okay. If you tell anyone. I swear I will kick your ass. Don't even talk to me at school. Don't even look at me. Understand?" She ordered me to leave as she dressed.

Teressa stuck her finger in her mouth to remove the gum from it for more chewing.

I went out the very next day and got my mom to pay for a Cat Stevens album.

Even to this day, if I think of Cat Stevens, his music, or even Islam.. I think about my hand down Teressa's shorts.

Russ Meyer passed away the other day, so this posting goes out to him and his groundbreaking work.

In his honor, I will tonight have sex with a tough, big breasted, motorcycle riding, Go-Go dancer, and eat a great meal at Roman's in Studio City.

I've got the meal worked out to where it's a possibility, just need the other part of the plan figured out.

Maybe you can help...

This is my friend Alla. I think she's really pretty here, but much better in person.

I can't wait for you to see her in my new film that I haven't made with her yet.

When I first met her, I wondered if she was named after the Russian silent film actress Alla Nazimova who's "The Garden of Allah" was a major party place in old Hollywood written about in a wonderful old book by Sheila Graham...

So I asked my young Russian friend Alla about it and she said, "Whaaa?"

She's too young to care about such old things.

I wanted to tell you how our date was, how much fun we had, all the juicy stuff...

But I won't.

I thought it would be fun to write all about it here so her boyfriend could read it and then let him know the gag was on him, but fear of getting my ass kicked took over.

I had a strange experience.

As many of you know, I sometimes volunteer my time to help out at an old Hollywood retirement home. I like hearing their stories, I read to some of them, and when things are really cooking, I change their bedpans.

Woo Hoo!!!

There is a very sweet gal named Nella, who was an old contract dancer for the Dumont Network back in the day. Lately she's been down in the dumps because our friend Ned just passed away there and he was quite a character.

I believe he was in fact a character actor.

I was reading to Nella a book about WC Fields by James Curtis that my friend and guest relations/PR man Lee Wiggins sent me.

It's great and I can't wait to interview James Curtis about Fields and James Whale who directed "Frankenstein," and who "Gods and Monsters" was based on.

I was just getting to the part where Mae West and WC team up and she really and truly helps Fields by defining his character and then...

Nella stops me.

She reaches over from her bed and holds my forearm with her frail and tiny hands.

She shakes me.

"This isn't for you." She says with her high, tiny Jewish voice.

"Excuse me?"

"Jerry, that was my time. You need to live your time and stop reading about mine. Go outside and be in your time."

She laid back on her bed.

"You want me to stop reading to you?" I ask.

"I love you reading to me, but I'd love it more if you went out that front door and met a wonderful young lady and lived your life." That all seemed to take the wind out of her and she fell asleep.

I didn't know what to make of it. I walked around in a bit of a daze, then started to leave.

On the way out I run into Bianca the Hispanic woman that cares for most everyone there and who I call Nurse Ratchet, even though she has no idea why.

"Nella told me a secret about you, Yesterday." Bianca said.

"What she say?"

Bianca told me Nella called me a Saint.

I was shocked and very flattered for an old Jewish lady to momentarily cross over to Catholicism to call me a Saint.

I thought of all the time I spend with her and how none of her kids ever come to visit her and there's no one to love her.

"A Saint! That's wonderful!" I say to a Catholic Bianca.

Then Bianca's face completely turns sour.

"I didn't say ""A Saint"" I said, """Insane!"""

"Wait! She said I was insane?" I couldn't believe it.

Bianca giggled and slid the little window between us shut. Through the frosted glass I could hear her cackling.

That would be the last time I read to that old creepy bitch.

But, you know what? As I drove home, I thought maybe Bianca misunderstood Nella. Maybe Nella was just saying what she had said to me about living in the present and not living so much in a past that I never lived because I think it is safer for me.

But then maybe she thinks I'm insane...

I do get lots of people asking me why I read old books, or books about people from the past?

I dunno. Maybe it is safer than living in our current world.

I got a few e-mails about my Sophia Loren posting.

Subject: How you too can become a Sex Goddess!
From: "Alice Amter" �

I've been told I look like her since I was 5 yrs old!

Nice to know there's people out there who still appreciate this iconic figure.

Since we share a common love for Sophia I thought I'd respond.

To: Alice

Hey Alice Amter,

Thanks for responding! Well, if you've been told you look like her... You have to send me a picture!

I think I find myself watching old movies more than the new ones.

Thanks.



To: Alice

Hey Alice Amter,

Oh my God! You are amazing! I've never wanted to be Lewis Carroll so bad.

Will you be my girlfriend?

Can I be your Carlo Ponti?

I'll even worship you from a far if you can't stand my appearance!

Have you ever been in any movies?

Thanks.

To: "Jerry Lentz"
From: "Alice Amter" �

Thank you, Who is Lewis Carroll?

You can worship me from afar if you like....

Can't be your girlfriend I'm afraid and I've no idea what you look like... and yes I have been in some movies......but nothing Sophia Loren -esque unfortunately....are you a writer????

Cheers

I told her, He wrote Alice in Wonderland and was in love with the little girl who Alice is based on.

White Rabbit is from Alice in Wonderland...

Hey come on... Look at her! Would you spend your time reading if you looked like that?

>You can worship me from afar
> if you like....

Thanks! I guess that's how it will be...

> Can't be your girlfriend I'm afraid and I've no
> idea what you look like...

That may be best. I've been told I look like Vin Diesel if you are high on crack at the time.

>Why don't you
> send a pic?

Because it would end our already wonderful relationship. My pics are all over my website as is most of my writing.

Chow!

And end it, it did.

Damn! My genetics! Who pissed in my gene pool?

Speaking of genetics...

Don't you think Macaulay Culkin should play John Waters?

Would you rather see Miss America Crowned, or Drowned?

No harm intended. I don't know any of them. They're probably all nice bitches.

Same goes for Emmy winners.

Losers too!

Let's face it, I'm sick of glossy, perfect, airbrushed and fake women.

And it's not just because they'll have nothing to do with me...

I like women who are tough. And by that I mean, where they don't "need" anybody.

Maybe they just "want" somebody.

I wish that somebody was me!

When I think about the women in history that I admire, they were always the ones that made their own path in life. Maybe they weren't liked by everyone, but to those few who cared, the women were loved!

And remembered!

I gotta stop living in the past and try and find a women in this day and age that walks the path less chosen.

Because the path all the other women take is the one leading away from me!

I want a cool-ass woman grrrl chick! Pioneer women!

But where are they?

Has society beat them down?

Have they moved out of LA?

Were they ever here?

Is there anybody there?

Hello?

Am I just typing this for myself?

I'm thirsty.

I must stop typing and get a drink.

Since no one is reading this, I must remember to pick up some toilet paper, Q-Tips, and some Grapefruit from Ralph's.

Also, pick up some Halloween candy... I know it's early, but I'm bored and I just love those Baby Snickers, plus I'll be Fasting next month and can't eat them then.

Remember to see the first showing of "Sky Cap'n," I don't want to pay full price in case it blows. I don't care about Weekend Opening B.O., I got Netflix and can wait the two months it takes to make it to DVD.

Sophia Loren, the Latin beauty, celebrates her 70th birthday.

My mother loved her! I grew up looking at my mom's movie magazines and even though my mother looked nothing like her, I always identify Sophia Loren with my happy childhood filled with memories of mom cutting out pictures for her scrapbook.

I ate the paste she used to glue in the pics. I was young and stupid.

She is the last great European sex symbol still working, with more than 100 films behind her, while the likes of Brigitte Bardot and Gina Lollobrigida have long since given up film-making.

Mom constantly told me how Sophia Loren always credited her looks to eating lots of pasta.

Not paste.

Mom ate pasta too, but it didn't quite have the same affect on her as it did on Sophia.

Do you eat lots of pasta?

She once said: "Being beautiful can never hurt, but you have to have more. You have to sparkle, you have to be fun, you have to make your brain work, if you have one."

Have you ever seen that great photo of Sophia Loren looking at Jayne Mansfield's boobs falling out onto the dinner table?

Classic!



The secret of her success. "Sex appeal is 50 percent what you've got and 50 percent what people think you've got," she said.

I think it's that mystery that works.

Are you mysterious?

I guess I'm looking for my own Sofia Scicolone.

That's the name she was born under on September 20, 1934, in a Rome clinic to a single mother, Romilda Villani, she grew up in extreme poverty in the rundown Naples quarter of Pozzuoli and, in true Neapolitan style, never forgot where she came from.

See, even Sofia wasn't Sophia Loren, that was just an image she made. Do you like to play act and pretend you are someone else for fun?

You don't have to be her same age, but I like her way of thinking and the way she carried herself.

Curvy is good too, but maybe we can get some pasta and fix that if you're not.

You don't even have to be Latin. The great thing about Sophia is that she was universal. All Goddesses are...

You can be a Goddess too! If you aren't one already.

You just need someone to worship you, to get ya started of course.

And you must have lots of money for your Kingdom!

INVESTING FOR YOUR RETIREMENT:

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have had $16.50

left of the original $1,000.00.

With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.

But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of Beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have had $214.00.

Based on the above, current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

It's called the 401-Keg Plan

This is the cover of Jenna Jameson's new book. I have seen several people reading it and people I knew seem to enjoy it.

Maybe I'll get it, unless the Library gets a copy.

I saw this headline:

Man Tries to Sue Wife for 5-Day Sex Denial!

A Spanish man tried to have his wife charged with domestic abuse because she refused to have sex with him on five consecutive days, Spanish newspaper El Sur reported on Friday.

The man from Seville, the city of Don Juan and Carmen, said her refusals amounted to "degrading treatment" and domestic abuse, a term used more often to describe wife-battering.

I would never deny you sex, even if I was injured, baby.

I hope you would never hold sex over me, unless I was laying flat on the floor and you stood over me putting on a show.

See? I look up to you, sweetness.

Maybe you could put on a fashion show for me. I'll dress up and sit in a folding chair while you do your best runway wearing nothing but your favorite Marc Jacob shoes.

I pretend I'm a buyer for Neiman Marcus and scribble things in my notebook.

I'll act like I'm not interested, but in reality you're my number one "America's Next Top Model."

After your show, we'll hit the after party where you'll get really loaded, we'll score some weed from the doorman and then I'll bend you over the trunk of my hatchback.

What?

Why not?

Are you denying me sex?

Baby please, wait. Let's just sit in my Honda and talk it over. It'll be safe here in this parking garage.

I start telling all the lovey-dovey shit that usually works with you, but you open the passenger door and puke.

I reach over to hold your hair, but you raise up and somehow get it in your head that I was trying to push you out.

I don't know what's wrong with you?

You get all angry and jump out of the car, but you slip in your mess and scuff your Marc Jacobs shoes.

You begin crying poor baby. It's so sad to see you like this. You curl up in a ball. You seem to get smaller and smaller.

That's because I'm watching you from my rear view mirror as I drive away.

Later, soaking in the tub and listening to Art Bell on KFI, I hear you come in.

"You okay?" I ask.

You walk in and look so sad and dirty from walking and taking rides from strangers.

I help you undress and put you in the shower.

I see your shoes are totally ruined, your dress ripped, your money stolen.

I make you some pancakes, fresh squeezed Orange juice, and bacon.

You are fresh and clean. All new. Bright and shinny.

"I shouldn't have denied you sex last night. It would have been so much easier. It was wrong and I've learned my lesson." You tell me with tears in your beautiful eyes.

"It's okay." I say.

"No, it's not! And I hope this will never happen again. I don't want to ever deny you sex and I don't want any girl to deny you sex. As God as my witness, I will do everything I can to see that you and your needs are taken care of... I've brought over some girlfriends of mine to help me take care of you."

With that the door opens and all your cute girlfriends walk in and sit around the kitchen table.

I'm so excited.

I offer to make breakfast for everyone.

"We're going to need our energy to do what we have planned." One of the girls say as I try and pry a slice of toast that has gotten jammed in the toaster. I use a fork to pull it out.

When I wake up in the Hospital, it all seemed like a dream.

I know now that one shouldn't poke a fork into a toaster, but also one shouldn't deny a lover of that most wonderful of gifts... Sex.

Are you ready to give it up?

Maybe not, huh?

I got this seemingly angry response to my recent Selma Blair gag.

From: KttnMarilyn@aol.com
Date: Thu, 16 Sep 2004
Subject: Re: Police found was an oversized XXL bra.
To: lentz2001@yahoo.com

She did NOT get 36HHH's or whatever the hell those are. I assure you.

I wrote: No Marilyn, they are!

Selma also became a Lesbian just for her role in
"Dangerous Liaisons" or whatever that one with Buffy
the Vampire Slayer was called. That's dedication!

She wrote: Also she wasn't in Dangerous Liasions..

I wrote: She is a very serious actress and like the Hemingway gal (whichever one that was) in "Star69," or was that "Star 80?" She too had implants, but HUGE!

She wrote: Dorothy Stratten...Star 80

I wrote: Played by Mariel Hemingway who got implants just for the role as she has said.

She wrote: My friend is her at agent at CAA...

I wrote: I doubt that.

She wrote: You are misinformed. I understand you want to believe it but she didn't.

I wrote: Are you being sensitive or something here? I was joking.

She wrote: She wasn't in Dangerous Liasions..that was
Uma Thurman & there was no lesbianism in it...obviously you like the fantsy of it but it's just not the case...

I wrote: "Cruel Intentions" was a "Dangerous Liaisons" remake, or rip off with co-star Sarah Michelle Gellar teaching her how to kiss.

She then blocked my e-mails to her e-mail account because she realized how silly she was for taking it so seriously, but you can still e-mail her I guess.

While my friend Aaron is making his movie all the way around the world, and eating fried bugs on camera, I get some horrible news that might affect a crucial scene he has written involving a goat that the characters in the film use to traverse a mine field, but actually begin to fall in love with... Before being blown to bits!

--- Aaron,

A soil-borne bacterial infection called melioidosis
has killed 24 people in Singapore this year, making it
more deadly than SARS or bird flu, the health ministry
said on Friday.

The bacteria enter the body when bruised skin comes
into direct contact with contaminated soil or water,
leading to abscesses and blood poisoning. Victims
experience fever, coughing and shortness of breath. In
some cases they develop pneumonia.

Melioidosis is common in Southeast Asia, with cases
concentrated in the area from Vietnam to Myanmar and
Malaysia, the U.S. government's Centers for Disease
Control and Prevention (CDC) says on its Web site
(www.cdc.gov). It is also endemic in northern
Australia.

The CDC says sheep, goats, horses, pigs, cattle, dogs
and cats can also catch the bacteria and spread a
similar disease to humans.

Goats!!!

Fried Bugs!!!

Have a wonderful time! Can I have your house?

Jerry

From: "Aaron Smith"
To: "Jerry Lentz"
Subject: Re: Goats!!!

Hey Jer,

Thanks for the warning.� I'll keep an eye out.� Unfortunately it may be too late for Ilya.� This morning we noticed a huge bruise on his arm, well, more of a hickey really.� Uh, from carrying those damn bags we make him carry!� I'll try to keep him out of the mud and away from goats, but it'll be difficult.

Last night we took the train from Bangkok to Chiang Mai.� We left at 6:00 pm last night and got in around 7:00 this morning.� We had two cabins that connected, and still barely had room to stand up.� We did, however, manage to shoot about 5 pages of stuff while on the train.� That's pretty good since our entire script comes out to less than 50 pages right now.� I made my first appearance, but we forgot to shave my soul patch, so I guess my character will just have to be a little cooler.

It was difficult shooting since we had the absolute loudest compartment on the entire train.� Right above some diesel engine!� Almost anywhere else on the train was better.� And the porter came by about every 20 minutes to try and sell us something, orange juice, dinner, beer...�� Once he spotted the camera, it became more like every 10 min.� We didn't get a whole lot of sleep, but the views were pretty amazing.� You could shoot Thailand as about 15 different places.

We checked into a hotel and are all kinda crashing out right now.� We'll shoot more tomorrow.� For now it's sleep, massage, swim and rest.� One of the waitresses at breakfast has taken a liking to me.� Her name is Sow.� She doesn't look like a sow, but she did bring me bacon.�

Every time I walk by the reception area she smiles and waves.� She says she likes my smile.� I also keep hearing the word, paloi (sp?).�

Apparently it meas fat/large.

Anyhow, they seem to dig it, so you may be able to stay in my house even if I don't get that goat bruise thing.�

Later,

Your man in Chiang Mai

-Aaron

I miss my lil' friend...

"The Ramones" almost all dead, yet "Greenday" still lives?

Where's my Riff Randall?

Johnny Ramone, guitarist and co-founder of the seminal punk band "The Ramones" that influenced a generation of rockers, has died. He was 55.

I use to see him around town and comic conventions. He was so loved and nice to his fans.

Ramone, who had been fighting a five-year battle with prostate cancer, died in his sleep Wednesday afternoon at his Los Angeles home surrounded by friends and family.

At least he was able to say "Goodbye" to those he cared about.

Tommy Ramone is the only surviving member of the original band.

Joey Ramone, died in 2001 of lymphatic cancer.

Dee Dee Ramone, died from a drug overdose in 2002.

See ya, Johnny Ramone!

Where's my Riff Randall? Where's my P.J. Soles?

I am so saddened by this, but I don't want to drink.

I don't want Johnny Ramone to die in vain. I believe he would have wanted all his fans to get together and be nice to each other.

Maybe you and I could hook up for a chat at a cafe?

Maybe we could talk about where we were when we first heard "The Ramones?"

Maybe as I fight back some tears you could move closer and hold me?

Take me back to your place and play your favorite songs and show me old fan letters you wrote to them.

We could later talk about how unfair the world is and what we are going to do with our lives.

You could open a bottle of Charles Shaw you got at Trader Joe's and we could drink one for the boys.

You could ask me to stay the night.

I'll say, "No. I better not. It wouldn't right." But I'll be saying it in that way where I really want you to beg me.

"Okay, maybe your right. Good night!" you said that too quick without a fight.

"Wait." I say stalling for a way to think of staying.

"Maybe I should stay the night just to make sure you'll be okay." I say slowly nodding my head hoping that will have some effect on you.

It doesn't.

I'm walking to my car and I hear footsteps running to me in your apartments parking lot. I turn and see you running up to me.

I'm so excited!

You come up close to me.

"Here, you forgot your keys." you say and with that you turn and run back in to your empty place.

"Thanks." I whisper.

I drive thinking of how my world could have turned out is only the Spirits of "The Ramones" were watching over me. Well not all of them cause Tommy is still alive, but maybe he could phone it in.

I stop at Ralph's to pick up some Grapefruit and when I start to pay, I find that you've stolen my wallet.

Maybe it just fell out at your place.

I go home and sitting on my steps is you and your overnight bag with my wallet in your hand.

Later after we make made passionate love, I check to make sure all the cash is still in my wallet.

It is.

Life can be good.

Today was a day filled with meetings and pressing the flesh.

The flesh wasn't all that great. Some of it was hot and sweaty. Some callused. Some limp.

But the flesh of this chick pictured here was just fine. She is a friend that I've known for a while and always have had great conversations with, but now that is ending as she is moving back home, back East.

I will miss her.

So cheer me up!

My New Radio Show is getting set up. Money is being spent at this very minute on it, unfortunately it's being spent by me.

Hopefully it will be good.

I talked with my friend Steve and asked him, since he's the animation guy, if he's ever see this?

"Frazetta: Painting With Fire" A documentary about the life of Frank Frazetta, whose distinctive landscapes of fierce warriors, princesses, dwarves and dragons have graced the covers of countless fantasy novels and D&D guidebooks.
(2003: 93 min.) Dir. Lance Laspina.

I haven't seen this, but I want to, so hopefully I will.

I hear that Steve and Lance are buddies, so maybe I can get a signed copy of this documentary.

I got a nice e-mail from Bernadette of The Cinematheque about being a videographer.

Dear Jerry,

The Cinematheque always need videographers. I would like to set up an appointment to give you more detail information on the American Cinematheque. Please let me know when you want to set up an appointment.

Sincerely,

Bernadette

Thanks Bernadette!

I had the funniest thing happen this last weekend. I watched
"Audition" and it has as I know you probably already know, cause you're so with it, KCET's Huell Howser American Cinematheque episode as one of the extras on the DVD.

I see Huell almost weekly and today I met Phil Noyes one of his producers. So I told Phil it was just funny to see Huell as part of that DVD.

I told him if any of Huell's older fans were to watch that movie, they might just keel over and die from fear.

Phil hadn't heard about it being part of the DVD.

See what kind of Late Breaking News I am able to provide the industry!

I told Bernadette she could meet with me for lunch in the
Larchmont Village and if she could get some cash from funding to cover the cost of a slice of cheese pizza, she was welcome to buy mine.

I've heard nuthin' back...

I would love to be a part of the American Cinematheque team. Maybe get back into providing material for DVD releases and stuff.

Tonight is a night I've been looking forward to...

Thursday, September 16 - 7:30 PM U.S. Premiere!!
"Henri Langlois: The Phantom of the Cinematheque," 2004, 210 min.

Fresh from its world premiere at Cannes this year, director Jacques Richard's mammoth, 3-1/2 hour portrait of the founder and guiding visionary of the Cin�math�que Fran�aise, Henri Langlois, is an absolute must-see for film lovers.

Featuring a fascinating wealth of archival footage, including interviews with Godard, Truffaut, Chabrol and others, the film traces Langlois' heroic efforts to save world film culture, from the Cinematheque's founding in the 1930s, to its tenacious survival during the WWII Nazi occupation (Simone Signoret recalls carrying contraband prints around in a baby carriage), to its enormous influence on the French New Wave of the 1950s, and to the titanic battles for control of the organization in the late1960s, when Langlois' removal prompted demonstrations and even rioting in the streets of Paris.

Henri Langlois: The Phantom of the Cinematheque

I've been reading and watching so much Godard material lately that I just have to see this!

Then I'll get some French Fries!

Police found was an oversized XXL bra.
This could be like Sinderella.

Can you fit in this Glass Bra?

Glass Bra?

Police in Berlin are searching for an obese couple who have been sneaking into an apartment building to use a woman's private dryer.

The only evidence police found was an oversized XXL bra and a jumbo pair of men's nasty underpants left behind in the dryer.

I would love to share my washer and dryer with you.

As long as your XXL bra was attached to a body like Selma Blair's from John Water's New movie, "A Dirty Shame."

I loved Selma Blair's body before her plastic surgery, but an actress now has to compete in the biz I guess.

I know if the role called for it DeNiro would also get big floppy titties if Marty said so...

You? I like you natural.

Flat or Floppy. Together we could Fluff and Fold our laundry.

It costs .75 to wash and $1.00 to dry in the laundry room at my apartment complex, but if you bring the pizza and iron the clothes, I'll eat and watch you do it.

Maybe we can rent some John Water movies while we wait on the load?

Hey! Did you just call me a "Load?"

Click here to let me know.

Marilyn Kitten wrote:

That's funny! They aren't implants but you knew
that, right? I hope.

Marilyn
=====
No Marilyn,

They are! She is a very serious actress and like
the Hemingway gal (whichever one that was) in
"Star 69," or was that "Star 80?" She too had implants,
but HUGE!

Selma also became a Lesbian just for her role in
"Dangerous Liaisons" or whatever that one with Buffy
the Vampire Slayer was called. That's dedication!

Sent me your pic and I'll see if I have your bra here.

I heard from my friend Aaron who's making a movie:

Hey man,

Writing you from Bangkok.� Got a little footage the first night.� Yesterday we scouted out a few really great seedy hotel rooms to shoot in.� Tonight we're going to start getting our real first scenes.� We're moving over to another hotel today, then going up north for the weekend to shoot some more rural stuff that we don't feel is safe to do in Cambodia.

Talk to you soon.

Your man in Bangkok,

-Aaron

Note to self:

I just came up with an idea for a movie. A bunch of guys go to make a movie in some third world countries and disappear. Sometime later, their film is discovered. The film we are watching is what happened to them... HMMMMMMmmmmmm, aHHHHHHHHHHH, aaaaaaHHHHH, OOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHoooooooooooooo..........

Yeah, it's good and original, but that could never happen...

OR COULD IT!!!!!!

I know, I know... I tried to tell her I was too old for her, but she just wouldn't listen.

Or wait a minute... Maybe it was the other way around.

This is my friend Jenn. I'm sure you've seen her on these pages before, but with all the e-mails I've received from prison folk and shut ins about her, I thought it was time to get her back in pictures.

This is a tip for the amateur photographers:

If you are seated and you can get a girl to hug you in the photo, chances are she'll have to bend over. Then you might be able to look down her shirt.

In Jenn's case, I've digitally altered the image to protect her from perverts like you.

She's my friend so back off!

She's also a Vet.

Have some respect.

No, she hasn't served in a War, but she does wash dogs and cats.

Yeah, she's hot alright!

See the cap I'm wearing?

That's right Mister, it's a Larchmont Village Pizzeria cap straight from the man himself, Steve.

I walked in wearing a Starbucks cap and Steve couldn't take it. He ran in the back, fired some Mexican and took the dude's cap and gave it to me.

It was all part of my plan.

I hated the Starbucks cap because it was like three sizes too small for my larger than life knoggin.

I tried to get a free cap from Roman's by using the same tactics, but my friend Michael totally knew what I was up to and laughed in my face.

The Bastard!

Been e-mailing my cool nephew Sam. Unlike his father, (my brother) Sam doesn't type in all CAPS. I hate that. It makes me feel like someone is yelling at me. Like those voices in my head that just won't stop. STOP! IT!

Thank You.

My brother and his wife and her pet Salmon spend quite a bit of time traveling in an RV. They love it!

They have many friends that they hook up with at various locations and vacation spots.

They have a Monaco, which to me sounds exotic. I saw it once at the Grand Canyon. It is bigger than the apartment I live in.

Sadly this weekend it caught fire and burned down leaving them stranded by the road. They lost everything except the clothes they had on and the Salmon, who was now smoked.

This is really sad to me cause this was their life!

I want to do something for them in the worst way. Maybe if everyone who visits my website and enjoys it could just dig in to their pockets and what ever they have in change at the end of the day, and send me what they can, I could go out an have a good time so I would get my mind off my family's pain.

If enough people could help out maybe I could get a bigger place so I wouldn't constantly compare my place's square footage to that of an RV.

Maybe I could by this cool ass car I saw while getting pizza.




This car, I don't know if you can see it or not, but it has an enclosed massage chair in a bulletproof case that I could ride around in as long as I was wearing sunscreen.

I wouldn't be able to see where I was going, but at least I'd know where I'd been.

That's kind of the way my life is now.

I don't know where I'm going, but I know where I've been. Don't know where I am exactly right now either, but with some cash from readers and fans, I could get a nice GPS thing-a-ma-jig.

This is me driving away...

I mean it.

Better stop me!

You know? Here's one more reason for me to leave California now.

Having sex with corpses is now officially illegal in California after Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger signed a bill barring necrophilia.

Prosecutors didn't have anything to charge these people with other than breaking and entering. But if they worked in a mortuary in the first place, prosecutors couldn't even charge them with that

Lawmakers revived the bill this year after an unsuccessful prosecution of a man found in a San Francisco funeral home drunk and passed out on top of an elderly woman's corpse.

Well who hasn't? Come on people? Who's the victim here?

The new law makes sex with a corpse a felony punishable by up to eight years in prison.

I just realized that last sentence completely describes my ex-marriage.

I been trying to date a Bulgarian, but it ain't working. I have to meet one that also wants to date me. So I joined up on Sladurana and so far have only had conversations with Bulgarian guys.

I like Russian women. I dated one that had a knife in her shoe that would pop out when she needed to kill someone, or when she just crossed her legs.

That one didn't last long.

Many Russian girls I've hungout with have fathers who are ex-KGB. Making dating rather scary.

I'd like to meet a girl who was quiet and comfortable with just hanging out. Gracefully still, without being in fact dead, cause having sex with corpses is now officially illegal in California.

Actually, I give up.

If someone wants to date me, they'll have to come to me, cause I ain't chasing anymore.

Dating in LA sucks!

I need to move to a country with a poor economy and a dictatorship and rescue some wonderful gal.

We'll escape by hot air balloon.

Dodge Nazi bullets.

Find refuge in an abandoned farmhouse in a neutral country.

Eat vegetables found growing wild in the nearby woods.

Catch fish with her fishnet stocking.

I'll kill a deer by making a sling out of her bra.

I'll make coffee by making a filter out of her panties. I don't drink coffee so to me this isn't that disgusting.

She'll be completely nude.

But she'll be thankful to be alive.

I celebrate my good fortune of finding my perfect soul-mate by opening my backpack and setting up a picnic for myself with canned meats, caviar, pickles, crackers, some good wine and cheeses, fresh bread...

Yeah, my life will be good with that day comes.

If I wasn't so full, I'd make hot passionate love to her. She'll just have to wait.

Wait where'd she go?

I called my producer friend Sean Daniel to complement the poster for his new film. I drive by it everyday.

I don't know if you can see it... It is here on the wall of Paramount Studios at Gower and Melrose. That other handsome poster is of Dr. Phil.

You tell me who you'd rather fuck? Jude Law? Or Dr. Phil?

At least with a shiny bald head you could checkout your reflection while you do it.

Alfie

What's it all about, then?

Wouldn't it just suck to have to look like Jude Law?

I like him an all... But I bet if you and I could get a few pints of Guinness in him... We could kick his ass just for fun.

I'm hoping Sean will find it in his heart to put me in a role in his new, "Princess of Mars" movie. It is one of my favorite books.

By the way, Sean was too busy to call me back. Rich Bastard!

I hungout with my friend Aaron tonight as it's his last night here before he is off to his Third World Filmmaking Tour. We tried to spend as much time as we could together cause he will be gone for over a month.

He's writing/acting in/producing a new film in Thailand, Cambodia, Japan, Bali, and I think on Western Avenue and Hollywood Boulevard.

I watched "Audition" tonight after reading a book called "Agitator" about Takashi Miike.
Good stuff!

I also watched "Greendale" and "Julien Donkey-Boy" two of the most beautiful looking films I've seen in a long time.

Thank you Netflix!

"Greendale" was shot on Super 8 and "Julien Donkey-Boy" was shot DV and it looks so cool!

This weekend has been great movie viewing for me. I wore headphones cause I had the air conditioner up full blast while laying in an ice filled plastic kiddie pool I bought for $30 at Costco.

I got Blue-balls for another reason than usual.

This is maybe my favorite photo of me right now.

My friend and filmmaker Aaron took this of me. I had no idea he was taking it. I wasn't posing. This is how I look when I'm thinking.

Sometimes I sit on a large rock in the nude while thinking.

Here I was in the East Wing Library on the 3rd floor of my Bat Cave.

I can't believe how upset people are and were over my posted pics of Gwyneth Paltrow yesterday.

I can't believe how offended some were. I think they are totally harmless. She's pretty. Pale. And in public when they were taken. It looks like Art to me.

I'm not one that gets embarrassed by nudity, unless it's my own. Rarely have I ever been offended by the sight of a nude person, however once I was shown a Security Camera Tape of an incident in an elevator involving me having sex.

What was horribly offensive and down right disgusting was that I was completely nude, out of shape, and totally alone in the elevator.

I try to take the stairs more often now, just to stay in some what better shape.

Once in the late 80's while I was a popular Nationally Syndicated Radio Personality, I was offered the opportunity to pose in Playgirl Magazine. I obligingly posed for the test shots and was sort of excited about being consider attractive enough to appear in their magazine.

I was so excited in fact we had to keep stopping during the shoot because I continually had an erection. They would ice me down, shoot, it'd pop back up, ice me again, and on and on...

I was to receive what seemed to me a nice paycheck, good publicity for my show, and possibly offers to date some interesting girls after the issue hit the stands.

I have such a poor self image after the photographer and his assistant sent me the tests, I was appalled at how I looked.

They did a great job and couldn't have been nicer.

The assistant was once a Cheerleader at a very popular High School whose Cheerleaders nearly always ended up cheering for the Dallas Cowboys. She was very sweet and kind to me.

They both were great to me.

I felt terrible that I had to turn them down. I remember the woman who was the Editor calling me several times to try and build up my confidence. She too was great.

I just felt awful.

I wish I was in my 20's again, but with the Superhuman Brainpower that I now have. My life would be so much better.

I would do what I could to get to know this Lady for one thing!

Bella Beretta

I think she is pretty cool!

I was thinking of how many Anti-Bush movies are jumping on the Michael Moore "Fahrenheit 9/11" bandwagon...

And someone sent me a link to watch a four-minute video of a cruel dominatrix whip George W.

Agent Provocateur, one of my favorite places to shop, for its 10th anniversary they have the clip on its website.

The chick wears cool black stilettos, twists his nipple with a wrench, performs a striptease and whips him.

Then a man in black latex crawls into the room like a dog. Takes off his hood, and it's British Prime Minister Tony Blair!

Yes, I'm lonely...

Gwyneth Paltrow ends her film career. Let's mourn together. Then have sex!

"I can't imagine going back to shoot a movie," Paltrow says.

Since giving birth to an Apple with husband Coldplay's Chris Martin who she presented the video of the year award during the MTV Video Music Awards in Miami, she's appeared on Oprah Winfrey and "Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow" with Jude Law.

I feel that she's done enough. There is enough Paltrow to go around. Let's just savor what we have of her now and let Chlo� Sevigny squeeze in for a while.

You and I can lay down in front of the fireplace, where there will not be a fire as it's too friggin hot already, or we can lay in from of the air conditioner and watch my collection of Gwyneth Paltrow films.

I imagine while "The Royal Tenenbaums" plays in the background, I will be massaging your small delicate feet with warm oils. Baby and scented oils, not what I drained from my car earlier. You're so unsophisticated.

Anyway, sweety...



"Bounce" has a Chapter problem on my DVD so it skips through most of that film, but the selections it plays makes the movie somewhat surreal and dreamy. You giggle as I lay you back and fill your belly button up with Ranch Dressing, so I can dunk my celery stick in. Your smooth flat stomach is soft to the touch and makes the perfect table for my sliced deli meats and cheeses. You beg for my triple decker club sandwich, but I don't share cause you are low-carbs, or need to be anyway.

"Talented Mr. Ripley" brings out the wine from Trader Joe's so it's Charles Shaw and I'm feeling pretty good until you start off about how sexy Matt Damon is... "He's Gay" I try and explain without spilling the beans on the plot.

A little pissed, but still feeling a wine buzz. You do a strip tease for me as Jude Law gets his brains bashed in on the boat. I'm so turned on right now, baby.

You can completely bend over backwards onto your hands like you use to do as a Cheerleader. I peel off one last slice of ham that's been stuck to your stomach and roll it up with some cheese and eat it. I love you so much.

"Shakespeare in Love" really gets the mood going. Poetry is your downfall as you recite some High School cheers and dirty limericks for me.


You complement me on the case of Red Stripe Jamaican beer I got you and I explain that with hurricane Ivan blowing through they need all the help with their economy that they can get.

You are able to balance a bottle of Red Stripe on your head. That's my lover!

We end the night with, "Great Expectations" and "Sliding Doors" but you are so wasted you snore through most of it as I place you in various poses and take pictures of you to send to co-workers and family when the need arises.

As Coldplay plays on my boombox I hear you in the bathroom with your head buried in the can. I'm worried, so I turn up the song, "Clocks" cause that's my favorite and I don't want my neighbors to know I have another drunken slut in my place again.

You come out looking like Courtney Love and with the light like this, and I know you were just vomiting, yet you look so nice and thin. You are so hot!

You want to go home before your dad wakes up and as soon as you clean the bathroom, I'll call my friend Aaron to see if he can give you a lift on his way to work.

Yes, I hope Gwyneth Paltrow takes some time off. She deserves it.

Man Gets 6 Months for Swinging Alligator

When I first read this, I thought the Headline meant, "Swinging Alligator" like the alligator had multiple partners.

In Daytona Beach, a guy pleaded no contest to misdemeanor charges of battery and possession of an alligator.

Never live in a Spring Break Town, or where you are allowed to drive your truck on the beach.

He swung the alligator at his girlfriend during an argument, then he was sentenced to six months in jail.

I would never beat you with an alligator, darling.

Sheriff's officials said he was keeping the 3-foot gator in his bathtub and swung it at his girlfriend during an argument.

I'm guessing this couple rarely bathed.

She told investigators that he beat her with the gator and swung it at her after he threw empty beer bottles at her and then kicked her out of their mobile home.

Mobile Home!

He told investigators that she bit his hand because she was upset that they had run out of alcohol.

Classy Lady!

The alligator was later released into the St. Johns River, without pressing charges, wildlife commission officials said.

That reminds me...

A guy walks into a bar carrying an 18" alligator.

The bartender says, "What do think you're doing? Get that thing out of here. I don't allow pets in my establishment".

"Look he won't cause any trouble. He's well trained and I'll prove it". The guy tried to explain.

He then proceeds to put the alligator on the bar and says, "open".

The alligator open its mouth and you can see all of its razor sharp teeth.

"Now watch this", he says and proceeds to remove his penis through his zipper and lays his balls gently onto the alligator's teeth.

He then orders a beer and proceeds to drink it. All the while the alligator keeps its mouth open and nothing happens.

After finishing the beer the man gently removes his penis and puts it back into his pants.

He then says, "close" and the alligator closes its mouth.

"You see he is perfectly trained. He would do that for anybody. Does anyone want to try?"

After looking around he finally hears a drunk whose sitting at table say "Sure I'd like to try. But I don't know if I can keep my mouth open that long."

It was so sad seeing scientists with tweezers picked through the twisted wreckage of the space capsule Genesis that crash-landed on Earth.

I felt like I was falling helplessly when neither parachute deployed aboard the Genesis capsule and the craft plummeted to the ground at 193 mph, breaking open like a egg and exposing its collection of billions of charged solar atoms to contamination.

Have you ever felt your heart falling knowing no one was there to catch you? You found your life was so precious, like a bubble in a dust storm and you were caught in a wind filled with thorny tumbleweeds.

The atoms were captured on 5-foot disks, each with hexagons of gold, sapphire, silicone and diamond.

Precious metals, precious you.

What kind of collector do I need to capture your attention?

Each collector array was assigned to catch various types of solar wind. Like touching strands of the sun's hair. I run my fingers through your hair and you tilt back with your face into the sunlight. Eyes sparkle like gems.

I extend my antennae to it's fullest capacity.

Solar wind is a stream of highly charged particles that are emitted by the sun.

Later, in the moonlight, I too emit a stream of highly charged particles that softly impact your beautiful face and breasts.

The Genesis mission marked the first time NASA has collected any objects from farther than the moon for retrieval to Earth.

How far is it from me to your heart?

I unhinge the binding that holds your globes in static orbit and let gravity have it's way with them and your garments. The clothing crashes into the floor as we fall to the bed.

This could be our Genesis, our beginning...

I would never let you burn up in the atmosphere, or crash into Utah.

To learn more: Genesis Mission

To learn even more about me and the vacuum I'm floating in, simply e-mail me.

Who among us doesn't have baggage? Can your troubled past fit in this Louis Vuitton luggage?

I was reading my latest copy of one on my favorite magazines, "ReadyMade Magazine" when I see that they are selling chalkboard paint. I think they are selling it at Urban Outfitters too, but I bought some years ago from Home Depot to make a cool menu board.

While thinking about the chalkboard paint and wondering if my landlord would be pissed if I covered all my walls with it (?), I wondered what it would be like to cover ourselves with it so we could keep or erase what we wanted.

How great would it be to meet someone wonderful and only start with a blank slate, share the chalk, make new designs, pick different colors of chalk...?

Sure our past is what makes us and we should never be ashamed of anything we've ever done, unless it was buy and wear Uggs out in public.

I think it would be so cool to go out with someone for the first time and take them to places that I'd never been before, make new friends, create new memories, eat new foods, make new mistakes, say new stupid things, be silly in original ways and never tell the same old stories.

Cause carrying this old baggage has grown tiring and it's a drag going through Airport Security with it all the time. I'm donating it to the thrift store.

This is Tina, actually Radostina...

I'm sure you've seen her before, but what the hell.

She's Bulgarian! She's also a Sladur which is a very cute person in Bulgarian.

You can't really tell from this picture, but Tina is on her tiptoes and I'm on my knees and bending over.

Tina is tiny.

And that's hot if you like sexy blonds who can ride miniature horses.

I know it seems I only show her in her uniform, I'd like to show you what she looks like without it. Super hot!

The Bulgarians are truly Hot looking! And the coolest part, the most beautiful girls date the ugliest guys. A guy like me could date a total supermodel-looking Bulgarian chick, but try and hook up with some American skank, and I'm the guy picked to replace the last guy picked to join the team in case a meteor hits him.

I should date a Bulgarian!

Damn it!!! I think I will!

I'd like to give Tina a test drive, but I've already got that older brother/younger sister vibe going with her and I just can't think that way now.

I've heard that her last boyfriend was some bald 50 year old ugly guy.

I might be too handsome for her.

Still I'd like to meet some of her super model friends.

Some of them are here, I don't know yet which ones but maybe you can find them and let me know.

Sladurs!
Dating in Hell Lay blows!

Speaking of blowing...
My friend and co-worker Metal Mick, though I never see him at WPBZ "The Buzz" in West Palm Beach because I work in Hollywood and he works in Hurricane World... Sent me this info on his survival:

"made it....no major problems.....lost my screen pool enclosure and 3 huge palm trees...yesterday was fun with chain saws!.....no damage to my house though..many people lost their shingles- some all of them!!..my roof is newer.....thank god!.....didn't have power for only 18 hours...do have a generator though......lived through 24 hours of hellish howling winds....be a few days before back to normal....my family & cats are fine!!...the city's getting better already.... thanks for caring!"��

I was thinking of going there to visit my friends at WPBZ...

Then I read that Swaziland's 37 year old King Mswati, sub-Saharan Africa's last absolute monarch, has chosen a 16-year-old a Miss Teenage finalist beauty queen as his 13th wife following a ceremony at which 20,000 bare-breasted maidens danced in his honor.

Then I decided to change my travel destination.

This is me with one of my favorite character actors Michael Constantine.

Michael Constantine has been in so many movies. This guy has had a steady career. Very nice and funny gentleman.

He was in "My Big Fat Greek Wedding," the heartbreaking "My Life," "The Hustler," and "The Night That Panicked America" about Orson Welles and his radio version of the H.G. Wells novel, and the people who think Martians are invading the Earth.

Cool dude!

I'm wondering if the radio station that I'm on in West Palm Beach WPBZ The Buzz is still on the air with the hurricane and all that trouble?

I have so many friends there but phone-lines are jammed.

This Holiday weekend sure went fast. And with the heat we had today in the triple digits, I tried to stay inside as much as I could, but it was so hot in my place the only cool spot was about two inches in front the air conditioner.

This is a place I might be storing all my filmmaking stuff.

When making and distributing movies it's good to have a place to store the DVD's.

I want to do my acting workshops here.

I'm also thinking of shooting here. Setting up a Green Screen, lighting rig, other good stuff...

When I make goals, I find I put so many obstacles in my way. Then I procrastinate...

That has to change now!

I spend quite a bit of time making lists. Goals. "To Do" bullet points.

I spend so much time doing this there is nothing left of my energy to accomplish the items on those lists.

Still it's nice to walk around this space thinking of all the things I could do in it.

It's nice and big all empty. So was the place I live in, once, but now there's crap I don't need every where. I have a hard time throwing anything away. Putting them on eBay or selling them in a yard sale is more work than it's worth.

I just know the inside of my head is the same way. Full of crap. Useless crap. Stuff I'll never need, but always in my way. My head hurts just thinking about it.

I'd like to see if I can get some Charity Organization to bring over a truck and unload it all.

My place, not my head...

This is a scene from the film, "Winter Carousel" by director Ladislaw Starewicz a Russia/France production I think.

I couldn't sleep last night after having a bad dream where I woke myself up crying. I don't know what the dream was about, but it must have been bad cause my pillow was so wet from the tears.

I hope that was tears that wet the pillow.

I popped on the TV and watched KCET's Classic Arts Showcase and this film was playing. It made me happy to see these lil' stopmotion characters playing in the snow.

Then the snow melts and they all start crying.

The Spring starts everything blooming and a new cycle begins. They were all happy again.

All day today as lonely people like me reached out for some kind of contact with those who hadn't left to be with family, I thought of these little dolls.

Static and frozen, moved like the hands of a clock by a master of patients, a filmmaker long dead making me smile years after his creation became dust.

"Winter Carousel"

"Ladislaw Starewicz"

Thank you Ladislaw Starewicz where ever you are, you made my day more that it would have been without you.

The Venice Film Festival is showing a new dark tale about pedophilia and UFO abductions.

"Mysterious Skin" by director Gregg Araki.

Let's go!



I was just talking about Gregg Araki when someone I know had gotten him confused by the photographeri Araki.

I was talking with Mary Woronov a few weeks back about her work with Gregg Araki in "The Living End," and then I find out she's in Rob Zombie's new sequel to "House of 1000 Corpses."

I want Mary in a film of mine in the worst way, I just love her.










I also want Kaucyila Brooke in a film somehow.

I don't know as what, but when ever I'm around her it seems gravity gets easier for me to handel. I think she is so cool and talented.

She wrote a book I love called, "Gendered Geographies."

She is an amazing photographer with cool and important ideas.










I hung out with Steve tonight after a long and hot day.


He bought the new "Trekkies 2" DVD and sequel to the awesome documentary, "Trekkies" but he tells me this one takes place in Europe.

Steve ate while I had a meeting with a financier about funding my new porn film. The meeting was fun, colorful and educational... And I believe successful.

I did eat free too! And that's good enough for me!

Steve told me I put too many pics of myself on this page, "Less Lentz, More Ladies!"








Today I also talked with my friend Vogue Hommes International editor Richard Buckley. He is one of the most stylist and debonair guys I know. I pitched him an article I hope he'll hire me to write for Vogue.

How can he turn me down? I'm so cute!

While some drive beat up Ford Escorts, he gets to be with the likes of Tom Ford.

His World is light years from mine, but like an Angel he materializes every once in a while to visit mine.

He's one of those intellectual James Bond kind of guys who has a home on every Continent. He lives the life I should be living if there were only a God who would do what I say instead of just giggling at my prayers.


My friend Peter warns me to get a check up now that I'm not so young anymore... The bastard told me about his Dr. visit to the proctologist's office for his first rectal exam.

Jerry,

His new nurse, took me to an examining room
and told me to get undressed and have a seat
until the doctor could see me.
She said that he would only be a few minutes.

After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down.
While waiting I observed that there were three items
on a stand next to the exam table:
a Tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove and a beer.

When the doctor finally came in I said,
"Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam.
I know what the K-Y is for,
and I know what the glove is for,
but can you tell me what the BEER is for?"

At that the Doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed
over to the door.
He flung the door open and yelled to his nurse.......

"Darn it Nurse! I said a BUTT LIGHT!"

Today I got to spend some quality time with one of my favorite actresses Clea Duvall.

She is really cool!

She's in, "But I'm a Cheerleader," "The Faculty," "Identity," "21 Grams," "The Grudge," and a ton of other cool shit.

We talked about photography and filmmaking and what kind of movie she would make when she directs something.

I have to admit while listening to her talk about film, I couldn't help imagine her being my Gena Rowlands to me being John Cassavetes...

But she might be John Cassavetes and me being Peter Falk...

I dunno Clea is in a World of her own. She seems really tough, yet vulnerable. She has an amazing future ahead of her in what ever she does.

Still, I'd like to put her in my movie. Even if just for the chance to make out with her. I'd flub it so we'd have to reshoot the scene over and over. I'd be a one take Ed Wood on the rest of the movie, but her kissing scenes with me, and I'm 50 take Kubrick!




I love this photo of the two of them. Young, talented, determined, and ready to take on the World. Gena is so beautiful. Tough and smart. You get the feeling, or I do anyway, just from this photo that she won't let anything bad happen to John.

You mess with John, she's kicking your ass!

Man, I'd like a friend like that.







I tried to see if Rob Zombie would do the soundtrack to my new movie, but he too is in his own Wonderful World.









He's so awesome!

This is us at lunchtime... Scary I know. I just hope he puts me in his new movie.




Maybe Rob Zombie can be my Gena Rowlands? Doubt it...

But he sure can kick some ass!

I went to Mae West's old apartments, The Ravenwood on Rossmore looking at a studio apartment.

I got a nice tour. The place is so cool. Very historic.

The apartment I looked at was very small. No air-conditioning. Steam radiators. The 7th floor. Incredible view... of the other apartments.

The Ravenwood is in an "H" shape and this place was on the inside.











Still very nice at $1350.00 a month.

It's hard to think of paying that in rent when a mortgage can be cheaper per month.

The bathroom was awesome with all original ceramic Lilac tiles.

The coolest thing was on the way up I discovered that one of my favorite porn sites that features hot looking models posing in a hallway was shot somewhere in this building.












I recognized the hallway.

That's a selling point right there!

Anyway...

Walking away, I got rather sad. I don't know why... Just seems there is never enough money to do what I want.

I sat in the lobby for a while thinking about how to make a lot of money. I need to create something people want. What do people want? What do I want? I want to make a lot of money. Maybe people want to make a lot of money...

Now I'm just plain stuck.












Later, I was watching Robert Rodriguez's "Once Upon a Time in Mexico" and one of the features is his "Ten Minute Flick School," it is very funny and he shows off all his toys that his work has brought him.

The guy's got the life!

He seems to have found a way to get his dreams funded. I would like to have my dreams funded. Maybe I need to have better dreams.

I stopped the DVD and sat back and wondered what it would be like to have the movies you dream about made. Would I want to make action movies, or dogme 95 kinda movies?

Would I like to be a Vincent Gallo?

Would I want to film myself getting a blow-job from Chloe Sevigny, or hangout with Johnny Depp?

Sure they're tough choices. Choices I may never really have to make.

I pop in "Dogville" and try to finish it. Chloe Sevigny is in that and is really cute, but maybe a blow-job from Johnny Depp would be even better. She seems kinda stuck up, but then she may have been acting.

But then Mel Gibson's "The Passion of the Christ" sold 4.1 million DVD copies after only one day in stores. I haven't seen it, so I don't know, but I'm guess not a single blow-job in the whole movie. Unless you count the one the entire audience received.

The Nuart Theatre is showing some X-Rated films now!
"The Brown Bunny"

No one under 18 admitted!

[X] Dolby SR ADULTS ONLY!

With Director/Star Vincent Gallo In Person Fri & Sat, Sep 3 & 4 at 7:30 & 10:00pm! (schedule permitting)

And as part of their MIDNIGHT MOVIES...

Screenwriter/director David Lynch's "Wild at Heart" Uncut X-Rated Version Not Shown in U.S. Theatres!

Friday Midnight at the Nuart Theatre

I wonder if I can make it for those showings? I wonder what my mood will be then? Will I even care when the time arrives?

I stop "Dogville" again.

I pop in "The Work of Director Chris Cunningham," and watch his stuff.

I like it.

It seems so cold.

Seeing Bjork fawn over him is really hard after having my run in with her while shooting a Sugar Cubes live performance video.

How could I have had Bjork on my side? What did I do wrong? Is it my lack of talent?

Why can't Bjork be my friend, too?

This is Betty Blythe who was born with the great name Elizabeth Blythe Slaughter.

She was sorta Fox Studios' replacement for screen vamp Theda Bara. But in many ways I liked her more.

I think she's beautiful. This is her in "Queen of Sheba" all nude and stuff. She was a Silent Movie Goddess.

I want that chair.

This pic makes me happy and I need that...

My mailman hates me...

It must be because I have tons of headshots coming to me and I don't use a PO box.

I just know it.

He crams my box full of junkmail. I mean crams. I barely found my Netfix DVD's. I have to sift thought all the wadded up junkmail to make sure no bills are hidden in it.

I watched the first part of, "Dogville." So far it's good. I just got too sleepy to finish it in one sitting.

I love the idea of the sets, or rather lack of sets. I was thinking of doing a film where there was nothing but sets and no actors.

Still working on that idea.

I got a call from a Russian friend who is very concerned about the dozen militant/suicide-bombers who have seized a southern Russian school in a region bordering Chechnya, taking hostage about 400 people, half of them children, and threatening to blow up the building if police storm it.

Eight people have been killed.

I haven't even seen anything about it on the News. But he said it involves the two recent planes that were bombed.

The World is so scary to me right now.




This is under the 101 on Gower. I sit here in traffic a lot, yet this place makes me feel safe. Weird I know, but it really is like a Cathedral to me.

There are West Nile virus carrying mosquitoes all around my place and neighbors have found dead animals laying around.

Then, Charlize Theron is hurt while doing her own stunts for the title role of "Aeon Flux."

Is there no God?