Sometimes, well most of the time, I think the Universe revolves around me.

ME!

I'm such a "Zelig" wanting to please everyone and hoping everyone loves me.

ME!

Worrying whether I come off okay when I meet new people.

me...

If I'm out in public and I hear a group of girls giggling behind me, I'm concerned if they're laughing at me.

If someone is watching a movie I love and they say, "I hate this film!" I sometimes take it personally, as if I made the movie.

If I see the Cops in my rearview mirror with lights flashing, I breakout in cold sweat thinking it's about me.

Me?

Many years ago there was a young girl I was so in love with. She was so beautiful and wonderful. Everyone thought we were going to be together forever.

One night after a Cocteau Twins concert we made love and the morning came too soon and I had to go to work. I was so happy! I realized I left a tape and started back to her place, I stepped up on her porch and started to ring the bell, but through an open window I heard her crying. Bawling! Loud gasping sobs!

I stopped.

Weird thoughts raced through my head.

I thought she was crying because she felt bad for having made love to me. Maybe it was so horrible to her she couldn't stand what she had done.

I raced back to my car. I was shaking. Went to work. Pushed the feelings I had for her, the pain I was feeling, the idea I wasn't worthy, buried them all deep down inside me.

I didn't call her. I never saw her again. Didn't return her calls. Didn't open her cards or letters.

All that time passed and the pain fades and we move on and I get an email...

A nice email from her. She's married to a great guy. She's got kids. She's got a great career. We're happy for each other then I find this happening:

She writes, "The last time I saw you, after we had such a beautiful time, the most horrible horrible thing happened to me, my mother died and then when I needed you most I couldn't find you and I never heard from you again."

I thought she was crying about me that morning, but she had checked her messages after I left for work and learned her mother died in a car crash.

Because of my insecurities some possibly great journey hit a detour. I crashed the car. I smothered a loving and giving heart.

I destroyed something good.