This is not a New Year's list, but a list of things I'd like to get fixed that maybe you can help me with...

It's come to my attention that I snore.

There, I said it.

It wasn't told to me by anyone I was sleeping with, or anyone I was even in bed with. No, it was explained to me that the reason the screaming of the crazy neighbors was at such a volume every morning was so they could hear each other over the sound of my snoring.

My dad use to snore and it drove me crazy! My x-wife snored and I use to record her snoring and played it on the radio for fun. Now I snore and it's like some kinda karmic payback.

I hate it!

So I want surgery of some kind to remove my vulva, or what ever they call that thing in the back of my throat.

Next on the list; Laser Hair Removal!

All over! Get it off me! Use Photon Torpedoes, or set Phasers on kill if you have to!

I'm tired of shaving!

Next; Chin implant!

I want it! I need it!

Gotta get rid of my goatee. With my beautiful head bald and hair on my chin, it looks like my head is upside down. Need to fix that!

I think I have a weak chin and would like a rugged square jaw look!

If you know how to get this things for me, either by way of gifts, or connections to Doctors that do these things, or Producers at E!, please let me know.