I love this wet and gloomy weather we here in Hell-Lay are blanketed in...

It perfectly matches my mood.

My wet mood.

My unbridled excitement about the Oscars are quickly deleted by the traffic I now have to sit through due to street closures around the Kodak Theatre.

I decided to pass on the offer to be a seat filler at the Oscars. It would have been fun, I guess, but you know how I hate crowds.

Plus, with the continuing nightmares I'm still having about earthquakes and other disasters, I don't need to be trapped by large groups of people keeping me from my exit.

I'm watching Sela Ward on Craig Killborn, who I think is one of the most beautiful women in the State, I mean Sela not Craig, but I wish I had some photos of an x-girlfriend I use to be involved with in Texas back in the late 80's so I could show you.

I think they looked very similar. That lady was 15 years older than I, a big pot smoker, divorced with a kid, and an x-husband that beat me up.

Damn, those were great times.

Anyway, it makes me think that Sela Ward must be trouble too.

I was sitting in traffic today thinking about how I need to really change my life.

I do think this alot.

I sat there, turned off the radio and actually began talking to myself hoping some unseen force would hear me and offer help.

Later near tears I lit up a green candle. I did this later because lighting it up in the car would have been dangerous, like before.

Green candle because the lady at The Psychic Eye store said it was good and because it was 75 cents more than the other candles.

So it must work.

When ever I ask for help. Meditate. Pray. It really comes across as begging. I hate that, but it really sounds like that. Then I get embarrassed. I start giggling and I think I ruin the effect.

I find myself saying, "Why? Why? Why?" and I just know this can't be appealing to an Angel trying to help.

I'm not even really sure what I want. I just know I don't like where I am with myself in this life. I can't even figure out a good question to ask, when I ask for help out in the "Field", "The Gap Between Thought", or "Heaven's Ebb", you know what I'm talking about. You've read those books too, or atleast heard the audiobooks, or watched the PBS show between pledge drives.

I guess my question of what do I want is like that trailer for the Sundance Festival Winning Film, "Primer" when it says, "What do you truly want?... To repair it all."

I don't know what's wrong with me, but I know there must be something because I'm not happy and I can't find what does make me happy.

Things that use to make me happy, now make me sad.

I'd hate to find I wasted my life worrying about not being happy, or trying to be happy, when I should have just been happy.

I know it would be ridiculous to be happy all the time like those crazy people you see talking and laughing to themselves as they walk down the street. On their cellphones.

But, I'd like to be happy sometimes without thinking that soon I'll be sad.

Earlier I tried making a list as I sometimes do, of things that make me happy, or things I am happy about, and the pen opened up and ink poured all over me. I now have a stain on the crotch of my favorite jeans that is in the shape of Abraham Lincoln. Stovepipe hat and all.

It really looks like a pee pee stain. I hear the Angels, Spirit Guides, Ghosts, and Abe pointing and laughing.

Well, I don't actually hear them pointing...