Today I found out that back in Missouri, my dad had fallen down in his house and had laid on the floor unable to call for help for two days.

A substitute nurse discovered him. They took him to the emergency room. He is dehydrated and bruised from crawling along the floor.

Doesn't seem to be a whole lot of laughs in my life right now. Any moment of pleasure makes me feel guilty that I am here and my brothers and sister-in-law are having to deal with all this trauma.

The thought of getting old and brittle and unable to take care of myself disturbs me, but what disturbs me more is when I realized I'm unable to take care of myself now.

Almost everyone I know my age already owns a home and has a family, has a great job with money stashed away for retirement.

Don't know why let these thoughts rotate and churn up in my head like this, I should try to find the things that are good in my life and look at what I've got going for me. Focus on them.

There must be something.

There is too much lightning and static in my head right now to think about this, maybe you can e-mail me and tell me what you think I got going for me.

The balls in your court.