Tonight I was very funny!

I wish you could see the crowd all falling over and slapping their knees and spilling their booze. Trust me it was like the Deaf Comedy Jam!

Whaa?

I drank a really strong Cosmopolitan that was for medicinal purposes, but did nothing for my health. I haven't drank in a while, I think the last time was when I was drunk.

I think it was May 5th...?

After the show and entertaining so many people, I needed to go to Ralph's and pick up some more NyQuil, but while I was there I cruised the liquor aisle and thought about all the pretty bottles of hooch. I was all Nic Cage in, "Leaving Las Vegas" drinking myself to death.

But I thought to myself... "Why deprive so many people of my genius and personality?"

Wouldn't I be hurting them?

Wouldn't you even miss me?

Huh?