Today has been a funky one, I don't feel quite myself.
I woke up in a down mood. It was dark and gloomy. Of course it was dark, it was 3:14am, but the gloom was of restless sleep. Troubled dreams. I felt uneasy and had was seemed like the shakes. I was cold. I even took to wearing a coat inside the house.
Maybe it's my weightless? But I should be happy with the weight I've lost, but I happened to find online a calculator for ideal height and weight for men my size and I almost broke down in tears when I saw that to be "ideal" I would have to lose another 60 pounds! Trying to keep busy and not depressed, I moved furniture around and made messes of things. I wrote and learned nothing from it. I attempted to make something beautiful, but only created a deformed monster with a heart of gold. I made some songs out of loops and noises and prayers. I made a spoken word audio file that I hoped would be special and pretty, but has turned uglier with every play. An old radio consultant friend of mine from years back sent me an article in an Radio and Music Industry Magazine where I just made the Radio Personality Fantasy Pick by an awesome owner of a radio station! I wish he would make his dream come true! Gee, all he'd have to do is ask! Here's the article, you'll have to look for my name amid other names such as Howard Stern, Scott Shannon, Bill Murray, Kane and Larry Lujack, but Goddamn it, it's there! http://www.fmqb.com/article.asp?id=1510345 That should have made me feel better, someone cool enough to imagine me as part of his ideal radio station, and it did, but I come crashing down thinking, "It'll never happen... He'll never call. It's just HIS dream." Moved more furniture around. If I can change my environment, maybe I will feel better. No, just my muscles become sore and my back begins to ache. Maybe I'll go donate some more plasma? $40 would be good right now and besides, it gives me a reason to lay down and read, right? I go, but they say my heart-rate is too high! They ask if I've had any caffiene? No, I don't drink coffee or cokes. They reject me. I can't even donate without failing! At home, I read a bit and find this quote from Arthur Rimbaud, "I say you have to be a visionary, make yourself a visionary! A Poet makes himself a visionary through a long, boundless, and systematized disorganization of all the senses." In my head, I hear the voice scream, "If we never did anything, we'd never be anybody... So, let's do something, right NOW!" Okay, I made a short film using two young pretty friends, thinking maybe people will enjoy it more with them in it, than seeing ugly old me. I wanted it to be like a distant dream, a poem to youth and love, something like Derek Jarman might make, but without a lot of the gayness and references to the Queen and Christ, but something beautiful from my heart, my eyes and cobbled from the best images in the footage and sewn together to my music and voice. Maybe you can watch it and find something nice and sweet to say to me. Something that will make me feel better. Have you ever been really down about something and then someone said something to you, or did something for you to lift your spirits? What was it? I need it!
<< Home