Man what a day I've had...

Last Night was also a doosy...

While editing some radio shows I've been waiting to get on the air and doing Voice work for 103.1 The Buzz in West Palm Beach and doing the Voiceover for a trailer for a film called, "Killer by Nature"...

Aaron called as he was leaving Dreamworks to see if I wanted to take a break and get some food... I did.

While sitting at Coral Cafe waiting to be served I noticed Film Director Ken Hall walking over with his wife Lynda. They have just finished a film that is getting quite the buzz called, "The Halfway House" and it is premiering in San Francisco.

They sat down to chat at our table and no sooner than that an old friend Dave Parker Director of "The Dead Hate the Living" walked over and gave me a big hug. Dave use to direct my voice over trailer narrations for Charles Band at Full Moon Studios, then he directed me in the "Haunted Garage" video for "The Dead Hate the Living".

Just as Dave was asking me what was going on in my world, Darin Scott Producer of "Menace 2 Society" and a bunch of other films came over and gave me the glad hand.

Soon our table was surrounded by movie people with no where to sit and there was no waitress bringing Aaron and me food... I was starving at this point.

Everyone kept waiting for for someone else to ask about seating and yet no one was doing anything about it, so I jumped up and got them all a table, yet did not join them.

I used to hang with everyone all the time and care for all of them greatly, but they were also friends with Jackie and I feel it would be difficult getting close again with them.

After we ate and left I was in a sad state. Aaron tried picking up my spirits and then as we pulled up outside my place...

I noticed Gina walking away from my front gate. I told Aaron goodbye and got out. But not before asking Aaron to call me later to make sure I hadn't been killed.

Gina was very upset with my last post and about how things have turned out in our friendship.

She told me someone in her group of friends asked about whether she had seen my last posting and she hadn't...

Then she did and was hurt very badly by my flippant comment that our relationship was dead.

I certainly didn't mean to hurt her. But she was and she was embarrassed by the fact that all her friends can read my page and see whats happening.

I think Gina is great and cool. I like being around her. We can really laugh. I like it the way it was...

But I don't want it to be anymore than fun. I don't want it serious. I don't want another wife. I don't want two people to become one. I want to have my own identity, as soon as I can find one that I can afford. I don't want tears and worry and struggle and anger and sadness...

If it's no longer fun...

I am in a very difficult stage in my life as anyone who reads this knows. Yet I don't know when I haven't been in a difficult stage.

I am ill. Mentally and emotionally and physically. I'm damaged. Broken. Busted.

I'm no good.

I'm trying though.

But I'm in alot of pain.

I'm a 40 year old man with no plan. No money saved. No home. No marketable skills. Any day I could completely fall off the Earth.

I'm a thrift store Spalding Gray waiting to happen.

When people love me I begin to wonder what is wrong with them. I don't love myself and I know me. I've known myself all my life and I'm sick of me. I didn't divorce just my wife, I divorced myself years ago. I'm a zombie feeding on itself.

I'm an empty suitcase in the airport lost and found, coming from nowhere, going nowhere...

That said...

When my old friends at Coral were asking me what I had been up to...

I said, "Nuthin'".

When people ask me what I'm thinking about...

I say, "I don't know...".

When people ask me what do you wanna do?...

I say, "I dunno, What do you wanna do?".

I hate when people close to me cry. I hate when anyone cries. But when they're right there in front of me crying because of something they think I've done to them...

It really sucks.

Today I painted Dark Gray walls with White paint. All day I painted and the Dark paint didn't want to fade away. I painted and painted. Coat after coat...

The Gray still shows through.