I hate it when you go shopping for groceries and forget a couple of very important and delicate items...

Then have to go back just for...

Chocolate Flavored Laxatives and Hemorrhoidal Suppositories.

Just those two items gliding along the checkout conveyor belt can bring concerned looks from the clerk and other shoppers.

I don't know why, but I had break the ice by explaining they were for a pregnant friend. A lie of course. I think people would be less likely to judge a pregnant friend and think rather highly of dude shopping for her.

My diet of meat requires me to use some sort of stool softener, so I shouldn't be ashamed of using a laxative. Also, hours and hours of sitting on my butt writing and eating said meat seems to cause painful hemorrhoids. Therefor I need the suppositories.

I needed them so bad I sat in my car in the store parking lot attempting to insert one of them bullet shaped babies quickly before any shoppers returned to their car. I had my jeans at my knees when I heard the alarm of the car right next to beep. A family of six were piling in to their wagon. I hastily grabbed the plastic grocery bag and covered my crotch, but I hit my horn in the rush drawing the families attention toward me.

I caught their stares, as I'm sure they thought I was honking at them. The father started walking to my car, so I quickly fumbled to roll down the window. I said, "Sorry. Just hit the horn."

"Oh, I thought you looked familiar." He said getting closer.

I heard the suppositories spill out onto the floorboard. I smiled and they all got in and drove off.

I pulled my pants up and zipped.

At home, I stepped out of the car and felt something scratching its way down inside my pants leg. I looked down and on the ground was a box of Ex-Lax that I zipped up in my pants. Then I remembered all the suppositories on the floorboard.

Oh, by the way... Single Ladies... I am available.