I was talking with my, soon to be wife if there is a God, Kelli.


We were talking about clothes and stuff and how we were glad that cooler temps are coming so we could wear more fun clothes.

Tomorrow I'm heading back over to the Diesel store in the Beverly Center to pick up some much needed threads that my personal stylist and costume designer for Fox's, "The O.C." Alexandra Welker suggested I should get.

However with a huge and important party coming up where I might be dealing with potential investors funding future projects, I thought I might try these Pimp looks.

Kelli was telling me about how she and her friends have fought over her maid's schedule as they all share the same help. It appears Kelli and I have a cleaning woman on the same day.

Tuesday!

Just another thing we have in common and that makes it a sign from God that she's the one for me! Unless something else better works out for her.

But really Kelli, why dissapoint God?

Kelli pointed out how useless it is to have your place cleaned on a Tuesday, when by the weekend the house is a wreck and ill suited for partying.

This is not a pic from the Abu Ghraib Prison Complex, I swear. It is my friend and maid Sierra's kid. This is how she gets him to calm down and sleep.



By chloroforming a towel and wrapping it tightly around his head until the kicking and screaming stops.

I was disturbed by this at first, but realized it was a cultural thing and really, do I need to hear this kid screaming all the time anyway?

Speaking of screaming, I found a beautiful reproduction of Edvard Munch's "The Scream" in my alleyway in the dumpster.

It looks so real with brush strokes and everything. I can't believe someone threw it away.

I've decided to hang it up above the fireplace in my library reading area next to the East Wing Pink Breakfast room.

This is my friend Sam. He is one wealthy sombitch!




He is a trained engineer, yet he owns several businesses and loves art and artists.

He really is so pleasant to be around. He loves making people happy.


I watched him set up a fountain.

He loves fountains. I hear his home has many.









While he's wealthy enough to sit back and just enjoy his money, he doesn't sit back. He's active! He gets out there and makes things happen. Whatever he puts out, it comes back to him tenfold.

Sam knows what it takes to make me happy. Whenever I see him smile, I know a handshake is headed my way. Someday maybe that hand of his will be loaded up with a huge check. Maybe he'll fund a film of mine?

It doesn't really matter. I get excited just seeing him.

One day I saw him talking to possibly the most beautiful teenage girl I've ever seen. She could, I swear be in Miss Teen Universe or something.

I was thinking Sam you dirty dawg!

You're a married man! What are you doing talking with this pretty young thing?

But when you got riches...? You don't even need to get your back waxed. Chicks will dig you anyway.

Then they kissed each other sweetly.

Wow!

I right then and there dropped to my knees and asked God, "God? If you make me a rich man, I will do everything I can to tell everyone about you and how cool you are."

Then they said goodbye to each other and I gave Sam the look.

Turn out she was and is Sam's daughter.

See? There is a moral here...

Sam is wealthy in many ways not at first seen. His lovely family makes him wealthy beyond imagination.

And I knew God had answered me.

God was saying basically, "If Jerry is to be a wealthy man, he must date Sam's daughter."

Or something like that...


You know God, he's so complex, it's hard sometimes for me to figure him out, but I believe that's what he's saying...

Just for added assurance, I tossed a few pennies into Sam's fountain.


And scheduled a back waxing.