"Teensploitation's" time has come — at least in the dictionary. "Pleather," "body wrap," "MP3," and "information technology" are among the other words and phrases that have gotten past the editors at Merriam-Webster in the annual update of their Collegiate Dictionary.

If you were a word, what new word would you be, so I could look you up?

Would there be a photo next to your word?

Or would it be a woodcutting?

Pen and ink?

If you were an mp3 and I downloaded you, would I get in trouble?

Would you, as an mp3, be Alt, Rap, Hip-Hop, Classical, or Spoken Word?

A "body wrap" sounds good.

I don't know what a "Pleather," is, I could look it up, but I would say...

"It's my "Pleather" to wrap your body all up in love."

My new friend is producing one of my favorite stories from when I was a kid... based on the first book in "Tarzan" creator Edgar Rice Burroughs' 11-volume "John Carter of Mars" series, the sci-fi adventure-action picture "A Princess of Mars" directed by Kerry Conran, whose "Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow," is set for release Sept. 17, is replacing Robert Rodriguez.

Conran is in after Rodriguez resigned from the Directors Guild of America, making him ineligible to direct this one. Rodriguez quit the DGA in order to give co-directing credit to property creator Frank Miller on his current Dimension Films project, "Sin City," a practice not sanctioned by the union. That's was a pretty cool thing to do!

I just hope my friend Sean gets me a walk on in the film. I've always wanted to live on Barsoom, ride Thoats, fight with Tars Tarkas and hang with Deja Thoris.

Feeling ill and uncomfortable.

Will write more later when I feel funny and swell.

Swell as in content, not swell as in swollen, which I am right now.

And not swollen in a good way.

Bloated actually.

It's lovely to be bloated, achy and feverish, isn't it?

Kiss me!

Woozy am I...

Think I'm coming down with something.

The weather has changed a bit, maybe that has to do with it, but also, I've been around a lot of sick people lately, some physically sick too.

My back hurts. My head hurts. My ass hurts.

I've been listening to George Noory talk with Michael Horn of They Fly, the authorized American media representative for alien contactee, Billy Meier, the one armed guy who has had an amazing life among good looking aliens.

At first I thought Horn was Roy Horn and he would talk about his tiger mauling, but soon realized I was just plain out of it.

I really want an alien contact. Not so much the anal probing, but even then sometimes when I'm lonely I do fantasize...

I'd like the Billy Meier kind of aliens to be my friends, cause they sound cool, kind, and smart, plus the chick alien sounds like she looks like Bjork.

Maybe it is Bjork.

I meet a lot of the MUFON people at a dinner I eat at and sometimes get food poisoning at, and they all tell me not to wish for the alien experience. They tell me I wouldn't like it.

I don't like working for a living either.

I have so few friends anyway.

I'm not dating anyone.

I feel ugly.

Think having an alien contact is going to make my life any worse?

I believe that I'm a lovable guy. I'm friendly. Witty in a conversation. A good listener sometimes. I bet I could talk an alien into letting me photograph him or her. I might even get them to pose. Do a little fashion work. Maybe a few nude shots.

I wonder if they have hair down there, you know what I mean? Do they shave? You see a lot of alien camel toe photos. I wonder if it's their spacesuits that are too tight, or it's their skin?

I wouldn't mind having sex with an alien if she looked like that Vulcan piece of ass Jolene Blalock on Star Trek: Enterprise, or the late Persis Khambatta from Star Trek: The Motion Picture, but if she looks like A.L.F., or some female Predator... Forget it.

Told you I wasn't feeling well.

Larry Olivier gets resurrected in "Sky Captain" like some weird Viagra. Think using dead actors is cheaper?

Oprah Winfrey invests in California Cafe... by eating?

Lawyer says clients want to sell Rocco's. Maybe NBC can sell it to Oprah Winfrey.

"Seacrest Out" in some if not all markets. But that's not enough for me... He needs to be out of air as well for me to be completely happy.

Mary-Kate Olsen released from her treatment facility in time to be eaten by Oprah Winfrey.

Ozzy Osbourne moves $50 Million in merchandise... Through his veins.

Panel's '9/11 Report' becoming a big seller. Soon to be a movie. It's sequel will be called, "9/12"

Auctioneer puts Brando's jackets up for bids in L.A.... Brando's underwear on eBay. Brando having anal sex here:

Oh God-Father!

Norwegian hotel workers say no to erotic films... Note to self: Cancel Norwegian vacation plans.

Dutch film director Wim Verstappen, best known for his controversial film "Blue Movie," considered to the first Dutch pornographic movie, in 1971 has died of cancer. He was 69.

New "Star Wars" title unveiled. But I forgot what it was... "Star Wars: Something or rather..."

Michael Herbig's sci-fi spoof "(T)Raumschiff Surprise -- Periode 1" made German box office history on its opening weekend, boasting two million admissions and an expected take of E11 million ($13.3 million).

But I'm getting all excited about this:
Thunderbirds!

The way they have removed the wires holding up the puppets is awesome!

Talked with my friend and future wife Kelli and told her if she didn't send me any new photos, I was going to post the old photos, even the sick ones, and talk about her great waxing stories she shared with me in confidence.

She hasn't responded fast enough.

Do you think it's wise to use your camera phone to examine and view areas of your Brazilian Bikini Wax job that you can't bend over far enough to see with your own eyes? Then forget to delete them from your phones memory, then accidentally send those out to friends thinking you were sending out pics of your vacation... Good idea?

Well, she didn't do that... As far as you know...

Spent some of Monday driving around the city looking at Theatrical Performance spaces sent to me as possible shooting and workshop locations.

Every single space I looked at (4) were in horrifying parts of Los Angeles. And it was daylight outside.

None of them had parking. None of them had working bathrooms. None of them had lighting, though one had sunlight coming through the large hole in the ceiling. There was not one that wasn't next to an automotive repair garage with air-ratchets blasting.

Still, the price seemed right on a couple of them.

But would I feel comfortable asking hot looking actresses and models to come work for me in these dangerous places?

And who would protect me?

I'm thinking more about turning my apartment into a movie studio instead.

The bathroom becomes the makeup/dressing room.

The kitchen becomes the break room.

The living room becomes the Green Screen stage.

The closet becomes the editing room.

The bedroom is where I would shoot the porn and or cast the actresses.

But living where you work can be a drag.

It's so early in the morning now, I've been reading the poetry of Christina and Dante Rossetti hoping they will help me sleep.

I've always found their work essentially elegiac, being that their melancholy poetry is of hard unfulfilled longing, of unrealized promise, and of great sad loss.

It is an emotional malaise characteristic of many of the Pre-Raphaelite poets and one I find myself returning to again and again.

I find as I read more, that the personae prompts most of them eventually to renounce the quest for satisfaction in this world in favor of gaining it in a solidly realized afterlife, or in some alternate form, usually a dream, or in art itself.

Sometimes I feel this way myself. I sometimes think I may be sabotaging myself, by thinking, "I'll do that, or worry about that later after I'm dead."

It's a cop-out I'm sure, but my dreams also are so great and waking only brings me sadness that the dream has ended, the prize is lost, the love has withered away into the loneliness of reality.

I feel a slipping into a warm tar of aesthetic withdrawal, where every movement leads me to suffocation.

But I look forward to seeing, "The Bourne Supremacy" since it was number one this last weekend. After I catch the first one whatever it was called... "The Bourne... Something." I dunno...

Caught M. Night Shyamalan's "Unbreakable" on TV this weekend as part of a promotion for "The Village." I had seen "Unbreakable" in the theatre and didn't really dig it, but seeing it again on tee vee, it somehow got to me.

Weird, but I guess I was in just the right mood.

What's really weird is that Cinespace is showing the flick as well, but you can eat and watch it too, but I doubt they knew it was going to be on TV so close to their screening.

So later, I stopped off at Odyssey Video and picked up, "Signs" which I never bothered to see cause so many of my friends trashed it.

Guess what?

I totally dug that movie! Okay, maybe it wasn't perfect, but I thought it did some cool and brave things. Some of it was truly brilliant.

I also picked up "Minority report" which I had seen before and liked, but wanted to see it again because of the DVD extras. I was hoping that Janusz Kaminski would talk about his bleach processing of the film to get that washed out look. He barely touched on it.

I want to try and find a way to get that look with DV since my work has that Blue quality anyway. I'd just like to see if I can get some people to have White burned out faces and Pink and Orange that I'm getting.

Except on the African American actors. I'm looking to get a nice Chocolate look, Dark and Milk, or as one actress described her color... "Decaf."

I picked up my friend Rick Schmidt's new book, "Extreme DV at Used-Car Prices" and was surprised he never mentions me in the book after such a loving letter from him about how a letter I had sent him was used to help show the publishers that this book was viable and buy-able.

Oh well, I just won't mention him in my book.

Rick's new book is wonderful. Just reading his stuff is so inspiring and makes you want to get a camera, get some actors, quit your job, live in a van, spend all your money on your art, then borrow other people's money to spend on your art...

But all that in a good way.

If your going to go into debt, wouldn't you rather owe money for making art than have debt cause you used credit cards on groceries, gas and utilities?

Email Rick Schmidt and tell him how much I, Jerry Lentz mean to you and how Jerry wouldn't be who he is today without Rick...

See? Were all connected in this wonderful universe... Universe means "one song" right?

Then buy Rick's book Extreme DV at Used-Car Prices.

Tell him you know me and I bet he'll let you have it at the regular price.

Power went out again at my house.

The heat woke me up.

I need to go shoot some video today, but I can't sleep and I know it's going to be rough.

The only thing that seems to help me sleep other than drugs is a drive in my car. I might need to get out there and drive a while.

Where can I go?

What will I see?

What will I listen to while I drive? Art Bell? The static in my head? The sound of my car rolling off the side of the road and the airbag inflating after I've fallen asleep?

I wish someone would rub my belly. Then I know I could go to sleep. Sleep as long as that somebody was pretty and not some ugly scary dude, but not so pretty as I might get all horny and then need the sexthing.

Someone average and nonthreatening in that sexual way...

Maybe someone like Ellen Degeneres... She might rub my belly good.

Then again, she's so spastic she actually might hurt me.

I wish my mother wasn't dead, she'd do a great job like she did when I was a baby.

But how weird would that be for a 39+ year old guy getting his belly rubbed by his mother cause he can't sleep?

She's dead and rubbing my belly and she's dead!!!

Now for sure I'm not fucking sleeping, how scary and fucked up is that thought?

I'm pulling the covers up over my head now.

Courtney Love surrenders to the Law. Will you surrender your love to me?

Will you surrender to Love?

The love I can provide?

Courtney will get new court date. All I want is a date date...

She's entering an "institution" on the East Coast. Do you believe in the institution of "Courtship?"

According to the Los Angeles Police Department's Wilshire station, "She was very cooperative throughout the entire process." Will you be that cooperative when we go out?

After a thorough strip search we can get a Baja Burrito at Baja Fresh. I got a free coupon!

We can go see a movie like Hilary Duff's "A Cinderella Story" and since we'll be the oldest ones there, we can throw things at the teens and ruin their movie going experience like they done so many times.

After that we could go by Amoeba, bring in a huge crate of CD's to have evaluated for their worthlessness and when the buyer gives up a price after all his hard work we can just say, "Oh, that's okay, I changed my mind."

Walk away, but then walk back in and hand the same crate to another buyer to do the same thing.

We could go to Hollywood Thai and get BBQ Pork, then you can get up to sing bad karaoke, then break into a nasty striptease till we get kicked out.

Maybe we can just drive up to Ventura.

Maybe you can write some songs about our night and about the drive.

Maybe we can record you singing them on the beach with the sound of the surf in the background.

I'll shoot the video.

You'll be a star!

In your euphoric heroin high, you have sex with me and I capture it all on camera.

Later, after all your success and numerous concerts and TV appearances, and your breakup with me, I'll sell the sex tape to an internet porn site.

You'll stop by my mansion late at night and fire off some shots into it, missing me, but wounding my houseboy.

You'll be arrested.

You post bail.

Your record sales skyrocket!

You flee the country.

Later, after you've detoxed, you'll realize I was the best thing for you and you come back to me.

We embrace and make love.

All videotaped of course. I'm not too stupid...

We get married in Vegas and visit my houseboy in the Hospital.

A true Cinderella Story...

In an effort to be a serious actress Hilary Duff secures the rights to play you in the biography.

The three of us hangout together.

Paul Schrader signs on as director.

My new friend producer Sean Daniel will, well, produce.

I meet the actor to play me. I'm disappointed to find that they've chosen Jason Alexander best known as George Constanza on the NBC series 'Seinfeld.'

I feel I look nothing like him and I frankly don't believe audiences want to see him and Hilary Duff having sex onscreen.

Later, in Renny Harlin's version of the film, I am correctly played by Colin Farrell who also looks nothing like me, but I feel he captures my true essence.

Well at this point the Romance with you has been great!

I think we'll get along just fine.

You are so wonderful that when critics and audiences hail Paul Schrader's version of our life with Jason Alexander playing me getting an Oscar, you are able to comfort me.

You know just what I like...

That's right, because your bellybutton is an inny, you fill it up with Ranch Dressing, lay on your back and let me dip my tater-tots in your button as I watch Monica Vitti videos.

You're so cool!

I was talking with my friend Peter today about how times have changed and how screwed up modern society has made us, and he tells me security has messed with us so much that sometimes you find yourself accidentally entering your password on the microwave.

And how distant we've become with each other, no personal contact, or connection and you actually will e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

We've become so disconnected with ourselves, but so absorbed in technology that we haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

We have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach a family of 3.

Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses. Or they are not part of you family and friends long distance plan.

You work so much that you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.

Maybe you work from home so much that when you leave to meet a client for lunch you forget to get dressed.

Last night was an interesting one... I have found myself becoming very blase' about things. There was a guy that I see a lot. I ran into him in Studio City. He asks me about the movie I'm making. I tell him. He asks me if that's what I want to do with my life? I shrug, I dunno. He asks what kind of money would I need to make a movie that I'd like to make. I gave a rather large figure and he told me it wasn't out of the question for him to possibly put that kind of money into a project.

I thought I would get excited, but it washed over me as just pressure I didn't need right now.

He asks me how long it would take to get his money back and how much could he make?

It would be impossible to give him an answer without guessing or lying, so I told him he most likely would never get his money back and I couldn't tell him how much if anything would be his profit.

He just couldn't believe that I would give him that kind of answer. It was like, no one had ever been that honest with him.

Then he didn't believe me. He thought that I must be downplaying just how great the rewards would be getting involved with me making films.

No matter how much I tried telling him that failure and loss was most likely our destination... He wouldn't give up.

I told him Vegas had better odds.

He told me he is in Vegas every week, like I said the magic word.

It was so weird...

Like those guys that tell you to date the sexiest women, you must treat them like shit, cause they'll keep coming back for more.

This guy wouldn't take "No" for an answer.

I got home to 3 e-mails from him.

Maybe he'll send me flowers tomorrow...

Ate at Islands in Burbank with Aaron last night.

We talked about his work on "Shark Tale" and I avoided as much as possible talking about my film.

Islands has a lot of cute waitresses and trying to keep Aaron's eye contact on me when I'm speaking can be difficult there.

I talked with my friend Kelli on the phone and understand how exciting this is... We haven't spoken to each other in something like 20 years!

She still sounds the same and by the new pictures she's sent, still looks the same.

She was kind enough to send pictures of her while in the emergency room near death from an allergic reaction from peanuts. All swollen and tubes in her nose... Sexy!!!

We talked a long time and I'm sure after she gets her phone bill, it will be the last time I hear from her.

One of my favorite composers, Jerry Goldsmith, who scored films like Star Trek and Alien, plus TV shows The Man from U.N.C.L.E. and Perry Mason, died in his sleep at his Beverly Hills home cancer. He was 75.

I guess now he'll be decomposing, but I know my CD's of his great work will be around longer than me.

Tom Green and Jerry Springer are doing a "week in review" kind of show called "Fairly Unbalanced."

I was seen on the Security Camera at the Virgin Megastore, hoping that'll be picked up for syndication.

Seems an enema type of colonic irrigation is what kill Napoleon.

Every day, the doctors gave Napoleon an enema to relieve his symptoms of an upset stomach and intestinal cramping, using really big, nasty syringe-shaped things.

I wonder if Stanley Kubrick knew this when he was developing his unproduced film about Napoleon?

I ran into Sean Daniel today and he looked so surprised that I would know that he is one of the greatest Hollywood producers around.

I guess producers don't get recognized much.

He is so cool. We talked movies, books, me, and just when I thought he was going to make me a Star, he walked out of my life...

But here in Hollywoodland there is always another producer and another tomorrow.

Now where's my enema!

Another hot one with sweat and dizziness. I've broken out all over with zits for some reason, maybe it's a heat rash, but that's always sexy, right?

The power keeps going out where I live. I know this cause when I get home to the oven I live in, the clocks are all flashing and the portal I've been generating by burning a hole in time and space with powerful magnets always seems to be closed up when I open the front door.

I was thinking of some kind of timer I could hook up to the air-conditioner that would start it up before I get home so the place could be fairly nice before I walk in. Then, I'd just probably short some fuse out and the place would burn down.

In my never end pursuit of shedding my body of its thick mane of fur, I came across an item that I've passed up many times while walking the aisle of my 24 hour drugstore in the wee hours of the morning. It's a Conair Hair Removal System, but it feels like a Love Removal Machine.

Actually, it is interesting.

It's very similar to the Black and Decker circular sander, in that it grinds down your unwanted hair with rotating pads of sandpaper.

It does work. Your hair does go away once your flesh has been grounded away. You will smell your own skin as it is reduced to ash and smoke.

It is rather painless, because the pads rotate somehow in opposite directions, fooling your nerve endings, or rather distracting them while the hair is twisted up, plucked, set a blaze, and of course you never feel the hair being pulled, because the sheer trauma of you skin coming off over shadows that sensation.

So I would say it is a success! My hair has been removed. Once the bleeding stopped, it looks like I have a nice dark tan on my body thanks to the scabbing.

I also look rather buff, but who knows how it will be once the all over swelling goes down.

I've been thinking about what some people have been asking me. A few people have asked me when am I going to buy a house?

They say, "Jerry, you're getting up there in age where you need to start thinking of buying a house."

I found a nice little one bedroom in an area that is nice near where I spend most of my free time for only $850,000.00.

I was thinking how could I get something like this?

I might even pay it off in a years time if I could make $16,346.15 a week. And really, is that all that difficult with my skills?

I started looking for job postings where I could bring home after taxes $409.00 an hour.

I didn't see any that caught my eye, but knowing how Bush is hopeful about jobs in America building up and getting better, I just know there will be a great place for me to work soon.

Maybe I'll have nice smooth skin by then?

The Sci Fi Channel admitted that it lied in claiming it was at odds with filmmaker M. Night Shyamalan and was making an unauthorized biography about his "buried secret."

The hoax was part of a "guerrilla marketing campaign" that went too far, they say.

I just want you to know I would never lie to you.

I have no "buried secret" I'm an open book.

Maybe not a great book.

A great book being something like...

"Great Expectations."

"The Great Gatsby" it also has great in the title...

Maybe not like a Harry Potter book, or "The Da Vinci Code" either.

Could be something like that "Bathroom Reader" book that some people shelve in their bathrooms, but I never would do something like that, I have a shower and the pages get all wrinkly. Sometimes I miss the toilet completely when I'm whizzing after an all night bender.

I'll put magazines, or catalogs in the john, but not great literature.

I like magazines that have that perfume smell in them to cover the urine odor.

Anyway...

I would never lie to you like The Sci Fi Channel, or even M. Night Shyamalan, sure he's entertaining, but really he is a one trick pony isn't he?

I haven't seen "Signs" so maybe I shouldn't judge so harshly, but it all smacks of the "Twilight Zone" a bit with the trick endings, right?

In our relationship the twist at the end hopefully isn't you turning out to be an alien, or worse...

There have been some rather interesting O'Henry endings to my past relationships, but we need not partake in each others sad stories, rather let's think of new happy beginnings.

Complete this story by finishing this beginning:

I'm at work. I'm bored. I'm sad cause I want a fun man in my life to laugh with, to play with, to share in my abduction and demonic possession stories with...

send report:

Today was a long one.

I met up with some potential advertisers for my new radioshow.

I made a demo for my show in West Palm Beach's WPBZ 103.1... We'll see what happens with that, they're swamped due to Howard Stern coming on their station.

I bought the soundtrack to "Lost in Translation" but was disappointed that the song played in the Tokyo strip club, Fuck The Pain Away by Peaches isn't included and that was the song I wanted to get.

I should be able to take it back, right?

I found this on:

IMDB

Please note that songs listed here (and in the movie credits) cannot always be found on CD soundtracks. Please check CD track details for confirmation.

"Brass in Pocket"
Written by Chrissie Hynde and James Honeyman-Scott
Performed by Scarlett Johansson

"(What's So Funny 'Bout) Peace, Love and Understanding"
Written by Nick Lowe
Performed by Bill Murray

"More Than This"
Written by Bryan Ferry
Performed by Bill Murray

"So into You"
Written by Buddy Buie, Robert Nix and Dean Daughtry
Performed by Mark Willms

"Minuetto"
Written by Dominic Sands
Courtesy of Promusic, Inc.

"God Save the Queen"
Written by Paul Cook, Steve Jones, John Lydon and Glen Matlock
Performed by Fumihiro Hayashi

"The Thrill Is Gone"
Written by Roy Hawkins and Rick Darnell
Performed by Catherine Lambert

"Torn Into"
Written by Matt Sims
Performed by Mount Sims
Courtesy of Emperor Norton Records

"Scarborough Fair/Canticle"
Written by Paul Simon and Arthur Garfunkel
Performed by Catherine Lambert

"Blue Atmosphere"
Written by Francesco Santucci, Antonello Vannucchi, Giorgio Rosciglione and Giovanni Cristiani
Courtesy of Promusic, Inc.

"Love Gun"
Written by Rick James
Performed by Rick James
Courtesy of Motown Records
Under license from Universal Music Enterprises

"Muyu"
Written and Performed by Des-Row Union
Under License from Konami Music Entertainment

"Nobody Does It Better"
Written by Marvin Hamlisch and Carole Bayer Sager
Performed by Anna Faris

"You Stepped Out of a Dream"
Written by Gus Kahn and Nacio Herb Brown
Performed by Catherine Lambert

"Midnight at the Oasis"
Written by David Nichtern
Performed by Catherine Lambert

"The State We're In"
Written by Tom Rowlands and Ed Simons
Performed by The Chemical Brothers
Courtesy of Virgin/Astralwerks Records
Under license from EMI Film & TV Music

"She Gets Around"
Written by Jason Falkner, Roger Joseph Manning Jr. and Brian Reitzell
Performed by TV Eyes

"Just Like Honey"
Written by James Mcleish Reid and William Reid
Performed by The Jesus and Mary Chain
Courtesy of Warner U.K. Ltd.
By Arrangement with Warner Strategic Marketing

"Feeling I Get"
Written by Mike Brewer
Performed by Mary Butterworth Group

"La Dolce Vita"
Written and Performed by Nino Rota
(c) C.A.M. S.r.l.

"Tomei Tengu BGM"
Written and Performed by Takeo Watanabe
Courtesy of Sankyo Shinsha Inc.

I wanted desperately to hear Fuck The Pain Away by Peaches from "The Teaches Of Peaches"

Suckin' on my titties like you wanted me,
Callin me, all the time like blondie
Check out my chrissy behind
It's fine all of the time
Like sex on the beaches,
What else is in the teaches of peaches? huh? what?

Suckin' on my titties like you wanted me,
Callin me, all the time like blondie
Check out my chrissy behind
It's fine all of the time
What else is in the teaches of peaches?
Like sex on the beaches. huh? what?

huh? right. what? uhh.
huh? what? right. uhh.
huh? what? right. uhh.
huh? what? right. uhh.

SIS IUD, stay in school coz it's the best.
IUD SIS, stay in school coz it's the best.
IUD SIS, stay in school coz it's the best.
IUD SIS, stay in school coz it's the best.

Suckin' on my titties like you wanted me,
Callin me, all the time like blondie
Check out my chrissy behind
It's fine all of the time.
Like sex on the beaches.
What else is in the teaches of peaches? huh? what?

Fuck the pain away. Fuck the pain away.
Fuck the pain away. Fuck the pain away.
Fuck the pain away. Fuck the pain away.
Fuck the pain away. Fuck the pain away.
Fuck the pain away. Fuck the pain away.
Fuck the pain away. Fuck the pain away.
Fuck the pain away. Fuck the pain away.
Fuck the pain away. Fuck the pain away.

huh? what? right. uhh. huh? what? right. uhh.
What else in the teaches of peaches, like sex on the beaches.
huh? what? right. uhh.

Fuck the pain away. Fuck the pain away.
Fuck the pain away. Fuck the pain away.
Fuck the pain away. Fuck the pain away.
Fuck the pain away. Fuck the pain away.

I wanted this song for not only the theme of my radio show, but also as my Karaoke song at the church talent show.

I was standing outside of a Newsstand on Laurel Canyon talking with a guy I met at a horrible fashion magazine party at the Dresden last night who was telling me about his trouble with smoking. He had done everything. Now he was using the patch.

One day he found out that the patch he had been wearing was an Ortho Evra. He doesn't know how he ended up slapping that on his skin, but while his desire to smoke wasn't ended at least he didn't get pregnant.

I think he was hitting on me.

If a guy absentmindedly puts his hand on your balls while he's talking with you... Hitting on you/Gay right?

Thought so.

I did get a nice fashion makeover out of our conversation.

Earlier I met Aaron for dinner at Roman's. I told him about my latest directing experiences on my movie and how I was ready to drop this one and move on to the next film.

I met a cool lady with an adorable baby while eating with Aaron that had a radio show on KPFK that I use to listen to. She is married to actor Vito D'Ambrosio who you might know from, "The Untouchables" he's a cool guy and very nice.

We talked radio and the movie I'm making and mutual Gary Senise stories. Vito's were better and he actually knows Gary well enough to play golf with him, as where I would just watch a movie where Gary plays golf.

Aaron's been working hard on "Shark Tale" and it looks like he'll be a millionaire soon as his points chisel off the profits that this movie will likely suck in.

"Shark Tale"

The station I am the voice of in West Palm Beach, 103.1 The Buzz hired Howard Stern and I thought this was going to be the lasts days for me there, because I've been fired from stations as soon as Stern came on, because he had approval over the station voice... And he had his own guy. And he costs so much that many get the boot as a cost cutting measure.

Well, they've kept me for now, plus...

The Buzz wants me to do a daily show about Hollywood from Hollywood!!!

So I said that was cool and as soon as they get it sponsored, I might be making some nice money from radio again.

Well, looks as if it has already been sponsored! Their sales-team must be awesome! They sold it just since I wrote that last sentence.

Plus, I'll get to see bands and stuff!!! And paid for it!

How cool is that?

And I woke up thinking it was going to be a shitty day.

Now I just have to do the work...

My friend Kelli who I've been writing and dreaming about these last few days found that she might want to end her vacation by going into anaphylactic shock as she is deathly allergic to peanuts.

Much like my friend Aaron.

Kelli had to be rushed to the emergency room. They shot her up with some ephedrine and other cocktails to keep her from suffocating to death from swollen tongue and throat.

I guess it's a good thing I heard about this now before I gave her that heart-shaped box of Peanut Butter Cups.

I hate to waste a gift... I'll give it to Aaron.

Kelli was to have shown up here in LA for business and I was hoping and praying that we could meet up.

I've lit Green candles and chanted that I could find a way into her heart and maybe later her pants, but she'll probably not have any interest in that cause she most likely is taken, involved, or something and she might be repelled by my appearance due to my attempt at weight gain for the role I have in this film where I start out overweight and then lose it by pictures end.

Also, in this last e-mail I got from her she mentions while in the Hospital she realizes she doesn't want people in her life to bring her down.

I believe she had a life changing experience, possible an out of the body experience.

And while that was happening thought she had enough good friends in her life.

Maybe she thinks I'd bring her down...

I take it she's been reading this page and maybe she feels I'd suck the life energy out of her.

I hope I just read her e-mail wrong. Sometimes I take things exactly the wrong way. It could be she in-fact she wants very much for me to suck the life energy out of her.

I've had many people tell me that I suck.

It would be horrible for me to mess this up after all these years wondering about her.

But then, do I want to be hanging out with a hot looking chick who can't eat Peanut M&Ms? Even if she is one of the hottest and sexiest looking people I've ever met?

I'm lighting more candles and saying my manifesting prayers and affirmations. I might resort to human sacrifice just to see her again, if I have messed this up, I might just sacrifice myself...

I could never sacrifice an animal, but I might have a chicken sandwich.

That's almost Santeria, right?

Last night, I got in bed, sleep two hours then woke up and couldn't sleep at all. Watched "Lost in Translation" still a good movie and even better with the DVD being only $5.99!

The opening shot of Scarlett Johansson's ass still makes life worth living. I noticed the shot went on and on, then realized I had accidentally hit pause, I also accidentally spooged all over my knuckles.

Still, with all that work, wasn't at all sleepy.

Checkout the trailer to this flick... It has more matte paintings than Star Wars:

Eric Rohmer's "The Lady and the Duke"

Then when you have time waiting for something...

Checkout this thread:

Stop Motion

There's a cool lil' Quicktime of an airplane on a runway that is a good forced perspective. I love non-Digital/CGI SPFX.

Man, the day was crawling by, but I was slammed earlier because there was the Farmer's Market going on over in the Village. I don't know why I went, I never buy anything. There were lots of pretty girls though. And in the heat, they wore little...

Came home after seeing Michael, Ben, and Sam over at Roman's and crashed and slept deep for a couple of hours then the phone that was suppose to have the ringer off, went on with a call from a fashion writer friend, Angela.

She writes for Vogue and The Economist and demanded I meet her for a party in the Dresden Lounge in Los Feliz.

I had nothing to wear. Nothing clean.

I arrived. It was crowded and I knew no one.

Fashion is empty.

She tried to introduce me to her friends but there was little interest from any of them.

She tried her best to talk with me, but I felt a million miles away from these people.

I had to leave.

She walked me to my dirty car parked in back and asked my what I was going to do with the rest of my life.

I had no answer.

She said I needed to really start thinking about it and then she walked back in to her party.

I was so depressed. I started driving with no place in mind. I didn't want to go home. Not that!

I ended up going downtown, at least that's what I think of as downtown. I drove up and down Broadway and every parallel street.

I played The Passengers tape in my car as it was the only thing I had. "Miss Sarajevo" came on and as the old dying buildings passed by me I felt as if I were floating on a canoe, on a river in a dark canyon. I was floating down. Deeper and deeper.

Is there a time for keeping your distance
A time to turn your eyes away
Is there a time for keeping your head down
For getting on with your day

Is there a time for kohl and lipstick
A time for cutting hair
Is there a time for high street shopping
To find the right dress to wear

Here she comes
Heads turn around
Here she comes
To take her crown

Is there a time to run for cover
A time for kiss and tell
Is there a time for different colors
Different names you find it hard to spell

Is there a time for first communion
A time for East 17
Is there a time to turn to Mecca
Is there time to be a beauty queen

Here she comes
Beauty plays the clown
Here she comes
Surreal in her crown

Then Luciano Pavarotti comes in with his powerful and epic voice. I want to cry. I turn up the volume...

It's said that a river
Finds the way to the sea
And like the river
You shall come to me
Beyond the borders
And the thirsty lands
You say that as a river
Like a river...
Love shall come
Love...
And I'm not able to pray anymore
And I cannot hope in love anymore
And I cannot wait for love anymore

Is there a time for tying ribbons
A time for Christmas trees
Is there a time for laying tables
And the night is set to freeze

I pull over to 5th and Spring and park outside Hotel Alexandria. I rewind the tape and play it again.

I feel like I'm Miss Sarajevo. I'm 17 in my heart trapped in and older city that is in fact my body, my Sarajevo, and the civil war is an inner one between mind, heart and soul. I'm running through my ruins chipped away by a war of words and thoughts.

I want to crawl into the soft arms of Alexandria and her Baroque dress and look up into the stars through the cracks in her stained-glass ceiling.

Strange people walk by looking in on me in my Honda. It is not safe here.

"Don't let them kill us all"

That was what my banner said to, it said it to the horrible thoughts I hear myself saying to and about myself. All of what I am, seems in peril by my feelings.

I need to drive some more.

It's not safe here.

Stephen Hawking changes his mind on Black Holes, but I haven't!

After almost 30 years of arguing that a black hole swallows up everything that falls into it, astrophysicist Stephen Hawking has backpedaled.

The world-famous author of a "Brief History of Time" said he and other scientists had gotten it wrong — the galactic traps may in fact allow information to escape.

So all things being equal, let some of your information escape and e-mail me.

Don't keep your mouth shut, open up to me, spread wide and let your dreams fly...

Sure there's gravity, but when I'm near you, I'm weightless, floating in love and your aura.

Draw me in and let's hope the nearer to you we become that time slows down.

Hold my hand as we cross the Blue Event Horizon, we'll look back at the Earth so small and precious and wish others could feel the same love.

We'll bathe in a region of space where all matter is compressed to such an extent that not even light can escape from its immense gravitational pull, yet our candles burn bright for us over the steamy water and floating rose petals.

Wrapped in only a sheet I watch you stare at the nearest star as before our eyes it virtually disappears from the universe into a point of infinite density, a place where the laws of general relativity that govern space and time break down. Here we will make our own laws.

We will be as Gods.

We will together rule over all know planets and as the vacuum of the imploding star let out matter and energy in the form of photons, neutrinos and other subparticles, we will collect this glitter and mold our own Paradise.

With this immense vacuum, there will be no need for your upright that you got as a housewarming gift, but left unused in the closet, however just because you're a Goddess now, don't be thinking you can waltz around half dressed, thinking I'm going to be picking up after your ass...

You sitting around all day watching Ricky Lake, and soaps...

Might as well sell the vacuum cleaner on eBay and buy yourself some weed for all the good it's doing...

Clean up a bit for Christ's sake and would it hurt you to fix your hair up a little? And another thing... What's with the terrycloth robe day in and day out?

We use to have sex all day, now I can't get you off the couch...

I'm going back to just living on Earth, you can have The Universe... I am looking for a down to Earth girl, so there!

If you know any send them here to me...

The heat continues and it's unbearable, and I'm just talking about the heat in my pants!

An Earthquake hit Missouri so I can't wait to call my brother and rub it in after all the things he has to say about me living here in Hell Lay with us on the brink of sliding off into the drink.

Been going through audition video that I've been shooting and some actually footage I plan on using and I'm just so lost. Nothing looks good to me. When I shooting it is just amazing how perfect it feels, like I should be doing this all the time, then later looking at it, I get so depressed.

I've been listening to a new U2 album while I've been working. It certainly has made me feel better. I don't know the name of the CD as it has been burned for me, but could be some of the best stuff I've heard from them.

I watched, "The Calling" on Fox this afternoon and it is so funny that Alex Band the lead singer is the son of a guy I use to work for...

I wish I could write more but I'm so down right now, I think I'm just going to have some vodka and go to sleep.

Oh, You know I love Star Trek!

A friend sent this to me... I think she's a friend.

Don't view at work or school!

Also, Kelli sent this to me and it is pretty funny!

Hysterical Girlfriend

Okay, I'm pouring a drink right now, lighting some incense and putting on the new Cure CD.

And crying myself to sleep...

A half-destroyed concrete Nazi fortress in Berlin has become an odd tourist attraction. My Niece is there right now and she was trying to visit Auschwitz too, but everyone told her they'd never heard of it.

I told my brother, her father, to tell her to tell the tour guides that she's Jewish, they'd have to let her in!

When I was a kid watching "Star Wars" I actually thought I'd be happier as part of the Empire rather than the Rebels, because the Rebels were dirty, had bad raggedy clothes, and their equipment was always breaking down.

The Empire was super clean, they had cool clothes, dressed in Black a lot, and if you did your job and didn't sass back to Lord Vader... You got to breathe.

And even the Nazi's come off looking pretty cool in Leni Riefenstahl's films.

But then a kid gets his eyes on "The Guns of Navarone" the 1957 novel of World War II by writer Alistair MacLean about an Allied commando team sent to destroy an impregnable German fortress that threatens our naval operations in the Aegean Sea.

The movie's great too!

Then there was, "Force 10 From Navarone," and it had Harrison Ford! How cool is that?

If Han Solo is fighting Nazi's, they gotta be bad, right? and Ford seems to fight them a lot in his career.

Then you got F. Paul Wilson's bestselling novel "The Keep" and director Michael Mann makes a Gothic horror tale of the supernatural, where Nazis battle a Vampire... Well kinda, but the Nazi's are almost the good guys, I think...

I can't really remember.

I do remember the cool Tangerine Dream soundtrack. What happened to those guys? I still use their CD's to meditate.

Are you ready for this?

This Sunday a full day of body/mind/spirit AND politics awaits you at the "Yoga for Kerry" fundraiser!

Bending over backwards to get the two Johns in the Whitehouse!

Slim-Fast burns off Whoopi Goldberg after her Bush talk, (no, not the Vagina Monologues) but then they hire Mary-Kate Olsen in a New York minute!

Is it wrong for me to say she is the sexier of the twins?

Man, it was so hot today I almost died! It really was hot, at least to me.

Aaron e-mailed me today to tell me Griffith Park was on fire and that we were all doomed, however I never caught any of it on the News.

Maybe it wasn't that bad.

Tonight there was all sorts of critters roaming around the yard. I saw a ratty raccoon, a possum, and many stray cats, but that could be because my favorite alley cat is in heat.

I know I'm in heat! This place of mine is on the top floor with no attic, flat roof, and no shade. It takes my air-conditioner about three days to finally cool the place down.

I walked by the Larchmont Village Blockbuster and stopped in to see what previously viewed DVD and videos they had for sale, and hit the jackpot.

I found an old VHS copy of Roberto Rossellini's "Open City" which is an amazing movie and one of the films Martin Scorsese mentions in his "My Voyage to Italy" documentary.

I got it for $2.50!

I also picked up the DVD, "Lost in Translation" for $6.99!

But then they both melted in my car!

Then the tires melted!

Then the suppositories I had in the glove compartment for emergencies, they too finally melted!

John Kerry/John Edwards, you and me...


When John Kerry selected Senate colleague John Edwards as his running mate, I thought it was the John Edwards from "Crossing Over" the series where that guy talks to dead people.

I guess I might be wrong sometimes.

How cool would that have been to have a vice prez that could speak to the dead and get the scoop on upcoming events?

Instead of one that just makes dead people.

It'd be like having a superhero in the Whitehouse.

So, my political knowledge is pretty low on the scale, but if you would like to go out with someone that knows about people who talk to the dead and crap like that I'm your man!

And I'm not even running for anything, unless I'm being chased by ghosts...

Check this out!

www.johnstonefitness.com/

It's pretty awesome and inspiring and I believe an idea that my friend Aaron once had.

It's a movie of a guy going from fat to fab. One picture a day. One day body hair, next day not! One day pale skin, next day tan!

If you are susceptible to seizures, I would not watch this video, unless you are being videotaped while having the seizure.

My newly found again Austin, Texas friend Kelli, who I'm falling back in love with, even though most likely she's taken... Sent me this:

"I don't know if you have seen this but it made me giggle."
Gay Boyfriend

I was kind of worried when I saw the subject heading in her e-mail, "Gay Boyfriend" as I thought maybe she had just discovered her boyfriend was gay. Though that might have been good for me...

I hear these stories all the time. Girls dating guys who finally turn up all gay and shit. I wish it happened more.

The video was great!

I am amazed at how fast it loaded. I need to put my videos online, but I haven't been able to get them to play that fast.

My weekend and Monday was long and hard, that almost sounds nasty, but it was just a tough week, too. I should have rested, but I worked hard on my movie and it was hot here. Lots of sweating by all involved. It was over 156 Degrees in my apartment and all my candles melted, my audiobook of Ray Bradbury's, "Fahrenheit 451" melted, my sculpture of Michael Moore made out of butter melted...

It was hot!

I had a beauty question for Kelli, because she's a stylish gal...

I am looking for a nice facial spray that is refreshing and healthy. For me! Something I can carry while I'm working and just spray it on to wake up a bit. I use to have a makeup artist that had some, but I never knew what brand or name. I could have used some today with the heat.

After all the Gay talk and knowing what "Facial" means in some peoples dirty minds, I was worried what Kelli might think, or even offer in the way of help.

I hope this doesn't make me sound Gay or anything, but that facial spray really was for me... It gets so hot when I'm shooting outside, or under hot lights that my skin sometimes dries up. The makeup artist sprayed me and it felt wonderful.

It was just awkward the way he did it, I was on my knees and looking up at him with my misty bedroom eyes at the time when he let it squirt all over my face in arcing cloud of cool moisture collecting on face and chin...

I seem to have many gay friends, as there are many out here and everyone knows it is the gays that run Hollywood, not the Jews as some believe. That is okay because I have friends both gay and Jewish and many that are both.

It's the Gay/Jewish/Scientologist/Canadians who practice the Kabbalah and wear Red string that you have to obey... Or perish.

I think Kelli works with many gay dudes, being in the Fashion/Beauty Industry as she must be... She must be! Around Gay dudes... Are you even reading this?

When I lived in Dallas, I had so many Lesbian friends, but out here, I have none that I know of... At least none that I don't have to pay to be Lesbian.

Actually, come to think of it, I really don't have many people I would truly consider friends. Just acquaintances...

Kelli told me she had rented the film "Drift" over the weekend and saw me! She said she watched my scene 3 times then didn't watch the rest of the movie.

You have to, to catch my performance, it goes by so quickly.

I saw the film with Aaron at the Director's Guild Theatre to a sold out audience of Gay/Asian/Canadians and everyone loved it... At least there was no hissing.

It took a whole day just to shoot my small scene. In the foreign release it is much longer and involves a spaceship, but here in America that is cut out due to my full-frontal nudity.

I'm surprised that she even heard about it, or even had a videostore in Austin that rents it.

I've had so many gay guys hit on me because of that film, and that was just while working on it.

Kelli is so in shape and flexible because she does yoga everyday!

I use to watch a show on Discover I think that was called, "Yoga-Zone" and it was my favorite show ever and then I met one of the ladies that was my favorite on the show at a cafe out here and she really came across as a mean person.

That show was amazing! There was one episode that I swear the female teacher was getting off on another female student. There was lots of rubbing on that show and I was rubbing some too.

I have no idea what was going on with her when I met her, but maybe she needed yoga to stay alive and if she didn't get her days requirements of yoga...

It is so funny how Kelli has popped back into my life again at the right time.

I really think I'm at a crossroads where I am almost ready to start something new and interesting. It is one of those things that you feel your spirit is whispering to you to try when you are about to drift off to sleep.

I have been warned so many times about writing about people I know and how that always screws things up in my life. Kelli might be used to knowing me when I was on the radio and talking about all my personal stuff... But I might be wrong and I'll end up screwing this up too.

I heard from my old co-host friend from 94.5 The Edge, Ernie Mills.

He now works in Indianapolis at Real 97.1 and he just interviewed Jewel last Friday. You can hear it at Real97.1 He also is a great Photographer and you can see some of his work hereErnie Mills Photography

My radio station in West Palm Beach WPBZ 103.1 The Buzz still seems to be happy with me working for them even now that Howard Stern is doing mornings there... Sometimes when ever there's the slightest change at a station, all things end up changing.

The meetings here in LA with some stations last week didn't go as good as I hoped. There just isn't the money out there anymore and there are so many younger guys and gals willing to work for real cheap.

Ernie keeps on me to try getting hooked up with either XM or Sirius, but I don't know anyone over there to plug me in...

I dropped off my DVD's at Odyssey and as I walked in one of the guys in a moment of genius popped in "The Jeffersons" and I knew it was because of Isabel Sanford passing away. I nodded to him my appreciation of the thought and he said, "I did it for "The Weezie."

I picked up the documentary, "Lost in La Mancha" about Terry Gilliam, Johnny Depp, Jean Rochefort, Keith Fulton, and Louis Pepe, all having trouble getting this movie moving and it just doesn't want to bet made. It is funny, sad, and sometimes truly painful, but amazing too.

I'll say it again, maybe it's better to watch movies than make movies...

I'm wondering as I look at how my footage is coming out.

Living the life of the mind is no walk in the park, unless it's Echo Park at about 1AM on a Saturday Night and you car has broken down...

Then it is pretty similar. In my head anyway...

I rented two DVD's now that I purchased an RF Modulator Video Converter for my old TV. I hated having to watch the movies fading in and out from the Macrovision Copy Protector... Least I think that's what causes it.

I had been watching DVD's on my iMac, but the lil' computer would get all hot and bothered.

Rented "CQ" again and still love it! Plus, I picked up Jean Luc-Godard's "Alphaville" which I have always liked, but now that I'm almost through his biography wanted to refresh myself with seeing.



The best part was that the DVD's were free! I have been renting from Odyssey Video on Vineland in NoHo and the last disc of Scorcese's, "My Voyage to Italy" wasn't locking up with my machine and without asking they gave me a credit!

Shot some auditions for my movie last night and it is so weird how a person may not be that attractive in person, but the camera turns them into something beautiful. I know I've said that before, but I ran into that again last night.

I need to get a wide angle attachment for my lens. I have a great lens on my Hi-8, but I need one for the DV, unless I get bizarre and shoot all the close ups in Hi-8, all the mediums in DV, all the master shots in 16mm...

Hey, that's an idea!

Today I experimented with some writing systems I created to see if I could generate unique and interesting content, unlike what you read here, or just come up with a way to turn it into a fun game. So far it is pretty cool!

I might try using it while I'm posting here on this website and see if there is a difference.

I just remembered my dream about meeting Anna Karina, the actress/model/former wife of Godard... I was having a great time asking her all sorts of questions about Jean Luc. Then it turns out she's my age and that she'll never age because of some film preservation chemical that was splashed onto her in a French Film Factory when she fell into a vat of solution.


We talked and talked. She was so wonderful and answered all my questions and then we started kissing and just when it was getting really good, and I started realizing I was dreaming... I found sprocket holes along her forearms. She tried to hide them, but in her panic she started dropping emulsion and dissolved into small specks of silver grain.

I woke up dusting my bed with my hand like there was sand in it.

Sometimes dreaming sucks...

I guess I'll try again later.

Director McG is out on the next installment of "Superman," becoming the latest filmmaker to leave this doomed project.

Tim Burton was up to direct Nicolas Cage, then Brett Ratner with Jude Law.

As soon as Warner calls me, I'm going with Will Ferrell as Clark Kent and Lindsay Lohan as Lois Lane...

I got a good take on it.

Superman has to battle giant mechanical spiders, or something like that...

'I, Robot'?

Is your battery-powered love better? Try Me, Robot!

That lil' vibrating wand made in Japan, or China is no match for the quality of American built love and obedience I can provide.

I too am cordless!

Don't let my pinchers scare you, while they are good for some things, they are gentle and easy to clean.

I'm looking for a real woman who won't blow a fuse every time my programming crashes, or freezes up.

Let me read you some poetry in my sweet metallic monotone syntho-voice. I bet that will get you wet!

Speaking of wet, let me draw you a bath... No, a drawing of a bath, because water might be bad for my circuitry.

Just kidding! I'm water proof and have been sprayed with a protective undercoat that prevents rust and mildew.

Are you tired of human men and their cheating ways? I have been programmed to be a one woman robot. My service is to provide you with the utmost in quality love and affection, plus I can generate donuts in record time.

I am, by any practical standard, foolproof and incapable of errror.
incapable of errror.
incapable of errror.
incapable of errror.
incapable of errror.
incapable of errror.

I wish I were a robot and felt no pain, or sadness, or loneliness.

It is so cool when you get a letter from someone in your past that you liked.

I hate hearing from people I didn't like... But I like most people so that's hardly a problem.

There was a really cool, sexy, beautiful girl who I had a huge crush on, and knew instantly when we met that we'd be together forever.

However, we lost contact and forever seemed to fade away. I always thought about her and what she was up to, then out of the blue, don't know how she found me, but there a letter arrived.

Kelli, is her name and I met her when I was working at a radio station in Dallas that played Alternative Rock. It was the very first "Edge" station in the country and we were ground breaking, loved and hated.

She was one of those people that just lit up the room even though we were in a darkened night club when I first shook her hand. You just knew she was destine to do great things. She was so stylish. Had a real classy and cutting edge way about her. And she was funny!

Anyone that knows me in person knows I'm very shy. I can really come on strong with my shocking humor when I'm hiding behind a microphone, a webpage, or a camera, but in person until I know you well...

(Shrugs his shoulders and kicks the ground... Bashful)

So I get this letter from Kelli with pictures and she is more attractive now than ever, has a great job that sends her all around the World to exotic places, and she has two of the cutest and silliest dogs I've ever seen!

We met at a pretty bad time in my life. While my career was going great, my personal life was filled with bitter and mean people that some would say were "hangers on," but maybe I was the one hanging on to them because I felt I didn't deserve to be happy at the time when so much good was happening for me.

Life is so short.

Time moves so fast.

I wish there were many things I could go back and change. She asked me what I would change, but it really is bad to think that way, I think. Today is the time. What can I do about life now?!

My German friend Peter who I believe is in his late 60's, but is in great shape took his wife to see, "The Notebook." He asked me if I'd seen it yet? He knows I love movies.

I told him I hadn't and he said, "You better take a box of Kleenex with you when you go."

He told me that the story is about a woman who writes down her memories in a notebook because she is losing her memories and has her husband read them to her so she'll keep the memories alive.

I just love the idea that these two, Peter and Edith, still married go to the movies together and cry together over a sad, romantic movie.

"The Notebook," I think that's the story. I may have it wrong. I think I should see it and give you a better description, but do I want to sit all alone in a theatre and cry like a baby?

I'm shooting my own movie and crying every night at how bad a director I am...

Maybe I need to keep this website going so one day if I get Alzheimer's I'll be able to look back and read how my life was...

Maybe I should make sure I live a wonderful life filled with love instead of worry, pain, and depression.

How can I plan "Love" out in my schedule?

Do I pencil it in, or use ink?

How do I keep from having a "Kelli" slip away from me again?

My friend Peter knowing I'm going through an Italian Cinema phase sent this joke to me.

An elderly Italian man who lived in the outskirts of Monte Cassino went to the local church for confession.

He said, "Father, during World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son and you have no need to confess that."

"It's worse than that, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors."

The priest said, "By doing that, you were both in great danger. However, two people together under those circumstances are greatly tempted to act that way. But if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are forgiven."

"Thank you Father. That's a great load off my mind. But I have one more question."

"And what is that?" said the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?"

Do you look like $30 Million? Are you a Vermeer with a nice rear?

The first painting by Dutch Old Master Johannes Vermeer to go on public sale in more than 80 years and brings in 30 Million dollar$!!!

I bet you look like much more. I bet you are a work of art!

Are you a Girl With a Pearl Earring who would rather like a pearl necklace?

Let me be the one to give it to you.

My fingers like paint brushes, soft, yet firm.

Your beautiful skin the canvas where a thousand gentle strokes bring wild images and passionate emotions.

Together we will dip into the palette of love and dreams. Erupt in splashes of light and darkness and tangled sheets wet and cool.

Our art is a private one, the gallery in which we hang it, is our bedroom, or the backseat of my Honda Civic...

It's small, but we can lay the seats back a bit. Be careful, my back is sensitive and may go out, you may need to bend over the hood instead.

Oh Hell! Let's just do in the bedroom, or in a Motel Room, or in the alleyway behind the Vista Theatre... Wait that's not private, or safe.

What's your place like?

Okay? What about your car?

How about the subway?

Damn girl, it's hard to be an artist with you!

Sorry. Don't get mad. Okay just pose for me. Wait, come back...

Of course I'm an artist! Have I ever shown you my sketch of "Binky" I used to take that correspondence course in Art?

Whatever...

I still think you're beautiful. Even when you are walking away from me.

Please write back...

I'm lonely here in my highrise dreaming of you...

You and the beautiful view from my Hollywood Hills Mansion.



I can just imagine you in that lovely gown we picked up at the thrift store and sexy shoes we dumpsterdived for...



Dancing together to the sounds of Kate Bush that we hear coming from the cassette player in our pickup truck with the windows rolled down and volume full blast and crackling speakers.

I love you for your beauty, but also for your street smart ways, your humor, your creativity, your gentle ways with little animals and how you can take roadkill and whip up a delicious meal.

Please send me a picture of you in the nude, or at least with your boobies hanging out so I can see whether we can make extra cash on our porn site in or around our Hollywood Hillbilly Villa.

As many of you know I love Old Time Radio Dramas. Can't get enough of them.

I was listening to a stream of one of my favorite shows CBS Radio Mystery Theater and there was a cool story about a woman and her husband on their honeymoon visiting a glacier and the dude falls into a crevasse.

See where love gets you...

Then some 40 years later she goes back and is able to see him frozen and preserved in a block of ice. It was pretty neat! She's aged, but he's still young, but still dead.

No freezer burn though!

I also love listening to the various Sherlock Holmes radio shows that were produced over the years.

I see that the Amercian Cinemateque at the Egyptian Theatre was running films of Sherlock Holmes. I of course missed it!

But I can still catch the 5th Annual Festival of Fantasy, Horror & Science-Fiction if I can find someone to not only pay my way, but actually pay me to go.

Maybe being frozen in a block of ice wouldn't be so bad.

Think of all the rest I would get.

Hung out at Roman's in Studio City reading my Jean-Luc Godard biography. Michael stop by to tell me about his wonderful night with a couple of friends of his. Man, he's got the life!

I'll tell you about his night later when he says it's okay...

He has perfectly integrated his artistic life with his life as a master of setting up and running high concept theme restaurants. He teaches guitar lessons, paints, records music, organizes a group of neighbors into harnessing their own artistic skills into some sort of collective that has seemed to flourished and grown to include many hot looking girls.

Many beautiful girls come to visit him at the restaurant and they totally fawn over him and want to be part of his life and World, but at Roman's he's all business.

And in some weird way that just turns these girls on more.

I met the new owners who have purchased the place from my Russian friend Marc.

Ben is I believe, Persian and he is a very nice and good looking man.

Ben, seems cool and very smart business wise.

I read a book about Persians and their business ethics once and found it very interesting. They have a mind for business. It appears to be genetic and passed along from Father to Son since the beginning of time.

You know many people think that the Greeks invented the word "Magic" however it is a Persian word that the Greek took as their own.

Sumer, now southeastern Iraq was referred to as Mesopotamia, in 539 BC Mesopotamia was conquered by the Persians. They held it and ran it well until in 331 BC when Alexander the Great took the area from the Persians.

That totally pissed them off and they let it simmer in their souls until the time was right.

Something like 126 BC the Greek's power ended when the Parthians established control of Iraq.

Then in 226 AD, the Persian Sassanid dynasty felt the time was right and took control of Mesopotamia. Once the Persian's had their mind set on something...

If he isn't Persian... I'm sure he's still a great businessman.

You can just get that feeling immediately when you meet someone. He has that aura of success glowing all around him.

I just hope they get new cups for the drinks instead of those drink cups that dissolve in your hands and empty the liquid all over your pants as they have done to me many times.

I worked on my new radioshow tonight and am looking to get someone to help sell advertising for it. Going through the paperwork and market research for the station and concept, I felt it really falling into place.

I talk with the station tomorrow.

This week the auditions for my film, "American Girlfriend X" continue with the line up of talented and attractive actresses overwhelming me as I look at my calender.

I stopped by Wal-Mart to load up on supplies and rub up against the great unwashed over in Panorama City. The crowd was huge and angry. No one wants to go back to work, many of them look like they need work. Most of them looked like they need Visa's.

Whenever I'm there, without fail, a little baby always runs up to me and starts playing with me. That happen again with the kid being probably two years old. The lil' cutie had no teeth that I could see and the parent couldn't believe that I was holding their kid without it screaming. They told me he never lets anyone anywhere near him without fussing.

Sometimes lil' kids are like Angels trying to tell me I should have one just like them.

Evil!!!

Still it's nice to know animals and children feel comfortable around me. I just wish they weren't so comfortable that they feel the need to pee on me all the time though.

I sat on my front porch, if you can call it that, and watch explosions from about five major firework locations. I'm on the top floor so the view is unobstructed and perfect to receive stray weapons fire.

The animals around my place are freaking out due to the firework displays that are visible from here.

The cat sat next to me with its hair all up and it ready to pounce. Poor thing was so scared.

The dog next door was all alone as its owners/captors left it all by himself in the backyard that I overlook. He ran around like he was dodging bullets all night long.

It really looked like Armageddon here. And that's just what we need to see with this heightened level of security and terror warnings, some pretty huge explosions.

I shelled out the money for a book I had been reading in chapters while killing time and loitering in Borders. It cost me $27 bucks, but hopefully this Jean-Luc Godard biography will change my life.

I picked up Martin Scorsese's "My Voyage to Italy" on DVD. It is pretty great, however disc two isn't working and I'm lost with my luggage somewhere between Vittorio De Sica and Lucino Visconti.

I walked through Tower Records over at The Galleria trying to find something, anything that would make me feel complete.

I thought about checking out some films at the Pacific Theatre, but turned away knowing I'd feel empty afterwords.

Walking through the small crowds of people that seemed to all be going the opposite way than the direction I was traveling, I began thinking as I sometimes do, Is my life really worth living?

I know I can't off myself yet... For one, my place is a mess and I would really be embarrassed if I killed myself with a dirty place and the other reason is, I know I'm bound to do something important.

Just haven't thought of what it might be.

Then as I was running painless ways to merge with the infinite over in my head a very pretty girl walking by me says, "Happy 4th of July!"

To me!

I was stunned and happy that someone actually tried to make contact with me.

I wondered what possible reason she had for picking me out? Did she say that to a lot of people? Was she an angel reading my thoughts? Did she recognize me from someplace? Did I look like I needed a nice thing said to me?

Am I reading too much into this?

I thought about this all night.

I also thought:

If I clean my place completely, I might then kill myself.

Maybe I should just let it stay a bit messy and stay alive.

Seeing Cassini's pics of Saturn's rings made me want to have a ring.

But all I got is a ring around the tub.

My Fourth of July fun? Cleaning the tub.

I'd love to see the fireworks with you as we stand on the pier, in the cool breeze, reflections of colorful explosions in the surf, your face illuminated by flashing plumes of vividly sparkling shower of falling Golden and Silver stars...

I pull you close to feel your warmth.

Your pulse throbbing like the concussion of mortar detonating high above us.

The fuse in our hearts lit and burning.

The Roman Candle in my pants with it's highly volatile, tightly packed balls of pyrotechnic compounds ready to erupt, igniting a barrage of sparks to shoot from your ass and making you jump up and sing the National Anthem in your highest voice.

Tingling with electricity we fall to the bed exhausted and safe under the canopy of Heaven and Dreams.

But, if you know a good bathroom cleaner and can help clean the calcium deposits on this tub, I'll buy you a Baja Burrito!

(for all your love needs, shoulder to cry on, or man you'll grow to hate... )

Don't let Marlon Brando die in vain. Make me an offer I can't refuse.

We could pop up some popcorn and watch, "Streetcar Named Desire" you can rip my T-Shirt...

We could watch, "The Wild One" and we could get in leather...

We could watch, "Guys and Dolls" you can sing the Frank Sinatra parts.

We could watch, "Viva Zapata!" and then go to Olvera Street and organize a Revolution!

Or we could watch, "Last Tango in Paris" and rub ourselves down with a stick of butter.

We can do which ever one you want and any "Method" you choose.

I just wish after you visit this website to learn more about me that you'd contact me, who knows maybe we could be somebody, we could have class, and not be a couple of bums, which is what we'd be, let's face it... If you don't at least try and be a contender at getting me in front of your TV.

I'll even let you hold the remote.

Do you like HGTV, Extreme Home, Grapes of Wrath, Porn? Sorry, that was a typo... I meant corn.

Do you like "Playing House?"

Come help makeover my mansion. I've even let you live rent free in the East Wing of the house.

I think you and I could make each night a first. Everyday a beginning. Spirits rise and their dance is unrehearsed, they warm and excite us cause we have the brightest love, two lights that shine as one. Morning glory and the midnight sun. Time, we've learned to sail above, time can't change the meaning of one love ageless and ever, evergreen.

Evergreen as long as you keep the lawn watered and fertilized.

Take the time to learn about me and see for yourself just how great we'd be together. Hurry before the World ends, or some wonderful woman snaps me up, or Hell freezes over...

I'd like a talkative, nerdy, bookish, shy, artsy, grrl hidden under bad or odd clothes.

I seem to only get angry, bitter, sarcastic, mean women who need payback for something someone else has done to them.

I'd just like to watch you paint, or create something, play your music, and hang out and talk. I wanna hear your stories, dreams, hopes...

I want the kind of girl, if I was watching her at a distance and a group of people began making fun of her behind her back, she'd be okay if I defended her honor, even if I got my ass kicked.

I'd like her to defend me as well even if guns are used.

We'd celebrate our bond by hitting the road on a shotgun rampage of knocking off liquor stores and spending the cash in Mexico...

Or we could just watch a movie where that happens and dream.

Cause I hate Mexico. It's too hot. We can spend the loot elsewhere...

Many people have learned enough about me here to ignore me, or attack me, but mainly they misunderstand me... Which one of them will you be?

Don't worry, you won't become fodder for my webpage like everyone else in my life has, unless it works out that that way...

Funny how in the movies and TV people really seem to have fun at their jobs. Everyone is so nice in the next cubicle.

I'm not thinking of a show in particular, but it seems like they all have nice jobs and great apartments.

I actually don't even have cable anymore so I couldn't tell you what show I was even thinking of...

I don't want to work anymore! I want to run away!

The people on PBS's Frontier House looked like they were happy without Prada and SBC.

Let's sneak off into the forest somewhere where we have to wipe our asses with leaves.

Grow our own food.

Let's rough it!

We'll get Dial-Up instead of DSL in the shed.

We'll run around nekkid all day after we lather each other up with sunscreen.

Maybe we should wait a few weeks for the nekkid part until the ketosis kicks in.

I haven't figured out how we'll make a livin' yet, I can't be the one doing all the thinkin' but that can be your job.

Hey, that's a good idea... You can get a job to support our self sufficient lifestyle.

I dunno, think about it and e-mail me back cause my Boss is right around the corner and he's walking this way.

Find out more about my needs here to get a good idea on what kind of budget we need and how much money you'll have to earn to support me. Hurry!

Happy 4th!!!

Don't shoot you gun into the air!

That's a waste of bullets, aim much lower.

Sad about Brando.

I have a friend that sets up Mac computers for people in their
homes. One day he calls and asks me if I want to go on a run with him and help out. I say no. Later it turns out the guy was Brando, my friend didn't even know it as it was under another name.

He said Brando hovered over him the whole time watching him hook up cables and set up the various Macs. At first he thought it was annoying but turned out Brando was just curious about my friend Brian's youth and yet full knowledge of computers.

He made cookies and quizzed Brian about all sorts of things about family life and the future of the internet.

Brian is probably 19 years old and wasn't too starstruck being videogames is bigger in his life than cinema, but he said he really liked Brando.

Brando told Brian about a way that all the electricity the world would ever need could be generated by currents in the water.

Turns out a normal set up time for Brian's computer work is maybe an hour at most, but he spent the whole day with Brando.

I know many people liked Brando as the young tough guy, but I actually liked him big and older. There are scenes of him playing with the kids who were extras in "Apocalypse Now" in "Heart of Darkness" that are truly sweet.

I always liked that line Bono sings in the song, "Elvis" where he says "Elvis ate America, before America ate him."

I was just telling a new friend about how I haven't dated in some time because I wanted to get to know myself better and when I did, found out I didn't like myself and I broke up.

I never return my calls to myself.

When I saw myself on the street I crossed to the other side.

I talked bad about myself behind my back.

Dating out here in Los Angeles is horrible. Even Nicole Kidman can't get laid. And I've offered.

When I first tried dating out here, I would see personal ads with TV as part of the description. I thought it meant they were on TV.

I had a TV show at the time and I thought we'd have something in common. Come to find out TV in personal ad speak means Transvestite.

Boy was that a learning experience. I was about an hour into performing oral before I realized not only was she a dude, but then she told me she was Gay and all her Lesbian friends I was banging were also Gay Dudes!

What really pissed me off was that not one of them had a TV show.

I was talking with a friend, Eric Yesterday and another friend, Kyle walked up and asked Eric, the guy I was talking to if he'd seen, "Fahrenheit 9/11" and Eric blurted out that he hadn't even seen, "The Passion of the Christ" yet...

Kyle being a leftist and an atheist took that non sequitur and I swear his mind completely shut down. You could hear the gears and cogs grinding to a halt.

He just walked away very slowly.

Eric looks at me and says, "A new Jedi Mind Trick to add to my toolbelt."

I am so excited about The Cure and their new "Bloodflowers." I was going through my bag o' Goth stuff and found my old Black fingernail polish. I tried opening it up. I had to get the pliers. I broke it open and it was dried solid.

I still have the clothes though.

Not that I can fit into them anymore.

I'll just listen to the CD, I don't need to dress up for it.

I was going through old boxes of CD's and found the David Bowie stash and picking it up pulled my shoulder muscle. I had to lay down. It wasn't that it was heavy, I just bent wrong.

On the radio I hear David Bowie cancels tour due to "Shoulder Pain"... I'm such an empath!

I was hanging out at my local movie equipment rental house and was over hearing about U.S. cinematographers and other film industry workers asking the Bush administration to take action against Canadian, Australian and other government filmmaking subsidies that have lured away tens of thousands of jobs.

I hope we use nukes!