I just got a response about the previous post...

To: donaldbain@donaldbain.com

Donald,

I finally tracked down the Long John book!

I had to get it at The Beverly Hills Library, so Long
John also lives in Beverly Hills.

I really enjoyed the ride the book provides. Happy and
sad.

I wish I could have heard him and all his amazing line
up of guests and regulars, but your book will do for
now.

I'm so excited about COFFEE, TEA OR ME?'s rerelease and new stuff,
my ex-wife is a former publicist for Universal, now an American
Airlines Flight Attendant with several copies of that
book. All her Fly-girls love it! They have so many
stories that you could write even more books if you
ever eavesdrop on their gossip.

Keep up the great work!

Jerry Lentz

=====

From: donaldbain@donaldbain.com 

Dear Jerry -

Glad you found a copy of the Long John book. He was an
amazing character, one of the greatest talkers I've ever known.

I'm sure your ex has many wonderful tales of the stewardess life,
although flying today isn't nearly as glamorous or fun as it was back when I
wrote "Coffee, Tea or Me?"

Thanks for writing, Jerry.
All the best.
Don Bain

I finally found a book I've been looking for a long time...

It's a book by Donald Bain about late night talk show host Long John Nebel. It has an Introduction by Jackie Gleason. I had to get the book from the Beverly Hills Library.

Nebel was King of Talk Radio back in the 60's and 70's. I never listened to him as I was too young to be aware, but you can find his shows in the collections of others who recorded them and archived them for the internet.

He really was the Art Bell/George Noory of his day and just had some amazing guests as regulars.

The book is good and I think could make an interesting movie.

I got a call from my Brother and my Niece did have her baby on my Birthday. She's suppose to be a cute lil' baby... I'll just have to wait and see. I'm sure she is tho'.

One of my heroes, Oscar-winning film producer Saul Zaentz, is bringing Middle Earth to the stage.

Can Hobbits dominate Broadway for 18 years like Cats did? British producers are hoping a bunch of furry-footed Hobbits can tap into the same musical magic.

The lavish musical adaptation of J.R.R. Tolkien's Lord of the Rings, which is expected to kick off in London's West End in 2005 will be the place to be if you want to be labeled a geek and gay.


The stage show starts just at the end of Peter Jackson's big-screen blockbuster trilogy--meanwhile, the Kiwi helmer has already moved on to another classic King Kong. Can't wait!


The Fellowship of the Ring and The Two Towers have grossed over $650 million in domestic box office receipts. The Return of the King is slated for a December release.

Playwright and lyricist Shaun McKenna will write the book and lyrics, with music being composed by Stephen Keeling and Bernd Stromberger. McKenna and Keeling previously collaborated on failed musical Maddie, based in part on the 1985 movie Maxie starring Glenn Close and Mandy Patinkin. Remember that one?


Puppet producers Kevin Wallace--formerly linked to Andrew Lloyd Webber's production company Really Useful Group, which produced Cats, and Oscar-winning film producer Saul Zaentz, who counts The English Patient, Mosquito Coast, Amadeus and One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest among his credits.

Zaentz has owned Tolkien Enterprises and rights to the movie since 1976 and was a producer on the 1978 animated version of Rings.

Remember "Zaentz can't Dance" by John Fogerty? He's that Zaentz!

I spent the day at Bob Hope Square...

It's actually the Intersection of Hollywood and Vine.

The Library of Congress now has half-million Hope Jokes, courtesy of Bob Hope. Hope, who turned 100, but more likely 103 on my Birthday, has his jokes filed at the nation's top library.

Visitors can touch a computer screen to sift through digitally scanned images of more than 85,000 pages of jokes, some with Hope's penciled notations, all indexed by subject.

They are the virtual contents of Hope's famous "joke file" — rows of filing cabinets lovingly maintained in a fireproof vault next to his North Hollywood home, not far from where I live.

Hope donated the 500,000 or so jokes, and memorabilia dating back to his vaudeville days, for an exhibit that opened three years ago in the library's Jefferson Building.

The jokes are the work of more than 100 writers employed by Hope. He performed many on radio or TV or in live appearances; others didn't make the initial cut but were set aside for future reference.

Checkout the Library of Congress exhibit: Bob Hope!!!

You know, maybe today is my Birthday...

My Birth Certificate says the 29th, yet my Hospital Birth Record says the 30th. That's what you get being born at Midnight.

I really did nuthin' for my Birthday...

Wanted to, but didn't. Sad.

I really miss being married on days like this... I wish I had her to talk to, but I just can't.

I wish I had someone to talk to, there's so many emotions going on in me right now. I wish I could make relations with someone new. I find it increasingly harder to meet new people and falling in love just isn't possible for me right now. I just can't open up to anyone anymore. I just don't think I could take the pain or even the joy... Weird.

My 17 year old Neice is ready to drop a new baby out... I was hoping it was on my Birthday. That would be a nice treat.

I talked with her on the phone yesterday and she's ready to get that kid out. She's so small and her belly is so huge!

A Lesson learn from observing my Brother dealing with his family... Don't let your Daughter become a Cheerleader... And most importanly, don't let her get knocked up at 17!

I heard there' a new TV movie about living in my nice, wonderful neighborhood called, "44 Minutes: The True Story of the North Hollywood Shootout" that'll be great for my family in the Midwest to see where I live.

Holy Crap!

It's my Birthday!

Please celebrate with me, by taking a small bit of time and do something nice and good for someone.

If you decide that someone is me... All the more better!

Happy Birthday Me!

Today's planetary energies:

Today marks a very significant day, because the Sun is back in Gemini at exactly the place where it was when I was born. This is a good day to buy things for my home if I had one or for an unfinished project. Like all my projects. I should consider inviting a good friend or family member to shop with me. Hopefully they'll pay, cause I'm broke.

It's important to be very honest today. Unfinished emotional issues can demand attention. Someone special may be especially stubborn. Sparkling conversation over a fine meal can make the evening bright. Make sure I spend this day well, if you're near me, since it sets the tone for the year ahead!

What I should expect during the next 12 months:

I can be a shining presence. My greatest gift is the ability to pull all facets of a situation together. My creative vision really does "think out of the box". I may use this talent for the interests of my family. I also can be a force for good in my community. It really is a case of doing what I love. All I need to do is step forward. My lucky days are October 1, 2003 and January 28, 2004. The best days for romance are June 17, 2003 and December 27, 2003. April 2, 2004 is a high-energy day. Sudden arguments and accidents are possible.

My lucky charms:

Orange and pale yellow, opal, monkeys, twins and things sold in pairs, the constellation Sirius, the tarot card The Lovers, the number 3 They're magically delicious.

Historical events on my Birthday:

1997 - Scientists announce discovery of new human species identified in a 780,000-year-old fossil
1994 - A great comet/iceball seen streaking above the North Sea
1969 - Britain's Trans-Arctic expedition completes the first crossing of Arctic Sea ice
1960 - The Everly Brothers "Cathy's Clown" tops the pop charts

Famous Birthdays on May 29:

1903 - Bob Hope
1917 - John F. Kennedy
1956 - LaToya Jackson
1958 - Annette Bening

Great company!

Again, Happy Birthday, ME! And a successful upcoming year for you too!

This was sent to me today by a writer friend...

He always comments on my use of the analogy and metaphor, so these are actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. Some of these are truly amazing.

--Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

--The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike
Phil, this plan just might work.

--Young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not
eating for a while.

--"Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a
college freshman on $1-a-beer night.

--He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck,
either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from
stepping on a landmine or something.

--The Ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one
slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

--It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids with
power tools.

--He was deeply in love when she spoke, he thought he heard
bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

--She was as easy as the TV guide crossword.

--Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put
in any pH cleanser.

--She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing
legs.

--Her voice had that tense grating quality, like a generation
thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightening.

--It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it
to the wall.

I tried something a bit different for me on the Holiday. I grabbed some cleaning supplies from under the sink. Picked up some rags and stopped to pick some wild flowers behind my apartment.

Then I drove over to my local Forrest Lawn Cemetery. I was happily surprised that it was very busy. Too busy for me.

I then headed over to Hollywood Forever by Paramount. It wasn't as crowded. There were some families scattered about the tombs.

I walked around for awhile carrying my things till I found a lonely grave.

I wanted to find one soul that may have been forgotten or maybe the relatives have also passed on, and spend some time cleaning the spot for that person.

I found a real nice white marble tombstone and flat marker that covered the length of the plot. I got down and wiped it up and pulled some overgrown grass away.

I sat the flowers in the space between the headstone and the flat stone cover. It looked real nice.

The tombstone was blank, no words or even a name. Someone unknown. Lost. John Doe. Jane Doe. Forgotten Soldier. I was just going to spend some time with them.

I forgot to take a hat with me and I began to worry about burning my big bald head again. A shadow crossed me. I looked up and it was an elderly lady I've seen before at my local Library. I never have talked with her before but we always smiled at each other while browsing the books.

She said, "Hello." to me and asked what I was up to.

We talked for a while about how the day had been. She has a sister buried there. I find out she once worked as a Continuity Girl for Paramount in the "Olden Days" as she said. Her sister had been a dancer for The Orpheum Theater in Los Angeles before the movies or in Vaudeville... I didn't quite catch what she was saying some of the time. I think she might have suffered from a stroke.

But one thing she said that I did understand was that the grave I'd been taking care of and saying good thoughts over was an empty grave whose owner was probably not yet ready to climb in.

That's why the grave and tombstone had been unmarked.

Sometimes it's the thought that counts.

This Morning is off to a shaky start...

I was watching the News and they had video of a powerful earthquake hitting northern Japan near the city of Sendai, causing house fires in the downtown area, snarling communications and rocking buildings as far away as Tokyo 189 miles to the south. The video was pretty amazing, showing people holding on as the ground moved underneath them.

There's some talk of a possible tsunami, or giant wave, due to the quake's deep 60 km epicenter hitting Los Angeles because of the quake there. But, I'm sure that'll just make surfing more enjoyable for those that do such things.

Looks like rescue teams left earthquake-torn Algeria but the nightmare went on for 15,000 homeless people facing the threat of disease.

The official toll from last Wednesday's quake, which at 6.7 on the Richter scale was Algeria's most severe in more than two decades, rose slightly to 2,212 dead and 9,085 injured with hundreds still unaccounted for under the rubble of buildings, the body count is set to climb still higher.

With all the violence I've seen near my home lately, I have a very pessimistic view of how people would react here locally if something really major happened here.

Maybe all this violence is somehow triggered by stresses in the Earth. I've even noticed the stray cats I play with acting very strange. I hope that isn't a sign of impending doom.

The film loosely based on the 1999 massacre at Columbine High School by Gus Van Sant got the top prize at the Cannes Film Festival.

Featuring real high school students, not actors, "Elephant" was well-received at Cannes, though the win was something of a surprise cause I think everyone thought Lars Von Trier's, "Dogville" was gonna get it.

Van Sant looked somewhat astonished as he accepted the Palme d'Or, saying "Vive la France!"

Maybe this is the French way of apologizing to America by having an American win... I say, "Screw you... Frogs!" But then, I wasn't even nominated.

The film starts out on an ordinary school day and ends in a stunning and graphic way: Two students go on a shooting spree in the hallways. That never happens!

Van Sant is best known for "Good Will Hunting," and "My Own Private Idaho." He shot "Elephant" in just 20 days.

No word yet on how long it feels to watch it.

This weekend has been very stressful...

Our apartment complex had to have all our water-heaters removed and a special metal pan was placed underneath with a pipe taken through the walls to drain outside. All our water-heaters were of course shaken up and all sorts of calcium deposits were broken loose inside the tanks. Now whenever hot water is tuned on, the water-heaters start making this horrible knocking sound. It really sounded like someone was having a knock down drag out fight in each of our apartments.

As fights go, there has to be something in the water on my street. As before you know about the fights next door and in the apartment next to mine, but this morning a guy across the street who works on old cars and motorcycles started revving up his "Hog" at 5:30AM and another guy across the street came out all pissed cause it was 5:31AM on Sunday morning!!!

It really turned into a fistfight and name calling. I heard them slamming each other into parked cars on the street. I was so thankful I had parked down the street.

Not that I'm a huge fan of the show... Not.

But I was watching the show, "Cheaters" on TV because it's shot in Dallas and I like watching to see if I see anyone I used to know. And the most incredible thing ever to happen next to Dick Cavett having a guest die on him in the middle of an interview... The host of,"Cheaters" was stabbed on the show by an angry guy caught on camera cheating, hinse the name of the show. The host is taken to the Hospital at the end... Has anyone seen this? What has happened with this guy? Will he come back for more shows?

We need more reality shows where the hosts and even producers are injured in the course of lowering our collective standards.

The superstar of the Disney Channel's hit "Lizzie McGuire" sitcom and its spin-off film is parting ways with the company that catapulted her to fame.

After weeks of negotiations over the future of 15-year-old Hillary Duff's career, the two sides confirmed that they have split.

Disney wanted to hold on to the profitable "McGuire" franchise, but Duff wanted to move beyond the role as the awkward but cute middle-schooler that has brought her a devoted following among "tweens".

And the Houston native wanted more for the TV series and movie sequel than Disney was willing to pay. She received $1 million for the first "Lizzie" film.

The actress will hopefully be signing up with the Vivid Video Studios soon.

My discussion about overpriced movie tickets and need for cheaper movie going experiences has received notice...

The world's first no-frills cinema opens in Britain promising tickets from just 20 pence ($0.33) -- but with no popcorn or blockbuster movies on show.

Easycinema, brainchild of entrepreneur Stelios Haji-Ioannou who created the budget easyJet airline, will offer the cheap tickets to those who book early. Prices rise to a more normal five pounds ($8.20) for people leaving it later.

Cinema tickets in Britain usually cost from five to 10 pounds.

Based in Milton Keynes, central England, easyCinema has 10 screens with seats for about 2,000 people but no box office. Moviegoers have to book their tickets over the internet and then print off a stub on computers in the cinema.

There'll be no rip-off popcorn, no catering of any sort. If you want to eat and drink, bring your own.

But moviegoers hoping to see the latest Hollywood blockbuster films on the cheap will be disappointed. The biggest distributors and studios are refusing to supply the cinema with their latest major releases, such as sci-fi sequel "The Matrix Reloaded" which opens in the UK this weekend.

This could be great for art house films and the low budget filmmaker.

Britney Spears is auctioning off some of her clothing to benefit her charity. She says that it wasn't that hard parting with a lot of old things. One of the things she's getting rid of is the "I'm A Slave 4 U" snake-charmer outfit she wore at the 2001 MTV Video Music Awards. She's also getting rid of some of her Grammy outfits and the costumes she wore in dance recitals as a kid. The auction is at May 29th B'Day gift for Jerry!!! and runs through June 5.

All the proceeds will help benefit the Britney Spears Summer Camp for the Performing Arts.

Forget trying to find any of Britney Spears sweaty panties online... I looked.

Tim Burton is in talks with Warner Bros. to direct a new movie adaptation of the Roald Dahl children's classic "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory." Burton will meet in London in the next few days with surviving members of the Dahl family to discuss the project.

The 1964 novel was first made into a movie in 1971's "Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory," starring Gene Wilder as the eccentric chocolatier who tempts children all over London with the possibility of finding a golden ticket hidden in one of his candy bars. He then leads the young winners, including meek little Charlie Bucket, on a tour of his mysterious candy factory.

I hope the rumor of Matthew Broderick playing Wilder's part is just a rumor.

Burton is best known in Hollywood for his creative renderings of such fantasy films as "Batman," "Beetlejuice," "Edward Scissorhands," "Sleepy Hollow" and a remake of "Planet of the Apes."

Maybe Marky Mark would be a better choice for Wonka... But I'm thinking Marilyn Manson would be even better.

Manson scared up his second career number one debut with The Golden Age of Grotesque, which also topped charts in Italy, Germany, Austria and Switzerland.

In British Columbia, Sandra Bohn will have to cough up $74 after stroking a killer whale.

Bohn could have been fined a thousand times as much under the federal Fisheries Act's marine mammal regulations, and whale watchers are on notice that "the sentence next time will be quite different," Judge Peter Doherty said Tuesday.

Bohn admitted petting the male orca known as Luna, who was separated from his family group and settled in remote waters on the west side of Canada's Vancouver Island. She thought it was a Sperm Whale and was just trying to relieve some of his stress.

Walt Disney says it is considering shedding its chain of money-losing Disney stores and will accelerate plans to close stores in North America as it looks for a buyer.

Rival movie studio Warner Bros. closed down its chain of stores in 2001 after failing to find a buyer.

The Disney chain expanded too far and the number of stores has been shrinking since hitting a peak of 741 in 2000.

I'm thinking maybe either Starbucks could purchase them, or better yet, Scores.

A new company is broadcasting funerals on the Internet, giving friends and relatives who can't make the service a chance to pay their respects. How great is that?

Those who can't get to the funeral also will be able to sign the electronic guest book and e-mail condolences to the family. The company captures funerals with a digital camera and broadcasts them live for seven funeral homes in South Dakota.

The Recording Industry Association of America will soon be concerned with the illegal downloading of dead recording artists' funerals.

Just be aware!

"The Matrix Reloaded" may be unloading the cash, but co-director Larry Wachowski will need more than "The Key Master" to unlock the vault to his money for the film.

A Los Angeles Superior Court judge has frozen Wachowski's business assets in a bitter divorce fight between the reclusive filmmaker and his estranged wife, Thea Bloom, who claimed he was concealing funds from her, according to newly disclosed court documents.

The filmmaker and his partner, brother Andy, earned upfront payments totaling $16 million in their deals with Warner Bros. to jointly write and direct "The Matrix Reloaded" and "The Matrix Revolutions." They could make millions more through separate licensing deals for video and online games based, socks, and back-scratchers on the two sequels to the original "Matrix" movie.

Bloom said she and Wachowski mutually agreed to separate last July, after nearly nine years of marriage. Bloom said she learned that "Larry has received large payments (for the "Matrix" films) that I never saw deposited in our joint accounts."

"Larry has been extremely dishonest with me in our personal life, and I believe he is hiding information from me regarding our financial affairs," she said in the court papers. The court order freezing Wachowski's assets was filed last Wednesday. So looks like he's not lending me any money anytime soon.

There is also some strong reports that he is a cross-dresser with rumors to an upcoming sex-change.

I believe that makes Neo the Anti-Christ and that Agent Smith may be the true Savior in the next installment. But I could be wrong.

I was wrong when I thought Yoda was Luke's father.

Who needs an SUV when you can get around in this?

B'Day gift for Jerry!!!

The audience Boos the Dixie Chicks at ACM Awards... Alright, I just about had enough of all the hate. This is America, why do we need to boo people? When we can just Boycott and Blacklist?

The final manuscript of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, marked with the composer's revisions and insults to the copyist, sold for $3.47 million at auction Thursday. I thought this guy had finished decomposing by now... He's like L. Ron Hubbard, still going strong!

Edward James Olmos, one of my favorite actors takes on the role of Cmdr. Adama in the upcoming miniseries Battlestar Galactica.

Olmos plays the role Lorne Greene played in the 1970s TV series.

This Battlestar Galactica was written by Ronald D. Moore (Roswell, Star Trek:The Next Generation, Star Trek: First Contact) and directed by Michael Rymer (Queen of the Damned).

Battlestar Galactica will debut in December. So that gives you plenty of time to think about how you really should live your life and how you should spend your time.

Hung out with my friends Steve and Agent Smith last night at Frontier Wok where they have the funniest comments written on the chalkboard. Whoever writes that stuff must really be a genius.

My friend from Dreamworks sent this to me and it really put a smile on my face!

If you like moon-monkeys, this is the place! You know, those monkeys that live on the Moon...

Singing Moon-Monkeys!!!

I read that one of my favorite multi-screen cinemas and former employers, AMC Entertainment Inc., the nation's second-largest movie theater chain, by the way, posted a loss for its latest quarter and for the full fiscal year, although revenue climbed on acquisitions.

AMC, Kansas City, and birth place of yours truly, had a net loss of $24.2 million, or 67 cents a share for the fiscal fourth quarter ended April 3. It lost $18.4 million, or 76 cents a share, in the same quarter a year ago.

Last year, AMC acquired 66 theaters and a South American joint venture from General Cinemas and Gulf States Theaters, a New Orleans chain of five theaters.

For the full fiscal year, the net loss came to $47.5 million, or $1.31 a share, compared with a net loss of $40.9 million, or $1.73 a share, a year ago.

Are your eyes glazing over yet?

Revenue climbed to $1.79 billion from $1.34 billion.

AMC operates more than 239 theaters with more than 3,500 screens in the United States, Canada, Europe and Asia.

Shares of AMC climbed 62 cents, or 6 percent, to close Tuesday at $10.87 on the American Stock Exchange.

I haven't paid admission to a movie in about 13 years at least. Thanks to free screenings and friends.

Last year admissions were the highest EVER.

More people than ever went to the theaters.

Where's the money going?

The studios are totally screwing theaters.

The studios demand 90% of the box office opening weekend, 80% the next and down.

By the time a film hits its 5th week, or sooner, it's already pulled from theaters due to slowing admissions.

The studio makes the lion's share of the box office profits, and to make up for this, theaters make most of their money from crappy and over-priced concessions.

All theaters are posting losses. Concession revenue doesn't seem to be helping it.

I'm enjoying watching a movie on TV more and more. I can tape it when it comes along and watch at my leisure. Rent it or buy it cheaper than seeing it at the theater.

What ever happen to second-run, third-run, and dollar cinemas? They've disappeared because nobody attended them. We have a theater on Hollywood blvd that only charges $5 for two second run movies. Great for those films you knew kinda sucked, but still wanted to see it on the big screen. I've been in there and noticed I was one of about five other people watching the movie. It won't be around long.

$5 to $10 for a movie ticket! That's Insane. And they want to run twenty minutes of commercials before the movie? And the crying baby behind me? Fuck that!

Aircraft approaching Britain's Luton airport heard the crying of an infant broadcast over their radios headsets instead of landing instructions.

It took12 hours to track the frequency and determined that a baby monitor at the mother's house, located near the airport, was broadcasting her baby's cries to the cockpits of approaching planes.

The company that made the baby monitor supplied the family with a new one. Wait was that, supplied with new baby or new baby monitor? I hear pilots talking to Burbank Airport while listening to Howard Stern every day of the week here. I want a new radio!

Edgar Bronfman Jr., vice chairman of Vivendi Universal SA , is assembling a group of investors to make an offer for Vivendi's U.S. entertainment businesses, likely to fetch at least $15 billion.

Bronfman assembled an entertainment empire, sold off most of it, then watched it crumble -- wiping out a big chunk of his family's remaining investment along the way. Now he wants the whole thing back.

The investors who join Bronfman include Universal Studios, Universal Music Group and the USA and Sci Fi cable channels. His backers are New York cable operator Cablevision Systems Corp.

I remember talking with Bronfman while my x-wife was working on "Dante's Peak", he was a pretty cool guy. I made some jokes, he laughed heartily, patted me on the back, we talked music, we talked his music, and then he realized he shouldn't be talking with me, because I live in a different universe than him. It was fun while it lasted.

I wonder if Mike Ovitz will return my calls now?

Well, the Martha Stewart TV movie was pretty good. Just fun empty trash to kill time with.

I see that Oprah has signed a new contract for two more years. I really was worried. I didn't know what I was going to do without her. Thank Gawd I have a VHS for every episode she's ever done, just in case the bitch up and leaves.

You know? I knew something was missing from The Matrix Reloaded...

Marcus Chong, the guy that was Tank, claims he was "blackball[ed]" and branded a "terrorist" by producers after his character was derailed from the sequels.

Warner Bros. and the writing-directing Wachowski Brothers' Eon Productions are among the named defendants in his lawsuit.

Chong's lawsuit, alleging breach of contract, slander and fraud, seeks the six figures he says he would have banked from the two new flicks, plus interest and other unspecified damages.

I think he's Tommy Chong's son.

His character sure disappeared up in smoke in this sequel, that's for sure.

I see that 'The Bachelor' Beat the Hitler TV movie in ratings, so that blows my reality series idea about one girl out of 10 Jewish girls will win a million dollars by marrying a Nazi. And the Nazi doesn't know she's Jewish until she takes him home to meet the Orthodox Jew parents. But then the joke really gets going because the million dollars is being held in a Swiss Bank and she doesn't know it.

We even shot a pilot. But it was just a flesh wound.

Russian lesbians t.A.T.u. to shock n roll
Eurovision organizers in image- conscious Latvia are worried the Russian lesbian pop duo t.A.T.u. might ambush the annual festival of glitz and kitsch.

t.A.T.u, whose sexually provocative music videos with the pair wearing school uniforms have led to them being branded as "paedo-pop", are widely tipped to win the contest, which is renowned for its unique blend of steely ambition and uneven talent.

The teenage Russian stars have promised to put on an "outrageous" performance for the 48th Eurovision Song Contest.

There's a lot of hype surrounding t.A.T.u, but this is a family event so it should be fun to watch the faces on the Swiss-based European Broadcasting Union workers, responsible for the show.

t.A.T.u. will be performing at this year's MTV Movie Awards! The 12th annual awards ceremony will be taped May 31 at the Shrine Auditorium in Los Angeles, and it's scheduled to air on MTV at 9 p.m. EDT June 5.

I personally love watching them perform. On Leno, they had to keep cutting away from the girls. That's why you need to see them live, up close, and up skirt.

I was talking with a Japanese friend who was in Los Angeles as a stopping point on his way to Wonderfest in Kentucky and we got talking about collecting Hot Wheels.

I was telling him how I used to make belts and swords out of the yellow tracks that the cars drove on. He told me how huge they were and are in Japan. I told him of a Texas friend that just collected the Hot Wheels TV commercials, not the cars.

I wish my Japanese friend was still in LA because this morning watching the News, I found out about The Hot Wheels® Hall of Fame.

To commemorate the 35th anniversary of the landmark Hot Wheels® cars, Mattel, Inc. will unveil the first-ever, permanent museum exhibition of Hot Wheels® full-size and die-cast cars at the Petersen Automotive Museum in Los Angeles, one of the nation's largest and preeminent automotive museums. The Hot Wheels® Hall of Fame includes interactive displays, a selection of Hot Wheels® die-cast vehicles and full-size cars which embody the brand's signature speed, power, performance and attitude. The exhibit will open to the public tomorrow.

"By creating a Hot Wheels® Hall of Fame at the country's preeminent automotive museum, the brand is underlining the significance of Hot Wheels® cars within automotive culture," said Amy Boylan, senior vice president, Mattel. "For 35 years, Hot Wheels® die-cast cars have sparked a passion for automobiles in millions of kids and adults, and this exhibit expands upon that passion with an extensive array of some of the coolest cars in the world, in any scale."

The Hot Wheels® Hall of Fame will host a rotating series of exhibits, including full-size versions of some of the most famous Hot Wheels® models ever created. Upon its opening, the exhibit will include the Deora® concept car from the 1960s; the Twin Mill®, an original Hot Wheels® design that was introduced as a full-size, functional car in 2001; Don "The Snake" Prudhomme's Hot Wheels® Funny Car; Petty Enterprises's NASCAR® Craftsman Series race truck; the Hot Wheels® Ford Focus; and the "0032" hot rod from the Petersen Automotive Museum's permanent collection.

Spanning 35 years, an array of the most significant 1:64-scale to 1:18-scale die-cast Hot Wheels® cars will also be on display, including the world's most valuable Hot Wheels® car, a 1969 pink Volkswagen Beach Bomb purchased for more than $70,000. The exhibit will provide visitors with a look inside the highly prolific Hot Wheels® design center, via original models, wooden patterns, injection molds and drawings of original vehicle designs.

"With the opening of this exhibit, the Petersen Automotive Museum will become the world capital for Hot Wheels® fans and collectors," says Museum Director Dick Messer. "Our gift shop has been reconfigured to house a vast selection of Hot Wheels® merchandise to satisfy fans, and the popular Twin Mill® car will be displayed at the entry to our exhibit halls."

In September 2003, the Hot Wheels® Hall of Fame will announce its inaugural honorees of significant people, vehicles and moments from automotive history, which will be selected by a blue-ribbon panel of auto journalists, manufacturers, designers, racers and Mattel executives. Reflecting the power, attitude, speed and performance for which Hot Wheels® cars are known, the Hall of Fame members will be honored in a new installation in the exhibit. Hot Wheels® aficionados and collectors can vote online for their choices in the Hall by participating in the Hot Wheels People's Choice™ awards at www.hotwheels.com until September, 2003.

These first Hot Wheels® Hall of Fame inductees will be honored at a special gala reception at the Petersen in November 2003. In the spirit of the Hall of Fame program, Mattel is creating a line of 42 1:64-scale Hall Of Fame vehicles, representing cars that have had a significant impact on car culture, racing or design. Each car comes complete with a collectible trading card that elaborates on the history of the person, vehicle or event it represents. The die-cast Hall Of Fame cars are available now at an approximate retail price of $4.99.

But please... No "Jackass: The Movie" stunts. You know. Putting a car in a condom and shoving up your butt and then getting an X-Ray. It's already been done. Try Action Figures this time.

I have no idea why, but I'm really starting to like Martha Stewart. NBC's Dateline just did a number on her and I found it rather educational. I'm actually going to watch Cybill Shepherd play her.

"Martha, Inc." is based on the unauthorized biography by Christopher Byron and is being aired just as media reports circulate that Stewart, 61, (an I think, still hot!) is in talks on a potential deal to settle the insider trading probe that has threatened to bring down her empire.

The TV movie traces Stewart's life from a ruthless 9-year-old who sabotaged a rival's fledgling homebaked cake business, through her teenage aspirations as a fashion model, the money struggles that marked the early years of her marriage, and her emergence as a home design diva as fearsome off-camera as she is warm and gracious on.

This is my kinda show.

A "How-to" show, on how to make it in this world by hurting other people.

I'll watch this wearing only my Martha Stewart K-Mart towel.

I spent the afternoon helping my new neighbor wire up her DVD player to all her other components so she could watch, "8 Mile".

A cable company says it's not sure why, but some New Hampshire television viewers got more than they bargained for on a shopping channel.

The shop-at-home QVC channel in Manchester broadcast adult porn for a short time Friday afternoon.

Comcast says it doesn't know how the wires were crossed or how many customers were affected. It's trying to figure out what happened.

I wonder how many old ladies are going to try that new Facial Cream they saw demonstrated?

Just walked in from seeing "The Matrix: Reloaded" again!

Thursday's opening-day box office, gross $42.5 million. But, I gave them not money, cause one was a Premiere pass and the other a friend bought the ticket... That's how I fight the machines.

I still didn't really like it. I wanted too. It just already feels so dated to me. Could be cause I like all the references it borrows from, and seen them before. Still, it's better than getting your dick caught on the anvil in a sword makers Blacksmith shop.

I heard Jamie Kennedy is getting sued just like my former writer/friend Kevin Healey. Healey's Scare Tactic for SciFi traumatized some poor woman and JKX really did a number on a gal just trying to get a job. I hope these assholes fry in the Gas Chamber... Or whatever. I hate these shows so much. Yet I can't stop watching this crap.
I just wonder how fast John F. Kennedy is spinning in his grave over his son Jamie's stupid career.

I was saddened by the death of Robert Stack at age 84. He was so awesome. Just watch "Airplane" when you're depressed and tell me this guy wasn't gifted.

I also was saddened by June Carter Cash's passing. I always really loved her. She cowrote "Ring of Fire," about Johnny Cash's drug use. She really was a beautiful artist. Still pretty in her age. Lots of grace. Watch the two of them in Mark Romanek's video for Cash's version of Nine Inch Nail's "Hurt" and try not to get choked up.

She studied acting in New York with James Dean and was great. But chose to hang with Johnny than follow the path of an actor. She appeared in the Robert Duvall movie, The Apostle.

I have a feeling Johnny won't live long without her.

I just got back from the Griffith Park Observatory shooting Video of crowds watching the Lunar Eclipse. I got about twenty people to drop their pants and "moon" the camera, by the way. A couple of them were real cute.

One lady, who was pretty hot lookin', said she was a Vampire, was saying she had to get back to her castle to listen to her George Noory "Coast to Coast" show on KFI AM 640.

I asked her about why a vampire even cares about a lunar eclipse, and she said, "Oh, I'm a Werewolf too!"

"But it's not considered the same as a full moon is it?"

"Oh, but I'm a Witch too!" She said.

My friend George Noory was talking with his guest Dr. Robert Bartholomew, the co-author of Hoaxes, Myths, and Manias, discussing current and past instances of mass hysteria. They spent some time talking about one of my favorite subjects...

Orson Welles!

And how people just went nuts hearing that "War of the Worlds" show live. It'd be hard to have that same effect in our day and age. But just maybe someone will do it...

The Mercury Theatre on the Air's "War of the Worlds" is available for free streaming download for you to hear after you read this...

Orson Welles' Radio shows

Plus, there's many great shows he did that'll entertain and educate.

I drove by "Pink's Hot Dogs" tonight. That's where Orson could eat eighteen dogs in one sitting. I however was able to continue driving by, due to their dogs not being part of my low-carb lifestyle. But, boy, I wish they were.

I could eat them I guess, if they didn't have so many nitrates... I could eat them without a bun...

I wonder how late they stay open?

I found a couple of New home ideas...

The world's first inflatable church went on display to the public for the first time on Tuesday.

The blow-up church, which is 47 feet high from ground to steeple, 47 feet long and 25 feet wide, includes a blow-up organ, (you can blow my organ, too!) altar, pulpit, pews, candles and "stained glass" windows.

But could be a cool"Wrestle Castle" to live in...


Then...

Need I say more?

If you dig men who play with Barbies... Check this cool stuff out...

If Barbie isn't decked out in your style, do what Will did...

Check out the "Nips" on his Lara Croft Barbie.

I wonder what he does with his Olsen Twin dolls?

Maybe it's best not to know.

Interesting day filled with signs, symbols and questions...

I'm arranging my things, stuff, junk, and other crap to sell, auction on eBay, giveaway, or destroy. I started thinking how, whenever I go through stages in my life where I get rid of accumulated possessions, it doesn't take long to acquire just as much of the same things again.

It's like nature abhors a vacuum, digging in sand, squeezing water in your fist, and abstaining from sex...

While thinking where am I heading in the world... Am I lost? My place in time and history...

A friend, out of the blue gave me a gift. A compass for my car.

Another friend gave me a watch, even though he knows I don't wear one. Or really like them.

Space and Time...

Less than 15 days to my Birthday... So please start shopping! Or better yet, just send cash! It's really easier for you.

What a day! I grabbed my pass, and headed out to E3! the Electronic Entertainment Expo. The annual videogame industry trade show at the Los Angeles Convention Center.

I was all excited... I was going to see software publishers, hobbyists, console manufacturers like Microsoft, Xbox, PS2 and GameCube, Nintendo's GameBoy Advance SP, Sony's PSP, and Nokia's new N-Gage handheld.

But guess what dumb-ass?

Doesn't start till today! I just wasted all this time finding parking, walking and then this? There was still stuff to see... as is my way I was able to talk my way in... BadBoy, me!

I saw displays for Enter the Matrix (Atari), The Hulk (Universal), X2: Wolverine's Revenge (Activision), Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines (Atari), Bad Boys 2 (Empire), The Fast and the Furious (Universal), Pirates of the Caribbean (Bethesda Softworks), James Bond 007: Everything or Nothing (Electronic Arts), Alias (Acclaim), Aliens vs. Predator: Extinction (Fox), The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (Electronic Arts), The Lord of the Rings: War of the Ring (Universal), American Idol (Codemasters), Charlie's Angels (UbiSoft), The Great Escape (Gotham), Tron 2.0 (Disney) and Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic (LucasArts).

I was told Arnold Schwarzenegger and Tom Clancy were there practicing their lines for their appearance in their booth shows. Arnold Schwarzenegger, presidential fitness adviser, took time away from talking about the Bush administration's plan to cut $400 million in after-school spending. He runs a national after-school foundation.

From what I gathered from snooping around, Broadband seemed to be the "thing" being pushed hard. Sony Online with EverQuest II, Microsoft with Mythica, NC Soft, JC Entertainment and...

then me with finally, a Parking Violation.

A nice sucky way to end a convention.

While standing there staring at my ticket, a homeless man asks me for money... Little does he realize... How close I am to living in my car.

He smiled and said, "Yep, I used to get those." (parking tickets)

I came home and read an e-mail from a gal who was once my intern at a radio station and now works for Disney Animation. It was really nice and she's so cool.

She writes:
..............
We are clutching what may be the remains of 2-D
animation. Next month all the background painters
lose their desks and get G-4's with Photoshop for
painting the next film. And CG people are
pouring in as traditional artists get squeezed out.

Our current 2-D project is Brother Bear, due out Nov. 7th.
I'm working with Robh Ruppel who's Art Directing.
Have you heard of him?

Before I write a novel here I should tell you your stories are
as funny as ever and I remember the good times I had working
for you at KDGE. Atleast it doesn't sound like we have to get
up quite so early now.

Hope you have a good week and I'll catch up with you later.

Kathy
.......

That really picked me up after everything that's happened. I'll have to see if I can dig up the tape of the radio show where we had Kathy Hypnotized into being sexually attracted to me. She got totally undressed and performed on camera before we brought her out of her trance.

Or, wait a minute...

Was I in a trance?

Wait! I was the nude one!

Oh well, it was fun anyway...

Yesterday, after spending a horrible 22 Minutes at CBS pitching a TV show idea I've had for awhile, I decided I needed some inspiration.

I grabbed a book off the shelf at a bookstore on Larchmont without opening my eyes. Random. Spread it open to the first page that felt right. It said:

"There is only one type of story in the world---- Your story."

Ray Bradbury said that.

It was odd that THAT was the first thing I read.

Last night, I found an mp3 of an old radio show from the 50's called "Dimension X" and the episode was Ray Bradbury's "Martian Chronicles". It was real good, in that it contained, I think four stories from the book all in thirty minutes of radio drama.

It was also odd that it was Ray Bradbury because to me him and LA are inseparable. I think of him standing outside of the radio station waiting for Jack Benny to show up so Ray can sell him some jokes.

I think of Ray everytime I pass the Bradbury Building even though I don't believe they are connected other than by name. But because the building is in "Blade Runner" which really IS about LA, I can't separate them either.

I think of Ray as a kid... still, who is very singleminded. I mean that he really has done the same thing over and over and that is he sits and writes. That's hard!

At CBS, the secretary was reading The Hollywood Reporter and mentioned to a Security Guard, who had just been talking about a new episode of The Simpsons, that Michael Moore's Sept. 11th film is being made. I had never even heard this.

Now, what makes this even stranger, is the title for the film.

"Fahrenheit 911"

The Oscar-winning documentarian is making the film about the September 11 attacks and it of course criticizes George W.

"Fahrenheit 911", which refers to the date of the hijackings and "Fahrenheit 451", Ray Bradbury's dystopian tale of book burning, will look at the United States in the aftermath of September 11, 2001 and alleged links between the families of Bush and Osama bin Laden, the Muslim militant accused of coordinating the hijackings on that date.

Moore used the "Fahrenheit 911" title for a February 2002 e-mail to fans in which he said publisher HarperCollins, which is owned by News Corp., hesitated in the aftermath of the hijackings to publish his book, "Stupid White Men," because of its criticism of Bush.

I remember Moore's Academy Award acceptance speech clearly, because I was under attack by my friend's cat at that very moment. It left me with scars, the speech that is... The Award was for his previous film, "Bowling for Columbine" as an opportunity to criticize Bush, whom he called a "fictitious president."

Miramax took over after actor Mel Gibson's Icon Productions withdrew backing for the production.

And it was "Fahrenheit 451" that I thought Mel Gibson was making, but I guess not.

All this was weird today.

I sat in my car thinking of Ray and Hollywood and the Writer. I pictured Ray with roller-skates on moving across sidewalks. I thought of how Hollywood treats the creative. I thought of Mel Gibson and I thought of his appearance on The Simpsons. As I thought this I looked up and realized that I was in front of the Parva Sed Apartments on Ivar, where Nathaneal West lived and wrote The Day of the Locust while 1930's Hollywood was slowly chewing him up.

Oh yeah, the protagonist of that great book was none other than one...

Homer Simpson.

I'm so scared right now...

I'm watching Stephen King's TV movie "Behind the Camera: The Unauthorized Three's Company" thingy. Holy Shit! I'm really scared!

I saw some new Mr. Bean cartoons. The style is kinda neat, yet really kinda scary. I love the Mr. Bean live action shows, but do they really need to have an animated version?

I see that George Lucas is starting an animation division similar to Pixar. I think he wants to get in on that "Toy Story", "Monsters Inc.", "Shrek", "Finding Nemo" money machine. Y'know, I guess if I were a kid, or had my arrested development at an earlier age, I would enjoy these more. I'm more of a 2D animation fan I guess. There's just something about the technique or style of animation that creeps me out. Can't really put my finger on it. It kind of reminds me of a comicbook I used to read. One issue, instead of drawings, they used photographed models and sets. That really creeped me out. I don't really know why.

But, good luck to George Lucas, I hope it works out for him. Money-wise atleast. I know he needs it.

Mother's Day is always a little tough for me. My mother died from a long bout of cancer when I was young. There have been so many times when I wished I could call her and just talk.

Her Birthday is May 14th so it's a double wammy this month.

There was a HUGE fight next door tonight. A mother screaming at her kids. Drunk. Crack. Lots of yelling. Real nice.

Saturday Night Live had one of the best, "TV Funhouse" animation segments ever. It was Iraqi TV's children's hour cartoon show. "Saddam and Osama", they are superhuman and can do all sorts of tricks to fool the infidels. There was a preview of a "Batman" cartoon showing Batman fighting Joker, The Riddler, and The Penguin, all known collectively as "The Jews".

Conan O'Brien's going to do a cool thing on an upcoming show... He's going to take an episode and have a stop-motion animation team completely do the whole show and spots in claymation. That dude rules!

Ray Harryhausen's unfinished children's short film of "The Tortoise and the Hare"--That he began in the 1950's--has finally been completed with the help of two animators from Burbank, Mark Caballero and Seamus Walsh.  Ray came out of retirement to assist in animating this film.  Thanks to some help from Caballero and Walsh, WonderFest June 7-8, 2003 attendees will get to see this short, to be screened just before "The 7th Voyage of Sinbad."  It's sure to make a memorable evening even more special!

I remember hanging out with the Master Ray Harryhausen when my x-wife was doing PR for Columbia and she helped get Ray's handprints in cement in front of The Vista Theater in Hollywood. Ray stepped forward off the red carpet to kneel down and press his hands in, but just completely keeled over and pressed his forehead into the cement by accident. My wife was very quick to cover and rescue Ray. Hardly anyone noticed. Ray, whenever he sees her, grabs her and says something to the effect that she's watching out for him.

I told him this great Texas story about a Bigtime Texas Politician who came home after a hard day's work either electrocuting someone or just being a rich oilman. This goodole' boy just wanted to watch Tee Vee. His wife and son were watching a Western on Tee Vee already. Beer in hand he settled in too. Then the genre of the Western quickly changed into something else...

The Man, pissed jumped up and changed the channel with no thought that his boy and wife were already engrossed in the story. His wife angry, jumped up and she too changed the channel, but this time back.

That's just too much. The Man hits her right in front of his son. The kid runs to his bedroom. The wife in tears heads to her bedroom. The Man again changes the channel, settles back in, and continues drinking and watching whatever it is he wants to watch. Until his wife returns and blows his brains out all over the tube.

And THAT movie they were watching my friends, was....

"VALLEY OF GWANGI"

After I told Ray that, he turned to me all pained and said, "You don't think that's MY fault do you?"

Dinosaurs don't kill people, people with guns kill people.

Crazy people love Klingons!

Portland Ore. - Position Available: Oregon County Seeks Klingon Interpreter, must be fluent in Klingon.

The language from Star Trek is one of 55 needed by the office that treats about 60,000 mental health patients.

Created for Star Trek, Klingon was found by Multnomah County researchers to be considered a complete language by many mental health patients. For some mental health patients this was all they would speak.

Some of these nuts really speak Klingon!

This obligates County officials to respond with a Klingon-English interpreter, putting the language of starship Enterprise officer Worf and other Klingon characters on a par with common languages such as Russian and Vietnamese, and less common tongues including Dari and Tongan.

It's funny but my brother used to call those "Dingleberries" that hang on after you wipe your ass, Klingons.

Klingon Language Institute
County Human Services

I called the Animal Shelter today and they told me the snake I bonded with was a Bald Python.

Howabouthat! I'm bald too. And I'm hung like a... Well, I'm bald too.

They were real nice on the phone and said if no one claims it, that they'll pass it on to a reptile group.

So all is well.

Yesterday day I got a nice mention...
From:  "Eric Spudic"
Date:  Fri May 9, 2003  10:02 am

Jerry,

I was watching THE DEAD HATE THE LIVING the other day
again and had to see that Penis Flytrap video once more. I dig it,
and thought your role as Uncle Lucio was terrific! You're creepy in
that video!

--- Eric In the Appreciation of Fred Olen Ray films group

I've never met, seen, talked, or know anything about Eric, but I believe he's a genius with a Big future.

I discovered something today that just may have changed the way I think for a lunchtime.

Did you know that atleast 93.7% of fans of Space:1999 are... (hold on)...GAY!

Don't believe me? Send your Gay friends here and then tell me I'm lying.


Space:1999!!!

See?

Think it has something to do with the... Moon? As in to moon someone?

I know what yer thinkin'... Yes, I did enjoy Space:1999, but I however do not enjoy the smell of a man's bottom, therefor I myself am not Gay. I have many Gay friends, but I do not enjoy the smell of their bottoms. Even after they shower and I get down there and scrub and scrub and scrub... if I press my nose up good and close, I'm sure I can smell something bad. Usually I can. And I don't like the smell of a man's bottom, so I'm not Gay.

So stop testing me! Asking me to smell your bottom!... What's wrong with you!

Woman with Two Wombs Gives Birth to Twins
RIO DE JANEIRO, Brazil - A Brazilian woman gave birth on Wednesday to healthy twins, a boy and a girl, each from an individual womb, and doctors said it was the first such case in Latin America's largest country.

Ivan Lima, director of Meridional Hospital in the town of Cariacica in the coastal southeastern state of Espirito Santo said a caesarean section had been necessary after 36 weeks of pregnancy, but the two-wombed mother and the twins were fine.

'The twins are perfectly normal and we have excellent prognosis for their development,' he told Reuters by telephone. 'No cases of twins being born from two separate uteri have been described in the Brazilian medical literature.'

It is extremely rare that fetuses develop normally and symmetrically in two separate wombs, doctors said. The mother, a farm worker, was recovering normally.

The Father, Jaime "Two-Cocks" Llama is also doing well. Real well.

What a night!

At 5PM my friend/neighbor Kristin who works for the Emmys, came over and we hit the streets for some good Chinese food...

No, we didn't go to Frontier Wok, Too! you know it all.

Instead, we went to Frontier Wok #1 on Hollywood Way, so there!

She drank Sappora Beer and had Singapore Noodles and we talked about Ghosts.

We made plans to go Ghost Hunting at various Ghost Haunts around Hollywood.

As she hit her second Sappora, she made the plans for tonight! Dammit!

Just as we were about to leave my friend Aaron walked in from his new workout regiment. He was all buff!

Then Del, from Dark Delicacies, the Horror Super-Store walked in with his stepson Scott. We talked a bit about CSI, Midwest Tornadoes, and the great economy we find ourselves living in.

Then Aaron, still sweaty from getting a workout, headed home to shower.

Kristin and I decided to go to the Knickerbocker Hotel where many famous suicides and tragedies have taken place. The place IS haunted, alright?

We drive over there and crossing down Vine, the road was blocked off by the Police. In the distance you could see some dead bodies lying in pools of blood. We turned around.

There was no parking anywhere near the Knickerbocker Hotel. Cops were everywhere.

Two drunk Parking Attendants told us there had been a big ass shooting. We left.

Okay. Well go to a cemetery!

I knew of one in Burbank that might have some Ghosts. We book it.

Driving along the cemetery I see a car in front of us parked in the middle of the street. Suspicious. I slowly pulled up along side and a woman frantically waves me down. Just then Kristin screams, "SNAKE!"

Sure enough man, there was a Boa Constrictor slowly crossing the street.

We pulled around and stopped. Got out and kept it from getting away with my leather jacket. I picked it up and touched it as much as I could without freaking it or me out.

Kristin called Animal Control.

The three people in the other car were cool. The older mom and dad stayed in the car but, their son got out with us and kept the snake occupied.

While letting the snake crawl up and inside my jacket, I goosed the kids leg... He jumped and you could hear high-pitched laughter coming from his parents car. He said, "Dude, not a good time to joke like that."

The Sheriff showed up and asked us if we wanted the snake. He said he'd have to take it to the Animal Shelter and wait to see if anyone wanted to adopt it. I asked him if no one picked it up, would they put it to sleep? He told me, "No."

But could they really just hang on to a snake like that for such a long time?

I hope who ever owned it, finds it, cause it really is a beautiful snake. I feel like we really made friends. With everyone there, really.

Now my jacket smells like snake piss. But it's a nice smell.

William Shatner's Semen?

The perfect name for a band!

Kirk's "semen-related lawsuit" film at Eleven!

I use to eat at a another Chinese food place and Shatner and his beautiful wife Elizabeth would be there about three times a week. So it was kind a cool to be able to drop Shanter's name..."Had dinner again with Shatner last night".

William Shatner split from second wife Marcy Lafferty Shatner and per their divorce settlement, the ex-Mrs. Shatner was afforded privileges with Mr. Shatner's horse farm in Kentucky for breeding horses.

The semen-lawsuit filed late last month by Marcy Shatner, states she was presented to be with "fresh cooled format" semen from William Shatner's studly stallions. His Horses are beautiful. And so "fresh cooled format" is the way to go. I like mine that way too.

But according to Marcy Shatner's sticky-lawsuit, the semen "unacceptable" and the relationship turned sour. William Shatner's horse farm allegedly presented Marcy with the frozen, not "fresh cooled format". I hate my sperm with freezer burns!

Shatner, 72, and still cool! has been a horse dude for years, managing horse farms in Kentucky, and you can see him all the time on horse back in Burbank.

Currently wife Elizabeth J. Martin, seems really happy. They both really love Orange Chicken too.

After getting back from The Matrix:Reloaded Premiere in Westwood and creamy Italian food with some kind friends, I came home to take a hot bath to wash Hollywood off me.
I lit some candles and gargled with some cheap 99 Cent Store mouthwash and stepped in the water while Coast to Coast with George Noory sonically carried me away from today's troubles... THEN!

KABOOM!

The mouthwash bottle blew its cap off and a flash of fire lit up the bathroom. The mouthwash I guess is flammable. I didn't know that. Did you?

Don't gargle near an open flame. Don't smoke and gargle at the same time or you just might shoot your mouth off!

No Damage. Except heart palpatations.

Man, I must be in a funk.

I got two passes to go see The Matrix: Reloaded tonight, but just ain't in the mood. It's rainy and gloomy, but I just can't get in a good mood.

I guess I just don't want to stand in a crowd anymore.

I ran into famous actor/old friend Dan Roebuck today. He's in the new movie about the behind the scenes shinanigans on "Three's Company". He looks good and the show looks fun. Dan was at my wedding. Today was the first-time he heard my x-wife and I were no longer married. He took it real well, then asked for her number. He's married, but you know "Hollywood".

I just talked with my brother in Missouri about the damage from the tornadoes. It was pretty bad where he lives, but luckily his family live in an Earthberm House. That means their house is buried into the ground.

In another example that proves Radio Sucks: DJs Suspended for Playing Dixie Chicks Colorado Springs, Colo. Country-music station KKCS has suspended two disc jockeys for playing songs by the Dixie Chicks in violation of a ban imposed after one group member criticized President Bush. Let's not forget This is the land of the Free to supress whoever we want!

Why doesn't someone suppress this Elton John/Singing Vampires Play?
The time is right for some singing vampires to hit the stage now that Iraq is free.
Elton John announced that he has decided to sink his Gay teeth into a new blood-sucking Broadway musical.

Longtime songwriting partner, Bernie Taupin, will pen music and lyrics for The Vampire Lestat, a brand-new musical based on the bestselling Anne Rice novels about the undead prince turned rock star slated for a 2005 Broadway debut.

Where's William Shatner in all this?

The musical will chronicle the adventures of Lestat and will draw on characters and events from all three of Rice's bestselling novels: Interview with the Vampire, Queen of the Damned and The Vampire Lestat.

Elton John, whose previous Disney-backed Broadway forays with Tim Rice produced the long-running, Tony-winning megamusicals The Lion King and Aida, said the new project is a labor of love. Gay Love?

Will it suck?

Please.

Mister Rogers was not just a TV star. Really? Today, he is an asteroid.
The soft-spoken, sweater-wearing kids' TV host, who died February 27 of stomach cancer, has been immortalized in astronomy ledgers as the namesake of Misterrogers, the asteroid formerly known as Number 26858. The designation was announced this week by the International Astronomical Union, the France-based organization.

Misterrogers, the asteroid, begins with John G. Radzilowicz, director of the Henry Buhl Jr. Planetarium & Observatory at the Carnegie Science Center in Fred Rogers' hometown of Pittsburgh. He submitted the nomination for the redesignation of Number 26858 the day Fred Rogers passed away at the age of 74.

If old Number 26858, in orbit in the asteroid belt between Mars and Jupiter, were to go off course and head straight for Earth, newscasters would warn, "Misterrogers is going to kill us!"

Or what about "Misterrogers is entering Uranus!"

Send in Bruce Willus and Ben Affleck to drill and blow Misterrogers.

A series of tornadoes pummeled Kansas and Missouri on Sunday, killing an estimated 22 people as storms left a swath of destruction a quarter-mile wide in some places.

I was born in Wyandotte County and remember all the tornadoes we had while I was growing up. I have atleast one tornado dream a week ever since our house was destroyed and my mother and I were trapped in a flooded basement. I was in the second grade how ever old that is, and as the basement flooded I split the bottom of my foot open on broken window glass trying to climb above the water. Then my favorite tree was uprooted and dropped in through our roof.

I have one brother that still lives there. I haven't talked with him yet to see if he's okay.

In Missouri, Lawrence County an estimated dozen people were killed when a tornado careened through the southwest part of the state.

Two women were reported dead in nearby Greene and Christian counties, said Dave Brown, an investigator for the Greene County Medical Examiner's Office. One of the women was killed near Battlefield in Christian County and the other in rural Greene County.

Two more people were killed in Camden County, about 70 miles northeast of Lawrence County, the Camden County Sheriff's Department said.

In Kansas, Col. Joy Moser of the state's emergency management office, said her agency confirmed four deaths in Girard and Franklin in Crawford County and one in Wyandotte County in the Kansas City area.

Kansas Gov. Kathleen Sebelius declared seven counties disaster areas, and Missouri Gov. Bob Holden said the process was under way to declare disaster areas in his state.

Missouri officials told the National Guard to be ready to go to storm-damaged areas. Holden said the damage was "the worst I've seen from a tornado in several years."

At Kansas City, Mo. International Airport, officials stopped all flights and evacuated the terminals. Passengers were ushered into underground tunnels leading to parking garages. After about 30 minutes, the passengers were allowed to leave and the airport was reopened. I remember flying out there recently and my X-wife, a Flight Attendant asked a lady at the Airport (on the phone) if arrivals were on the upper or lower level, and after quite a pause she answer,"Honey, there's only one floor here."

Officials at Providence Medical Center in Kansas City, Kan., said they treated 22 people injured by the tornado, but most were released after suffering minor cuts and bruises.

Holden toured Northmoor, a small town in Platte County, Mo., where between 25 and 30 homes were either damaged or destroyed. The town's city hall and police station also were damaged.

"I had to hold on with all my strength," said resident Charles Tholl, who was with his girlfriend and five children when the storm hit. "It was scary. It felt like the house was twirling."

The tornadoes were part of a large storm system that hit the Midwest, spawning twisters in South Dakota and Nebraska as well.

Cars and trucks were tossed into a ravine full of splintered trees in Kansas City, Kan., and several houses were knocked off their foundations.

Jodee Nirschl, whose house is directly across from the ravine, said windows were blown out and a chunk of the second floor was missing.

"My daughter's room is gone, but she's OK," Nirschl said, her voice breaking and tears coming to her eyes. "As long as I have my kids and my husband, I'll be OK."

Officials at Providence Medical Center in Kansas City, Kan., said they treated 22 people injured by the tornado, but most were released after suffering minor cuts and bruises.

The largest tornado first touched down west of Bonner Springs in Leavenworth County, Kan., around 3:30 p.m., said Lynn Maximuk, a meteorologist with the National Weather Service.
 
It moved through Leavenworth and Wyandotte counties and east into Platte and Clay counties in Missouri, doing heavy damage along the way in the northern section of the Kansas City metropolitan area.

The tornado reached 500 yards across at its widest, Maximuk said. It finally died out shortly before 6:30 p.m. in Ray County, Mo., northeast of Kansas City, meteorologist Lisa Schmit said.

The storm tore a wide swath through Gladstone, Mo., damaging roofs and shattering windows.

Thank Gawd, We don't have disasters here in Los Angeles!

Remember all the trends in Hollywood about where to find film Directors...? Use to be videostore clerks, then special effects artists, then music video directors, then standup comics...

Well with Rob Marshall's Academy Award nomination for "Chicago" and his Directors Guild Award plus other honors -- the new trend for stage directors: big studios and independent producers are offering opportunities to direct for the big screen.

For example, Michael Mayer, a three-time Tony Award nominee for "Thoroughly Modern Millie," "You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown," and "A View From the Bridge," is in Toronto filming Michael Cunningham's novel "A Home at the End of the World."

Jim Simpson, who is the New York artistic director of the Flea Theater, however, he directed the film Anne Nelson's "The Guys," derived from the play he directed. Focus Features released the film last winter.

"The Dying Gaul," by playwright-director Craig Lucas, will be made into a film by Lucas. Susan Stroman will direct the musical "Contact" for USA Films.

Hollywood, always searching for new talent behind the lens is eyeing theatrical craftspeople to provide it.

This trend is more than just a year old, in the last dozen years at least nine directors identified with their stage work have successfully made their first feature films. That list would include Stephen Daldry "Billy Elliot", Scott Elliott "A Map of the World", Nicholas Hytner "The Madness of King George", James Lapine "Impromptu", Joe Mantello "Love! Valour! Compassion!", Sam Mendes "American Beauty", Julie Taymor "Titus", Matthew Warchus "Simpatico", and Jerry Zaks "Marvin's Room".

No word yet on the Film version of "Puppetry of the Penis".

While watching the Best SNL I've seen all week I got this cool e-mail about my eBay item: Peanut's Snoopy Waffle Maker
Question from: joanofarkham

Hi, I was wondering if you could possibly end this auction early
because I HAVE to own this waffemaker and this is why.

Here goes: I'm a USC student, and my grandmother purchased this for me
years ago (when I was a kid). Recently I packed it in storage and when
I got my things out to move into my new place, I couldn't find it
anywhere. Whether the box it was in was misplaced, stolen--I don't know.
What I do know is that my grandfather was just diagnosed with cancer,
and as my grandparents are in Chicago, and I'm out here in Los Angele
with limited college student funds for emergency flights home...I could
really use something that brought back happier childhood memories.

This is not a made-up story. I looked for this waffe-maker a while
ago, and gave up the search. Then by chance, I typed it in again today on
ebay, and up popped your ad.

I'd be willing to come by with cash. If not, then I guess I'll bid the
old-fashioned way and hope I win.

Thanks for reading.

~Rissa
--------------------

I just bet she's HOT!

Seven-year-old Mourat Zhanaidarov went to a hospital in Kazakhstan for stomach pains. Doctors operated on him, then found he had the dead remains of his twin brother inside him. The fetus tuned into a tumor, but it still had hair, fingernails and bones.

Mourat's life was in danger because it was feeding off his blood supply. Like a Vampire. The doctors say Mourat was destined to become one half of conjoined twins, but that the second twin ended up growing inside him, instead. The boy's organs were squeezed by a large hard swelling covered with black hair. Something had gone wrong during his mother's pregnancy and the baby grew inside his brother.

This is not the first time this has happened—other people have had operations for what they thought were tumors only to learn they had a twin. It's lived like a parasite inside the boy's body.

I wonder if Mourat felt psychically connected to his twin. And if the twin inside was pissed!

I was just watching The View... Stop laughing. Oh, want more fuel? I was in my underwear too! Anyway, they had a nice Fantasy Wedding segment that almost brought tears to my eyes. Janine Garafalo was on there and has anyone noticed how much like Bjork she's beginning to look?

Speaking of comics (yes, Bjork) I ran into one of my favorite comics last night at Frontier Wok. Patton Oswalt! Yes! That Patton! You might know him from many of his appearances on Conan, or as a regular on King of Queens... Or just from his own brilliant performances at various venues. I've followed his career for many years. We once took the famed Dov. S.S. Simens Hollywood Film Institute Classes together. Those studies have really worked out for Quentin Tarrantino, Patton and me. They do what they do and I try and write funny things on the chalkboard at Frontier Wok. It's good work if you can get it.

Checkout Patton's website I really think he's a genius.