I got an e-mail today from a great friend from my past. She is a very successful person in work and life who I always enjoyed being around.

I met her in Texas and we became fast friends. Wow, this was many years ago. I haven't talked with her in quite some time, but with a few e-mails back and forth, feel like time has stood still.

I was very happy to hear from her yet sad that life has taken us on different roads.

I sometimes think about bands that stay together and seem to be friends for the longest time and I wonder why can't I have friendships like that?

It has to be me...

They only thing that pops into my head was when I was young... Maybe about 5 years old, my mother fearing that I was too excitable or something told me that I should not stay to long around people cause I would "wear out my welcome" basically meaning people can only talk me in small bits of time.

That hurt me and always has, but I can't seem to shake it. Sometimes I try and break that feeling by staying around a small amount time longer than I feel comfortable, but them it seems forced and I become nervous and people pick that up and...

I've worn out my welcome.

I too get sick of myself. I'm always trying to leave my own presence.

I think that's where my depression comes in... In that I'm angry with myself for annoying me.

I'm always letting myself down and making bad choices doing what seems to be some sort of self inflicted harm.

Like earlier tonight a girl who I think is very attractive actually came over and sat at my table in a restaurant and wanted to know what I was reading and asked me all sorts of personal information.

When she got the facts, she asked me if I would be interested in going to see a movie or hanging out...

I told her I was married!

I couldn't believe those words were coming out of my mouth.

I was blatantly lying to her and hurting myself, cause I would actually love to be going out with her.

She got all embarrassed and left.

Then my friend the manager came over and asked me what had happened as she had been previously asking him about me. He had already told her I was single and a good friend.

So I don't know what this girl is thinking now...

But it's best for her since I'm not really a great catch at this time.

Boy, it sure would be nice to hold somebody, even for a little while, drive to the beach at night, watch the stars, or even go beat up some fags and blowup an Islamic Mosque.

It's the little things that mean so much to me.