If the temperature gets above 65 degrees sweat begins to bead up on my balls and I don't like that!

Remember when Bullwinkle, on the Rocky and Bullwinkle Show had that weather-forecasting bunion? My sweaty balls are predicting the Earth will be absorbed by the Sun in my lifetime!

You may think that this is weak of me. Maybe you think I'm less of a man. Possibly you find it amusing that I would be more comfortable wearing a Brooks Brothers Sweater knit from 100% sea island cotton, the most valuable of cottons, grown exclusively in the West Indies. Distinguished by its purity and strength. Ribbed trim, fully fashioned for a perfect fit. Imported.

In cooler temperatures one can dress better. I'm sick of wearing T-shirts and jeans all the time. I'm tired of wearing a baseball cap two sizes too small for my head.

We here in Southern California went from cool temperatures and rain to what felt like the mid-90s in the span of a day! Everyone I met had a headache from dehydration. A lot of people smelled like feet and ass because they were unprepared to have to sweat.

Shouldn't complain too much with a car that's parked in an underground garage, sitting in cool air conditioning as I drive to Pick Up Stix, but when I break into a sweat and am soaked just walking the 10 feet from the curb to the door, I just can't deal with it!

I was at the counter placing my order the House Spicy Chicken when a bead of sweat broke free of the dam that was my baseball caps headband and dripped into my eye with its searing salty cinder blinding me. With only one eye, I paid, filled my drink cup and felt my way to a table in 2D. Moments later, after the food arrived with a stack of one napkin, I'd dabbed my watery eye with it and discovered the paper had some spicy red pepper sauce on it.

With my right eye all red and bloody I looked at CNN Weather Center's Global Satellite Map for places with cooler temperatures for me to move to. I compared those locations with temperatures in the 60s and below to cities covered by Craigslist. Searching jobs and apartment prices, I found you can live cheap in places where there are no jobs.

I just need a cheap place with DSL, year-round temperatures of 60 degrees, within walking distance of a Pick Up Stix, a multiplex and an arthouse cinema, and I'm pretty much good to go!